Problems with the Mother in Law?

Mad gran, I’m a mother in law to sons in law. I get on well with the other four grannies. We do,our best to support the young families and zip our lips occasionally to avoid telling our adult children to learn from our experience, unless they ask of course which thankfully, they do (sometimes ✋️)

I adored both my mother and father in law, missed them both when they died. I have 2 DIL and 2 SIL, and I like them all, we get on, and I hope they like me as well.

I know that my own MIL cut off her MIL and my H and BIL were not allowed to see her.

FIL believes she just didnt like his mother. Both of H's grannies had died before we met so I have no perspective of my own to offer. She does refuse to have any photo of FILs mum in the house though even though she displays dozens of photos of her own parents.

I was very fond of my wee MiL. She was very kind and a much loved part of the family. I was always very happy to involve her in all aspects of my children's lives. We felt that she loved them as much as we did so was a very safe pair of hands to leave children with on the odd weekend. She was always their favourite gran.

I read many years ago that a Mother was bringing her son up for another woman . I thought how true and brought my son up keeping that in mind. Thankfully today I have a wonderful dil and tell everyone if I had picked her myself I couldn't have picked better.

I think that was my attitude too Elrood and it certainly worked with my DSs who all knew how to be considerate and kind. Unfortunately that didn't necessarily make them a good judge of character. However I do have 2 lovely DiLs.

Iam64 Thanks for replying. I have 2 DILs. One engages in the building blocks of a relationship, one does not. We bite our tongues, get on with the other families and have built a relationship with them, help when asked for it etc etc etc! Both parties have to want to build a relationship despite all that.

My first MiL was wonderful, admittedly her DS came first as an only child, but she was very supportive of us, furnished our first home and was a lovely grandmother to my DS. She died far too young when a hip op went wrong and she died of sepsis. I still think of her on her birthday fondly.

My second MiL was a strange lady, just didn't take to me no matter how much I tried. Her ex, my second FiL was lovely, he truly loved his son, my second DH. He was very helpful when the second DH got ill. We got on well.

With both MiL also, if their sons, my husbands, fell out with them, I would make sure I got them back talking as soon as possible.

A man and his mother should always be talking, seeing each other. I think.

Anyway who refers to their mother-in-law as The Mother-in-Law could be heading for trouble.

That is just my opinion, of course.

Jalimall after 60 years she is still The Mother in Law, her choice, not mine. Although she has rewritten history and fondly remembers visiting us very frequently bringing cakes and gifts. Didn’t happen. But I’m still too polite to correct her. Life’s too short.

First post, so be gentle with me.

(Came here via Google looking for a way to clean heavily tarnished brass. Never heard of gransnet before and I spend way too much time on the net so was (pleasantly) surprised to find it.

I suppose people will think I'm being judgemental (it is not my intention however) when I observe that I am dismayed by just how very many people seem to have had several MiL. I know this is the modern world and all that, but even so it strikes me as sad (in the original and old fashioned sense of the word) to contemplate all the broken and failed relationships.

For myself, I got on fine with my late MiL and was welcomed with open arms by the entire family. Compared to my own experiences in my own family up to that point it was such an overwhelming emotional experience the first time we all sat down to dinner together that it was all I could do to retain my self control and not burst into tears.

Now we are unexpectedly learning how to be grandparents to a wonderful GD who arrived ten years before we expected her to although it was very much all carefully planned by DS and DiL (they just didn't tell us! :-) )

DiL is lovely but it is early days and we are still working out the overall family dynamics. Sometimes I find myself having to remind DW just how much she "welcomed" the occasional nugget of advice delivered unsolicited by her own MiL back in the day as neither of us wants to unwittingly cause offence by "interfering" but it can be difficult keeping one's opinions to oneself at times.

It makes us sad that they are 150 miles away and we get to see them much less than we would like. Our other child lives 400 miles away so if she ever decides to start a family it will be even more difficult to maintain a relationship with the grandchildren.

Oh, and the answer is ketchup (apparently!)

Sorry Jalimall I meant 50 yrs not 60.......

Welcome, GrandpaBadger. It's always good to see a new member joining in, and I hope you enjoy your Gransnetting.

But are you sure the answer's not HP sauce?

Sorry Jalimall I meant 50 yrs not 60.......
Even so - how old is she ?

Daddies sauce!

My mil has always been lovely to me. She probably disliked some of the things I did but she didn't say. We are poles apart in many ways but we both love her son and my child her grandchild. I think we both have a mutual respect despite our differing views andI have tried to model myself on her nowI am a mil. But I have a way to go!

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What’s an established MC master of ceremonies, Mrs Christmas, major conversationalist?

I too have had 2 MIL's - to be fair, my first was probably thrown in the deep end as her son, my now XH & I were only 20yrs old, so as a very young woman I think I was probably frightened of her & we didnt really know how to do this inlaw relationship thing. PIL had 9 children, 6 of whom were still at home, so at times I felt like another naughty child caught in the slipstream of chores to be done. We drifted apart sadly after that marriage ended, but she continued to send cards & gifts for my DS. My 2nd MIL though was homely, very matter of fact & I loved her dearly (nearly as much as my own dear Mum) - sadly she has passed & I miss her very much. A very lovely example of how to be a MIL. Now its my turn to be a MIL & I feel I will have my challenges - but try to keep my lips sealed & smile lots, interact with the grandkids, keep questions light (not probing ), & keep my life busy so I'm not sitting about waiting for a chance to visit. I love my sons so I hope that I will respect their partner choices & just support them if need be.

I’ve learnt so much from this post and want to thank everyone. I have no experience of a MiL as she died when my husband was just 16.
I have a DiL whom I now realise I’m being unfair to! I get on brilliantly with both my children and expected to have the same relationship with both my SiL and DiL. My SiL is easy going and doesn’t cause me any worries. My DiL is ‘different ‘ in so many ways, needy, lazy, always tired, is mentally not terribly well at times - all in all ‘difficult ‘ or so appears to me! I must learn to be more patient, considerate and generally nicer to her. She is after all the mother of a beautiful little girl whom we adore and see ever week. ‘Count your blessings’ springs to mind. Lesson learnt.

Daddies sauce - won't have it in the house!

HP Sauce - far too precious to waste on polishing brass.

Ketchup it is then. :-)

Luckygirl and Pamaga, thanks for the chuckle ?

Even plants have views on mothers in law:
www.somethingaboutscience.com/?p=1395

And mother in law's tongue plant:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sansevieria_trifasciata

The closest I came to a MIL was the my daughter's paternal grandmother. She did not like me! We weren't married & being a Catholic woman it was a no no. She even told me she preferred his (ex) wife as she was Catholic!! Despite this woman running off with his friend!!! Even after our daughter was born we were not allowed to share a room in her house!!! The only time she was pleasant was the final time I took my dd to see her granny, (plane journey away) as I was aware the poor woman was dying & she wanted to see dd one last time. I haven't had any dealings with other out laws since!!!