Being FRIENDS - can you do it?

2nd H's ex was a bitter woman so no I could never have got on with her.

3rd DH, now that's a different story, I wasn't involved in their break up but met DH when they were waiting for Decree Absolute. DH's teenager DD & S lived with him, I first met his ex & her new H at a family Christening, we all got along & were always together as a family group at parties. I hosted Boxing Day until DGS1 was about 2 when H's DD & his ex started doing Boxing Day get together.

Since DH died we only exchange Christmas & Birthday cards but that is because we live some distance away from each other & I now live almost 200 miles from my Step-D & her family, I no longer go to Boxing Day get together as it is too far to drive for the day.

When my 2nd H (DD's F) left me, for an older woman, DD was only 4 but we didn't have a lot to do with either of them as I moved with DD & went back to College. I never said a word against ex or his new wife but DD never forgave him. It all depends on personalities, cause of break-up & family dynamic.

I divorced my ex over thirty years ago but have just spent Easter Sunday with him and his family (sister, Dad etc as he is currently single) as the kids are now grown up and have their own kids so they get the benefit of the family and aunties, cousins etc. I have been out for dinner with his ex and son (my step son), and see no reason not to get on when the situation arises.

I think it makes a difference if there are children involved as there are often family birthday events where both parents attend . I am friendly with my DH' s ex-wife. In fact we even went to her wedding when she married the man she left my H for.

If I ever saw the ex again in the whole of eternity it would be too damn soon. I fled with my 4 by him finally after 16 years. The aftermath was hell on earth. My boys had and have nothing to do with him and only my daughter who does. The story would make a damn good film and sequel. It won't happen as it's personal and o own the copy right.

I am happily married to a wonderful man who is the dad he didn't have to be to my 4. The ex is causing chaos in The U.S (God knows how as he has a criminal record) and is nowhere near us and long may it stay that way. Mine is an unusual story. Good luck to those who can get on ok. Not going and never will happen in our case. The ex is a nightmare

43 years ago my husband left me, our toddler and new-born baby for another woman (to cut a long story short). I was devastated and in a terrible state for quite a while. He moved away to a new job but found me a house in the same area so that he could help support me and the children. He said he hoped that I and his new partner could become friends and he brought her to meet me. I struggled with the idea of this but I could see that things would be better for us all if I could manage to at least try. It turned out that I did like her, and she seemed sensitive to what I must be feeling. We became friends and occasionally they would take me and the children out with them. She was good to the children and would sometimes pop in by herself for a cup of tea and a chat with me on her way home from work. Eventually I met my current husband and we moved away, but my ex and his partner (now wife) occasionally keep in touch, and we enjoy seeing each other at family events. I'm glad that I was able not to allow the anguish I felt at the time to fester and leave me bitter.

I used to be friends with a couple who subsequently split up. He had a child with someone else, then they split. His children and partners get on great, mutual support when anyone is ill, sleepovers etc. Not sure how they get on with him (honestly, don't read anything into that, I really don't know. He is a lovely guy though)

Try to be civil but not be friends.

I think it might depend on whether the new wife "stole" him while we were still married or whether they met some time after we had already split. I got on fine with the ex - she was already happy with a new guy by the time I met my husband, and he'd had other partners in between also.

I once accompanied my ex's wife to something that he couldn't attend (years after we'd divorced) - she kindly asked me, knowing I'd enjoy it. It was hilarious seeing the looks on people's faces when I explained I was her 'date' for the evening...................!

My DH and his ex-wife were married when I met him and, to be honest, I liked her far more than him at that time. It was only when I got to know him better that I realised he wasn't the jerk I'd originally thought and she was actually quite selfish in a lot of ways, not least the way she was carrying on with their best man. By the time they split up, I was seeing DH and she was seeing Best Man so we agreed that we would try to keep things amicable. On the whole, we have been friends; she came with me when I had a Breast Cancer scare and she stayed with us when one of the adult children had mental health problems. I have spent many an hour listening to her woes about the Best Man who turned out not to be the man she thought he'd be. She is a drinker who can be quite angry about me and DH when in her cups but I shrug it off. At the end of the day, my 'friendship' with her makes it easier for their kids and their children. I try to be careful not to step on her toes about the GC when she is around although as they live in our area, I have a closer relationship with them and I always respect that she is the "mother" not me. I wish my ex h's wife could be the same. I am firmly of the opinion that the more responsible adults the children of a split family can turn to, the better so I try to focus on that rather than worrying I might 'lose' my children to another woman.

My DH and his first wife had a very bitter divorce many years before I met him. We were due to meet at DGS's first birthday party and I didn't want that first meeting to be under scrutiny from others, so we arranged to have a pub lunch with ex and the chap she'd left DH for. And we all got on like a house on fire, so that when we were at the birthday party, she and I were able to chat away like we'd been friends for years (much to the surprise of other family members, I may say!). Sadly she had terminal cancer and didn't live to see all the grandchildren born, but she explained to her son & daughter that I had her blessing to be "Grandma" to their children, which we are all grateful for.

But as for my first husband, a serial skirt-chaser, I haven't seen hide nor hair of him since the day he left back in 1982. Suits me fine!

As I was the one to end our marriage and have been very happy with my second husband of 16 years, then I don't have a problem. My ex has apparently not changed: his second marriage ended in divorce and he moved in with another women a few years ago. My children (from my first marriage) tell me she is nice and my sister tells me she is unhappy with his behaviour. I have no ill feeling towards this woman (who I will meet in a few weeks at my daughter's wedding) and actually feel sorry for her as I know what he is putting her through. I decided a long time ago to let go of any bitter feelings as they only hurt me and subsequently my children not him.

One of my close friends has the most amazing friendship with her ex-husband. They both re-married and my friends ex had two children to whom she is Godmother. Her ex comes to all family 'dos' and the children, who are obviously step-brother and sisters all get on so well. I think my friends DH is very tolerant and accepts this closeness of family.

Yes. Me & my ex, his wife and my partner all meet up for things connected with our children and grandchildren. It was a long and bitter divorce, but that’s water under the bridge and life’s too short

Not friends as such but pleasant at family gatherings

One of my friends was introduced to her 2nd husband by his ex who had re-married and wanted him to be happy as well and another friend and her 2nd husband share a holiday husband'2 ex wife and her new husband who was a friend of the 1st husband! They are all very friendly and spend high days and holidays together. This is probably easier and more likely if there are children involved.

Congratulations to all of you who have been so tolerant and forgiving in challenging circumstances. I haven't been tested in this way and am full of admiration for the way people cope.

I have two close friends, one male one female who get on very well with their ex's, go on holiday, put them up when necessary etc. I often wonder why I don't want to have anything to do with mine when it must make the odd family occasion more difficult for my children.

I think it is because he was subtly quite controlling and critical and I was always trying to please him, and in the end, obviously failed because he left me after 34 years. I am not bitter, I don't think, but I just don't want to be that sort of person again.

His new lady had a breakdown after ten years and had the screaming abdabs in the loo of a leisure centre and the police had to break the door down to get her out. I just thought she has only had ten years and I managed 34!

Granny3rose.
Were I in your shoes not have been so what I see as accommodating to the' other woman'.
What, I question, led H wanting some one else ?
The system concerning child support all those years ago may have been different to the present. That, I have no idea of. The fact he provided accommodation for you and his children was not generosity???? on his part but your rights to child support in what ever shape and form they came.
I have to admire your courage in letting this other woman into your life. You rather than me as I see a person who on knowing a guy had a wife and children should have said NO.
It is good to know you later found happiness. If your children want to see their father then that is up to them. However in no way would /could I be friends with and let this pair, that all those years ago without any thoughts and intentions other than for themselves, back into my life.

I get on OK with my ex-seperated 32 years ago but no-one else involved. He is on his 3rd wife now, the love of my life passed away 10 years ago after 16 wonderful years together. Ex has a daughter, slightly younger than our eldest grandchild, she has on occasions stayed at my house with our grandchildren. We exchange gifts at Christmas and they bought me an Easter Egg-can't think they've done that previously. Don't see much of him as he lives about 80 miles away. I suppose it all depends on circumstances, he left when our children were very young, had to have some sort of relationship because we had to see each other. I get on fantastically well with his other ex-wife, she hates him but he had an affair whilst with her, that i think would make things more difficult I suppose.

sarahellenwhitney, Granny3Rose and the rest of the adults were obviously able to put the children first. It is well documented that children are damaged by their parents' marriage breaking up but it can be reduced significantly if their parents can act decently towards one another. Being 'friends' with the other woman makes every "family" function much easier on those children and they don't get torn apart by loyalty concerns. Even after 53 years, my parents and their partners cannot forgive and forget nor do they wish to be in the same room as one another, ever. That has made life extremely difficult for me, my siblings and our children. How much does it really cost a person to be pleasant for the sake of their kids?

My ex was best man at our wedding husband gets on great with him

sarahellenwhitney, you ask what led H wanting someone else. I don't know. Until it happened I thought we had a good marriage - I was obviously wrong. He was away on a year's university course when it happened, and she was on the same course. But I don't think our marriage was painted in a good light to her, otherwise I believe she would have kept away.

icanhandthemback, I'm sorry to hear how your parents and their new partners have allowed their feelings to make life so difficult for you and your family.

Th original poster seemed to assume that wife 2 was the 'other woman'. As a wife 2 who had nothing to do with the break up (she was the one playing around) I have always been perfectly civil with wife 1, even though I know DH only put up with her presence at family dos. Strangely, now her husband 2 has moved on, wife 1 won't be in the same space as us, which causes problems for the children having to do double events.

I did not, and never will, forgive my first husband. He left me with two young children, paid nothing to support them or help with the mortgage.

Although I was working full time, I struggled finacially as he left utility debts behind as well.

Child care costs and the mortgage took up most of my salary, and everything was cut to the minimum (I often didn't eat because I couldn't afford to).

The most despicable act was to lure my young daughter to live with them on false promises in order to claim what little money I had left toward her upkeep. I still had nothing in respect of my son.

My daughter and I have remained estranged through all of it, but I have learned to accept that we cannot have any form of relationship. And I don't want that now anyway.

I have now been happily married again for 21 years to a wonderful man. The ex is now on woman number 6 or 7 I believe, and the woman he left me for was also abandoned with three children. Forgive? Not even if hell freezes over!