I woud hate my children to be in the same position.....

You have already been offered lots of good advice regarding your MIL's care and expenses. May I suggest that perhaps you and your DH should look into your own situation?

Are you quite sure you are both receiving the pensions and allowances you are entitled to? You say, understandably enough, that you do not want your children to been in a similar situation one day, so perhaps you need to look into your own financial situation.

Silverlining 47
DH at seventy two suffered Vascular Dementia.In the last two years of his life he was given state funded social care at home this being in the form of a daily morning shower, dressing etc , he was a large man it took two . Should he wake in the night I had to make sure he was able to get to the toilet thankfully it was en suite. I did not want him to go fulltime care I know were it reversed he would have been the same for me . It was not an easy job but on three occasions in his last two years I was offered respite for DH.Two weeks at a time .I was grateful to be able to have a full nights sleep. The care homes, three involved , were privately owned although there were MANY residents subsidised by the state. Each room was ensuite.Beautiful gardens, two of the homes had sea views, where residents could sit in warm weather. There were both social care and private residents the latter would pay full price for the care. The residents without their own home or savings would be state funded.. Due to DH having savings and his own property he had to pay 75% towards the cost of these two week at a time residential care. I did not object I was glad to have time for myself
A person can work all their life, spend all their earnings emptying their bank account and the state will look after them. OR have some like yourself covering the costs maybe putting themselves without. You did what was best for her.Your MIL having no money of her own will I am sure qualify for state funding. You should not hesitate in looking into this it does not mean you are uncaring but as you are aware must now be thinking of your own future..

Silverling47 How kind and caring you and your family are and it is sad to hear of your difficulties and the way you have been treated. As other Gransnet members have already mentioned, there are several avenues to explore. My dear m was in a residential home for her physical ailments and we had no spare money in our family to help with fees mainly due to my husband not working from 49 due to serious health problems. My parents had no property so apart from my late f's pension, she was fully state funded. We had moved her three times over a five year period and her remaining days were spent in a lovely private home with very good care. This was 20 years ago so I realise the rules have changed since. Very best of luck to you and I'm sure you will find assistance out there.

Another point: Alzheimer's does not always attract full NHS funding as someone said upthread. It should but, in mum's case, they wriggled out of it as she was bed ridden and immobile so did not need full time care. We decided to fight it but the Home said we wouldn't win as there were lots of precedents. Mum was obviously near the end of her lif (or so we thought!!) so we decided it was not a fight worth fighting.

Do get research done and ask for advise by an elderly advice bureau or charity My mum had dementia and no money to her name I filled in numerous forms and dementia was then starting to be accepted as a medical problem ( this was seven eight years ago) and after lots of form filling and advice she was awarded the fees and stayed exactly where she was in the same care home
You should not be paying out of your savings or else who will pay for you and what if you didn’t have any savings Presumably your Mum lived and worked in this country during her earlier life

Having read all the posts, and seen all the advice to stop paying the top up- has anyone actually sat down with the Manager of the Home and said, I'm really sorry but we can longer afford the top up, is there anything you can do? If your relative has been there for a considerable time then there is a possibility that the home will accept the lower rate that S.Services already pay.

We have just had a continuing care assessment as my mum is leaving hospital we have 7 days to find her somewhere, they have all agreed she needs 24/7 care. She failed the nhs contribution for care she has vascular dementia she cannot walk without support from a carer she is double incontinent she is registered blind and 94. Every where we have looked needs a top up. My hubby got conned into signing top up for his parents. Who 3 years on h ave spent all the money almost from the sale of there property on care fees .so my hubby got a solicitors letter saying when there money runs out he will not be paying the top up. There is no way we can pay for top up for three people we would have to sell our house then how would we pay for our care. We have been looking and honestly some of the cheaper homes are better. Also even though our parents have a lot of problems if there hearts are strong they could go on until they are over 100 and probably outlive us because of the worry we are under.

Please everyone, take advice from AgeUk, Alzheimer's Society or CAB.

Would selling your home fund your own care when that time comes?

I think going forward the government should make everyone contribute to an insurance policy to pay for their own care if and when they need it. It would be a solution to the huge elderly care funding problem.

Yes, we paid the top up for my mother's care. This was to ensure that she was cared for in the nursing home only 5 minutes walk from our own home.

We wondered how long we'd be able to sustain these payments but as it happened, mum died suddenly after only 6 weeks.

Please do as others suggest, you shouldn't be having to leave yourselves in dire straits