Disrespectful Daughter

greeneyes - my mother would have said the same about me because we never got on.

She was cold but expected affection, nasty but demanded respect, inquisitive but loved to be secretive about herself, etc etc. In short, she expected love, respect and unquestioning obedience on demand. She knew full well every time that she upset me but the word "sorry" wasn't in her vocabulary.

I can only suggest that the next time your daughter upsets you, you say something like "When you say [X], I find it upsetting. I know we've had our differences and I am sorry if anything I said or did have upset you in the past. Could we try to change the way we talk to each other and agree to treat each other with respect?"

My mother put out an olive branch once but it was too late so I rejected it. Even if she had apologised, how could that have made up for a damaged childhood and years of nastiness endured long after I got married?

Your daughter may not want a "good" relationship with you at the present time and you may have to accept this, but there's no harm in trying as long as you avoid criticising her.

Its tough being a single parent with a five year old. Maybe she is self absorbed. It wouldn't be unusual in the circumstances. What is it you need from her? Can you get the affirmation from someone else and just be there for her and the child?

My daughter left home when she was 18, to live with her partner. In the next 4 years she got married, had her first son and moved house but we had a reasonably good relationship despite her MIL.
Just before the birth of her 2nd son her MIL died followed by my mother.
At some point she began treating me like a child, her child, often being rude, angry and at times, extremely unpleasant. Then we had a major public row, in a park and in front of my sister!
I was absolutely furious at her disrespect and behaviour and told her so then walked away and refused to talk to her for three days. Then she phoned me and we talked for over 90 minutes, clearing the air but not resolving everything.
An hour later she phoned again to say that she'd been offered a 3 bed house 15 miles away and asked if I'd view it with her. The half hour journey there and back was spent ironing out remaining issues.
I also refused to transfer to the same town, knowing we both needed the distance.
Over the next 8 years, 2 granddaughters later, we now have a reasonably good relationship that we work hard at to keep. We both respect each others busy lives, I see my GC at least once a week and go on occasional days out together, even on holiday together to Malta, 2 years ago.
We are also now at the point where we can, calmly, tell each other what upsets us, and work through it. It's not perfect by any means but distance, time apart and perseverance helps.
Like the OP I used to see my GC daily or 2 or 3 times a week before they startedschool. Now I visit once a week, go shopping with my daughter then do school pick up before spending 60/90 minutes with them before going home, an arrangement that suits us all.

(One strange quirk, my SIL Never uses my name!)

Ask her why she treats you like this, perhaps you have done something to upset her.

Do you ever shoe affection to her, OP. I often give my grown up sons a hug, and I find that if I open my arms wide for the hug, they come and get it. Sometimes they surprise me by initiating the hug.

Dont despair! Relationships can change over time, if you can just manage to keep in contact and away from confrontational situations. Try not to feel hurt by lack of interest in your life. Often daughters resent or blame you for something in the past, perhaps divorcing their father, but as their own children grow older they begin to appreciate the challenges you must have faced. It might help to try to discuss her attitude, but on the other hand it might make matters worse. Sometimes it's better simply to accept what you've got, rather than risk total estrangement.

To those suggesting that Greeneyes has an adult discussion with her daughter, or challenge any rudeness, be aware that many millennials (for want of a better description) won’t accept an adult conversation of this kind. I am an assertive (not aggressive person) and in conflict, my approach (e.g. with my hubby) would be to let the dust settle, find a quiet, calm time and suggest a discussion about the conflict. Yet, I can’t do this with one of my daughters. Like the OP’s daughter, mine is self obsessed and arrogant. Even simply gently trying to suggest we had a misunderstanding, or to tell her about my feelings, let alone challenge her behaviour, leads to her lecturing and ‘gaslighting’ me.

My mood is also low (for a couple of weeks in my case) after a visit with my daughter (she lives some distance away). My husband (not her father) has bitten his tongue for 10 years (he has witnessed my daughter’s behaviour towards me). However, after my last visit to her, he said “I don't want to speak out of turn, but this is clearly not good for you. I think you should back off and just respond to her when she contacts”. I should say that this daughter only really contacts me when she wants something from me. That might be advice or for me to do something practical and by ‘back off’, he meant not be the one contacting her or suggesting a visit and just let her lead the contact. Left to her, it is many months at a time without even a text. I wonder if it would run into a year or more if I didn’t contact her, and yes, I have tried contacting her weekly or monthly, it makes no difference. I discussed how I felt and hubby’s advice with my other daughter and she concurred. It felt right to me, so I have done this for the last several months and although I miss the little girl she used to be, and feel upset at the loss of closeness, I don’t miss the woman she has become, and I accept the reality of the situation much better now.

I wish I could say something comforting to you Greeneyes, but your situation is all the tougher due to your close relationship with your granson. I hope you find a way through. I also have a grandson (6 months old) with that daughter, but, since they don’t live near and my daughter never brings him to us, I haven’t seen him enough to become close to him. It makes me very sad that I won’t be building a strong relationship with him, but I guess that is easier for me than your situation.

Have you ever tried telling your daughter that you are sick, tired and fed up of her eternal criticisms and put-downs?

A bit late in the day, perhaps, if she has always been like this. Why did you allow her to develop into such a carping human being?

I'd tell her politely that we are all entitled to our own opinions on books, politics or any other subject and that having a pleasant conversation with her is well-nigh impossible as she criticises everything you say apparently.

If you can discuss your differing opinions in an adult manner then it is fine to disagree, but there is no reason why you should but up with blatant rudeness just because the woman is your daughter.

If this plain speaking results in your not seeing your grandson for a while, then that is hard, but believe you me when he is about 11 he will be at the receiving end of his mother's nasty tongue and will probably demand to be allowed to see you more often.

I think your daughter is very stressed and taking it out on you. I had the same problem with my daughter when she became a mother. She became very disrespectful and said some very hurtful things. I know it was because she was finding motherhood difficult so I made allowances and tried to support her as much as I could. It still hurt a lot though. Thankfully things are much better between us now although we do still have some bad days. I really feel for you and hope your relationship with your daughter improves soon.

My daughter was so awful to me that a psychiatric nurse told me that she had a pathological hatred of me. It turned out that she was on drugs and kept me away because she didn't want me to find out about it. After an horrendous 20 years of family disruption she died. I hope to God that nothing like this happens to you Greeneyes 57

People can only treat you the way you allow them to.
It sounds like a silly cliche but its true.
Why on earth do people put up with their families treating them this way?! Sons and daughters are only people, not divine creatures.

OP Just a thought, maybe not helpful, maybe not possible.
Don’t offer any opinions, let your daughter give hers first. Then, if you don’t agree, outmanoeuvre her expected reaction, either make a bland comment or change the subject by asking a question. Listen carefully to her opinions and maybe you’ll learn more about where she’s coming from.
My apologies if this is a really daft random thought!

I agree 100% with grandtanteJE65 and MissAdventure

My mother often tells me I am wrong about the way I do things, has entirely different views, etc and is quite strident about it. I try to just laugh and say "Ah well, good job you're living your life and I'm living mine." Why do your opinions have to be the same? Why can't you agree to disagree? Are you somebody who can accept she has a different viewpoint?

Sounds like you dont like each other. Not everyone who is related will get on.
Sounds like she has resigned herself to this but you haven't and you are trying to force a relationship that isn't there. Maybe it never was? It all sounds awkward and forced from your side and unwelcome from her side.

Focus on your GC. She doesn't want to know, there's nothing you can do to make her interested in you if the relationship/fondness just isnt there.

Forcing a friendship/relationship on someone who doesnt WILL end up making them rude to you if you dont read the cues. Back off a bit and then what contact you do have via the GC may become more easy/less tense

A person I know often starts conversations with me on topics we both know we disagree on! I used to debate with them but now I just say I am not interested in talking about it or I just ignore. I have not got the energy to go over old ground again and again. I wondered if this is what your DD was doing..actually trying to avoid a disagreement?

If she has all these friends and a great relationship she's probably not normally the rude disrespectful person you describe. Maybe she doesn't want to talk to you . She is allowed to chose who she is and isn't interested in. You can't make someone like you... trying that when they clearly dont want to know just makes them like you less

Its really really REALLY tough when you realise that someone you are invested in doesn't like you, but sounds like you already half know it but just arent ready to let it go, which is understandable: its a hurtful thing to admit to yourself. But its also doing yourself a kindness long term because it wont do you any good to keep trying if its not what your DD wants.

Elrel makes a good suggestion, I think, not to offer any opinions and to listen to your daughter's views and make only neutral comments (or maybe even agree with her.)

Then, even if you don't get the sort of relationship with her that you would like, maybe she'd have less opportunity to be unpleasant to you.

My MIL would always say “If you say so.” whenever anyone disagreed with her. It was very frustrating sometimes but it closed the argument down very effectively.

I guess the modern equivalent is ‘Whatever.”

It can be so very hard to recognise just what has gone so wrong. Even recalling past tensions, the clock can't be turned back and you hope as two adults you can find a way forward that is at least polite and respectful, if not the warm, loving and laughing relationships that other women manage with their grown-up daughters.

My elder daughter has nothing but contempt for me, started when ex-H moved out when she was 11. Tonight she has arrived at my house in tears with my little DGS, as she and her DH have just separated. She's not had a kind word to say to him or about him for ages, I've often avoided spending time with them together as the barbed comments and digs are so embarrassing to witness. I'm not at all surprised they've split, but as I won't join her in pulling him apart, and I find it hard to believe her shock and surprise, she is now in the darkest, coldest anger with me and is suggesting she will sever contact with me permanently. So be it.

I’m sorry your daughter is unkind towards you, it has to be hard. You say this is how she has always been, why do you expect her to change? At 35 she is set in her ways, she won’t change, but you can. You can change how you interact with her, does she act this way towards you around other people? If not, always bring another person. If your husband sees how she is acting he needs to call her out. If I’m being honest your daughter sounds like a brat. You need to decide how to go forward, get the respect you deserve (and risk her using your grandchild as a pawn) or getting treated shabbily and have access to grandchild.

I am in a somewhat similar position.
I just don't respond to most of what is said as it is usually said to cause trouble!

Its hard but I have found the only way through is to use every trick I can think of to stay neutral.
I say things like Oh really, I don't know, how nice for you. Then change the subject.
Most of the conversation is a veiled attack so the best thing I can do is NOT react!

If I did I would be cut off and not allowed to see my gchildren...which has happened before.
I think that's behind the spiteful behaviour...niggling me until I give them a reason to stop the gc's seeing me.

If you can live without the gc in your life tell her how you feel and expect the worst. Otherwise perhaps do as I do, but refraining from having absolutely NO opinion doesn't feel very natural, and could have a negative reaction from your daughter when she realises you aren't going to engage!

All the best

I have an older sister who doesn’t get on with her daughter and there is always this thing in the family, with half blaming the daughter and the other half blaming her mum. But what I have noticed over the years is that they are both so alike. Both use illnesses to get attention, both blame the other, both exaggerate things. I am sure that is why they don’t get on. I used to feel sorry for my sister, but over the years I have seen how she treats others, so just think they are both as bad as each other!