Jokes: Some Rude; Never Crude

Rating 7;
Two ladies, Joan and Mary, bumped into each other in the supermarket
"Hello" said Joan. "I haven't seen you for ages. How are you keeping?"
"Not too bad" said Mary," but I see your trolley is loaded with tins of dog meat. I didn't know you had a dog"
"We haven't" said Joan. "These are for my husband. He loves it. One day I make a casserole, then
another day I'll put some pastry on it for a pie, I also make a Shepherd's pie. Hubby doesn't know anything about it. He loves it"
"Goodness me" says Mary.
Sometime later they meet again, but this time Joan has no tins.
Mary has to ask,"has hubby gone off it.?" "Oh no" said Joan, "he died" "Goodness me, what happened?
"Well, he was crossing the High Street when he suddenly sat down to lick his arse, (sorry) bum and got run over by a bus.
day

merlotgran Twa coos in a Fife field. Which one is on holiday?
The one with the wee calf.

Am I right or a meringue?

or a meringue = am I wrang (wrong) that help?

What's the difference between the creator of Mickey Mouse and Bing Crosby?

Bing sings and Walt Disney. (translation needed?)

Phoenix, you're nae rang!

phoenix Please explain the Glasgow bakers joke it’s driving this Southerner crazy??‍♀️

Sorry to those Gransnetters with more delicate sensibilities
sodapop; Hear, hear.! Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I'm composing certain messages, like "who is this likely to offend?"
A scale of 0 to 10 would be handy with 0 meaning "disgusting" and 10 "unshockable, try me!", although I guess most GNetters would rate 5; but I could be surprised.!

especially since it was gillybob who translated both jokes

I must be having an off day

I'm from the deep south and I got phoenix's one immediately no, it's ok, I don't want a medal, just saying

Thanks for the explanation phoenix, I was puzzled too!

Lost in translation maybe ????
You can say that again, Gillybob; please.!
I met some Geordies during Nat. Service many, many decades ago. Couldn't understand a single word. Almost as incomprehensible as the lads from the Welsh valleys.

Thanks for that gilly - I was puzzled but understand now and giggling!

Well I’m a Geordie (NE England ....almost but not quite Scotland ) so I got Phoenix’s joke straight away ...

In a Geordie accent we would say “or am a rang” ( interpreted to “or am I wrong”) .

Try saying “wee cart” instead of “weak heart”

Lost in translation maybe ????

Aaaah! Got it Phoenix! I had a bit of trouble thinking in a Glasgow accent!

trying to explain it to DH though
Gillybob; I'm zero Scottish (thankfully), so you'll have a tougher job explaining it to me too! And I also need an interpreter to understand Phoenix's Glasgow bakery joke!

A man walks into a bakers in Glasgow and says "Is that a chelsea bun or a meringue?" The assistant replies, no, it's a chelsea bun".

gilly Thanks for the Scotish reference re merlot's joke, I didn't get it until you said that

Yours wins the prize for me so far minesaprosecco

I think it means we share the same wicked SOH soda

Love it merlot although still trying to explain it to DH though (who should be ashamed as he’s half Scottish ) .

Two bags of crisps are walking down the road when a man they know stops to offer them a lift.
"No thanks" they say, "we're walkers".

What do you buy a man with a weak heart?

A wee donkey.

Two cows in a field, one goes "MOOO!"

"Oh, I was just going to say that!" says the other one.

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a pint. The barman is amazed that the duck can talk, but pulls the pint anyway. He asks the duck 'What are you doing here?' The duck replies 'I'm working at the building site next door.' The barman says 'You know, there's a circus in town. You should go and see the ringmaster, I bet he'd give you a job.' The duck says 'Circus? Big round canvas tent?' The barman says 'Yes, that's right' and the duck says 'What would they want with a plasterer?'