Accepting help

I would be touched and appreciative of your kindness, not offended.

I think it depends how it’s done
If it was a friend it could be awkward as personally I can’t receive a gift without wanting to return one and if I couldn’t return one I d feel very awkward and upset that my position was so difficult
I wouldn’t question their motives or feel offended but I would feel inadequate
However if it was say an annoyomous gift to a group or family or organisation that s lovely
A while ago my tv broke and I was crying into my cuppa tea ( not literally) to a close friend she came back to me a few days later and said I was telling x her close friend about your flipping tv ( she’s not gossipy so I knew it would have just been a casual remark) and she says will you let her buy you one Now this friend is a lovely lady very very benevolent and very well off and I knew she would have said it with the soul intent of wanting to help Now I don’t know whether it was my pride or what but I thanked her profusely but said please tell her I ll be fine I couldn’t accept that gift Now that might be about my inadequacies but just a little story to show how difficult and what a fine line it all is

Difficult one to answer. I would say try but do not be offended if rebuffed or too hurt to offer help again with someone else if you see someone else in need.

Bluebelle,do you know what ? My own pride goes beyond yours as I wouldn't have even mentioned the tv breaking down.
I understand fully that it wasn't a veiled hint on your part to your friend but I still wouldn't have said anything at all.
It's not about inadequacies.

I know I sound like an oddity but it's the way I've always been throughout life and things were beyond tough in the early 60's bringing up a family etc but somehow I got through. Don't ask me how.
Fiercely independent and stoical or am I pig-headed ?

I keep a lot to myself too.

I would always struggle to accept help and feel very uncomfortable with seeming to be unable to cope. Too independent for my own good probably. Like EllenVannin fiercely independent and like to sort my own problems and stand on my own feet. I've never thought it could be pig-headedness but maybe it is. But I've always been able to help others whenever I can. It's the way I was brought up.

It's a difficult one. We are all so different, and our feelings alter as we grow older. When I was a young wife, I would have felt mortified, unless it was a gift from family. Now, a lot older, a bit wiser, and definitely a lot more mellow, I hope I would accept a gift with good grace. We also like 'to pay it forward', and if we could help, would.

I remember a few years ago GA your very kind offer of help when I had helped a young girl who was friendly with E,my GD by taking her in as she kept running away from home,it was a very kind offer made with the kindest of intentions,but we shared what we had with her,as I felt that your money could have helped someone in circumstances worse than ours.
I still remember your act of kindness and offer which meant more to me than an actual gift,and hope that my refusal of your genuine offer didnt cause you to feel hurt.thankyou GA for caring

I am also too proud to accept help, not financial as I have enough money for my needs but with physical jobs around the house. I have severe arthritis in both knees, every step I take hurts despite strong painkillers and X-rays show both knees need replacing. But I need to lose weight before going ahead so struggle on.

So, I have adapted my shopping habits to help limit walking, have someone to cut the lawn and clean windows - that is fine as I pay them. But I will insist on trying to do heavy work on my own! Too proud to ask for help and too impulsive!

Yesterday I struggled to move a double bed and dressing table around the room and dragged a chair bed from one room to another. It took me over an hour with rests in between as the chair got stuck in a door way, but I was determined! I could have waited a couple of weeks for one of my children to visit and help me but I was too impatient.

I am paying for it now though as I am almost unable to walk!

downtearth I'm sure I was not hurt at all and it was such a long time ago I can't even remember the details.

Several years ago someone I am not related to gave me a gift, completely out of the blue, of a thousand pounds and asked me to use it to buy things that otherwise I couldn't afford. I knew that in that person's culture it would have been inappropriate not to accept the gift and after saying several times that it was 'too much' I felt I had to accept it. With twinkling eye the giver told me they knew I would eventually 'pay it forward' - and I have, but at the time it felt extremely awkward and I wondered if our relationship might alter afterwards. (I'm happy to say it hasn't.)

I think its as important to accept help as is it is to offer it. People like to be able to return a kindness and if this is refused they will find it difficult to ask for help again. My husband is like this, he is always helping someone but never takes up offers of help himself. I can't get him to understand that its good to receive graciously as well.

Years ago when my children were small a lady from my church approached me after the service with two bags of groceries saying that God had told her I needed them. I was mortified as I tried my best to hide our very straightened circumstances from view and it brought home to me that yet again I had failed to prevent my little family from being singled out as “poor”. I lived in a very affluent town where many people lived and still live lovely comfortable lives and I felt huge embarrassment that we were the poor neighbours! It didn’t help that the lady in question generally had a very condescending manner and would like to drop into conversations about the size of their house or a new car etc! That said I have received other gifts from friends with a glad heart and given them too! So much depends on the motive of the giver which will shine through with the gift.
Recently my colleagues from work gave me a voucher for M&S knowing that I am still on sick pay and needing many new clothes after my cancer surgery but that was just a lovely thing and no awkwardness

Is there still 'shame' in being poor? Or in need? I work with people who literally have nothing and some of them are deeply mortified by their straightened circumstances and others are pragmatic about their situations. The latter are generally the ones who look forward to being in better circumstances and anticipate being in a situation in the future where they will be in a position to help others.

Recently we have helped one of our homeless clients to be housed and he will move in today. He has the clothes on his back, plus a couple of changes (bought for him by our organisation), some food that he's received from the local food bank, a sleeping bag and blankets - and nothing else at all. He's very positive about the situation and will gladly accept any help offered and is already talking about becoming a volunteer with our project. He will 'pay it forward' in his own way.

'It is better to give than to receive'. Firstly it is great to be in a position to give, secondly if you are receiving then you are probably in need. Equally you do get a 'feel-good' buzz from helping out. However it can cause embarrassment, so no, I would not go around popping wads of notes into the hands of people I consider needy or deserving. I certainly would not want anyone to dole out things to me. Different if you are accepting on behalf of others, children possibly. Personally I prefer a charity of my choice, usually small, and helping animals out who suffer terribly at the hands of the human race.

A friend of mine needs to get her bath taken out and replaced by a walk in shower but it struggling to afford it. I feel I would like to help out financially but am afraid she would refuse, then it would spoil our relationship.

I would accept gracefully , but if it happened more than once i would probably say thank you but please don't keep spending your money on me. Give it to a charity of your choice.

I am very independent but have learnt to say thank you for any offers of help not just financial but practical too. I don't want to turn down offers to help too often as I may not receive help when I really need it.

I am also a very generous person both with time & money when I have it

Years ago when I was a struggling single parent, my friends mum would invite me round, and send me home with 2 bags of shopping almost every week.
I have never forgotten how much it meant, and how she just quietly added the bags to my 'stuff' when she took me home.

No, not at all grannyactivist as this is something myself and my friends regularly do "just because" and I find it very heartwarming that there doesn't need to be a reason such as birthdays or Christmas. It shows it comes from the heart.

If it’s my family including nieces and nephews I would be quite touched.
Received a gift from Waitrose last Christmas an Italian panatone (loaf-cake)? Did go in a competition they were doing quite suprised when I won and quite chuffed.

I've only ever asked for major help once. My husband was poorly with the lung cancer which would kill him three months later. I had a chance to buy a house which belonged to a relative, a house I'd always loved and could envisage being in once my inevitable widowhood began. My husband was very encouraging - a lot of people though we were mad given how ill he was, but it actually put a spark in him and he was very enthusiastic. Buying the new house was easy because of buying from a relative, but I had to sell the current house. The sitting room, hall and stairs were in dire need of painting before I could sell it. I couldn't possibly do it alone in time, I couldn't afford a tradesperson to do it, and my husband had no breath to help. So I sent out a big group text and email to everyone I knew asking them to please help me.

People were fantastic - we had a painting day - about 20 friends turned up with ladders and their own brushes and rollers. We played loud music all day which we sang along to, I bought in cake and biscuits and had pizzas delivered. Even now, 8 years later, when I hear the opening bars of 'Dancing In The Moonlight' I can see all my friends singing at the top of their voices, dancing around my old house and waving their paintbrushes around. It's a magic memory and they loved being a part of it. I was so glad I'd asked for help.

It was a good move and I'm very happy in this house. My husband only lived in it for two weeks and in a way it's been good because it's not full of memories of him and it's helped me cope with his death.

Like Marthjolly1 and EllanVannin, I am fiercely independent and wouldn't say anything, however, I am resourceful and, although never having been really strapped for cash, I would imagine that I'd find my own solutions.

It depends what the gift was - if it was money that I did not feel I needed, then I would be happy to tactfully explain that.

If it was people to sit with OH while I go out, then I would hoover them in through the door!!! I do go out (I am singing in a concert today) but not without a rucksack full of guilt on my back.

I would say "thank you" and not be cynical at all.