Argy Bargy madness, come right in! ??

Where did those Toblerones come from, has Thor been on holiday again?

He was muttering something about the Trossachs but it was difficult to hear him over the new jukebox and Jude told him to try smearing Germolene on them.

That's quite an athletic routine lemon I've never seen any moves like those before, even on Come Dancing.
But of course the BBC wouldn't allow the snakes in the studio.

That repair man has lost so much weight, perhaps you could make a DVD of your performance and the NHS could prescribe it for lard arses instead of a free 12 weeks at Slimming World?

Yes, you definitely remind me of someone I've seen recently in one of those historical epics on Talking Pictures. I think it was Salome rolling round on the floor in front of Charles Laughton. Now who was it..
Elizabeth Taylor perhaps? Gwyneth Paltrow? Phyllis Diller?

See the Tena machine is empty already!
Can you send George down to fill it please Thor?

Another ginger beer please and since you're by the optics, just a small meths. After all, I'm driving.

Yes Jude. I saw the notice board in the hall. Twice in fact as that ginger beer seems to have given me double vision.

You can read it yourself, Thor, oh you can't read in English?
Any other European languages? No? I'd gyp the French lessons with GG13 if I were you as they don't seem to be doing any good at all....

It seems lemon is starting a book club.

Brilliant! AT LAST!
The Argy Bargy can slough off its reputation for being a seedy pit of sleeze, and aspire to being a haven for the literati.
Think Oscar Wilde, Gore Vidal, Hemingway, Barbara Cartland...

The paper's a bit thin, obviously lemon was in a hurry penning this...in eyebrow pencil, dark brown Rimmel if I'm not mistaken...

THE ARGY BOOK CLUB -

September - Awaken the Giant Within. Tony Robbins.
( Was that one yours Thor?)

OCTOBER - Acting for Dummies ( You - Jude?)

November - How to win every time at Roulette (don't tell me, its the one with planning permission for the casino)

December -The I Spy Book of Fatbergs.

Hmm. Looks an interesting list for the reading group.
Disappointing though. I thought GG13, gransal and maddyone were up for the dwarf throwing but obviously they've been outvoted again.
Never mind.

One for the road then Thor, and one for the Captain too. Can you turn the jukebox down a bit too.
Who's put Highway to Hell on repeat again? Oh sorry, vicar, didn't see you there....

Hey Jude - is that right the bouncers at the Albert Hall have been having trouble from a coach load of Aussies? They'd mistaken it for The Argy Bargy? So you're expecting them!

Well they haven't turned up here yet, not unless gransal and GG13 have intercepted them on the way.

That explains the new lines of bar food lemon got from the wholesalers. I've never seen koala flavoured crisps before.

Word is Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman were seen waving through the window so if they turn up it'll be company for you Jude

And of course the Captain and Russell Crowe have so much in common, word is his performance in Master and Commander was based on the Argy's very own Jack Tar! So all those fish fingers ads were worth it in the end!

More meths Vicar?

Gosh well done lemongrove that was a good move of yours ( makes a change to see one that doesn't involve you taking your clothes off) intercepting that group of Japanese tourists who'd got lost trying to find the Shard.
Charging them a tenner each to use the toilet and two quid each for a selfie with Jude was a stroke of genius.
The bell on that till's been ringing non stop all afternoon, hasn't it Thor?

And you were so quick turning round the snakeskin handbags, only £400 a pop, although you'll have to change your late night act a little now your pythons have disappeared. Those tourists went wild for them!

Lemon have you thought of applying for Dragons Den since you are obviously a natural entrepreneur! All these years ( the many many years) managing the Argy may finally pay off! Mind though, don't try and flog one of your new bags to Deborah Meaden as she won't be keen at all being such an animal lover, although she might like Thor to be introduced.

They say that Peter Jones is a bit of a goer too. And look how tall he is. Nine foot seven! You know what they say about tall men..... Long Wallets!

You could win an investment from the Dragons into the Argy. Just think Thor, you could have new bar stools, your own mop bucket, a fruit and nut machine, free Tena for the ladies and those little blue pills for the boys. Maybe even some new cobras. The mind boggles.

Shame we ran out of Saki but Thor was quick to improvise with the Jeyes and an apple J2O.

I know, I liked Theo Paphitis too but he had to leave the Den as his wife bankrupted him playing online bingo so he had no money left to invest.

Well. See you later, Captain. Just off to visit a sick friend, yes, that's right. The one who ate your Sunday special yesterday.

That Uber driver refused to drop me at the Argy Thor! He said it was too dangerous!

Blooming cheek, you mark my words he didn't deserve a tip and he certainly didn't get one! And the trouble I had with him. Mauling me about and manhandling me, when I was only trying to straighten his tip jar where it had fallen over!
What a nerve!

Lemon still sewing the bags downstairs Thor?
Must say that buzz doesn't sound much like my old Singer treadle used to, but I expect that's progress for you. Everything's lighter and more portable these days.

Did the Vicar get off OK? Think she was probably too late for evensong but if she put her foot down on that scooter she could have made Vespers.

I didn't realise lemon was so interested in wildlife but then again I suppose the ferret breeding programme and the snakes should have been a clue. Yes, Thor, she really is the David Attenborough of Soho.

And her latest initiative Jude, really! Getting George downstairs and those unfortunate Crossrail guys chipping bits off that fatberg to put in netting and sell it as bird feeder fat balls? Brilliant idea.
That'll raise at least a pony for the club!

OK then. Just a small one Thor and one for yourself.
Oh OK, a double ginger beer with a Cointreau chaser.
And two packets of cashew nuts.
And a bag of cheese and onion. On second thoughts make it two.
And a packet of koala crisps.

And one for the Captain Thor. He's disappointed after Russell his old mate didn't turn up.

Anyone seen today's paper?
I need to look at the Crossword.
Now 7 across
Lessismore Hmmm....

How many letters Caro ? Fun sized could be the answer,
Or disappointing?
Well, the Argy is flush with dosh now thanks to our busy enterprises, although I have run out of pythons ( and ferrets)
Am thinking of getting parrots now, the Admiral and Captain have offered to supply some, we could train them to talk!
Have to keep it clean though, we don’t want to offend the punters.

It’s a funny thing, but am sure there was a whole large box of cheese ‘n’ onion crisps in the backroom? I have looked everywhere for them, can anyone help?

Thor, fill this suitcase with all the cash in the till I must get it to the ...’ahem’ bank toot sweet.

Hi Thor, I'm exhausted delivering all these leaflets lemon had printed advertising the club.

She promised me a life time supply of cheese and onion and a parakeet in lieu of wages, so I hope she comes across.

Mind you from what the punters say, she's very reliable in that area. Even the blokes down at the Kensington Barracks gave her ten out of ten on that score, and most of them bat for the other side, at least according to Brian Sewell.

I did a bit of fly posting too (I always try to keep my hand in) since I just happened to find a few cans of glue in my fanny pack, next to my lighter fluid, and my prescription amphetamine.

Bit hard trying to decide where to stick the rest of the leaflets , so after careful consideration and being fed up to the back teeth dragging that potato sack round, I plastered them all over the front of the Longchamp store and Liberty.

It looked very artistic even if I say so myself and it looked an improvement on all those scarves they have in the window. People started taking photos, I think they thought I was Banksy but then I heard some sirens in the distance so it was time to make a move.

Those posh shops always get loads of gawping tourists who can't afford to buy anything in them, so I thought if we could deprive them of their hard earned cash it's a win win! Look how well lemon did yesterday! Her fingers were red raw counting those fivers!

In fact the Captain, George and Jude are down there now. They found a few abandoned rickshaws and are going to start kidnapping, what? Oh, slip of the tongue Thor, I meant to say taxiing yes taxiing the tourists and bringing them straight here.
Genius or what!!
Let's celebrate!
Treble ginger beer with a rhubarb gin chaser, three packets of prawn quavers, and a Scotch egg please Thor. And have one yourself!
No, I didn't mean a drink Thor. Your bar prices at the Argy are horrendous. I meant you can have a Scotch egg.

Been recovering for a few days after falling on. I mean over lemons pole.. I'm sure he had a ferret under his top lip when I first saw him. Must have run away at the thought of talking parrots. Pint of poteen for me and a crème de menthe chaser.

gransal I think you’ve had more than enough to drink for one night young lady! ?

Well done Caro....but you have had the cheese ‘n’ onion crisps already, I do owe you a parrot ( they are on their way as we speak.)?
Who’s locking up tonight? hands off the till please!

I’m back girls, I’ve been otherwise engaged for a while with those Ausies and those Japanese tourists, oooh don’t ask, but we’ve been all around town and in and out the Argy, and no one even saw us. Mind you we all spent a long time behind the tena machine, it’s clean out, didn’t you notice? And I’ve found my appliance, shhh top secret, but wonderful results.
A pint of poteen please, can someone shut the door as the Ausies and Japanese leave. By the way, the Japanese, so, so polite, never make any assumptions, always ask first. I bet Lemon’s spotted them, she never says no to anyone.

Ooh, Lemon’s pole, where?

Gosh Thor it's deafening in here with all that squawking and tweeting.
The Vicar's complaining she can't hear the jukebox and someone's playing 'Born to Ride' over and over again. Expect that's lemon, it's her favourite song after 'Ave Maria'.

Just a single please, Thor, I'm still drunk from lunchtime as I went shopping for fungal toe nail cream and ended up on the prosecco. No I'm not sure quite how that happened either. It's a stressful business shopping.

maddyone had any luck teaching that Scarlet Macaw 'The Lady of Shalott' yet? Well it's a very long poem so if it can recite the first two verses I think she's doing well.
gransal done any better with her version of 'the boy stood on the burning deck...' no? It bit her where? BLIMEY, she'll have trouble dancing with that hula hoop now!

lemon cheated me with my fly posting/ leafleting job as I still haven't got the parakeet. She tried to palm me off with a canary that she'd used gransals pink and blue hair colourant spray on but I could tell. It was too small for a start and I wasted an hour trying to teach it to whistle the theme to Pointless .

I saw on the news that one of the aviaries at London Zoo had been broken in.
Disgraceful. They said police are hunting three blokes last seen on rickshaws carrying mysterious sacks that were moving and making noises.

Obviously a poltergeist, but you cant make people believe if they don't.... I mean though, look how accurate PsychicFanny was over where maddyones household appliance was!!! Spooky!

Hope lemon has thought this new bird initiative through Thor. We'll get mice with all this birdseed, you mark my words!

You mean we’ll get MORE mice Caro, we’ve already got mice. Blimey, we could get rats, love rats maybe?

maddyone brilliant
Yes I bet there have been a few love rats knocking round the Argy! I even heard that George was married but when Thor mentioned it, George got lawyered up and threatened to sue him for slander.

I saw everyone standing on the pavement outside the Argy this afternoon when that funeral went by.
Think it was one of the chaps from Crossrail who'd been bagging up the bird snacks lemon is creating out of the Argy Fatberg. He must have either absent mindedly chewed one when he was putting the netting on, or else it was the sewer gas again.

It looked a lovely procession though, everyone even gransal, and GG13 had black armbands on (though very little else) and the Captain played the Last Post on his trumpet. It was all very moving.

The only problem was when dearest lemon apparently misunderstood the last request of the deceased. Yes, she'd placed a gerbil instead of a single gerbera on the eco friendly wicker casket and by the time the cortege had passed Wetherspoons it had eaten half of it.
Tragic. Very tragic.

But the show went on. We all know what a trooper lemon is, at least that's what the troopers always tell us.

Mmmmm what shall I have? Right Thor, pint of poteen and koala crisps for maddyone and I'll have, let's see I really should start slimming but what the hell, a pint of your finest ginger beer, a Cointreau chaser, and three cheese and onion. And a pie. And cheese.
And one for yourself Thor.
Yes, that's what I meant. One piece of cheese.

I'm a bit of a lurker, joined a while back.
We are being spoken about on Mnet, all good so far.
I think somebody was surprised GN exists.
It's a lovely place and very friendly, just haven't much to post at the moment.

Oh, mines a Gin and tonic please, no fancy flavours though.

Is it too early for a large one (?) Mr.Gravy is not himself, seems to resemble George C? Has a naughty Argy person swopped him?

REWARD £500 IN POUND COINS (OLD ONES) for Grumpy Gravy .......no rush!

romaroot are you the same romaroot that maddyone shared a cell with at HM Styal for six months?
Forgery wasn't it?

Gosh, what a welcome addition to the Argy crew you'll be!

You can start with that bucket of 29p trolley tokens from Poundland ( that don't work in trolleys) and start turning them into pound coins. Here's a nail file that lemon dropped yesterday, (extra large because of her four inch long acrylics, I'm always surprised she's got two eyes left when she peels off those false eyelashes) so you can file and drink at the same time.
A bit like the people who work for HMRC when they're sending our their incorrect tax coding notices. The Argy got one of those last week but Jude set it on fire and smoked it in one of his roll ups.

I'm surprised you don't want to try one of the Argy special craft gins they're hand brewed in our own stinking, sorry climate controlled I meant to say, cellars.

lemongrove designed it herself. It's called The Fatberg Speciality Gin, the real taste of home. At least our home here at the Argy, that is.

Connoisseurs please note, this strikingly unusual and exotic nectar swirls round in the glass reflecting a rainbow of beautiful colours. This luscious liquid with its tantalising aroma is guaranteed to electrify the senses and bring you a never to be forgotten experience in a glass.

That's according to lemon as she wrote the advertising blurb for it. It only cost a tenner a week to put it in 'The Watchtower', and we all know how many readers that has!

We have a team from Crossrail working on our new gin, as they're always trying to branch out in new directions.

romaroot, come on, just try one small treble. I mean I presume at your age you're vaccinated unlike that poor Crossrail chap whose parents obviously failed in their duty so really it was THEIR fault he died after sampling it. Nice funeral though.

You won't be sorry. Thor give romaroot a packet of cheese and onion on me as a welcome to the Argy gift. I'll just have a Tia Maria as I'm feeling fragile this morning and haven't had my breakfast yet. Better make it a double. With a ginger beer chaser.
Peanuts romaroot?

GG13 if no one claims your reward money make sure you give those coins to romaroot, she can work wonders with a nail file!
You're looking very tanned, I must say, unless your livers packing up with the old vino! Here, have a large one. romaroot it's your turn for a round!

Welcome romaroot?glad you popped by to say hello.
A lot of GN members don’t ‘get’ the rough house humour of The Argy, but those that do receive a warm welcome here.?
May I put you down on the cleaning rota? Are you a big woman....can you lift barrels ( I can!)
GG13...what can I say, Grumpy Gravy is hard at work out the back scrubbing our yard, he’s a real worker ( although the best scrubber is actually Caro.)
Hand Jude back when you’ve finished with him please.

Grumpy Gravy was always fond of a "good scrubber"........Oops apologies for typo "good scrubbing" ????