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So Sad

(73 Posts)
ttgran Thu 10-Jan-19 11:43:48

Quite a newbie on this site but find many of the answers to problems of family life helpful.
My two adult children have had words over the last three months culminated in them not talking to each other.(they have always been angsty with each other but never like this)
Today one of them told me that she is cutting any contact with me because I have not supported her as she expected (we have been very close)I can still see the grand children via SIL but she will no longer talk to me.
We are a small family unit and like any family we have had our ups and downs but just cannot understand how she can do this.
I have no siblings and although some good friends they are too close to our family that my discussing this might get back to her.

Too say I am upset is an understatement I have tears rolling down my face I cannot see a way forward.

Too make matters worse I have found a lump where there shouldn't be one and have a urgent doctors appointment today normally I would ring her for support but sadly can't.
Not sure why I am posting just need to talk to someone


albertina Fri 11-Jan-19 17:20:24

The most important thing right now is that you look after yourself. That's what matters. Your health and welfare comes first.

I speak as the mother of two warring daughters, one of whom hasn't spoken to me for 4 months.

I wish you all the very best.

ElaineRI55 Fri 11-Jan-19 16:57:32

So sorry to hear of these types of family fallings out. You are certainly not alone , ttgran, in experiencing this sort of issue.
I think a letter is good as it allows you to think through what to put and allows your daughter the chance to read it through carefully without the temptation to respond in anger to any particular point as might happen during a conversation.
Can you also gently get your feelings across to your SiL if he is bringing the grandchildren to visit - and just reinforce to him how much you love them all?
As others have suggested, maybe only tell your daughter about the lump after it has been checked. You can give her a call maybe at that point or write another letter.
Also, as she has children, suggest to her that she would want to support them both if they fell out with each other in the future and wouldn't want to choose sides.
There could be real/imagined hurts from years ago that have never been voiced by her. Your letter could maybe offer a general apology that you know there are things you could have done differently as a parent but you only ever wanted and still want the best for both your children (without being too grovelling - she isn't perfect either).
I think one of the main reasons for folk falling out is that we all bring different personalities and experiences to our relationships (even within a family), so can read feelings and intentions into the words and actions of others that are not what was intended. Your daughter has possibly done that with you. The fact that she is allowing you to keep up contact with the grandchildren offers a lot of hope, I think, that she realises how important family relationships are and still cares about you - and will come round fairly soon, hopefully.
I do hope that your lump is indeed benign and that your daughter can put this episode behind her and rebuild the closeness you had with each other.
All the very best. flowers

luluaugust Fri 11-Jan-19 16:45:09

First I hope your appointment goes well. I think a short note along the lines that have been suggested would be ok, if you don't tell her about the appointment it could cause further upset. She may not reply straight away but she can't say she wasn't included. Good luck

David1968 Fri 11-Jan-19 16:14:05

The advantages of writing a letter are that it can be "thought-through" and worded carefully, before sending. And subsequently no-one can dispute what was said (unlike a conversation.) Sometimes this can be helpful - within a "dispute" situation.

Davidhs Fri 11-Jan-19 15:53:52

Sibling rivalry has been a fact of life since time began and in my close and extended family it happens quite a lot, the less fortunate blames someone else for what went wrong, anything but making the wrong decision themselves
In most cases it is choosing the wrong partner, one sibling choosing a bad partner, or even worse taking independance to extreme.
If you have a lump tell both, it can do no harm, it might even help, seeing you as vulnerable might just change their attitude.

breeze Fri 11-Jan-19 15:51:55

Please let us know how you get on at your appointment. Most lumps turn out to be nothing. I agree with everyone who said best not to push it right now with your DD. Concentrate on yourself until you know what's what. You can't take sides with your children. Could be worth pointing that out to your DD. Would she take sides if it were one of hers? You can't force her to remain on speaking terms with her sibling if they don't get on but it's unreasonable to expect you to take sides. Do nothing until you know if you are well, then perhaps point out to her that as a mother, you cannot take sides and ask her to consider how she would feel if she were put in the same spot with her own DC. I do wish you well with your worry over the lump and I very much hope it's nothing to add to your worries. flowers

justwokeup Fri 11-Jan-19 14:50:16

Exactly what Step4gran said. I wouldn't tell her about the appt until you find out if there's anything to tell. I doubt she could choose sides between her children. I do think young parents are intrinsically selfish - survival instinct or something? - and sometimes it gets out of balance. Very best wishes for the appt.

sharon103 Fri 11-Jan-19 14:34:21

I don't pussy foot around any one. If she was my daughter I would tell her to 'Grow up' and let her get on with it and leave it like that. Why should mums keep apologising and bowing down to adult children just to keep the peace. We in our family say what we have to say and then forget about it. I hope all goes well for you. You look after you. Hugs.

Rosina Fri 11-Jan-19 14:33:22

Your daughter is probably hurt and shocked at falling out with her sibling, and wants your support to reassure her that she is 'right' in what she is doing. If she were being logical she would realise that you could not possibly cut off your other child because of a falling out that didn't involve you. She needs time to come round from this rather silly stance, but given your health concerns right now it might be a good idea to write or email to tell her what is happening, without referring to her quarrel with her sibling. If you don't tell her she might be equally shocked and hurt about that and find herself lashing out again in completely the wrong way.

I hope that the consultant can help you; nine out of ten lumps are nothing to worry about and the tenth can be dealt with very efficiently today, as many GNs on here can reassure you.

willa45 Fri 11-Jan-19 14:20:33

First things first. Be assured that your daughter still loves you despite everything you're telling us. She is hurting and you didn't take sides, like any good mother should. You have done nothing wrong by staying out of their squabble. Her words are driven by anger and nothing else.

Lumps often turn out to be just that.....'lumps'. Having said that, they usually turn out to be benign, most of the time.
Call your daughter anyway and tell her what's going on. You can say something like "I know you're upset, but I have something very important to tell you. My health and my life may be at stake and I understandably worried. There is nothing I need more right now, than to have you be there with me, because I don't want to face this all alone."

Re: lump. Even if your diagnosis is not what you wanted there are many successful treatments available and even people with cancer are living long, productive lives. Try not to worry and listen to your doctors. Praying for a very positive outcome for you (on both fronts) and sending you virtual hugs. flowers

Lynnebo Fri 11-Jan-19 14:07:56

I’m so sorry that you are going through such a harsh time OP and wish you well. I hope that your daughter is back in touch soon x

grandtanteJE65 Fri 11-Jan-19 13:43:25

I agree with those who say wait a little before contacting your daughter. You know best whether to do so immediately after your hospital appointment or not, and I do hope the lump turns out to be completely harmless.

Are you in contact with your son? It is difficult when our children quarrel. Is their quarrel the reason why your daughter "isn't speaking to you"?

May I suggest that you tell both your children that you love them equally and that you have no intention of being involved in their disagreements now that they are grown-up? I can't see any harm in mentioning that you would much prefer the whole family to get on with each other, but that if that is too much to ask, you could perhaps agree to have visits from them separately.

Please stay in touch, whatever happens. We will all be thinking of you until you get the test results, and until this (silly?) quarrel between your son and daughter blows over, and I hope, your daughter starts missing you.

Step4gran Fri 11-Jan-19 13:35:22

I fell out with my younger brother and his partner, never in a million years would I have expected my mum to fall out with them too as the issue was between myself and them. I would send a letter to her explaining that whilst you understand she is angry/hurt with the situation, but you cannot choose between your kids - would she be able to choose between hers? I truly hope the lump is indeed nothing to worry about and that your daughter does see sense and reaches out to you xx

dallas Fri 11-Jan-19 13:19:35

I can so relate to this, I lost my darling Husband end of October after nursing him for 3.5 years and being told numerous times he only had a short time to live but he rallied every time but the last. To say it was emotionally dreadful would be an understatement. My son and Daughter were wonderful (his step children, my first husband passed away in 2000) and helped enormously. In the last few weeks my son thought my 6 year old Granddaughter, my daughters daughter, shouldn't be in the house (my husband wanted to die at home) with her ailing Grandfather, we spoke to the GP, District Nurses and Hospice Specialist Nurse to ask their advice, and they all agreed it was a good thing, except my son and DIL. My son kept on and on in earshot of my husband how bad it was until my darling husband asked me to tell him to be quiet, which of course I did, telling him I understood he was concerned for his little niece and even getting the medical team to speak to him, but he just wouldn't listen, after hardly any sleep for four weeks and watching my darling husband dying before my eyes I snapped one day and told my son to F..k off. I am deeply ashamed and told him so, but he just went on and on, also telling us how much money he was losing being off work to help, when I said to go back to work he has told people I didn't want him there. He hasn't spoken to me since then and ignored me at the funeral, I have written to him, sent Christmas cards and left a message on his house phone telling him I love him and the door is always open. He has blocked me and all his family on Facebook and mobile phone, friends have tried to talk to him telling him that I was just so exhausted and terrified at what was happening that I just had a moment but to no avail, he has now blocked them also. I honestly don't know what to do now, I have lost my husband, son and Grandson all at the same time. I am lost and struggling to understand how adult children can not understand and behave in such a way.

Jaycee5 Fri 11-Jan-19 12:53:55

Was there nothing in the 30 minutes she spent talking to you that was valid? You have called it a rant but it is difficult when things build up and you finally get the courage to say it particularly when it is a parent.
My mother always stays impartial if my sister and I fall out unless she is the one upset in which case she will intervene. I am not going to pussyfoot around that just because she is my mother (although obviously now she is 93 I let things go). My sister admits that she was always the favourite, she just thinks that she deserved to be.
I think that it is virtually impossible for parents to treat siblings equally but they always think that they do.
Her outburst may well have been unfair and full of imagined slights but you have just written it off as a rant which seems unfair. Can you try to get past your own hurt and then think a bit more closely about the detail of what she actually said rather than the hurtful way she may have said it. If there is anything at all that you can take from the conversation that you could address she would at least feel that she had been heard.
It is hurtful to be at the receiving end of someone who is angry with you but most adult children probably have some built up frustrations with their parents that they want to get off their chests. Sometimes it is possible to let it go but sometimes it is too difficult and she was explaining why she feels that she can no longer cope with as much contact.
I wouldn't tell her about the lump until after the appointment as hopefully it will not be a problem and she may just think that you are trying to guilt trip her, unfair though that would be.
You have spoken about your feeling but not really about your daughter's. You talk about helping out financially which is great and may not have been appreciated in the way it should have been but it does not really affect emotional hurt. My mother was as generous as she could afford to be financially but she still stayed with my father who she knew was emotionally abusive to me. She still ignored the fact that he gave all my toys away when I was 10 out of spite (he said I was too old to have toys but my sister, at 11, was allowed to keep them). In her mind she loves us both equally and in her own way she probably does.
Time may help and she may feel better for getting things off her chest but I think it unlikely that the relationship will heal easily without at least addressing her concerns. If you accept that she feels that you did not give her support, you could explain to her that you have tried to be supportive but that it seems not to have been the kind of support that she needed and that you are sorry for that (if you are). You have referred to all the things you have done since she has been an adult, but it probably doesn't start there for her. Was she happy as a child?
The timing is awful and you have to wait until you are feeling physically and emotionally strong to deal with her, if you still want to - you might find that you prefer a little less contact too after a bit of time apart - but don't get into a rut of thinking that, because she addressed the issue in an unpleasant way, there is nothing that could be changed. Afterall, she didn't say that she wanted no contact at all.

blue60 Fri 11-Jan-19 12:40:32

Hello ttgran. This is indeed a sad situation. My brother stopped talking to me for over year due to a falling out I had with my niece (his daughter).

My mother did not take sides, and I respect her for that. After a year of no contact, my brother and niece eventually started speaking to me again and we are all on an even keel with no lasting resentment among us.

I guess your daughter sees herself as being in the right - she may well be - and is expecting you to make a choice. You have chosen not to, which is the right thing to do. Leave them to it, don't make any comment or get involved in their argument.

I believe your DD is making a mistake, we all make mistakes and she will see that in time. In the meantime, that doesn't help you very much, but just carry on and do what you think is right.

It also doesn't help now that you need support at a distressing time. If she knew, she might come to her senses and realise what she is doing. You must now turn your attention to your own well being and take care of yourself.

I really hope your lump turns out to be benign, and whatever the outcome you have support on here. Wishing you all the very best. xx

Tillybelle Fri 11-Jan-19 12:26:02

Sorry! I said "Sister" meaning "brother". Confused by my previous examples!

Tillybelle Fri 11-Jan-19 12:15:06

ttgran. Oh you poor girl! I am so sorry! It never rains lest it pours does it not?

I'm glad you posted your message even if you're not sure why you did. There will be so many people who understand your distress and can give you comfort.

Trouble among adult children is not in the least bit unusual, indeed it is so common I would go so far as to say it is practically normal in statistical terms. People hide it or concentrate on the good times so the amount of it is not revealed.

I have had my own distress with adult children and have seen my friends go through it in a very big way too. One friend, whose has been a widower for many years, has two daughters who refuse to be under the same roof and who have kept up their feud for over 10 years.

Obviously, in expecting you to take sides, your daughter is being unfair and unrealistic, especially as she is a parent herself. The bit about not bringing the Grandchildren to see you smacks of manipulation and suggests to me that her sister may have reason for avoiding her. In many families, and I mean very many, there is at least one member who has a personality which causes trouble in relationships and creates distress between people. I had to endure my mother's personality problems and then, in a far worse and more merciless way, my older half-sister. We could not have a family event or time such as Christmas without her causing a terrible row and upset. So in the end I tried to avoid contact. As I started to mention it to friends, I learned just how many other people had the same problem.

I know how distressing this is and that you are very upset and do not know how to address it. It feels like the end of the world at the moment. Please try to take great care of yourself, in the first instance. Treat yourself well, have a treat like going to the hairdresser or doing something you enjoy. Do things that bring you into contact with your friends in your generation. Concentrate on your own life. Your children are now adults so try to let go. Make sure you tell yourself every time the worrying thoughts about this schism come into your mind, that this is their problem, they are adults now, you do not have to sort it out and you are not going to be manipulated. When your daughter realises you are not affected (apparently) by her blackmailing words, she will at first perhaps try harder to hurt you, but eventually she will see that you regard her as an adult who must sort out her own problems now and that threatening you will make no difference to what you do. You will always love her, you are her mother, but you cannot be manipulated to come between your children.
I do hope you have some good friends who can take you out and keep you occupied in pleasant things to keep your mind off this as far as is possible. This problem will not go on in its intensity as it is a the moment. If your daughter decides never to heal the breach with her sister, that is not something you can alter. You must look after yourself. Things will get better, I promise. You will adapt and become very wise through all this.

Even having to go through the worst scare and the tests that finding a lump engenders, can actually bring with it some silver linings to that cloud. You will meet people, and who knows what kind friends you might make, even someone who has great advice about family matters like yours? Never give up hope. We can get through these things and are not alone. If you get the worst diagnosis, even that is so different today from say, 5 years ago. It is a journey and you will make it and even find bits of it enjoyable. It will be interesting, certainly. Please remember, from now on, you are No.1: You do whatever you want! You enjoy life. If you fancy some chocolate cake then you have some!
God bless you, I shall be thinking of you and sending much love, Lx flowers

dragonfly46 Fri 11-Jan-19 11:59:10

Sorry about all the ups and downs - you must be dizzy!

dragonfly46 Fri 11-Jan-19 11:58:04

Annaram1 and all the others estranged from their AC I feel so sorry. I cannot imagine how you feel.

I have an adult daughter and adult son. I think we are close although my son rings more often and keeps me abreast of his news. He is married with 2 children and although we have had a few hiccups with my DiL in the past we worked really hard at making things work and I would say we get on well now.
I hear from my daughter spasmodically by text but rarely by phone. If I do not hear from her I know she is happy. She is also married with no children and we get on really well with SiL. We are welcome there anytime. I know though that she would do anything for us as demonstrated recently when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. We also have had our ups and downs but always try and talk it through.

Of course families will have their ups and downs but in my view it is important to keep the lines of communication open. I would and have bent over backwards to make this happen often swallowing pride.

I do hope you all sort these problems out.

Lilyflower Fri 11-Jan-19 11:52:41

Bloody hell. It is heartwrenching to read all these stories of family members treating each other with such cruelty. Nothing excuses it.

Theoddbird Fri 11-Jan-19 11:45:43

Please call her and let her know about the appointment. Keep it short and just say you felt she should know. Do the say to her sibling as well. Sending virtual hugs and peace to you all.

Annaram1 Fri 11-Jan-19 11:39:00

I feel as devastated as ttgran. My own lovely daughter rang me from Canada a few weeks ago and told me she wanted to reduce contact with me as I had no respect for her and never have had. I could say the same about her. She is 54 Her call turned into a half hour rant, in which she accused me of all sorts of things, As far as I know I have always supported her, even flew immediately to Canada when she was found to have a lump which was operated on (it was benign). We sent her and her husband a lot of money over the years, even gave them a deposit for a house. When we visited them in Canada we paid for a lot of things, including a trip to a holiday area, a voyage from Vancouver to Alaska, dinners out, and looked after our granddaughter when possible. All to no avail. She is now newly back to live the other side of England. I saw her and granddaughter at my son's for Christmas and things had slightly improved. SIL is working abroad and was not here. I am not sure if things will continue to improve as I cannot forget some of the hurtful things she said. My husband died nearly 3 years ago and I feel lonely without her.

ayokunmi1 Fri 11-Jan-19 11:36:31

Im holding you in a tight hug.
This sadness will pass concentrate on your health for now
This is why my children are my children but not my best friends...seen how my friends have been controlled .

freestyle Fri 11-Jan-19 11:31:25

I have been in this situation and it carried on for three years. My eldest son just cut contact he just stopped being in our life’s. This was all down to jealousy and greed. I had just had my first granddaughter by my youngest son so I was over the moon but my eldest and his wife were jealous and thought we were giving money to other son and we were helping as much as we could, everyone knows it’s hard when new baby arrives. He just cut us out no matter how we tried we couldn’t bridge the gap. They eventually expected their first baby and we were the last to know even though my husband worked with my son and in actual fact was his manager. I sent baby clothes to my son, he returned them. Family wasn’t any help ( my husbands brother and my sister and their spouses )seemed to get a kick out of it and gave the pot a good stir. When their daughter was born she was so poorly and was in intensive care she was so close to dying. He phoned to tell us to come to the hospital as they were christening her as they didn’t think she would make it. Even at the hospital we were treated as second class citizens my son let people see our granddaughter before us. as she was getting better he told us to visit just on a Friday at the hospital. It has been a struggle but we have a good relationship now. We have given our sons everything in fact to much I never would have treated my parents or my husbands parents in this way. I think the more you do the more you may. Those three years were the worst of my life I never want to go through that again. Jealousy is an awful game. I wish you good luck and hope everything turns out positive for you. Xx