Gransnet forums


Short lived relationships & resulting babies

(109 Posts)
PECS Sun 20-Jan-19 10:02:52

There are some very sad situations on threads where a couple have a sexual relationship which results in pregnancy. Sadly, & for whatever reason, the couple are not together long term and paternal family are excluded even before the child is born.
Are we not "training" our young folk well enough to understand the responsibility that goes with sexual intercourse and any resulting pregnancy? I know ' accidents' happen but if a father wants to be part of a child's life, even if the life was not intended, there really should be a stronger push from establishment & society tp make this the expectation.

Dontaskme Sun 20-Jan-19 19:32:42

In an ideal world parents would be equal - sadly when it comes to having the "power" in making decisions over children the Mum has the final say. Even the courts are biased in favour of the Mother.

Mycatisahacker Sun 20-Jan-19 19:45:11

Well bring your sons up to be condom wearing respectful men and your daughters to never have sex with men who are not the above.

That usually works well and did for our 4 adult kids.

GrannyGravy13 Sun 20-Jan-19 19:49:30

Maybe the boys/men should take more responsibility and use protection as opposed to relying on the girl/woman.

Sex is over and done with relatively quickly, a child is for life.

A child brings much joy, but you only have to scroll through Gransnet to see the heartache caused when things go wrong.

KatyK Sun 20-Jan-19 19:52:10

I agree with the above. However, I read something once that made me think. Someone said 'one look from a man (or a woman) from across a crowded room can send 17 years of parenting down the pan'

GrandmaMoira Sun 20-Jan-19 19:53:24

This is not a new thing. When we were young the girls were usually forced to give up the child for adoption or sometimes the child was brought up by the grandmother.

kittylester Sun 20-Jan-19 19:59:21

I wonder how many couples who 'had to' get married in the old days, stayed the course.

My bil and his young pregnant wife battled, literally, for 16 years before throwing in the towel!

Dontaskme Sun 20-Jan-19 20:01:01

Have I misunderstood the OP? I'm sure PECS said.. "I know ' accidents' happen but if a father wants to be part of a child's life, even if the life was not intended, there really should be a stronger push from establishment & society tp make this the expectation". I took this thread to be about letting the Fathers and paternal side of the family be involved??

annsixty Sun 20-Jan-19 21:09:26

My D employs a student part time from the local college.
On Friday she asked to speak to my D and burst into tears saying I am pregnant.
She is 16, she had just rung the not friend and of course he didn't want to know.
She said her mother would " kill her" mum has a child of 18 months from another man.
It played in my D's mind but she cannot and must not get involved.
Sex education is failing girls and not getting through to boys who want to have their cake and to eat it.

trisher Sun 20-Jan-19 21:40:00

Some of you have no idea about the wiles young women employ to convince men there is no danger of them getting pregnant. Why do they do it? I've no idea. But the father has to be very strong and persistant to maintain contact with the child. The courts do take the mother's side.
Yes there are careless men who don't want to use condoms, but there are also devious women who want a baby. Can you blame the parents for this? I don't think I think you can do your best and a child can still go astray

PECS Sun 20-Jan-19 21:46:15

I did mean that any young man who wants to be a support to his child should have that opportunity.

GrannyGravy13 Sun 20-Jan-19 22:11:55

trisher - totally agree with your post.

PECS Sun 20-Jan-19 22:22:13

I did not want to make any judgements about parents of young people who have "unplanned" babies. It happens! I just feel it needs to be more of a mainstream expectation that both parents have an equal responsibility in ensuring a child's well being. Neither parent has the right to deny the other the opportunity to fulfil that responsibility as long as there is no risk to the child's wellbeing.

Grammaretto Sun 20-Jan-19 23:02:36

Do we in the UK still have the highest number of teenage pregnancies in Europe?
I know a girl who had her baby and she is bringing him up with the help of her parents. She hasn't told the father that she was pregnant. She says she hardly knew him and doesn't want him in her life.
I am shocked. I think her attitude is selfish.

PECS Sun 20-Jan-19 23:14:49

Grammaretto it is those situations I am thinking about. Obviously the child's best interests are paramount but to deny the opportunity for a child to know two parents needs to be challenged. I have a friend whose nephew has a child from a casual relationship but he looks after her regularly, takes her on holiday and is her 'dad' . My friend hosts them on trips to London and she is a part of that side of the family. The parents do not need to be best buddies..but can be civilised and courteous for the child's sake

paddyann Sun 20-Jan-19 23:33:32

i dont think its that simple Grammaretto there may well be reasons she doesn't want the father involved.I too know a very young,16 year old bringing up baby with parents help.Her "boyfriend " of a few weeks told her if she loved him she wouldn't "make him wear condoms" then when she told him she was pregnant he threatened her .He was a real charmer .
She didn't tell her family until it was too late for a termination so baby arrived a wee bit early but fine.Ex's family are telling people she's a slut and he only slept with her because she was so easy .She's a nice girl but very naive ,she wont let him or his family anywhere near her child and who can blame her.
I think we only imagine that all young dads want contact ,many are more than happy to walk away without taking responsibility.

Grammaretto Sun 20-Jan-19 23:51:20

paddyann I know. Its easy to stand in judgement.
Poor girls. They are still the ones who have to make the impossible decisions and someone disapproves whatever they decide.

Grandma2213 Sun 20-Jan-19 23:55:55

While I agree there are some Dads who don't want to know, I also know of quite a few young women who got pregnant and put the father's name on the birth certificate so that they can get maintenance. Most of them are on benefits by the way. (I don't have a problem with benefits when they are needed as they very often are). They then go on to have more babies with different Dads. These mums then, sadly, often use the children as bargaining tools when the Dad wants to have contact. Obviously this is just one of many scenarios but it is so sad that the children are usually the ones to suffer. I wonder what they will think when they are old enough to understand or seek out missing parents.

Witzend Mon 21-Jan-19 10:22:50

Some 20+ years ago a friend of a friend was desperate for a 2nd child, but refused to have sex with her husband, since he was doing a lot of business-related travel in Africa and she was convinced that he was regularly using prostitutes and thus seriously risking AIDS.

She was endlessly trying to arrange very brief, unprotected flings with any suitable man. I was told that she was usually frustrated, because they would mostly insist on using a condom.
Alas I never heard whether she was successful, since the woman in question lived abroad, and the friend who related all this to me died.

A friend of a dd, who'd been told that for medical or biological reasons, the chances of her ever having a baby were a million to one against.

She subsequently became pregnant after a one night stand while on a work trip abroad. Luckily she was entirely happy about her 'million to one' baby.

PECS Mon 21-Jan-19 10:27:44

I reiterate..if both parent WANT involvement and it does not damage the child then the law & society should help that to happen.

Oldwoman70 Mon 21-Jan-19 10:50:10

I hesitate to comment on this thread as I don't know what sex education entails in schools. When I was at school it just covered the mechanics - do schools also include caring for a baby and the sacrifices that need to be made to care for a child?

PECS Mon 21-Jan-19 11:00:00

It varies from being excellent to rubbish! It is supposed to include "relationships". The DfE are updating guidelines atm but not sure they are available yet. We are so stupid in not being more open about sex & relationships from much earlier ages in UK. It does not preserve innocence to keep kids ignorant!
It causes more issues than it resolves.

Nonnie Mon 21-Jan-19 11:10:43

PECS I agree, I think both parents should have a right to see their own child unless there is evidence that the child will come to harm. However, there are some women who use the child as a bargaining tool and some who are simply vindictive and prevent the father from seeing his children. It is all very well to say the father can go to court but that has to be a difficult thing to do especially if you don't have the money to do so. I know a father who had so much evidence against the mother that if he went to court she would be given a custodial sentence. He didn't because he didn't want his children to lose their mother.

All these split relationships must add the housing situation.

PECS Mon 21-Jan-19 11:36:32

It is never straightforward! Which is why we need to radically overhaul the national attitudes to sex , relationships & responsibilities!! How to do it is a hard question! confused

janeainsworth Mon 21-Jan-19 12:10:25

I don’t doubt that in the past, there were just as many accidental pregnancies as there are now.
But then the expectation was that children would grow up with a mother and a father, so children were adopted or pregnancies terminated, illegally with great risk to the woman.
Now though, we have quite rightly removed the stigma of unmarried motherhood.
But we send out confusing messages to young people too.
It’s ok to be a single mum. If your relationship isn’t working, just leave. If you feel like identifying as a different gender you were born with, that’s fine too. In fact, doing your own thing and being true to yourself is paramount.
None of these messages are compatible with the idea that a child’s best interests are served by living in a stable home with two parents, and that often involves sacrificing your own wants, needs and ideals.
I don’t know what modern sex education involves, but I do think it should include the responsibility that having a child brings, for both parents.