Can anybody relate to this?

The trouble with us, the strong people who keep everyone else going, is that when it comes to saying, 'No, sorry, I'm afraid I'm not up to it at the moment' - we're weak. We find it hard to say 'no' for a variety of reasons.

This is actually not the case with me. I have said no in a variety of ways, quietly and loudly, but no-one takes the rains more than temporarily.

E.g. if I dont plan the family holiday it just doesnt happen.
If I ASK DH to plan the family holiday he talks my ear off about it to the point where I feel like I'm doing it anyway, then he forgets the vital stuff and leaves it to me to pick up the pieces and find solutions when he has booked accommodation with no late check in and our transport gets us there at midnight.

I have tried helping, not helping, striking, ignoring and refusing. But it still falls back on my lap eventually.

Other family members claim to be "not good" at tasks. They "just forgot" a lot. And it falls to me. But if I were to overlook things theres noone there helping me to keep on top of things.

Thats the worst thing. Im everyone elses safety net. Who is my safety net?

Belatedly joining in . Have RA. Not in the best of health. Do everything ie bills phoning holidays letters etc. Tried to get husband to help but he did filing backto front and upside down. He now has memory problem so can’t help and would be reticent anyhow. Wish someone would look after me. Am a bit resentful. Felt put on for most of marriage.

I'm exactly the same and a people pleaser as well so always doing things even when I don't really want to. I just feel as if I want someone to look after me too, no idea how to go about it tho

inishowen
I have one of those
I haven't had to cook or food shop since early 2000s when he retired. Don't have to think about repairs to the bungalow ( he practically rebuilt it) same with cars/money.
I do the holidays as he knows: if I'm happy he's happy [
It might sound as if it's all one way. But he is very happy in that I don't mind one bit when he goes away 4 times a year to race his car, fishing weekends/ jollies to Spain or Portugal with the lads.
It works perfectly for the two of us.

Im not a people pleaser or unable to say no, however I am PERCIEVED as strong and capable, even if Im not and am struggling. Other members of the family get "looked after" more because they are percieved as more fragile. But they're not theyre perfectly capable but theyre always left off the hook whereas I am never off the hook, Im never given a break [strong] even if I DEMAND a break it is short lived, then all if the responsibilities are piled back onto me, because apparently, I can manage (I am not managing I feel broken!)

Notanan2 I am so sorry to hear this.
When I wrote this post I was sickening for a virus which presented itself the next day. I am now back on an even keel.
However, at the time I did have a meltdown and screamed a little at my poor DH and since then he has being trying really hard. Sometimes you have to make your point in no uncertain terms. Maybe you should take yourself off for a couple of days and see how they all manage.

Throughout the years of Paw’s illness I frequently felt the need for a silent scream as I coped with everything, practical, medical, personal and emotional. That is not to say he didn’t care but had so much to cope with himself, I had to be the competent and practical one.
Now that I am on my own the assumption is that I am “coping well” - more silent screams. But I have to get on with it and do (and be ) the best I can.
However.....if you don’t ask, you rarely get so take a deep breath, work out what you do need and want and what it would take to get there. (I found “losing it” less effective and it just gave me massive feelings of guilt afterwards)

Oh without a doubt dragonfly, I think the time of year doesn’t help, I’ve grown to hate January with a vengeance as it seems to be the awful month where everything goes wrong, illness everywhere in family and who do they turn too.....! You’re not alone, but getting it off your chest helps. Let’s hope spring will be here soon, with lighter days and daffies and snowdrops everywhere x

You are right Maw losing it does just make you feel guilty. I thought we were getting somewhere this week but we seem to be back to square one again.

Maybe you should take yourself off for a couple of days and see how they all manage.

They would manage fine they are perfectly capable but it would tail off once I got back. It always does. So my choices are either nag nag nag on a cycle and "micro manage" them so they keep on top of the stuff they leave to me, or do it myself because nagging is exhausting, until I get to the point where I "strike" and then they step up....for a bit...

There must be something about me, people see "capable" even if my back is breaking under the strain. At home & at work & in friendship groups.
People say infuriating things like "oh but Im not as good at it as you" YES YOU BLOODY WOULD BE IF YOU DID IT ONCE IN A BLUE MOON.

I have family members who get away with being "scatty" and doing FA to help but if I drop the ball people get angry at me.

I dont know why some people get mollycoddled and others get dumped on. I'm no martyr I dont think I ask for it??

Even things like family dos, there are some "free spirited" family members who flit in and out, are famously unreliable and everyone thinks they're adorable for it!
Me? Im moaned at and guilt tripped if I have a GENUINE reason for not making it or needing to leave early....

Reliable capable old notanan! Thats me! I wanna be a flighty free spirit with no cares sometimes though!!!

Maybe you should sit them down and read to them what you have written here.

I think there are people who, very early in life, decide that they are going to look after themselves and will not take on any responsibility, however small, for anything else.
I have noticed this with trivial things in U3A ; making tea, opening up/clearing the room after the meeting, lifts for the infirm etc. When asked directly to help they say charmingly, oh I can't commit because I don't know if I will be available; (grandchildren are a wonderful alibi, taking my wife shopping is another) then place their dirty cup on the sink and sail out.

I think as said above as a child you make the choice in a volatile situation. My parents were young and lovers and they
Prioritied this above myself and my
Sister. We are now 55/60 she has checked out. I am left to cope as i did aged 7 trying to get mum and dad together and now mum has altzimers and dad is her cater. Not one fuck has changed. Just me sorting and my ds moved as far as she can do 300 miles.

Mycatisahacker
"My parents were young and lovers and they prioritised this above myself and my Sister."

Oh my goodness - my situation exactly.

There is a French saying, "The children of lovers are orphans."
Oui, c'est vrai

Wow I have never thought of it like this but my parents were the same. I was an only child but my dad idolised my mum to the exclusion of all else so I never really had that father daughter relationship that so many had.

Looking at this from the other side, it can be very frustrating to have a 'capable' family member. Knowing a person like that who just took over everything and organised everybody irrespective of whether or not they needed 'managing' was hard to take. In the end it was easier to just give in and let her be 'in charge' while we just got on with out own lives.
It's her personality and hasn't changed over her life. She's moved from one person or group to another to find people to boss about.

I think there is a huge difference between being capable and being bossy. I would never impose my will on other people. I ask what people would like, they tell me then they sit back and let me arrange it all.
Only the worm is turning and they will have to learn to be capable for themselves in future.

Jane10 you say that things dont need "managing" but if the people who are happy to "go along with.." discover that nothing is arranged for mum's 80th etc they dont get the hint and sort something themselves. They get angry at the one they usually leave to manage! And the ones left to manage CAN become "joyless" and frustrated, which you might interpret as "bossy". Guess why?

"My parents were young and lovers and they prioritised this above myself and my Sister."
Not me. But similiar. In my early years I didnt have reliable care/love and had to cope and be my own support system I dont want to be my own support system as well as everyone elses

If its got to Mum's 80th birthday then it's all gone on too long. One person's 'capable' is another's 'bossy'. Just another way of looking at a situation and the personalities involved. If you want to do something then do it. If you don't, then just don't and see what happens.

If you don't, then just don't and see what happens.
I know what happens
I get multiple phone calls from all angles asking me "what's happening"
I get people assuming I'm "in a mood" and "being difficult" just because I haven't actively arranged things.
If someone does decide that they want to organise it, they try to deligate 90% of it back to me (e.g. said 80th - I refused to take the lead (and have people who refused to help organise it complain about the venue/distance etc as usual). So I left them to it, ended up being decided that it was going to be at my house - fine! Except, the "orhaniser hadnt actually organised anything except for telling everyone to come to mine, expecting an instant "pop up party" that I had never offered to host or cater...then I was told that I would "disappoint everyone" if the party I had never offered to host didnt materialise..
...

Am I really the bossy one? Or are the others actually bossing me into doing everything for them in a passive aggressive way?

P.s. when I was told it would be at mine, I said okay, use the space, but on the condition you get it catered.

No catering was arranged. "Organiser" pretended that I had offered to cater and was now letting everyone down. They knew very well it was their job we had several conversations about it, they just lost enthusiasm half way through the organising and decided to shirk it back to me.

Still refused to swoop in and fix their mess. Ended up with one of them doing a dash to M&S and now people are still in a huff about it (with me!!)

Oh and M&S dasher still thinks that I owe them 50% of what they spent. And speaks of it as if they did ME a favour.

Me.

Not the "organiser" or any other family member.

Its fine for everyone else to turn up having contributed nothing.
My house & garden was used. Nobody offered to stay and clear up. But Im the one vilified for not paying for the catering.

Bossy? The people who get dumped on have to become firm with their boundaries or else the demands become ridiculous.

Oh and while I remained hopeful that "orgsniser" or dasher or someone would think of glassware and plates/cutlery etc (paper or otherwise) I had a sinking feeling they wouldnt. So I had my spares washed and on standby, but not out and ready. I had agreed to have my space used but had been clear that it was conditional on them doing the organising/hosting/catering.

The dasher turned up with bags of just food asking ME (not "orgsniser", who BTW got thanked profusely for their "organising" and is still milking it) where the serving dishes were...

So NEXT time I WILL be bossy! And will have to spell it out to them "AND.YOU.CAN.BRING.PLATES, AND TELL Y TO BRING DEVORATIONS"
But I wish I didnt have to. They force me to "manage" them.

And THATS what happens if I leave them to it...

It's the end result of you always doing it for years and years. It's a two way thing. You've literally taught the others that you do it all and have done for years then you have just decided not to any more and got cross at their confusion.
I don't mean to be unkind but that's my reading of the situation. The only way things can improve is by much clearer communication ie 'No you may not use my house.' And 'It's your party, you organise it' etc. You could have stated clearly that you are unwell and could not be counted on to take any part in it. Too late now of course but try to be clearer in future.