Can anybody relate to this?

Hope you can get another holiday Dragonfly and soon.holidays pick me up instantly the moment I'm on the plane with a nice meal or read.

I think a lot of us understand how you feel dragon but now and again learn to say no to certain things.

I sympathise. I wonder if, when the next problem comes along as it surely will, you could say something like, 'I reckon you should ... to solve this. Have a go .. ' or even ' I'm not sure, what do you think you should do?' 'What would you do if I wasn't available?' Try to bat it back into their own court, as it were.

In the same boat dragonfly. Always a yes person and the more you do the more they ask of you. As a person said, people will only treat you the way you let them and the older you get the more draining it is. Adult children never think that you're getting older I'm afraid. Reading the posts there's many of us ladies that are taking on too much, we really must learn to say no and say that we can't cope with everything. So sorry you've missed your holiday. Hope you can go away soon. Hugs.

Dragonfly , you are a wonderful person and people turn to you because you are so lovely , kind and thoughtful And you probably wouldn't really have it any other way.!! BUT to keep up your care for others you must care for yourself . A monthly treat - a spa day , girls lunch, quiet time with a book etc ME time is needed, also the advice above is good . Chin up , hope your blues have already passed ???

Husbands and children need clear instructions on what you want/expect them to do. Preferably in numerical order of priority. They very rarely put themselves into your shoes. You may need to say: “I need to take care of myself, I am feeling .....and I need you to do....”.
My mother always thought we should have known that she wanted this or that done....”. We never did as most of the time we offered to do something she declined. Ask for help.

Hello Dragonfly. You sound really down in the dumps so I am sending you.
You will have to draw on your inner resources and ask for help. In turn do not appear to be coping all the time but show the weaker side of yourself sometimes Learn to say NO. This might sound severe but it is the only way to let others know that you are not prepared to do everything .
I am so sorry that you were unable to go to Madeira and hope this is not because you were expected to help someone else.
Sending you my best wishes .
Carole Anne.

It’s funny but group dynamics can determine whose going to be the joker, the poorly one, the rescuer, the distant one etc. We fall into a pattern of being and others expect us to continue to keep the ‘dance’ going.

Watch what happens when you learn to play a different role and say no. You CAN do it! ?

I am sorry you are in this situation. I understand how you feel as I was in the same boat some years ago. Unfortunately it led to me becoming very ill - and there was a lot of moaning that I couldn't carry on as before. As I got better the demands just slowly increased again. You have to learn to say no. It can be made gentle - "I'm so sorry but I can't help you with that right now....." It's very hard to do but you have to look after yourself. What use to them would you be if you became ill? Ask yourself - " is this vital/very important/life threatening? and if it isn't - say NO. xxxxx

I know how you feel. I too was always the one to run around after my parents, while my spoiled younger sister made excuses. When I married, my DH was hopeless with money, so I ended up being the one who worried about paying the bills, while he thoughtlessly spent money on trivialities.
If the family was doing anything I was "Don't forget to" and "Have you packed your...?"
The childrens' problems were also my problems, even after they married, and i used to lose sleep worrying about them - though they didn't expect me to solve things for them.
One day, I had a wake-up moment, and said to myself, "It's not your problem. Let it go." Now I try not to get too involved in other peoples' affairs, and take a step back. I still help people out sometimes, and still do everything at home as I am now widowed, but I have taught myself how to say NO. That is what you need to do, too, for the sake of your own mental and physical health.

I also have a tendency to organise holidays, seeing friends, food shopping, finances , car services etc at home as well as helping the DC with their problems. My DH doesn't intentionally leave it all to me and sometimes I dig my heels in and ask him to take responsibility for a or b.

Yes. God. Its exhausting. Sometimes I quietly go on strike to see if that prompts others to take the reins, but it doesn't....

And sometimes I strike not so quietly, and DH promises to take on more, and then thats fine for a few months until it tails off again..

My mum gave me some excellent advice when I got married 40+ years ago - "Don't be too capable". She'd learned the hard way.
You can't change other people's behaviour, just your own. So harden your heart a little and say no or don't know.
My friend's mother died suddenly and her father had relied totally on his wife until that point. My friend thought he'd not cope but he's done very nicely thank you. Your family will adjust too if you can step back.

Exactly notanan 2!!

I agree with springy. Like most of us I've facilitated my OP and DCs. I shouldn't have done. It incapacitates the other person or people. It is hard to undo but can be done.

I am amazed so many of us are in the same boat ,,,,,,with no help whatever ! My husband has always been someone who has no empathy with others and a ME ME ME attitude ,,the doc and put it down to a personality disorder ,, but he was diagnosed with Parkinsons disease, dementia and now has cancer as well. I am so SO SO tired ...I have tons of washing every day and he has regressed into childhood and is demanding and throws things ,,,he has broken so many things (door handles, windows, etc) I was at the end of my tether ,,so I bit the bullet and he is now in a respite care home (had to use my savings ,,,,but I need to go to the UK for a week to sort out some things, and there was no choice) I was advised not to visit him before I left, as whenever he was in hospital and I visited every day he just said I WANT TO GO HOME .......and threatening to walk out and go home ...........mind you, I have been so busy whilst he has been gone for the first two days I am now exhausted again ! ha ha ........his daughter (with his late wife) tells me she cannot visit as 'your house is too hard to find'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WOT !...on his side, I do know he totally refurbished and decorated her house when she bought it ,,,I feel bad for him ,,,although with the illness he hardly realises ................I am 71 he is 85 and I feel too old to be looking after a 2 year old alone, full time ! Sounds awful I know, but he is very very difficult and when I was ill three times with cancer and secondaries he told me to 'STOP MAKING IT UP'........rant over ...you all have my sympathies

Violette you have kicked my problems into touch! I am so sorry for you and all the other people here in a similar position.

I have just had a call from a friend who cheered me up and put things into perspective. Hopefully my husbands back will be better by the time I have my mastectomy.

Its like that psychological precipice, keep falling into a deep well and it’s not so easy to get out. Take care all those who need hugs.

DH, DC, DM. DGS, DGD, DW. What do they mean?

There is a list of abbreviations, Kapitan. Click on "Acronyms" up near the top of the page.

Dragonfly, I know just how you feel. I’m the oldest of 4 and have always thought that I should solve any problems which cropped up. In fact if there was a problem I need to sort it so it’s probably my own fault that I’ve always been Mrs Fixit for the whole family. But I’ve gradually been divesting myself of that role, not so much by saying No outright but asking ‘isn’t that something you/he/they could do?’ and my ready answer to the ‘oh but you’d do it so much better’ rejoinder is that it’s because I’ve had so much practise and now someone needs to practise as I won’t be here for ever. So far everyone’s taken it in good part and my load is getting smaller.

Buy yourself you favourite magazine,make a cup of tea/coffee/wine,run a nice bath and get in it and stay as long as you can------sorry about your holiday,just had to cancel ours due to husbands back,feel very sad as was looking forward to seeing dear cousin in NZ.But not meant to be so have been asking friends of ours over for lunch and had nice visit today with old friends,which diverted husband from his discomfort.You must be very thoughtful to help everyone,look after yourself,good luck.

The trouble with us, the strong people who keep everyone else going, is that when it comes to saying, 'No, sorry, I'm afraid I'm not up to it at the moment' - we're weak. We find it hard to say 'no' for a variety of reasons.

But dear dragonfly46 you have to be strong for your own sake now.

Did your husband throw a deliberate wobbly and refuse to eat or did he just forget? If there's any possibility it was the former, then surround him with snacks before you go out next time and if he does it again, tell your GP. This is a sort of abuse and certainly a clever manipulation

I know you were disappointed about Madeira, that was such a shame but you are also feeling taken for granted and sick of it all.
You may have been the strong one but you didn't make any of them weak, stupid or totally incapable!!

They CAN do it for themselves; they'd have to if you weren't there.

I sincerely doubt your husband would starve himself to death if you took a few days off - he would be forced to learn how to feed himself (something most primates do at an early age .) And that would be a very useful exercise indeed.

Can you be strong enough to put yourself first and not be swayed by the pleas of others?
For your sake I hope so - or you'll end up in hospital with exhaustion.

Your mum was very wise there SpringyChicken. Great advice. I must have been listening at the door. ?