Grumpy Grandpa..,

I apologize, being new here I probably should have given a bit more back-story or info about myself, so here goes!

My husband and I have been married for 19 years. Second marriage for both of us, so we are a blended family. He has 3 daughters from his first marriage, I have one son from my first, and we have one son together. All of our children lived with us, until becoming adults and moving onto their own lives. All of them live locally, with the exception of our youngest who is away at college.

Between my 3 stepdaughters there are 4 grandchildren. As I said before, all of our children live near us, none of them are further than a 20 minute drive. That being said, we only hear from his girls when they want or need something. They never, or at least on rare occasions, include us in their lives, with the exception of sometimes a birthday party. We basically only see them at Christmas.

My oldest son has 3 children, whom I love and adore! They are 8, 6 and 4. My daughter-in-law had postpartum psychosis after the birth of their youngest child, and has struggled off and on since then with depression and anxiety. Living close, I have been able to help them out when they've needed me to do so. Most of the time this takes place in their home, and while my husband is at work. For the past year and a half, she's been doing great on her own and has not needed my help. However, they still have invited us over for dinner, to play games, to the kids activities, and to go with them on outings and adventures, etc. They include us in their lives. Likewise, I invite them over and on outings, because, well, do I really even need a reason to?! They're family, and I enjoy being with them! I do realize that there is most likely some jealousy on my husband's part of the time and energy I spend with these grandkids, and not with the others. My son and I have always shared a close connection. However, once my husband's girls moved out, they basically never looked back. I'm not going to force myself into their lives. In my opinion, if they wanted to include us, they would.

My daughter-in-law had plans for this weekend for a cousin of hers from out of state to visit. They rented a hotel and had plans for a girls weekend. The cousin had to cancel, so my daughter-in-law asked if the kiddos could have a sleepover at our house this Friday night so that her and my son could have a night out, as the hotel was already booked. They would spend the day in the city, and pick the kids up Saturday afternoon - not a big deal, right?

Well, when I mentioned it to my husband, his reply was, "OH! You're kidding me"?!?! In a very angry, exasperated tone. He then went on to grumble about, why can't they just cancel the hotel, blah, blah blah... After a minute or so of that, I just walked out of the room.

This is not the first time he has responded this way. I usually just go with it and have them over anyway. Once they're here, he isn't grumpy or unkind to them, he just seems to have to put on this show of protest and anger for me. It's just so frustrating! I feel torn between trying to keep the peace with him, and wanting to spend time with my grandkids, as well as help my son and his wife. Isn't that what being a mom and grandma is all about?

Wow, somethings we cannot change the distancing with his daughters is for another time. His exasperated explosion must have hurt, can you explain to him how you feel when he does this? Do you think it may help him stop doing it? If he rises above his initial anger to be pleasant to the children this sounds as if he tries and does perceive the charm in them. For your part it is good that you stay firm and ensure they do come, good for you that you stay resolute. Would love to know how you get on? Let him know how the harsh words make you hurt especially as it almost like an attack on your kin.

There's lots of things going on here DSilver which may possibly have helped cause his reaction.

1. He may be jealous of the close relationship you have with your son, daughter in law and your grandchildren in comparison with the one that he has with his daughters and his grandchildren.

2. He is still working, presumably full time, and will therefore probably regard weekends as a special time for the two of you to relax and spend time together, especially as your youngest son is now at college. It may also be that as he gets older, he needs down time at weekends to cope with his working week.

3. This was a last minute arrangement for you to have your grandchildren to stay over and he may well have felt that any plans he had for the Friday night and Saturday were being regarded as unimportant and swept aside.

I'm not saying that any of the above justifies his reaction, but may go someway to explaining and help you understand it. You will know how he feels about his relationship with his own children, but having bought up his daughters, their attitude now must hurt. You will also know how he is coping with work, how tired he gets, etc. Understanding why someone reacts in the way they do helps you too.

I'm not taking sides here, it's just that the closer you are to someone, the more difficult it can sometimes be to see something from their point of view and as you say in your second post, you are being pulled in two directions here which is a very difficult position to be in. You have my sympathy.

Ladyinspain - you need to be on the desktop site to find the link to acronyms . Scroll down to end of discussion and under the heading "gransnet" there is a link to desktop site and acronyms. It's not on the mobile site.

I think Magic Wand put it in a nutshell

"Victor Meldrew" livig here doesnt have anything to do with his own Daughter or Grandchildren, consequently he isnt over keen when my Grandchildren visit,mine are all teenagers from fourteen to nineteen,however he is getting better at socialising when they are here, so there is hope for you D Silver.

My dad was exactly the same with his grandchildren (my brother's children), when they were young, moaning about them coming over and then complaining, after they'd left, that they hardly spoke, etc. Some men are just miserable, I'm afraid. But don't let it ruin your relationship with your GC. Go and visit on your own if necessary, as I think you have been doing. It's his loss.

Dsilver could you do the sleepover at the home of your DS and DIL?

Your DH could rest then but you would be seeing your lovely DGC and helping your DiL?

Thank you for the input, advice and empathy given. When I called him about it yesterday while he was at work, he said he was fine with it. It seems to be his particular way of being I guess... React poorly hastily, and then given time to soften, give in to the idea. It just makes me crazy because I shouldn't feel that I am walking on eggshells all the time.

I tend to write things almost in full or without the D for dearest at least. A lot of us have been members on here for a long time so I feel it’s up to newbies to find out what the acronyms mean and not expect everything to be changed immediately. If they and others stop using acronyms, they will eventually die out anyway. Sil (son in law or sister in law) usually makes itself clear during the post if one is just patient!

I have to admit I don’t understand why husbands for instance are referred to as ‘dear husband’, grandchildren ‘dear grandchildren ‘. These are not terms I or anyone I know would use. I have about sussed out who the various people are that the OP is referring to, but like others say, what is wrong with just typing out who they are ie my hubby/husband, whatever you call them in real life?

This may not be the place to post this but given that there are several posters in this thread saying they cannot find any list of acronyms here it is.

AIBU - Am I being unreasonable
BiL - brother-in-law
BTW - by the way
DBH - dear beloved husband
DC - darling/dear child/ren
DD - darling/dear daughter
DGS/D - darling/dear grandson/daughter
DH - darling/dear husband
DiL - daughter in law
DS - darling/dear son
DSS/D - darling/dear stepson/daughter
DW - darling/dear wife
FiL - father-in-law
FWIW - for what it's worth
FYI - for your information
GD - granddaughter
GN - Gransnet!
GNHQ - Gransnet headquarters AKA cake-eating central.
GS - grandson
GSH - good sense of humour (not to be confused with GCH - gas central heating)
IYCWIM - If you see what I mean
LOL - laugh out loud
MiL - mother-in-law
OG - old git
OH - other half
OTT - over the top
PiL - parents-in-law
PM - private message
SiL - sister-in-law
SO - significant other
TBH - to be honest

Dsilver,
Great post . Real family life and sometimes you just have to let off steam which inturn can prevent an escalation of negative conversations (eg a flaming great row). You’re a brilliant mil. That is so kind of you to help your ds and ddil allowing them to have ‘them’ time. In our house we have two sets of emotions when the family rolls up at the front door. First we groan (they don’t see that) and then we smile and welcome them. The fridge empties, the noise levels rise, the cat scarpers , the dog gets overexcited, the sink worktops fill with dirty dishes and bits of food. Our lovely quiet organised world is completely disrupted until they leave. When they go we simply clear up the mess and say to ourselves how lucky we are that they want to be with us and we can help them. Are we perfect? No, we’ve even secretly sneaked off before they arrive and done our own thing. We’re only human.

My children's grandad is very grumpy. He never wants to talk to them apart from shouting at them. If they try to talk to him, he will actually ignore them and talk over them. Which is a shame because they are lovely, well behaved and articulate girls. Now when he pops in, the children say, "oh no it's grandad" and retreat upstairs. I think its a shame when grandparents show their distain for the grandchildren. They should be bonding. I think you're wonderful for supporting your children and bonding with the grandchildren, regardless of how your husband feels.

DSilver It seems to me you are a very wise woman who manages her life and relatives in a way most people would envy.

I'm glad DH came round and that when the children come over, he's not actually nasty to them. The only thing I would change if he were mine (other than putting cayenne in his underwear ) is explaining how hurt you are when he blows up at you, even if he does recant eventually. You don't need or deserve to be made unhappy about this.

And here's the link to the acronyms:
www.gransnet.com/info/acronyms