How to deal with sulking touchy DH

If he’s ever criticised. Or if someone says he’s wrong or contradicts him. Just can’t take it. Always on the defensive and is argumentative.

I just get in the car and take myself into town, park up, do some shopping, treat myself to a long leisurely lunch (or afternoon tea) and drift home just about the time I usually start dinner. I then tell him I’ve eaten, suggest he looks in the freezer if he’s hungry, pour myself a glass of wine and turn the TV on.

At least I don’t have to look at sulky face or be in the same room during his sulk.

Wait until he is out of his sulking, then you need to have a long talk.

Sulking is passive aggressive behaviour.. Simple as that. He can't express himself because hasn't got the skills or courage to come out with what is wrong or knows that his sulking is caused by something inherently selfish. There is a solution if you want to do something about it.. But it also takes courage, ask, ask and ask again. Tell him that you deserve to know because you're his partner. Keep on about it and don't drop it until he spills the beans. You might not like what he has to say but you've got to hear it. Also point out that it's hideous living with someone who uses these games to make a point. Tell him to man up and just say what's on his mind instead of sending you to Coventry, so to speak. This sulking is childish behaviour and causes misunderstanding and resentment all round. It's not acceptable for am adult to use this 'tool' for his own empowerment. Can you tell I absolutely abhore this type of behaviour.

Huge sympathies, OP. My mother was like this - would take offence at the most minute thing, and have 'that' face (and voice!) on, for days on end sometimes. I did truly love my mother, but she'd done it ever since I could remember and it was sometimes a blight on childhood. I would dread those periods - all of us inc. my father creeping round on eggshells so as not to upset Mummy.

I think my father should have had a major go at her very early on - before it had turned into a (frankly self-centred) habit - , told her FGS to grow up and stop sulking - and then all of us should have ignored it.

It was some years after my father died that I finally snapped with a vengeance and screamed - really screamed at her - after she'd done it for the umpteenth time over something so trivial, and really spoiled - for me anyway- an expensive evening out.

To be entirely fair to her I don't think it had ever occurred to her until then, how her behaviour had affected other people - especially us as children. But I told her, in no uncertain terms. She became very tearful, which was nothing so unusual if anyone upset her, but the behaviour did stop, for some years at least.

Don't know whether it'd work in your case, a really major, end-of-tether go at him? If not, and blithely ignoring it doesn't work, I really don't know. But huge sympathies again.

Yes, Imm6, I agree with Witzend; you really have to confront your husband about his behaviour. It is the cause that is so alarming; if he considers himself to be criticized in any way he responds with this cold treatment; you are spending your time 'walking on eggshells' in case you upset him, and the stress of this will ultimately damage your health. You say he is kind and generous; to me he sounds immature, immensely selfish,(things have to be done his way or not at all), and controlling.
I don't know how you force him to talk to you but I suggest you do consider your options and have them ready; find out your financial position should you separate; move him out of your bedroom, refuse to cook, care for him, call in the decorators, gardener, etc, unless this selfish behaviour stops.
Perhaps you are too impatient in your demands, but you can't achieve a compromise unless you can discuss the situation; his sulks solve nothing but seem to me to be a punishment he takes pleasure in meting out to you, and you cannot live life like this.

EllanVannin, Quote [A kick up the behind would be my answer--------can't be doing with sulkers. ]End Quote

So, some on this forum would advocate violence as a way to solve problems.

Doubtless, if any male on this forum stated the above towards his wife, the world itself would be brought down on him from women posters.

Nuff said.

Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and ignite him when he sulks. Go out and do your own thing. On no account try to jolly him out of it ( I speak from experience). If that approach doesn’t suit you then lack his (or your) bags.

Some years back I was with someone that was a sulker and it was awful. He could go for 3 weeks without talking, and it could be something so simple as the kids didnt brush their teeth. Couldn’t live with that it did my head in.

When he sulks just go out or go and stay with one of your children or go to a hotel and give him the bill. The longer you tolerate something the longer it will go on.

Remove the audience (you) and stop all services (preparing meals etc.) and just tell these men that you will not tolerate it any longer. That will really give them something to sulk over.

Mine is like that don't like me saying anything back so I ignore him let him get on with it then. Comes and love me after. Soon want you if you don't feed them or give him a drink. Now he does all the washing and washing up.

Is he retired and feels he's lost his identity?
Does he have any clubs, hobbies, etc.?
Do you?
Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness. I've learned that the hard way, now I'm widowed. You should both feel lucky that you are still alive, fit and well, celebrating this fact, going out and about, for walks, etc. etc.

Sulking or the silent treatment was my family’s way of dealing with things when I was growing up. My mother and father didn’t speak for 2 years. One day my father was standing leaning with his elbow on the mantelpiece and it collapsed in pieces. My mother didn’t even look up from her book. We called it the Great Silence. My brother didn’t speak to me for 25 years. I still don’t know why. I was the same of course but my late husband changed me. If I was silent he went on and on at me to find out why. In the end it made me laugh and I changed. I can’t bear sulkers now but I think gentle persistence might work. I refuse to be silenced now.

Well stated Dillyduck ref your post @ 09:36

it's emotional withdrawal. it's dreadful. it's passive aggressive. People who use it ...not just husbands, are often very successful at controlling people. It's all about power, they have to have it. I've often wished I was a sulker because I see how much of their way they get. But really it is cowardly and manipulative. You have to call them out.

Imm6 - IMHO the man needs help.

If he's always been like this then it may be a hang over from childhood days. I wasn't good at taking criticism when young because it was usually unjustified - just an opportunity for my mother to have a go. The criticism was always personal, suggesting that by having done or not done something "proved" what she'd always known - that there was something wrong with me.

If the sulking is a more recent thing I think you need to think about when it started and what may have led to it. It's not too late to have a frank discussion but you need to show sympathy or he may clam up for even longer than usual.

Do you think he knows that he is winding you up with his sulking. You need to let him know about the effect it has on you and see if he is willing to try and change.

I don't think removing yourself as an "audience" will change his behaviour. See if you can get him to open up when he isn't sulking. There is something he is unhappy about and it may not be due to anything you have done.

I hope this helps.

Imma6 my husband is the same he sulks about anything and everything, and it drives me mad! We have had to cut holidays short, cancel days out, put off friends from visiting and all because he is sulking over something or other. We’ve been married for 49 years and get on well when he is happy, but life is utter misery when he’s not. I’ve also thought of living alone and sometimes fantasise about my own little flat away from all the stress. I’ve tried to persuade him to talk to his doctor but that just brings on another sulk or a mood. We should be enjoying life now, but I can’t see it ever happening. I realise my reply is of no help at all but just know that you are not alone.

It sounds awful , but my partner doesn't sulk , he argues, says something hurtful , goes off to work ,leaving me worried and fretting .Returns home and never mentions it again , doesn't sort the problem or apologize , doesn't talk it through ..poof its over, gone .

I'm very much with jaw on this. Make a start on jobs yourself. With his exacting standards you will frighten the pants off him and I'm pretty sure positive action will kick in. Certainly did for me in the past. Good luck.

Love the suggestion about giving him a 'kick up the backside', but I could NEVER do that ............................. when I try to stand on one leg and to take a swing the other, I fall over :'(.

When he starts to go into 'a sulky', put some lively music on (radio or CD player) and practice your dance moves - even if it's only the 'Nana slipper shuffle' ;').

A bit of bopping along to 'Doo Wah Diddy Diddy Dum Diddy Doo' will either drive him potty or shake him out of his sulk.

I would simply ask him why he keeps doing it and tell him he is making you very unhappy. I hope you can sort it out as my Dad was a sulker and it was horrible living with it.

Grandad1943 don’t be so silly and touchy - I’m sure EV wasn’t really advocating violence and was said tongue in cheek.

I haven`t read all the above comments yes, simply because this is what I encountered, first with my dad, just after the war, he came out of the army,,, gosh he was a misery, he would go for ages with speaking, mom would cook him a dinner and he would leave it! and as my older brother and I were teenagers, we had to make light of it, and the longest we timed him for not speaking , being miserable was 6 weeks.

now. at my advanced age, and all the "sharing" that is now done, online etc... I have come to the conclusion that my dad suffered from depression, well we suffered along with him, but back in the day, depression wasn`t recognised , let alone talked about..

now my dh, ,,, to answer your question, no one is perfect!

he has been through what was thought to be depression, particularly the last couple of years, three different prescriptions the docs given him for depression (don`t like anti depression prescriptions) now he has finally been diagnosed as a BENIGN brain tumour, which the Consultant says can be operated on..

Not saying that all "miserable" people (not only men) have a brain tumour, but there is still so much that we, ie. doctors, do not know..

just sharing this with you all..
Praying you get an answer soon, I will go back and read the comments

Yes, this is def passive aggressive behaviour. We peace making ladies need to realise that we are not here to constantly be a bandage to others feelings, at the expense of our own, I learned that the hard way too. Tolerating it, just enables them to continue. If he won’t tell you what his problem actually is, get your coat on and say “ right I’m going up the pub, ring me when you’ve got over yourself” ! I’m not saying actually go up the pub, only if you want to of course ..... go to a friends, cinema etc Just give him a clear message that you are bored with his moods and you will not permit him to affect your happiness.