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News update on Family Group Meeting

(35 Posts)
Hildagard Thu 20-Jun-19 17:43:26

Very disappointing, DH and I didn’t have the opportunity to say things we wanted to say. That is that DD has to take more responsibility for her own actions. Social services only wanted to talk about the children, which I do understand, but the behaviour stems from the attitude of the parent. We did learn the DGS is having problems at school, refusing to interact being one of them. School are concerned about his mental health, but they have to adhere to strict guidelines. We are concerned that his mental health will have to deteriorate more before anything will be done. We expressed this. DD crocodile tears saying she needed time for herself. Unfortunately I find it hard to empathise with her. I felt bullied by the professionals, they were pushing for DH and I to commit to help with childcare on a regular basis. I have done my parenting, that may sound harsh, but my health is not 100% and I was a single parent for many years. Your comments would be appreciated.

Elvive Thu 20-Jun-19 17:48:08

My comment is I'm so so sorry. What on earth is wrong with people? A Primary school child should not be having MH issues.

Are there any support services for you and your partner? Could you try a different SW?

Does your daughter have a job?

SparklyGrandma Thu 20-Jun-19 17:52:40

It’s common for professionals to push or assume help from family members.

Ask for a one to one for you and DH and relevant social worker/s, either to express what you can do, or no to giving more help.

Be assertive or they will write you into the care plan.

Hildagard Thu 20-Jun-19 17:55:14

We are now looking at the possibility of having DGS referred privately, but I think the cost will be prohibitive.My DD only works 3 hours a day, her argument is she needs time to herself, she is a single Mum. She has time to herself, grrrr.

Hildagard Thu 20-Jun-19 17:56:26

Exactly, Sparkly Gran

agnurse Thu 20-Jun-19 18:26:14

I can see both sides of the issue of involving you in the care plan.

Absolutely, you have the right to say you're not willing to pick up the slack. OTOH, SS may decide that if you're unwilling to pick up the slack, your DGS may be better off in foster care.

I'm sorry things did not go better.

janeainsworth Thu 20-Jun-19 18:36:00

I am so sorry Hildagard and I think you and your DH should not have been made to feel guilty.
Schools do have access, in some areas at least, to Psychological Welfare Practitioners. Could you approach the school and ask if a referral for your GS might be possible?

Hildagard Thu 20-Jun-19 18:48:15

Jane, he is being monitored by SS and school, but the different levels have to be ticked off as they escalate, bureaucracy, before anything will be done

GabriellaG54 Thu 20-Jun-19 19:01:55

Woah! With respect, it seems out of order to ecpect you and your DH tp do the job she should be doing.
You can be sure that it would escalate and your own her would suffer.
We love our children but don't always like them so don't be afraid to politely but firmly decline to be any part of it unless it's (in your eyes) a real emergency.
2 children is no big thing and your DD needs to have a firm attitude with her son and step up to the plate.
SS needs to decide, with yoyr daughter, on a plan to get your DGS back in school and help with his behaviour together with your DD.
She cannot abdicate responsibility as she is his mother, therefore she makes and implements the rules.
I hope you stick to your guns and tell her that love isn't all about doing tbings fir her thst she should be doing herself. That would be enabling her to offload her mothering duties onto you which could make you resentful and impact your health.
Lots of good wishes and stay strong. flowers

GabriellaG54 Thu 20-Jun-19 19:04:27

Oops!
ecpect/tp/her
expect/to/health

Iam64 Thu 20-Jun-19 19:13:43

Its so hard for grandparents when their adult children are unable or unwilling to provide what is called 'good enough' care for their own children.
A child in need meeting is to focus on identifying the needs of the children and how best they can be met. The fact this has happened suggests significant concerns exist and its hoped that by supporting the children whilst they stay with their mother, it won't escalate to child safeguarding or statutory care proceedings.
The sad reality is that support services like family aids, family centres are pretty much non existent because of the austerity agenda. The same goes for what used to be called educational psychological support. Nigh on impossible to get an ed psych assessment.
Child and Adolescent Mental Health services are also slashed to the bone. If the children have a social workers, it isn't unusual for mental health services to try to avoid involvement, by saying it's social problems rather than mental health. We all know that's daft. That ' social problems' cause mental health problems.

If you feel unable to help, it would be better to say so. My worry isn't that they'll write you into the Child in Need Plan, more that they'll write you out. The worries may escalate and if the children need to be removed from their mother, your lack of support during the build up to that may be seen negatively. I'm sorry to be so negative

janeainsworth Thu 20-Jun-19 19:45:56

Iam I don’t want to sound as though I support the government or anything wink but actually some investment has been made in Child & adolescent mental health services. It’s not all bad.
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/12/03/army-therapists-sent-schools-tackle-anxiety-epidemic/amp/
My DD has trained as a PWP & she deals with far more than anxiety among school children. She works for the NHS but is based in a school.
That’s why I thought Hildagard might be able to get a referral but I do know that not all areas provide the service.

Elvive Thu 20-Jun-19 19:55:04

What a sad state of affairs. Little children with anxiety.

janeainsworth Thu 20-Jun-19 19:57:27

I think children have always suffered anxiety elvive though perhaps for different reasons in the past. It just wasn’t talked about.
I think it’s good that it’s recognised and that they have at least some access to support.

Hildagard Thu 20-Jun-19 20:05:54

I have just researched re Child and Adolescents Mental Health and it says that a referral can be requested by school or SS why have they not done this, I really feel now that they have these meetings and then think it will all be resolved . Feeling even more frustrated

Iam64 Thu 20-Jun-19 20:12:38

Thanks janeainsworth and apologies for sounds so doomed. I did hear this week that Theresa May had made money available for this. Good for her.

Hildagard, I hope you can persuade school or social worker to make that referral. Your original post suggested they were rationing referrals in the face of limited resources. Let's hope you get somewhere

Elvive Thu 20-Jun-19 20:16:34

Yesjanea, that could be said about a lot of things....are there more of them or are we just better at spotting the signs?

It's strange isn't it? God when I think back to my Primary school , it would be termed abusive by today's standards.

Hilda, stating the obvious, put absolutely everything in writing.

Hildagard Thu 20-Jun-19 20:20:49

I have just composed a long text to DD saying how we feel, will I have the courage to send it, I don’t know.

Elvive Thu 20-Jun-19 20:21:52

is text the way, I wonder?

Hildagard Thu 20-Jun-19 20:39:03

She shouts me down when we try to talk, not a good relationship really.

janeainsworth Thu 20-Jun-19 20:53:50

Hilda.don’t send anything in haste.
A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself how you would feel, or how it would sound, if read out in a court of law.
That’s not meant to frighten you, it’s just a good standard to apply to any written communication.
Even posts on Gransnet!

Hildagard Thu 20-Jun-19 21:22:48

Jane, don’t worry I have written in love no hand which helped to calm me, a bit👍

Hildagard Thu 20-Jun-19 21:39:13

Long hand !

HildaW Thu 20-Jun-19 22:17:00

Try a proper letter. Write it all out, leave it over night. Read it again in the morning and if you feel it realistically reflects how you feel and it says what you want to say...then put it in the post.
Unfortunately in the present political climate if professionals feel they can pass the job back to family members they will. Its the same with elderly care....if the family take up the slack then they can move on. If you feel you cannot cope, do not be bullied into doing more than you can. Good luck.

loopyloo Fri 21-Jun-19 00:36:54

So this is a single mum with 2 children who works 3 hours a day. When does she have time for herself? I expect the spare time is used catching up on chores. Also she has no one to share the responsibility of the children and just chat to in the evening. I think looking after the children one evening a week so she could go to Yoga or something like that would be a great help. Should think she has very low self esteem and knows DM is very critical of her.
Not easy.