Gransnet forums

Chat

Would you try to find your Long Lost Family?

(76 Posts)
b1zzle Thu 27-Jun-19 12:57:27

I was a foundling, then adopted at six months but in a moment of bravado/madness, I filled in the online form for this programme a few weeks ago. I probably don't have any living birth parents now, but with no blood family of my own, I'd love to know if there's someone out there I'm related to. Anyone got any helpful/encouraging thoughts (or otherwise)?

Nannylovesshopping Thu 27-Jun-19 13:04:16

I was adopted by parents who had no idea how to love and
bring up a child, I traced my birth father and mother who had apparently married on my second birthday and gone on to have three more children, my mother didn’t want me
at birth, and she did not want to know me at thirty.
I wanted her so much to love me, but she couldn’t, didn’t.
I hope your search brings you joy🙂

paddyann Thu 27-Jun-19 13:16:43

I dont know if you've heard of a country singer called Mary Gauthier ,she was a foundling too.She has written and recorded an album called Foundling which shares her experience.Its a stunning piece of work .Theres a line that breaks my heart when I hear it about her having nobody's name and nobody's face.She did find her birth mother but at the time of the album it wasn't working out ,her mother had kept her asecret and didn't want her "family" to know.I think its different if a programme is involved as she contacted the BM herself .Good luck with your search,I hope it works out for you ,everyone deserves to know where they've come from .

Septimia Thu 27-Jun-19 14:28:57

If you don't try, you'll always wonder.
Perhaps it's best to approach it with no expectations and then you're open to being pleased by any small success.
Good Luck!

Gonegirl Thu 27-Jun-19 14:32:37

Answer to the original question - Maybe. If I knew who they are.

But if it's the dna thingie you are talking about, I won't bother. It might come up with a l5th cousin twice removed, but who cares anyway? I loved the family I did have.

Gonegirl Thu 27-Jun-19 14:34:43

It was only the father side I knew/know nothing much about.
I'm sad I had another granny who didn't know me. But I had a lovely granny who did.

sodapop Thu 27-Jun-19 16:06:53

If you feel the need to trace your family blzzle then go for it. Don't have any unrealistic expectations though, for most of us its nothing like the TV show. I've been there and done that. I wish you luck.

Maggiemaybe Thu 27-Jun-19 16:22:48

who cares anyway?

Well obviously the OP does, not knowing one person in this world who’s related to her. If that didn’t matter to her, she wouldn’t be asking for our views/advice.

I can’t imagine what this must be like, and really hope it goes well for you, bizzle. thanks

Missfoodlove Thu 27-Jun-19 16:41:17

My husband has adopted when he was just a few weeks old. He had a very wonderful adoption
He was reunited with his birth mother a fewyears ago as the law changed to allow birthparents to trace their adopted children.
My husband and his mother were two of the first people in the UK to be reunited under this new law.
It really was a fairytale in the beginning, his mother went on to marry his father and there were half siblings on his father‘s side.
My husband loved being able to look at photographs of his father and see how he had inherited so many of his features, we got to know his mother very well before she died, the siblings were really not interested and I understand that.
There were some downsides and it’s not fair for me to put these on a public forum but on the whole it was good.
It was a shame my husband‘s father died before the law change would’ve allowed them to meet
His mother died having spent many happy times with her son.
We as a family now understand so much about why my husband is the way he is why our children are the way they are I think that there is a very strong case for nature over nurture

Gonegirl Thu 27-Jun-19 16:44:01

Oh I'm very sorry Maggiemaybe. I didn't know I had to run my posts past you first. hmm

BlueBelle Thu 27-Jun-19 17:14:40

I know I would want to know but I think as others have said be prepared for them not wanting to know then if they do it will be a bonus
My first boyfriend was adopted and asked me to go with him to visit his mother who he had found out live about 50 miles away this was in the 60 s we did go and visit her it didn’t go too well and he found out he was the result of prostitution he was disappointed but got over it and did find a half sister By coincidence my eldest daughters first boyfriend was also adopted having been left on the local church steps he was adamant he never wanted to find his birth family and never ever looked
Everyone’s different

Grannyknot Thu 27-Jun-19 17:40:00

b1zz1le I wish you all the best with your search for family members.

I read a fascinating book a while ago, picked it up in the library. The author had found her birth mother, but the mother had not disclosed (and did not want to) this daughter to her husband and family. As a result, for many years, the author of the book was put in a position where she felt as if she was having an affair with her mother - in fact that is the title of the book:

www.amazon.co.uk/Affair-My-Mother-Adoption-Secrecy-ebook/dp/B014VP0COI?tag=gransnetforum-21

Maggiemaybe Fri 28-Jun-19 00:05:41

Well I know you like to run posts past GNHQ, Gonegirl, so I won’t tell you what I think of your comment.

Willow500 Fri 28-Jun-19 07:01:08

I was lucky enough to have good parents and know their siblings and their families but my mother never knew her father - the result of a relationship between her mother and a married man after her husband was killed during WW1 (she hadn't known he was married). Only her older sister knew who this man was and never told anyone and I've often thought I must have family members out there somewhere I'll never know. If you have the opportunity for the program to trace your family I would take it - it may not work out but if you don't try you'll never know and will forever wonder. Good luck - please update us if you progress further.

DanniRae Fri 28-Jun-19 07:06:35

Good Luck blzzle - I hope your search has a happy ending smile

Grammaretto Fri 28-Jun-19 07:29:59

I think you should see what you can discover.
I have been tracing my ancestors off and on for 40yrs and on the way have met some new friends including a distant cousin in Australia who shares my strange obsession.
Both my nephews, who are adopted, have traced their birth mothers. I believe they found some satisfaction and one still keeps up with a half sibling.
I would go for it blzzle good luck!

grandma60 Fri 28-Jun-19 07:39:36

Willow500 I was interested to read your post. Without going in to details on here, I have similar circumstances in my family. Now my daughter has developed health issues that often run in families and it has occurred to me that medical information I have given over the years (anti natal checks etc) is probably inaccurate.

Anja Fri 28-Jun-19 08:23:52

Don’t knock DNA Gonegirl mine threw up an interesting match. It turned out her mother and mine were half sisters.

BradfordLass72 Fri 28-Jun-19 08:46:17

My best friend decided, when her beloved adoptive mother died, to find her birth mother.

She has subsequently gained a whole, loving family of half-sisters and their offspring.

The mother though was cool and didn't really take to her first daughter popping up. Her 2nd husband has loved her from the first. He's a great character, 90 and still droving.

Another friend asked me to trace her husband's family as he had no knowledge of his background other than that his father brought him from England to NZ as a 4 year old after his mother died.
He was now almost 40. His father was dead.

I found his Mum in the UK, she wasn't dead and I asked him if he wanted to continue but my rule was, if she doesn't want contact, you have to accept that.

She broke down when I phoned her and told me her little boy had been snatched by her husband and she'd never known where he was. She had often tried to locate him but it had never occurred to her he was overseas.

She'd married again and had 3 children and they flew out to NZ for a reunion. It was a very happy meeting but of course they had to go back and now keep in touch via technology.

So two positives.
Best of luck b1zzle I hope it works out as well for you.

MawBroonsback Fri 28-Jun-19 08:50:04

Bizzle - my half brother and I “discovered” each other just 5 years ago after his (other) half sister in Australia did some family tree research.
He was adopted at birth and our mutual father I think possibly never even knew of his birth mother’s pregnancy, let alone his birth. (It was a wartime fling in London where my father was posted shortly before being sent abroad. )
Who knows?
With nearly 70 years of different life experience there was very little initial “connection” but he is a thoroughly nice man and we are growing very fond of each other. Plus I have a brother for the first time in my life!
I would say go for it, but don’t pin your hopes on an emotional reunion of the type we see on “Long Lost Family”. Relationships can take a lifetime to form but then again, there may be family traits you recognise immediately. If you are curious, (and you are) you will never be satisfied if you do not give this a go.
Good luck with your search, I sincerely hope it enriches your life.

edsnana Fri 28-Jun-19 09:40:24

b1zzle our nephew was adopted at birth but traced us a few years ago. His mother, my sister in law, is cold and unwelcoming towards him and his family, with unrealistic expectations of them. We, however, adore him and his family, he keeps in regular contact with us and is especially close to his cousins. Good luck!

Aepgirl Fri 28-Jun-19 09:40:37

If you are determined to find somebody who is related to you, then go for it. I don’t have any experience as I was brought up by my loving family, but I think anybody who abandons a baby must be absolutely desperate, so it’s important that their feelings are also considered. I hope it works out well for you.

Urmstongran Fri 28-Jun-19 09:42:32

Heartbreaking for you to be rejected a second time Nannylovesshopping

henetha Fri 28-Jun-19 09:48:24

I was adopted, and at the age of 16 I went looking for my biological mother, - I had some clues - and I found her.
We were great friends until she eventually died.

b1zzle Fri 28-Jun-19 09:54:58

Thank you so much for all your kind and encouraging words. I am going into this with neither hope nor expectation, but if anything should come of it, I will definitely let you know.