Gransnet forums


Incompatible friends

(34 Posts)
watermeadow Thu 18-Jul-19 16:30:27

An old friend wants to come and visit. We meet rarely as far apart but also because our lifestyles are poles apart.
Friend lives in a big city and has a busy political and social life. I live in a small country town where nothing ever happens.
The worst thing is that she never goes to bed before 1am, hours after my bedtime and I wake up at 5ish.
So should I stay up with her, and feel like a zombie all day, or expect her to stick to my times? Last time I stayed with her we didn’t get to bed until 3.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Thu 18-Jul-19 16:35:28

Could you say, "We keep early hours in the countryside," and see how she responds?
Maybe add, "Life is very much quieter here."

NannyJan53 Thu 18-Jul-19 16:35:50

Your house, your rules! If I stayed at friends house, I would fit in with their timetable,.

Esther1 Thu 18-Jul-19 16:37:34

Just compromise a bit and meet in the middle.

Sara65 Thu 18-Jul-19 16:42:34

Goodness, if I’m awake at 9.00pm I’m doing well, I couldn’t do it

annep1 Thu 18-Jul-19 16:43:28

I'm afraid I would have to go to bed early. Just explain you can't stay up late and that you will be quiet in the morning so as not to disturb her. Hopefully she will take the hint and be quiet for you.

fizzers Thu 18-Jul-19 16:44:41

There's no reason why you should stay up with her, am sure a compromise could be reached, and she could stay up on her own!

TerriBull Thu 18-Jul-19 17:08:35

I'd say "I tend to go to bed at this time because that's what suits me, but please don't feel you have to follow suit, just follow your normal routine, sorry I can't keep late hours any more" We've had friends to stay in the past and once when we had a full on day with an early start, late afternoon my friend said "would you mind if I had a couple of hours sleep", before we go out tonight, it certainly wasn't a problem to me.

sodapop Thu 18-Jul-19 20:42:36

That sounds just about right Terribull leaves options for the visitor.

Happychops Thu 18-Jul-19 21:22:11

When people stay at mine, I do tell them that I’m an early to bed person and that I need my sleep. They always just carry on doing what they would normally do at home. Watch tv have a glass of wine. Whatever suits them, and no one has ever taken offence.
When I stay with others, I tell them the same and ask if it would offend them if I went to bed early, and in all honesty, I have never had anyone feel offended. Proof of this is that they ask me back .☺️

Grammaretto Thu 18-Jul-19 21:37:54

We've just had my American cousin staying who was definitely not tuned into our time zone. DH just falls asleep on the sofa so there's a hint!
I try to stay awake but she comes alive about midnight.
Then in the morning she's been appearing at 10am. I love her to bits but now she's gone..... I may just turn in now.
If it's a true friend you can tell her.

MawBroonsback Thu 18-Jul-19 21:42:18

My godfather’s mother with whom he shared his house was a formidable but very gracious lady and apparently the first time my parents stayed there, she yawned and said “Well I’m off to bed” and then turned to my mother and added “After you, my dear!”
Mum had no option but to retire !

annep1 Thu 18-Jul-19 22:16:55

MawBroonssback grin

BradfordLass72 Fri 19-Jul-19 08:05:31

Unless you think she'll pinch your silver and flog it to fund her social life, just show her where you keep coffee, tea and snacks and go to bed.

You will have ample time to talk all day, without having to do it half the night as well.

GabriellaG54 Fri 19-Jul-19 08:48:53

You could say (in a smiley way) that 'Since you were last here I've somewhat changed my habits and now prefer to go to bed at 10pm and get up early as I feel crotchety and out of sorts going to bed later'.
Say that she's very welcome to visit as long as she is ok with you leaving her to her own devices after
Do be open and clear about it before she arrives, that way, she accepts that you will not be keeping her company after that time.
At about 9.50pm start gathering your things.. book, phone etc. and wish her goodnight.
It certainly won't be rude to leave her if she's well aware of your routine beforehand.

Urmstongran Fri 19-Jul-19 08:54:45

Love that story Maw - nothing like being direct eh?!

TerriBull Fri 19-Jul-19 09:00:10

watermeadow, I'm sure your friend isn't anything like the late Princess Margaret who made everyone in her company sit up with her into the next day, that would be just too imperious grin I'm sure your friend will understand, as indeed most of us do, that not everyone is on the same time frame and some people just cannot stay awake into the small hours we don't all have the same physical constitution for various reasons.

We've sometimes gone to bed before guests, they keep coming back so clearly not a problem, it isn't rude imo you just pose it diplomatically and I'm sure she'll understand. From your original post it's seems she's the one that's asked if she could stay with you not the other way round, so really I wouldn't worry stick to your routine.

dragonfly46 Fri 19-Jul-19 09:00:52

My parents had underfloor heating and when my dad wanted guests to go he would bring in his pyjamas and put them on the floor to warm!

Hawelka Fri 19-Jul-19 09:59:44

Go to bed at a reasonable hour. Maybe extend your ‘normal’ time by half an hour max. No point in missing out on your next day and feeling the worse for wear.
Try it. You’ll feel good!

hicaz46 Fri 19-Jul-19 10:06:51

I’m always later to bed than my partner and others who may visit, or who I might visit (usually after 12.30am). I never have a problem as I’m happy to stay up on my own and watch TV or read and then I’ll creep up to bed quietly.

Gagagran Fri 19-Jul-19 10:23:36

dragonfly46 that reminded me of my Dad who used to get up and put the milk bottles out ready for the milk delivery next day. That was a signal that it was time for bed/or to go home for visitors!

Kim19 Fri 19-Jul-19 10:28:13

I'm very much in the 'do your own thing' bracket. If these are friends being accommodated then I see no problem whatsoever. It's always worked in my life so far and, as others have said, they keep coming back (thank goodness).

polnan Fri 19-Jul-19 10:28:57

Friendship to me is being open and honest with one another, bearing in mind not to inflict my views on them

so I would explain how I live and expect them to co-operate, if not, surely not a good visit! and not to be had

Abuelana Fri 19-Jul-19 10:29:45

I have this all the time with visitors in Spain.
So I frame it up at the beginning of any stay and say I’m an early to bed person so please don’t take offence if I excuse myself earlier than you. You’re welcome to watch TV or listen to music.... or just relax. I’m a xx hour a night sleep otherwise I’m hell !!

crazyH Fri 19-Jul-19 10:39:10

What's the big deal? My friend has just left after about 2 weeks stay with me. I spent the whole day driving her around, sight seeing. So by the end of each day I was shattered, so was she I guess. By 10pm, we would both go up to our bedrooms and did our own thing. Playing on our iPads, phoning friends and generally, giving each other some space. It suited us fine and I think she enjoyed her stay and vice versa.