Any advice about my mum

Apologies for such bad spelling ie sole instead of soul and poor grammar. Baby brain and lack of sleep shall be my excuse ?

Confused, At one time I'd like quite to have had what your own mother wanted which was all to live together in one big house. I guess if I had suggested that to a son and his wife they would have explained why they preferred not to.

I'd have understood. Can your own mother not understand a simple explanation? Or does she think she should always get her own way?

It looks as if you are going to have to be more mature than your mother now and deal with her as if she is not as mature as you are. She no longer has authority over you.

Look...yes, you are going on a bit and part of your post is somewhat muddled but you're getting yourself in a bit of a muck-sweat regarding your parents.
Calm right down.
You are never going to get to the underlying reason behind their antagonistic attitude towards your partner so set that aside.

No-one knows what actions your partner (or anyone else) might take in the future so that's a dead subject.

Yes...there can be legal complications to being unmarried with children but these can usually be resolved, however, I think your parents have Brexit in mind and, if your OH is from the ROI, that might well be the reason behind their concern.

It's best not to be drawn on the subject of passports etc. Just be polite and smile and decline to discuss it.
Please don't argue as it may cause a rift that will never heal.
It's your life and only you know your parents and their attitudes.
My advice would be not to.raise your voice, no matter what your parents say.
Just agree to think about their objections (but obviously you can ignore them)

Why not marry in a low key wedding?.
That piece of paper would be best in the long run and might save future heartache.

I send best wishes for a happy outcome.

Marriage vows have different wordings but explicitly said in some and worded differently in others, is the phrase '^forsaking all others^ and 'man and wife become 1'.

You may not have gone through a marriage ceremony but the length of your partnership and the existence of children means, de facto, you are married.

The marriage service was always very clear that when you married the link between parent and child is severed and that your main responsibilities are to each other, and your parents detailed responsibility and control of your life ends.

The problem is that your parents are not fulfilling their part of the bargain. They are still treating you as if you were their child in whose life they can continue to interfere on a daily basis. Any parent who says as your mother did that she did not want the father's name on the birth cirtificate and the children to bear his name is so way way way over any line, that you should have called her out then and there, not forgiven her.

As for your father asking now 12? 15? years into your partnership 'Did you think he (the grandfather) would let anyone take his grandchildren' leaves me speechless. What on earth is he talking about? Does he see your partner's family trying to run off with them, does he think your partner is about to leave you? Children have 2 biological parents, doesyour father think he has some right over the children that your partner does not? Your father has absolutely no right to make any suggestion such as he made. He is as far over any acceptable boundary as his wife.

There is no question of being estranged from your parents or your parents not seeing the grandchildren or of you not loving your parents. It is the simple fact that when you and your partner formed your partnership, from which you have children, your parents should have taken a step back and accepted that you were now living a life where your first responsibility was to your partner and children and that in their dealings with you they had to deal de facto with the whole household, not you as an independent person on your own.

What you have got to do is make sure your parents understand where the boundaries are in their relationship with your partner and children. make clear that you and your family are as valid a family unit as any couple who have married. That they have no right to question any decisions you and your partner make about your family and they are not to say anything to you that explicitly or implicitly criticises your partner, casts doubts on his commitment to you and his family, or suggests that he or any member of his family wishes to do anything to undermine your family unit.

You can best choose how to do this, face to face with your partner or in a joint letter. Assure them of your love and talk about how much your children love their grandparents and enjoy being with them and then make absolutely clear where the boundaries are in your family's relationship with them and make it clear you will not accept any unwarranted interference in your joint lives or any suggestions that your partner and his family are untrustworthy.

If they do offend then both of you together should confront them with their accusations and ask them to justify them.

Confused2019, I endorse Gabriella's very practical and do-able advice.

You are doing the same sort of heart-searching I had to do 50 years ago when I married into a lovely Irish family.

My in-laws were so kind and generous in a way my parents could not be. I loved them and they me.

My Mum didn't try to change, even though she almost lost her grand-children with her attitude, because she would never admit she was doing anything wrong.

Dad's loyalty to her meant she had confirmation of her actions, so of course she just got worse.

Like your Mum, mine even wanted me to call my boys by my maiden name, not the typically Irish surname I wanted for me and our sons.

For far too long I went along trying to pacify and please her, feeling horribly guilty and to blame (as she implied I was) for the disputes between us. Now of course I can see where the real blame lay.

It may have continued forever, just getting worse and worse but my Dad died. Mum not only lost her partner of 30 years but her audience and 'enabler'.

My sister was only interested in Mum's bank account, so visited only when she wanted money.
Mum had just one friend and that by default: the wife of Dad's old army buddy. So it wasn't long before they had no reason to visit her either.

I was the only one left.
It took a long, long tim and Mum and I were never chums but I learned to see that making me feel bad was her little power trip (we all have them in one way or another).
That the bigotry was actually fear and she genuinely loved her grandsons.

With no audience to play up to and agree with her, she softened a little - and of course I was all she had.

But I came to see also, that if Dad had not died, she would have continued to rule the roost and be unpleasant until my boys refused to have anything to do with her. Then I would have been blamed for keeping them away.

So I understand your position and my only advice to you Confused2019 is to try and see now that it is not you but her at fault - that you will never, ever do everything right for your Mum, however hard you try.

You can cause yourself so much distress by taking the blame and thinking you can change her by your actions - it will never happen. Accept that and you will be much happier.

Your mother and mine were cut from the same cloth - I only wish I had refused to feel guilty from the outset.

It might have saved me a lot of heartache and tears - the kind you are now going through.

Confused, my mother never, ever, liked her dil and she had 4 of them. She was also interfering with all of us in family matters. Controlling springs to mind.

The way I coped with her was to ignore all her comments and advice, I just use to hang up on her and walk away when she started. I really didn't like her at all.

You are a an adult and a family, you don't have to answer to your parents or justify yourself for your actions. You need to stop thinking about what has happened and start afresh Make some family rules that you will not discuss your family matters with your parents, you will not allow your parents to criticise your partner, and take control.
As for the Irish Passport, get one it will give your children a great many opportunities in the future.