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Bedroom Dilemma

(52 Posts)
Lyndylou Sun 25-Aug-19 11:25:20

My OH moved into my house with me 15 years ago. I found it difficult to share a bedroom again after 5 years alone and soon settled in a spare room (his snoring had a lot to do with that decision!).

Since then I have redecorated the room I sleep in and the other spare bedroom and it is really time to redecorate his room. I have been working full time this year and he has only been working a few hours a week for his old firm so he has been left to his own devices and has started a new hobby, repairing items.

I knew he never put clean clothes away, just piled them on a chest, but I thought that was laziness, now I find his chests of drawers full of tools and bits of metal to do with his hobby. I wanted to replace these drawers with new ones, he can't see the point of doing that, but they were second hand 30 years ago and are past their best.

So my dilemma is do I insist tools are kept in the shed, that a bedroom is just that or do I accept it is his room and up to him what is kept in it? My thought at the moment is something like toy storage boxes in the wardrobe for tools etc but I know that will just grow and grow until there is stuff everywhere again and the shed is already packed with stuff.

Although this is lighthearted in that we will find a compromise, it is also a real issue because he never seems to know when to stop collecting things.

Fiachna56 Sun 25-Aug-19 11:49:06

I would try talking to him and say you would really like to decorate the room. Ask what he thinks in getting some storage boxes for his tools. I don't know if he has a table in the bedroom that he works on? Could suggest a table and storage boxes and suggest to him that the wardrobe be kept for clothes only.

Granny42 Sun 25-Aug-19 11:57:43

I would talk to him to see what he wants, but i think it sounds as though you are fighting a loosing battle!!

FarNorth Sun 25-Aug-19 12:07:58

You both need to decide if his bedroom doubles as a workshop or not.
Are his tools in the chest of drawers as the only available space, or because he likes it that way?
Tidying the tools away too much could discourage him from doing his hobby.

Best of luck.

jura2 Sun 25-Aug-19 12:12:18

well it is his bedroom- so I say his choice.

nanasam Sun 25-Aug-19 12:19:02

I think I’d just let him get on with his own ways. It’s his room so you don’t have to live in it! Reminds me of DS when he was at home. I hardly ever went in his room, just put clean linen outside the door when the bed needed changing. If he wanted to live in a slum that was up to him. I had to laugh, though, when he bought his first house, we had to take our shoes off before we went in onto his new wooden floor!

sodapop Sun 25-Aug-19 12:19:30

I know what you mean about storage boxes Lyndylou they will just multiply and spread.
I am a clearer outer, nothing saved or hoarded. Unfortunately my husband then takes all my discarded stuff and hoards it in the barns. We currently have three barns full of
crap stuff which may come in useful. I would store his clothes elsewhere and let him use the chest of drawers for his tools.

sodapop Sun 25-Aug-19 12:44:30

Must admit I wasn't sure what I was going to read when I saw the title of your post
Lyndylou grin

janeainsworth Sun 25-Aug-19 12:51:09

I’d be a bit annoyed if MrA moved out of our bedroom and then started to tell me what I could and couldn’t keep in it!

Lyndylou Sun 25-Aug-19 13:36:23

Some interesting comments thank you. Believe me sodapop if we had 3 barns I have every confidence in his ability to fill them up!

We have just spent an hour in the bedroom having a meaningful discussion around one wardrobe, had a bit of a clear out of old shoes etc to make some more space for him so that is a very small start.

I really don't want to be laying down the law about what he keeps in that room, but neither do I want to pay out for new chests of drawers to keep tools and metal cylinders in.

The other point is that the room desperately needs a good clean. The dog and cat sleep in there and the carpet needs a shampoo and I can not get to it for stuff everywhere. I have never known him clean in there, it has always been left to me and recently that has consisted of me leaving post its saying "Change your bed" every few weeks or he would never even think of that. I am getting older, I want to streamline so cleaning is a simple task not a battle.

jura2 Sun 25-Aug-19 13:38:30

stop cleaning it ...not your job!

Grannybags Sun 25-Aug-19 13:46:37

I agree with jura

My husband and I have separate rooms and he does what he wants in his and vice versa, including cleaning and changing beds. He also cleans the en suite which is with his bedroom

grandtanteJE65 Sun 25-Aug-19 13:47:03

You sleep in separate rooms, so what he keeps in his and where he keeps it is surely his affair.

Say you would like to redecorate the room if you really want to, but let him keep the furniture he likes.

As long as the room is clean whether it is tidy or not doesn't matter a jot. Close the door when you expect visitors, or if they are rude enough to comment, smile and say, "Yes, well, it's his room and he finds untidiness cosy."

But as his room is not very clean, tell him it has to be cleaned once a week, fortnight or whatever and that the day before he needs to move everything off the floor and bed. That's what my mother insisted on when we were children.

grandtanteJE65 Sun 25-Aug-19 13:49:17

My son's the same, Nanasam, and we nearly wet ourselves laughing the first time we heard him chivvying his girlfriend and her son out of the house to catch a train.

He had absolutely no sense of time when he lived at home.

Stella14 Sun 25-Aug-19 13:51:24

I’m with those who say, his room, his choice! I wouldn’t be inclined to decorate. Let him do what he wants to do with it. I wouldn’t go in there though - no point in pushing your buttons!

Barmeyoldbat Sun 25-Aug-19 14:23:04

Difficult one this when I have a bedroom full of sewing stuff. On the other hand my son at 15 use to do the same with his bedroom, keeping tools and things he had collected to repair. His room at the time had no carpet and was waiting to being decorated so I just put up with soldering iron. Anyway at about 17 he suddenly got grumpy about his room and moaning it had no carpet. When I told him why he then sorted it out by putting everything in the shed.

But your husband is not a teenager. So I would just leave it but maybe just point out the need to keep the house looking good as it gets harder when you are older.

Lyndylou Sun 25-Aug-19 15:31:30

Yes barmeyoldbat I was just going to point out that OH is 71 not 17! He is not going to suddenly find a desire to keep things clean, it is not and never has been in his nature. I know because I helped him clear out years of rubbish from his flat before he moved in with me. I bet your sewing stuff is clean and tidy though, not covered in 6 months dust like the surfaces in his room and the items on them. I bet you don't also take labels of new socks/clothing and leave the labels and the old socks/stuff on the floor and just walk over them ignoring the empty waste bin.

I appreciate what everyone is saying but I love the house and that room is a favourite part of it for me, I can't just turn my back on the mess, I have done that for the past 6 months and now it needs sorting. Believe me I am not a dedicated house keeper at all, it has just gone past the point where even I can ignore it.

I am trying to find a compromise, I thought tools etc in the clothes drawers was a step too far, maybe I am going to have to live with that, but the room needs to be redecorated and made easier for cleaning who ever ends up doing that!

sodapop Sun 25-Aug-19 17:40:47

All is not lost Lyndylou my husband has just spent the afternoon clearing one of the barns. I showed it to some friends yesterday and had a moan so think it hit home.
Several tip trips needed tomorrow.
I think you probably need to compromise somewhere, but don't give up.

BlueBelle Sun 25-Aug-19 17:46:56

Definitely let him have what’s he wants if it’s own room as long as it doesn’t spill over and there’s a door on it that you can shut tight his room his shxx but the door must stay tightly shut

quizqueen Sun 25-Aug-19 17:55:00

As it's your house, I hope you have the best and largest bedroom. If not, put him in the smallest spare room which has already been decorated, shut the door and never enter again. Let him live with all his tools on top of him if that what's he wants as space will be limited in there. Personally though, I would say tools have to be confined to the shed or garage so it's time for a tidy up in there to make room for them.

Cabbie21 Sun 25-Aug-19 17:55:55

You have my sympathies, OP.
My husband has the second largest bedroom for a study, the large garage for his Workshop, plus the shed. It is all rather a mess, but I can just ignore it. He never does any cleaning. Most of our rooms are so full of furniture and his collectibles / stuff that proper cleaning is impossible. I just clean whatever floors are visible and ignore the dust.
I can understand that you feel his room needs redecorating, but is it worth the hassle? I am not sure on what basis he is living with you ( sharing all expenses? All chores?) but it is your property and maintenance is important, so I guess some compromise is necessary. Probably no point in new furniture if it is just to be used for storing tools, but maybe this is something you could discuss?

Lyndylou Sun 25-Aug-19 18:12:32

Hi sodapop that is good news about one of the barns, yes it where I compromise that is the whole issue. Both very stubborn but we usually find a middle way eventually.

Bluebelle he won't have the door shut because the cat sleeps in there during the day and the dog likes to sit on the dressing table to look out of the window!! So every time I visit the bathroom I get to look straight in his room!

Quizqueen that is a definite idea to move him in the spare room, it might come to that. I absolutely agree tools should be in the shed but he says he needs a second shed - God knows where that would go - middle of the flowerbed I suspect!

annep1 Sun 25-Aug-19 18:50:43

It sounds like you gave your room up and moved into a smaller one. Why would you not have given him the spare room? Maybe do a swop now.

I too hate mess and untidiness. I have tried to get my husband to change and although he tries a little bit he doesn't really want to.
But he's so tidy and helpful in the areas we share. So in the end I decided what is the point in nagging him and making us both miserable. If you want to live with someone you do have to learn to compromise.
His bedroom and spare room for his music (while I have to make do with an art table in my bedroom. Why is it always the woman who draws the short straw??) are not dirty.
Thats the important thing. I just close the doors and try to ignore it. Best way.
But please don't increase storage space - he'll find something to fill it!

BradfordLass72 Mon 26-Aug-19 06:43:02

Oh heck, I was hoping for a lively discussion on quite different types of tools.

Willow500 Mon 26-Aug-19 07:22:42

Dilemma indeed. We have separate rooms but I always clean, change the beds etc in his room. It needs decorating too now as family are coming for Christmas and he will be moving to the small spare room for the duration - he's waiting for an op though so can't really do any heavy lifting at the moment so I'm not pushing it.

I did however recently see a possible compromise to your problem. Someone had taken one of those roller tool chests which was in silver (my husband's are red so wouldn't look as good) and put them in their hall with a nice wooden top on them - a sort of industrial look which worked well. Maybe you could try that?