Such a bad day - just a weepy heap

ann - please do not worry - your experiences are valuable knowledge for me. I hope that me posting about this has not brought too many unhappy memories to the surface for you. I have always found your support invaluable.

GabriellaG54 - it is not about whether there are bottomless pits; it is about the law placing firm obligations on both health authorities and SS, which they have no choice but to fulfil. I am fighting the fact that they try to wriggle out of it with delays and obstacles and frank lying - yes that has happened too.

I agree that the government has placed legal obligations on these authorities and then failed to adequately fund them - but that is in a sense not my problem. I just want to do the best for my OH and ensure he has the very best care I can find for him; and that I can find a way of funding this that does not leave me destitute.

GabriellaG54 - I am not talking about checks and balances but about illegal pronouncements - there have been more than a few of these!

So sorry gain strength from your family and take all the help you can get xx

By the way, someone upthread suggested that some counselling might help me to manage all this; just wanted to say that today I have been offered free counselling at the hospice. I am very lucky to have this.

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/201909/medium-655790-20190920-212629.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/201909/medium-342656-20190920-212654.jpg

These publications may be of interest to some of you who may need funding for relatives or people you know, in the future.

Thanks for these.

Last night was quite worrying as the carer was completely off beam - I was with her when she was getting him ready for bed and there were two occasions when he could have fallen if I had not been there. And she was calling us by the wrong names. I was really worried as i thought she might be drunk. I have had a night of worry as you can imagine.

But this morning she told me that she has had a message to say her mother in Zimbabwe is dying - I offered to release her from contract early so that she can go to her - but it seems she has booked her flight for next weekend and cannot change it as the deposit is non-refundable because it is a cheap airline. No wonder she is all over the place. I will make sure I am around during transfers. Poor lass.

Luckygirl I know you have made your plans now but as you have had a very generous offer of health with funding would you now consider getting a daycarer and a night Carer.
It would seem to solve many problems.
There would be more continuity with care, you would not have a live in situation.
You could get out more as it be the day carer sole job to be there with your H.
You would enjoy better sleep as once again that would be the night carers responsibility.
Your H would be overjoyed and you would have him with you all the time.
Believe me ,constant visiting is very tiring and can be upsetting.
Just a thought now that finance is not such a problem.

Help not health. Damn I-pad.

OH is not unhappy about going to the NH I am glad to say - he knows that the quality of care he is getting at home is greatly lacking, and remains so in spite of all my best efforts. He is stiff and weak and shaking and transferring him with the carer and the sort of equipment we have here is painful, frightening and very unsatisfactory.

I am hoping that when he is getting good professional care where they have the space, the kit and the expertise to do this properly will give him confidence. Every day is a worry for him; every move a misery. It is not about the number of carers; it is about him being beyond their caring abilities.

If it is not right for him then we will put something else together at home; but he is very much behind this decision; and the place has all 5 star ratings from relatives and those living there.

would you now consider getting a daycarer and a night Carer It would seem to solve many problems

There is a big problem with that Annsixty. As Lucky has found out, it's very difficult to find someone of good calibre with the required experience, that would be quadrupled with live-out day & night carers.

You would need at least two people to cover the 12 hour day shifts, and two for the 12 hour night shifts. You would also have the nightmare of organising rotas e.g. one carer does Monday to Thursday, another Friday to Sunday, same with night staff.

The advantage of not having living-in staff in a small house would be outweighed by the logistics and personnel (at least 4 of them)

Yes I didn’t think that through did I.
I hadn’t realised also, that Lucky’s H had come round to accept moving into a NH.
Trying as always to do the best for everyone.

It's sad but true Gabriella.

Hetty and annsixty and so many other posters have very sad and worrying stories regarding the care of the elderly and infirm. Such anxiety at a time when all you need is calm and a break from caring. I think they only echo what Luckygirl is having to face now her and OH's situation is so very difficult and exhausting, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Luckygirl I don't think anyone could blame you for getting shirty. Talk about meeting brick walls time and time again when a good and obvious answer to your worries is out there.

Things aren't getting any better, are they? It's an incredibly sad state of affairs.

Just had a long conversation with OH, picking a moment when he was with it. We are going to the NH tomorrow for him to pick his room. I have organised a wheelchair taxi and hope we can get there and back OK as he cannot sit in the wheelchair for very long without collapsing in a heap.

I was decidedly weepy during the conversation - but he was not. He really is very calm about it all - it is me who cannot cope. He can see that I am sinking under all the problems of care organisation, and he knows that he is not getting as good care as he could be, so he is hopeful that things will work out well.

So that is a relief - we just have to hope that all goes well. It is a very sad situation after 50 years together, but we will just have to try and make the best of it and make it work.

I can empathise lucky as I would hate to think of my dh moving to a nh! The thing is, that dh is fully capable. Your dh isn't and I think you will have more 'quality time tigether.

Thanks kittylester - I really am hoping that I will be able to spend some good times with him when I am not administering suppositories, fixing catheters, touting round for illusive carers, checking what they are doing to keep him safe etc. etc. I hope to go and sit with him in the afternoons and take my embroidery and have some peaceful time together.

The NH he is going to has lovely rooms, and there are no big lounges with people sitting round the edges - but little sitting rooms, a library, a bar, a cafe etc. Fingers crossed.

Hold that vision of peaceful times together Luckygirl as you deal with the practicalities of the move. Focus on the care he will be getting and the opportunity to spend time just being together while someone else deals with the stuff of getting you both through each day and night.

I always loved the lines by Gabriel Oak in Hardy's Far from the Madding Crowd which go something like, 'And whenever I look up there shall you be, and when you look up there shall I be... ' Fingers crossed for you both. xx

I’ll be thinking of you both tomorrow lucky, sending love.

I will be thinking about you and Mr Lucky tomorrow sending you positive thoughts. I really hope tomorrow is the start of a settled, peaceful and happier time for you. You both deserve this. (The embroidery (and tea)sounds a lovely idea!)

Thank you for the good luck wishes - we can only hope that it goes well today. I think he is mostly anxious about the wheelchair taxi; and we are trying to time his food to avoid little accidents on the journey!

Will be thinking of you and hoping things go smoothly. I fear your story will become my story, so have followed it with interest and concern for you. Please do let us know how things progress.

Thinking of you today Luckygirl, hope it all goes to plan.

Hope it goes well for you and your husband today Lucky.

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Sending all best wishes for your meeting today. ???

Oh Lucky- thinking of you two today. And all fingers and everything else crossed. a massive step in the right direction xxx