Feeling dismissed.

It's sounds wonderfully chaotic - my only grandchild lives 1000's of miles away, the other side of the planet, and I rattle around my clean and tidy house and would love chaos around me.You say you don't show your disapproval of your son taking over when he comes home - maybe he wants to spend time with his children. You could get a rota/timetable on who does what but as it is only a temporary arrangement then perhaps less said the better.

My son & DiL (no kids) stayed when they were waiting to move into their first non-rented home. The seller ( a single parent) had a nightmare moving into her new place so everything took more time than anyone bargained for.
It was a bit stressy for all of us but it wasn't forever (four months) and although there were some issues (my son just reverted back into kid being at home) I just hung on in there.
I really got to know my DiL better than before (she's fab) and we really bonded. When my son was being big kid again DiL & me just did a lot of mutual eye-rolling!
As for your son being tired after work, well, that's exactly the same for working mothers and no-one cuts them the same slack at all. I remember picking the kids up from after-school club, doing their tea, helping with homework, putting them to bed, washing up, making shopping lists and was often doing laundry at midnight.

I think you are doing a wonderful job, but it is bad that you are being taken for granted. Rather than you going out of your house to meet friends, it would be better if your daughter in law removed herself and the children for the occasional day to give you a breathing space. But how to get this through diplomatically I don't know.
I speak with some guilt as one who took absolutely for granted the child minding my parents did for me when I returned to work, although it was never in the weekends or holidays as grandparents seem to have to do nowadays. A friend said to me that I would be able to 'repay' by caring for my grandchildren in the same way, but regrettably I don't have grandchildren to expiate my guilt.

It's certainly not worth risking a row, as they will be moving in a couple of months, so in your place, I would not say anything about the fact that your son is working two jobs and still doing his share of looking after the children.

The clutter in your home is another matter. Not having small children about does mean that you get used to a tidier home, so having children in the house again does mean more mess and clutter.

You don't have to just accept this - you are at liberty to tidy up. Help a little less with the babies and tidy up instead. If your DIL comments, tell her honestly that in the years that have gone by since your children were small you have got into the habit of having a tidy home, and you find it depressing that there is so much lying around now, although you love having them all with you.

Thank you again for your encouraging advice you lovely gransnetters. My feelings of being dismissed springs from my DIL saying ‘no, it’s ok’ quite a lot when I offer to help her, say by preparing the childrens’ dinner or taking them out for a walk. I automatically clear up and clean all the time anyway not just to help her, but also because I can’t bear the mess. We both remain jolly and cheerful all the time, as does my lovely DH and DS. As so many of you have observed - it really isn’t for much longer. It will probably end up a total of 10 months staying. I am truly blessed compared to so many grandmothers and I have taken all your comments on board - there has been so much good advice and I will certainly follow through by giving myself some space and keep biting my tongue. We do all have a super relationship and it would be awful for me to put a damper on it. I am feeling much more positive and upbeat now. I shall get my Marigolds on with a quiet knowing smile from now on. Thank you everyone.

My mum came up to collect our second child when I had to go into hospital for 6 weeks while DH's mum came up to look after DD while DH went to work..... My mum lost the job she loved looking after the baby for us during that time. It was only looking back that I truly grasped what the two grandmas' had done for us....

"My feelings of being dismissed springs from my DIL saying ‘no, it’s ok’ quite a lot when I offer to help her, say by preparing the childrens’ dinner or taking them out for a walk"

Dil is not being dismissive, she just wants to do some things herself and does not need help.

sharon62 my late husband also had COPD and lived with full-time oxygen therapy for his last couple of years. I was not aware of any change in background temperament, despite myriad medications. Keep in mind that your husband is likely VERY scared, always being breathless, always feeling you can't get enough air into your lungs, it must be (IS) very distressing. Also, just as he retired, expecting the world to opening up for him. he got a devastating, eventually terminal, diagnosis. He knows it won't get better, only worse. He might need some counselling, he's depressed, maybe? Who wouldn't be? Does he attend a Breathe Easy group? Some hospitals have them, under the auspices of the British Lung Foundation, if you contact the Foundation they'll help you. They'll teach breathing exercises and other useful things. Your husband should also be seeing a specialist nurse, at home, organised by your GP, he/she can give useful suggestions, keep an eye on developments and offer useful support and insights to you. Hope this helps a bit. Good luck!

Probably a bit late now as patterns are established but I dont think it would be unreasonable of you to ask her to clear the kids clutter up, how about ...."shall I start doing lunch for us all while you and the children do tidy up time?"

It could also be that you and your dil and son have different standards of cleanliness and clutter.

Her priority are her kids, a few dishes can wait a little bit longer than you are willing to.

Clutter can be toys they use daily and are not picked up till the evening when kids go to bed.

Usually, taking kids to park and prepping food for them are parents' tasks for gc.

Dil is being a mother, not doing this to hurt you

My son in law has a very high pressured job running his own company and goes out at 5.30 every morning .
On return he can't wait to take over playing and bathing and putting their 13 month old to bed . It's sheer pleasure for him.
In the meantime my daughter cooks the evening meal and they sit down together and enjoy. It's what's called being organised!!

I'm sure the OP found your post really supportive sR69

It's always difficult having people stay with you Esther1 even when they are family. We all have our routines and foibles at home and its hard to put them aside. I would do as Riggie suggests and include your daughter in law in the chores. Take time to enjoy the children though as they grow up so quickly. My grandchildren are all adults now, it doesn't seem possible.

I did this with my daughter last year. They bought a house which was going to be ready in 2 months so they sold their's and moved in with us. 6 months later they moved out and it was a blessed relief all round. I found it much easier than my DH to keep my mouth shut but after they moved out, I found out from my daughter that there were things about us they found difficult. She's not known for keeping her mouth shut so she did very well to keep it in until she was in her own home. I have to say that when she wanted to move back I was very nervous because she left home in high dudgeon and there were many years of upset on her part. It was nice to think that for 6 months we weren't all that bad!!!

Cannot encourage you enough to bite your tongue. You're doing an amazing job at the moment in very difficult circumstances and deserve a real pat on the back. Try to keep up with the smiles etc as you'll only regret it if you speak your mind - easy to say I know!!!

My feelings of being dismissed springs from my DIL saying ‘no, it’s ok’ quite a lot when I offer to help her, say by preparing the childrens’ dinner or taking them out for a walk.

To me, this sounds like she is trying not to put more stress on you. She likely knows how much of an imposition it is that she is at your house and doesn’t want you to have to do more work.

It could also be that she feels a lot of guilt, and wants to do everything herself.

I’m sorry that you were feeling dismissed, but to me it seems as though she is trying to be a good houseguest.

I really don't see why your son SHOULDN'T take over a bit after he's been at work; they're his children too. Your DIL has been working too - taking care of the children. Surely child-care is a shared activity? Being 'tired' after work will be something your DIL feels too! But yes, as others have said, go out as much as you can. Give them (and you) some space. And although you say you keep smiling and cheery and never criticise, I bet your DIL is getting the gist of it. Good luck - and it's not for long now.

I'm glad you're feeling more positive, Esther.

my DIL saying ‘no, it’s ok’ quite a lot when I offer to help her, say by preparing the childrens’ dinner or taking them out for a walk.

Those are things she does, as a mother.
She probably has a plan, in her head, of what she and her DC are going to do in the day.
Kindly suggestions to do things for her could actually feel quite disruptive.

I think you need to have a conversation with your DiL about how you can all fit together better, while they're staying with you.
Try not to criticise anything they are doing, tho, if you want them to feel welcome.

Personally I would want to talk about it, it may create an atmosphere no matter how hard you try to hide it. I wouldn't worry about your son after his jobs doing things for the kiddos, it's good bonding time for him and them. We all need to be appreciated, so I would just tell them that and see what they make of it. They might just surprise you

"Let's take the plates to the kitchen, Daddy has been working hard, he will need a rest when he gets home"

That's how I was brought up, to be helpful, What is going on that the children are such hard work?
Esther1 I think you owe it to yourself to keep your bedroom private and child free.. Put a bolt on the door.

Alexa,

That statement is wrong because it is chauvinist and highlights unfair and unrealistic gender roles

1. Daddy has a penis so by working outside the home, he has done his share - no, he also lives in the same home so he has the responsibility to clean up after himself
2. Assumes the mother, who has a vagina, doesn't work.
Sahm is the hardest and most thankless job in the world
3. It elevates dad to a higher position in the home where he doesn't have to do certain tasks as he is "tired" - a huge double standard

How many women work full time and still take care of their kids, homework, dinner, etc?

If a woman can do it, a man can do it too. Vaginas do not give magic power to do it all.

Magical power sorry

Exactly, Hithere

It’s so sad how easy it is for women to try to put other women “in their place”

Also, Alexa, that would be interfering in the way that the young family do things.

Farnorth,

You are right.

If that statement comes from anybody else but the wife, it is a very passive aggressive way of undermining their parenting and showing them that they are not raising their kids the right way.

Whoever , man or woman, works outside the home to put food on the table needs to be looked after by the home makers