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Rude guests. Or is it me?

(103 Posts)
Shizam Thu 10-Oct-19 23:15:58

Two separate friends invited themselves to my house this week, needing a place to stay on the same night. Just because of my house location. So me vacuuming, bed changing etc. Parking permits, wine given etc.
Neither gave any gesture in return, apart from thanks on WhatsApp. One went to Paris from here. Even a croissant might have been nice!
I always take something when invited somewhere. Even if just a pot of herbs. And they invited themselves!
Still feeling vexed about it! Next time, I will be mysteriously away....Or maybe I’m just being crabby.

Chestnut Thu 10-Oct-19 23:38:56

I love doing things for people but I do expect some kind of appreciation. I would most certainly show thanks to anyone doing things for me, and I expect the same in return. These people seem to have taken advantage of your location without showing any gratitude for your efforts and I would be unwilling to do the same for them next time. What goes round comes round!

cornergran Thu 10-Oct-19 23:55:34

We have friends who invite themselves here for a stop over on long journeys to see their family. I am intrinsically happy to see them but it does feel as if we’re running a B&B, especially when I get a complaint about the bed and an adverse comment about breakfast toast . hmm. We’ve been ‘away’ a couple of times, so if you’re crabby then so am I smile.

Shizam Fri 11-Oct-19 00:37:57

cornergran I gave up bed years ago to friends pre holiday trip. Partner and me slept on floor cushions in living room. Next day, complaints from guests about bed being too small! Do not know how I am still falling for this guest malarkey. Never again!

Grandma2213 Fri 11-Oct-19 02:19:19

When we were young we lived in a lovely part of the country and my dad's family who lived in the city would regularly invite themselves for holidays. We loved it because we had more days out, only local walks and picnics but we also often had cakes and jelly for tea or occasional ice creams. However I now realise how difficult it must have been for my mother to budget for the extra mouths to feed. We bunked up with cousins but my parents must have given up their beds too. I remember having to "do without" for weeks afterwards, living on bread and jam.

willa45 Fri 11-Oct-19 02:40:29

Shizan, you have good reasons to feel crabby! I too have had rude house guests on two or three occasions, so your post actually rekindled my own brand of 'crabbiness'.

These so called 'friends' are in fact opportunists. They repay hospitality with self serving demands and leave the guest accommodations in total disarray....They respond to kindness with abject indifference!

Well deserved if you do not allow them to enjoy your hospitality, ever again!

BradfordLass72 Fri 11-Oct-19 03:00:23

Don't be crabby, don't be resentful afterwards, don't be 'put upon' - just say no when you're asked or "friends" tell you (how rude is that for a start) they're coming.

Goodness knows at our age, it's easy to say we're not feeling up to guests at the moment.

When I read that it's happened repeatedly, I have to wonder why on earth you let it. confused Aren't you contributing to the problem?

If someone was hitting you, wouldn't you tell them to stop? Well, these people are abusing your hospitality and you - and shouldn't ever, ever be allowed to do it again.

Just say 'NO'.

Grammaretto Fri 11-Oct-19 08:11:15

We are in the process of making our guest room into a self contained bedsit so we can let it airbnb style. We may not ask for payment but we will tell any chancers that we are. grin
When we lived near the cross channel ferry we were very popular!

Missfoodlove Fri 11-Oct-19 08:44:19

We have some friends once spent a week as guests to our timeshare in the Lakes.
Not once did they help, offer to pay for anything or contribute in any way.
They are wealthy and childless through choice.
We ran around all week seeing to them and juggling our youngest two children who were with us.
It was never repeated.

Ellianne Fri 11-Oct-19 08:53:15

For me it's a trade off because I love seeing people and we get so much from friends' visits even though sometimes the catering is a chore. Most people take us out for a meal or supply the wine at home. One couple even walk the dog and do some gardening. The worst guest was MIL who just sat in the chair expecting everything, demanded to be taken out at our expense and yet never brought so much as a bunch of flowers or a bag of sweets for the grandkids. In addition she used to spill her cosmetics on the furniture, drop pills on the carpet and leave them and break door handles by tugging them. I used to seathe inside.

sodapop Fri 11-Oct-19 08:59:40

No it's not you Shizam I can't believe the cheek of some people, not only using you as a free stopover point, but then not to offer some token of appreciation. It's so rude and inconsiderate.
I would have no hesitation in saying 'no' if they were to ask again. You don't owe them any apology or explanation, its just not convenient .

Daisymae Fri 11-Oct-19 09:13:41

Don't blame you in the slightest. Have a list of excuses next time they try it on. Sometimes it's difficult when you are caught on the hop. Having said that, in your circumstances I would having no problem in just saying no and leave it at that.

grapefruitpip Fri 11-Oct-19 09:29:07

It's rude not to thank a host. It's just absolute basic manners.

How about saying " since you take me for granted and never thank me , I am unable to offer hospitality"

( advice from behind the keyboard, in hiding)

Ellianne Fri 11-Oct-19 09:31:20

But what you have to ask yourself is why are you vexed? Is it because you're out of pocket or because you don't have the time to rush about? I'm guessing its because you feel used but that's just the way some people are and I wouldn't want to lose friends over it.

KatyK Fri 11-Oct-19 09:34:21

Next time tell them it's not convenient. What a cheek.

Calendargirl Fri 11-Oct-19 09:53:16


You wouldn’t want to lose friends over it? Friends not worth having maybe?

Mapleleaf Fri 11-Oct-19 09:56:30

I think, Shizam, that if they invite themselves again, just say "no, it's not convenient". Don't give reasons or excuses, just say no. Their lack of appreciation is so rude.
No, I'm afraid next time they'll have to dig into their own pockets and pay for a B&B or hotel. Don't allow them to guilt trip you into backing down.

razzmatazz Fri 11-Oct-19 09:59:07

So rude! I agree with Mapleleaf. Just say 'No, sorry"

Cp43 Fri 11-Oct-19 10:01:51

Being in a good central London location we get this all the time. Just say your sister/brother is staying with you for a while so no room.

JMitch Fri 11-Oct-19 10:04:43

I share your pain. Visitors should ALWAYS bring a gift. We have friends who invite themselves all the time, and mostly they bring gifts and contribute to our general well being by being 'good guests'. But an increasing challenge is their children. We live in the centre of a very busy city, in a trendy tourist area. Over the years we have had to impose a three-night limit, to try and manage these younger visitors. We love having them to stay but find their different hours quite tiring at times.

jaylucy Fri 11-Oct-19 10:11:14

It would have been nice for them to have arranged for some flowers to have been delivered after they had left or even just a thank you card left on the pillow (on a bed that had been stripped) would have been something, I'd guess.
I always at least try to buy a gift that I think they would like if I stay at friends or relatives and usually leave it, along with a card, for them to find once I have gone. Even a box of chocolates or some nice tea/ coffee and posh biscuits.
Just a little thing.
I'd suggest you tell them that you would love to have them stay, and are now doing Air B&B so there will be a charge as you have had to turn away other paying guests!

beautybumble Fri 11-Oct-19 10:14:09

It happened to me a little while ago. She had my only bed while I slept on the couch. I cooked a meal, one that all my family say is delicious, and she picked at it. She talked about herself for 2 days almost non stop, and when she left she said she would come again. Not a cat in hell's chance will I allow anyone to do that to me again. She didn't even ask how I was.
No is such an easy word and sooo liberating when you've said it.

luluaugust Fri 11-Oct-19 10:16:17

You could invite yourself, at short notice, to stay with them and see what the reaction is, then you will know how to act next time. I had a lovely friend wo stayed frequently at one time ad came loaded with garden vegetables, all the muck still on them, I spent hours chopping and freezing after she had gone, how I wish she was causing me lots of work now as she has died recently.

Rosina Fri 11-Oct-19 10:16:44

We have endured variants of the frustrations suffered by other GN posters. Lovely friends who brought food, flowers and wine when they stayed - but also brought their appallingly behaved child who turned us into nervous wrecks. The cats were traumatised, our children upset about deliberately broken toys; it was hell! We have also had the visitors who wash up without so much as a bottle of wine, stay for days, expect to be driven about and fed, and then depart wtih a cheery 'thanks'. Since we have moved from London most of that difficulty has gone from our lives.

fizzers Fri 11-Oct-19 10:24:42

My friend lives in a very popular seaside town, and you would be surprised how many of her relatives and friends turn up expecting a 'cheap' holiday, particularly during the summer months, now she has just gotten into the knack of telling them that other people are staying, or she will be away, or there will be some building works etc.