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feeling judged by a supposed non judgemental organisation

(57 Posts)
pooohbear2811 Thu 26-Dec-19 20:19:23

Currently off work sick, now into month four. Mine is the only income in the house for a good reason, and roughly a third every month is made up of overtime.
So currently not bringing in enough to cover my rent. Signed onto Universal Credit and awaiting my first payment due middle January. Should have claim it a month or two before I did but was not expecting to be off this long.
So there is a place local to us that collects food from various supermarkets and sells it on cheap to people on a low income. It has made a massive difference to my expenditure and means we are eating more often and better than we would did they not exist.
They were offering hampers to people that used their services so I applied for one and got accepted and was sent a text message to say it was on its way, being delivered by local drivers. Never got here, so I messaged them the next day and was told they had forgotten me and I would get it that night, still nothing. So on Christmas Eve I phoned them and was told they would deliver it between 2 ans 6pm. still nothing. Messaged them and they told me the driver could not find my house...not difficult and they have my phone number.
So messaged them back again and just after 10pm the owner of the charitable organisation messaged me back and said as I had shared on social media that I had handed in items to the local food bank and clothes to a homeless hostel as well as some Christmas related items to the shop they run he did not think I needed their help.

Now a) why lie to me telling me I could get one then and keep fobbing me off it was being delivered?

b) why not read the posts fully? as he would have seen that the food bank collection is something I do every year and not a bit of it this year cost me a penny it was collected from kind friends and neighbours. the clothes were items that had been lying around my house for years unworn and the Christmas related items came from a charity shop where I knew the lady running it and she gave me them for free.

I can see his point in thinking I was well enough off not to need his help but why not have the decency message me that and tell me at the beginning I was not getting one and we could have discussed this and sorted it out.

It is hard enough to ask for charity in the first place without being made to feel like a liar and a cheat for claiming something to which he did not feel I deserved. He did then say if I still felt I wanted one I could go and pick one up as they were open till midnight but felt I had been insulted enough for one day and was not driving to pick one up at gone 11pm.

Thought these charitable organisations were suppose to be none judgemental?

M0nica Thu 26-Dec-19 20:25:11

I think that behaviour is shocking and sad and no credit to the organisation. If they thought you no longer needed help they should have contacted you direct to talk about it and see if there was an explanation.

I think there suggestion, at the end of the day that you could drive round and collect a parcel, to my mind, added insult to injury.

I can fully understand your mortification. An organisation like this obviously has to check whether all their recipients are genuine, but if in doubt then a quiet conversation about it is the way forward, not the behaviour you had to put up with.

lemongrove Thu 26-Dec-19 20:27:02

It does seem odd that they check people out via social media,
However perhaps a lot of these sort of charities do that now?
Maybe they thought that as you had donated things, there were other more needy cases for them to help?
I think you are right, he should have told you that from the start and not promised a hamper.
Good luck for your future.🍀

GagaJo Thu 26-Dec-19 20:35:18

There is a national (international) charitable organisation (I don't want to add the name in case it's libellous) who collect for the poor and needy, who make, should we say, uncharitable decisions about who is needy and who isn't.

My school started a food bank collection for this organisation. I was torn, whether I wanted to contribute (although I do contribute to other foodbanks), because I have heard of multiple occasions where the organisation made unfair decisions.

In the end, I decided I needed to contribute as an example to my students (we collected by form group). My form collected probably the largest amount, which I was proud of. I thought the lesson, of giving at Christmas, was more important than my opinion.

I hope your Christmas wasn't ruined by the lack of charity of the charity. Could you post a comment on their social media? Shocking that they should do that to a family in need, at this time of year.

Doodle Thu 26-Dec-19 20:35:48

How did they get access to your social media account?
Sorry you didn’t get your hamper.

BlueBelle Thu 26-Dec-19 20:36:28

It could be mistaken though couldn’t it, if you were writing about donating food on Social media although you know it was things you collected and were giving out of the goodness of hearts it could have been misconstrued that you didn't really need the hamper?
You right he should have been straight about it with you though

Doodledog Thu 26-Dec-19 20:38:57

It is a sad indictment of our times that we do seem to be returning to ideas of 'deserving' and 'undeserving' poor.

I posted on another thread about similar things that I have seen on my local FB page since the election - basically people who know nothing of a situation setting themselves up as judges of who is 'badly enough off' to deserve help of various kinds.

I think that people like that should remember that a lot of people, however smug they may be, are not far from finding themselves in a situation where they also need help. Illness, divorce, changes in pension rules, business failure or redundancy - all sorts of things can tip people over the edge. I also think that there are a lot of people who enjoy being in situations where they can appear charitable, but actually are able to sit in judgement of others. Power can bring out the very worst in a certain type of person, and the Dickensian times we are living in offers a lot of opportunities for them.

I'm sorry you had to go through this, and hope that by next Christmas your circumstances have improved.

Alexa Thu 26-Dec-19 20:48:20

Poohbear I am sorry you have been the victim of inefficiency which has understandably offended you and amounts to rudeness on the part of the organiser responsible. I hope you might feel a little better if you consider the rudeness was not a measure of disrespect towards you personally.

The organiser was stupidly presumptuous. I hope you have no more trouble of this sort. No doubt other recipients have suffered similarly.

Smileless2012 Thu 26-Dec-19 20:50:13

Well if an example of how not to handle a situation like this was needed, this is it pooohbear; how horrible for you.

I hope that the New Year brings both an improvement in your health and circumstancesflowers.

pooohbear2811 Thu 26-Dec-19 21:52:11

totally agree that it looked like I was not in poverty but to me it was my little way of helping others.

pooohbear2811 Thu 26-Dec-19 22:02:42

Doodle I suppose as I was following their Facebook page they could see mine.
BlueBelle yes I can see what it looked like on the surface
GagaJo sometimes we have to donate to ones we might not be so keen on if that is the chosen charity. I did post a a comment on their social media and they removed it and that is when the boss came on to pm's and told me why. I explained my bigger picture and true circumstances to him which is why he offered me the chance to pick one up.
Alexa no he does not know me as a person so I agree it is not personal

Fiachna50 Fri 27-Dec-19 00:36:42

Im awfully sorry you have had this awful experience. I really don't know what else to say apart from I hope things work out for you and that 2020 will be better. Take care.

sodapop Fri 27-Dec-19 09:20:10

Very sad story Poohbear don't judge the whole organisation by the actions of one person though. Unfortunately some people abuse any sort of power or control they have.
I hope 2020 is a better year for you and your family.

harrigran Fri 27-Dec-19 10:16:41

I don't think people realise how often people check FB, it is well known that prospective employers and the police do as well as newspaper reporters.
This is often how benefit cheats get caught, some claim disability benefits and then post pictures of themselves doing activities which they are not supposed to be capable of.
I am sorry you felt let down.

oldgimmer1 Fri 27-Dec-19 10:19:29

I'm going against the grain a bit here.

I think the actions of the Charity were probably due to ineptitude than anything else.

The workers are likely to be volunteers and I know from experience that communication can be poor in charitable organisations.

I think the "judgementalism" arose from a justifiable need to check that the recipients of goods are genuine.

You posted on social media that you were giving stuff away - the charity drew the conclusion that you were not in need after all. What else did you expect?

Anyway, good luck with the Universal Credit. When (if) you meet with your Work Coach next it may be worth checking that you've done everything you can to maximise your income. Your JCP may also be offering Food Bank Vouchers.

polnan Fri 27-Dec-19 10:20:20

oh gosh, what a sorry state this country has descended into

prayers for you Poohbear and everyone... loving kindness so needed.

Caro57 Fri 27-Dec-19 10:28:54

Trouble is there are so many who are trying to ‘screw’ the system that we all suffer. I am so sorry you had this experience

Carolpaint Fri 27-Dec-19 10:29:33

Old gimmerl hits the nail on the head. You missed an opportunity to drive round, get your deserved hamper and share with the volunteer staff what had happened and put your side of the story. Only death prevents asserting yourself. Go out and share, stop whatever meanness about you is within the organisation you are asking for help from ASSSERT your side of the situation. Go on now enjoy gifts that have been donated freely as you have done.

tickingbird Fri 27-Dec-19 10:39:11

That’s inexcusable and you should have been informed that your hamper wasn’t being delivered, not fobbed off with lies. You are not being unreasonable and have every right to feel aggrieved.

jaylucy Fri 27-Dec-19 10:40:28

I have to wonder why you posted on social media about your donations in the first place? To that end, check your security on your account - if this organisation can read your posts , other people can.
I would say that they may well check out the people that request help. Sad as it may seem, it's not beyond some people to get help when they don't actually need it and then flog it on ebay or Gumtree! I have actually seen that a few times- one friend had a knock on her door , opened it, and there was a woman with a shopping trolley on wheels, asking her if she would like to buy a Christmas hamper - she had more than one and when asked where they were from, was told that she had been given them by a charity and didn't like what was in them !!!

oldgimmer1 Fri 27-Dec-19 10:45:36

Yup, @jaylucy, there ARE people who get food from banks and sell it - I'm not sure whether to be outraged or to congratulate them on their business acumen! grin.

Growing0ldDisgracefully Fri 27-Dec-19 10:49:37

Post the full story on social media, maybe in a non-judgemental way, as you have done on here, so that others can decide whether to use them or not.

grannytotwins Fri 27-Dec-19 10:51:44

They are doing the right thing by checking on social media. It was unfortunate in your case, but as someone who works in a charitable sector I have seen those who try to cheat the system. One regular family turns up in a brand new, top of the range car, clearly high, to claim they have no money for food. If they come in today I’ve only got sacks of onions so they’ll have to make soup.

Americanpie Fri 27-Dec-19 10:57:53

I agree with grannytotwins, too many going to food banks and yet have full lash extensions and shellac nails. Some also have the latest phone as well and yet can't buy food. Disgraceful.
However if a food parcel was promised. It should be delivered.

quizqueen Fri 27-Dec-19 10:58:05

I would have thought that buying food would be a higher priority than running a car or paying for internet access. I struggle to understand what people mean by the term poor nowadays.