I hate talking about mum, but........

Get a calendar, start writing everything you do for them daily and the amount of time it takes.
Also write the financial amount given to them.

Once you see it all in one place, you will realize you do much more than you think you do.

Stop enabling means:
1. Stop checking on them everyday- call or visit
2. Write a transition plan - where their meds are purchased, groceries delivered, their doctor's info, etc so they can start managing everything themselves
3. Start disengaging slowly - call or see them every 3 days, then once week
4. Explain to them changes are coming and they will have to adult and manage their own lives
5. Ignore the screams, manipulations, calls, fake medical emergencies, etc.
6. Look for therapy if guilt is too much for you to hold on your own.
You have been conditioned all your life and you need reprogramming.
7. Decide how many hours a week you are willing to help them- 4 hours, for example.
Write what you do in the calendar and after reaching the 4 hours, you do nothing else till next week.
Readjust the hours depending on how they behave- they complain you do not do enough, reduce them to 2. They complain more, to 0.

Don't be mistaken - you now serve a purpose to your mother. When you are unable to do all you do, she will ditch you and find another person to do her tasks for her.

Reclaim your life now, it is not too late.

Jaycee.I like the idea of a mantra I need to have some of these ready ! My mums always telling me I don't look well, and asking me what might be wrong,she is very nosey, and loves nothing better than somebody elses problems,but I would never confide anyway, she likes to think we're close, but clearly not. They are very strange, when their very elderly.

Hithere, a good action plan. Grannymy has a habit of doing too much and the more you do for somebody, the less they do for themselves - which is bad for their health.

Katyj, ' They are very strange, when their very elderly.' My mum was always strange - but got far worse. She wanted my sister, not me, to visit.

I got all the complaints to sort out, my sister (being sensitive) got the brave face and happy side.

I had requests for sweets and drinks, sister for clothes and wine. She wasn't daft, as I would not take alcohol (with all her medications) and sister disapproved of sweets!

Join the Carers UK Forum, we can give you lots of hints and tips on how to manage mum's expectations.

Sounds like your mum has just controlled you, using your soft and obliging nature to do so. I also had a brother with a serious drug and alcohol problem and mum gave him money for years before he died, enabling him to feed his addictions. They seem to make so many allowances and excuses for a week sibling. I felt as you do but I got to a point in my life and decided I’d had enough. I wasn’t aggressive with mum, but very assertive. I stopped talking about personal decisions etc as I knew that she’d just put me down, I discussed things with my AC and my friends instead. I also stopped phoning every night as it dragged me down. I see her once a week now and I phone her once a week, and altho she does not like it, she thinks twice now before saying anything negative to me. You are entitled to respect and consideration, so you must control the situation instead of allowing her to do so and you will feel so much better. Good luck ...

Agree with preceding posts - and please please please just retire if you want to! You don't need anyone else's permission! Then - get a life of your own. Good plan outlined above. You CAN do it!

If you’d have got your rightful State pension at age 60, I’m sure things would be much easier for you - and your mum. So many ladies are in the same position as you and it’s not fair. I sympathise with you. Any ladies who are in a similar situation, have look on Facebook on WePaidInYouPayOut.

Just playing Devils advocate. Is it possible that, even though she doesn't say it to you, she is proud to be able to tell people her daughter works for the NHS? Because she cant really say anything positive about your brother. But if you dont think that's likely, I can remember when my mum and gran were both alive. My mum worked, but visited my gran virtually every day because she lived locally. But gran always seemed to take mum for granted whilst appreciating those who only visited once in a blue moon. Think it's a bit of a common theme in life that the more you do the less you are appreciated. You are at a stage in life where you are entitled to retire if you can afford to do so. Your mum clearly relies on you and may be afraid things will change. But time to make a stand and make your own decision. Good luck.

Jaffacake2 I sympathise with you and of course OP . My sister and I struggle with our 93yr old mum, who is not only confused but very self absorbed and reliant on us for every thing regardless of our health issues or problems. I developed auto immune problems and my sister diabetes and I’m sure being run ragged contributed. Despite my initial reluctance am now seeing a counsellor who is helping me set some boundaries to help me gain some perspective and ways to cope with her demands, very helpful!

Would your Mum be open to the idea of having a visit from a befriending service? They also offer a regular phone call a week service as a rule too. It would give her someone new to talk to and, perhaps, a different view on things as a result? www.befriending.co.uk/ If she is a chatty person she might actually enjoy becoming a volunteer herself. You can get very cut off as you get older, I know the charity I volunteer for has a mainly elderly group of volunteers who love the weekly meetings as they get a chance to chat and just enjoy being in the company of other people, and it is surprising how many grow to enjoy being on our charity stalls at various events. One gentleman told me recently that it was so nice to be appreciated again - he had reluctantly retired from his job as an engineer and had felt lost at home all day with no visitors.

@grannymy
I had this with a great aunt who was like another mother to me.
My brother is as yours, dependant on alcohol, gambles and stole money from her on numerous occasions. Despite this she gave him everything and expected me to be there daily with her paper etc.
He did take her shopping in if he was going but he wasn't working, and would only go because he knew she would give him money.
In the end I made excuses for a couple of weeks, tell her I was busy at work and leave her to rely on him. Not because I wanted to punish her, but just so she would realise how much I did.
It worked, and she began appreciating what I did for her again, rather than expecting it.

Good luck - I feel for you x

Start cutting back on the things you know your mum can do for herself . Then perhaps she may appreciate how much you actually do .

If you want to retire just do it. Stop complaining that your Mum does or doesn't want you to do this or that. You are 62 years old. DO WHAT YOU WANT. NOW!

I am sorry you are made to feel this way.
I rarely see my mother. She is 92 and in sheltered housing. She is the happiest she has been.
However, I visited her last weekend and it made me feel sad, mad and angry. She just managed to wind me up.

Taking that aside.....my words to you are.....you only have one life, do what makes you happy. Seriously..... don’t have expectations of others....more often than not they will fail you. If, however, they rise to your expectations.....happiness all around.
Also.....don’t beat yourself up. You are not your brother’s keeper nor your mother’s.
I’m not saying be selfish.....just be mindful.
Good luck and be happy.

She really doesn`t want you to give up work does she, maybe she sees you as her success story. Just don`t bother saying anything about work she is old now and won`t change. You just do what is right for you and don`t try and do it all. If she has a little money get some outside help in for things like cleaning.

Dear Grannymy your mother is enabling your brother to drink by not taking responsibility for his drinking. Even if he isn't working he gets benefits which you and I pay for so why in heavens name are you buying him food, it is his choice to spend money on alcohol rather than food as it is your choice to buy food rather than alcohol. It is your mothers choice to buy him stuff so let her but do not enable her to do it. About time he stood on his own feet. Make a choice and spend time doing what you want. I have just retired from NHS after nearly 40 years and boy until I did I never realised how stressed I was. So let your body have a rest both physically and mentally. Your mother is able to get out and about when she wants so only help on your terms and start taking care of you.

I think a Carers group would be good for you, if there is one near you. You could talk honestly to others who understand. It would be a release for your feelings, and you might get some help and or friendship from it too.

One thing, taking your mother out of the equation, do you really want to retire now? Or could you reduce your hours? Decide what you really personally want, then find out how much worse off you'd be financially, and could you cope with that?

If you were home all the time, I hope you'd do some things enjoyable for you. Not extra time helping your mother. She seems very lucky really with friends. I can see it's soul destroying and unfair for you, with how she treats you. It's good to let off steam on GN, and I hope you can take some tips from here to improve your life.

Your retirement isn't up to your mum, try not to mention about work or retiring to her, for some reason she likes you working, maybe tied up with your brother not working, a pity he won't get help. If at all possible don't be quite so available to everybody and its a good idea to have some breaks with your partner which don't need discussing with mum much before they happen. Take care of yourself and a carer group is a good idea I went briefly when caring for my mum.

grannymy
My mother was like yours all my life.My first mistake was to be born a girl she told the nurse just after I was born to get rid of me.
The nurse apparently slapped her face and told off all my growing years I could not ever do anything right the shining Star in our house was my beautiful sister,tidy,well behaved, never put a foot wrong.She was the first born when I was having my second child she told me the tale about the nurse slapping her,and said to me I would never love any other children like you love your first.I have three children and love every one the same.
but back to your problem it’s fine for folk to say you must stand up to her but I know how very hard that is.
After my beloved dad died she moved to the same village as us.
I was astonished and asked her why she hadn’t moved near my sister I was told she wouldn’t expect my sister to do the things needed to help an old person,she was to be allowed to visit every other sunday but I was to be the one who did all the running around.My sister didn’t work and had no children.I had a job that took me all over the north west from 8 in the morning until I finished.I had three children when I would drop in to see her on my way home to make sure she was ok
she lived in semi sheltered accommodation.I would stay a while make her meal have a cup of tea with when I said I must go as I had my husband’s meal to get she say he’s big enough to get his own meal and I was to stay with her.
It was very difficult to go against her wasn’t too bad when my dad was alive as controlled most of her selfishness.

You have all my sympathy grannymy try and be a bit harder and did I read you were giving your mother money if I’m wrong but if i’m right stop as she is just giving it to your lazy brother.Best Wishes

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Also, in respect of your brother, his dependence on alcohol is a choice that he is making, like it or not. There are many ways to escape from dependency, there will be a local group he can join, but he has to want to do it himself.
I hope very much for your sake that you can find a better balance for your own life that keeps you content and allows you to be supportive of your mother in an appropriate way. Ask yourself what your actual responsibility is here, then act on your conclusion.
Best wishes in finding a way of really enjoying every single day of the rest of your life!

Hi, I would like to suggest having counselling to help build your self esteem. Your mother is quite happy to behave the way she does as she is rewarded with the ever dutiful daughter who bottles up the resentment which isn’t healthy. It’s not only mothers who behave in this selfish oblivious way and are able to for one reason, they are allowed to! The only way it will ever change is by you changing how you behave. Your brother and Sil you just need to forget what they are doing and look at what you are doing and how you can make things better. Talk to counsellors or go to your CAB and find out what services there are in your area for affordable counselling support. We can all sympathise with you but it’s not going to change a thing - You Are.

I understand that you feel the need to take care of your mother but the one thing you DON'T have to do is shop for your idle brother. If he's staying at your mother's house, just leave him to his own devices. He won't starve.

Very good advice all round so I have nothing to add except to ask if you can get counselling through your staff support at work. I worked for the NHS too and there was a counselling service for staff members. If so, it might just help you get your head around what your mother is doing to you and help you learn to deal with it.
Good luck