Gransnet forums

Chat

I hate talking about mum, but........

(81 Posts)
grannymy Wed 22-Jan-20 16:18:31

I'm almost 62. Have worked since I left college at 17. Never been out of a job. I have gradually cut down my hours and now work 21 hours a week. My partner is retired but we don't live together. I've worked in the NHS for over 30 years. I believe I'm at the stage where I would like to retire, but can't because I didn't pay my works pension until the last few years. (big mistake!) I have a brother who hasn't worked for about 20 years. He has an alcohol problem and looks pretty awful at times. His ex wife, who is close to my mum, has had anxiety problems for over 20 years and doesn't go out of the house. My mum relies on me as the "worker" of the family. Any time I am off sick, which is rarely, she can't wait to say "will you be back tomorrow?" If I tell her I'd love to retire, she'll say "you would only get bored." My mum really only has me to depend on as my brother can't offer much help and my sil none, although my mum will always say "S would be here at the drop of a hat if I needed her." I end up running around like a headless chicken when mum goes into hospital. I try to make her life as smooth as possible. I said the other day "It's horrible going out to work in the morning when it's pitch black." "Oh well, she said. Think of all those others who have to do so." I can't make a comment about work without being told "oh well, you only work 21 hours." It probably sounds very trivial, but it doesn't half get me down sometimes. She has every sympathy with my brother. She gives him money for food, which he uses for gambling and alcohol. I could do with a bit of extra money sometimes, not from her, but I am forgotten about! Sorry for the rant. If it's up to mum I'll be working until I drop, probably so that she can say "my daughter is working." My partner gets annoyed, but I can't stand up to my mum and I'm very respectful, but it's depressing some time.

Alexa Fri 24-Jan-20 11:35:42

Grannymy, the quotes from your mother sound like she believes she is saying something helpful. I think you might tell her "That is not helpful" when next she says one of her annoying platitudes.

I understand how difficult it must be to keep emotionally disengaged from her especially when you have your own worries.

jenpax Fri 24-Jan-20 12:39:54

Attendance Allowance was mentioned by someone up thread, and they incorrectly stated that it would be based on your mums own funds; in fact this is a NON means tested disability benefit and it’s only eligibility is related to the care needs of the claimant (your mother).Citizens Advice will be able to advise on this, and also on any benefits that you may be able to claim if you are no longer working as you are not yet at state pension age.

driverann Fri 24-Jan-20 14:19:36

It was a mistake not to pay into your NHS pension and it is also a mistake to reduce your hours in the run-up to retiring.
Because you will get a smaller state pension if you have paid less into it.

GrannyLaine Fri 24-Jan-20 16:58:26

@driverann OP has already acknowledged that so I doubt that its helpful to reiterate.

Solonge Sat 25-Jan-20 17:08:01

You are enabling this relationship by not stopping the negativity. My mum became a really difficult person as she aged. She was so unpleasant non of us liked visiting her. At some point, when I had driven 4 hours to see her, I met her on her way out...it was nearly 10 in the morning and she said ‘if you can’t be bothered to come till the days half over, I’m not waiting in’. At that point I decided enough was enough. I told her she was so unpleasant none of us wished to visit. The month before my brother paid for 27 of us to go,out to a restaurant to celebrate my mums 80th. She had ordered her food...when it came up she sniffed it and said she wasn’t eating that muck. She sat there with a face that would sour milk. I spent twenty minutes telling her that the constant nastiness had to stop or she would drive us all away. She went into the kitchen, I’m pretty sure she shed some tears...but came out ten minutes later with a tray of tea. She changed noticeably after that, even my brothers said how she had reverted to the mum we knew and loved. Don’t let your mum spoil your life and your relationship. Yo7 both deserve honesty. You need to tell her you don’t appreciate your alcoholic brother being treated like royalty when he does nothing...and that she needs to acknowledge the help she gets from you. If you are no longer there...is your brother going to turn into super son? She needs to wake up.