Stepchildren, family events & ex-wives

Am I missing something here? Your husband let you give your parents hard earned money as a settlement? Why? I wouldn’t have given her a penny!, poor you.

I can't understand why you gave her some of the money you had inherited from your mother, but you did so now you have no choice but to put it behind you. It was your choice, perhaps not a good choice but you didn't have to do it. If you continue to let it fester it will affect all your relationships, which I'm sure you don't want.
Re graduation usually tickets are strictly limited give 2 and I can understand why they would want their parents there.
Regarding the wedding, just go and enjoy it. Again maybe places at the top table are limited and itnwill be important to them that their parents are there. It doesn't sound as though you have been a parent figure in their lives or that they have lived with you perhaps more a trusted friend which is fine. If you care for them and your DH just turn up and have a fixed smile on your face.

I am sorry to say some folk on this question don’t seem to understand the stress this has put you under for years.
It seems to me that they only time your BH could see his children was the 2 days in 14 due to work commitments/costs etc.
A very close friend of mine had this problem she met her husband years after he had split from his first wife, but she was blamed for the brake up.In regard to the money Emilymarie may have had no choice if the ex had taken the husband to court the court would demand the total amount of money wages,savings etc of both emilymarie and her husband the fact that some of their monies was inheritance would not be taken into account.This is what happened to my friend they at the time were not even married but the ex knew they were both earning so had returned to court to demand more money.

I thought it completely wrong especially as the ex had a much better paid job and a new partner not that his money entered into it, which I thought strange as my friend’s did.
Also my friend’s husband was paying the mortgage, all the bills and giving the ex much more money than he was told to because he loved his children and didn’t want them to go without.Their. mother needed a lot of money for her clothes and lifestyle so a lot of the husband’s went on that.
How the courts allowed this is still beyond me.
But EmilyMarie my friend put it behind her and never let her resentment show.Her and her husband were very happy together and lived a loving life for 40+ years.
The ex was still asking for money when both children were grown up with children of their own.
When my friend’s husband died she demanded to come to the funeral which my friend agreed so as not to cause problems for the children.
Try and put it behind you I have seen that work well but difficult I know but your health is more important.
I do agree with the others that your husband should be supporting you first his children are not babies.Gook luck home everything goes well for You.

I’m horrified that you gave her the money. Now remember you may be a wife but you are a human being and a strong one. Start making choices that suit you. You should be sitting next to your husband at the wedding. Either that is on the top table or on a different one. Explain to your husband that you expect his family and his ex wife to treat you with respect, especially as you gave her some of your inheritance. You will therefore expect to be seated next to him wherever that may be. The children are all adults now. Let’s have a bit of respect and dignity for you after all you have done. Do not put a brave face on. Deal with this problem and then wear a truthful face. You sound like you are a wonderful lady who has been amazingly supportive of your husband. It’s your time. How do I know? I am a second wife and step mum. Assert yourself quietly, calmly and firmly. Good luck!

My separated husband died, so it was easy when my DDs got married, they took each other up the aisle. Youngest SIL has Mum and Stepdad, Dad and Stepmum. They had 3 main tables at the front with me in the middle and SIL's parents either side. At the head table was bride and groom, Maid of Honour, bridesmaids and groomsmen. No one was snubbed, meant a quiet harmony x

Wow Paddyanne that's harsh talk. I agree with Eglantine21 go to the wedding be a glamorous you and yes I agree to get her off your back your parents would have said just do it. Now let it go you sound a kind person who has had a harsh deal

It’s hard, especially when it wasn’t even your divorce. However, I think you need to separate the two events (payment and wedding) as they aren’t actually interlinked. The payment bought a full and final settlement, meaning you and your husband have presumably been able to enjoy more of his income than would otherwise have been the case and also avoid the constant threat of court applications to increase maintenance payments etc.. The weddings are not linked and seating plans are never easy following divorce, more so if one spouse has remarried and the other hasn’t. Accept that for what it is and rather than feeling snubbed or disentitled, look forward to the occasion and enjoy chatting to those with whom you are seated.

I see your comments

Oh dear - I want to give you a big hug - I know what it’s like being a step mum but luckily we all get on. Yes I agree I think you should sit with your husband at the wedding - albeit maybe not on the top table - we did though. The children are not children anymore and should have some respect for your feelings - they may one day be placed in the same situation !!! Re the inheritance - well it’s done now put your thoughts in a box and shut it - nothing can be done so move on and enjoy your life. At the wedding hold your head high regardless of maybe not feeling like it - I do hope you manage to have a nice time as it is so difficult sometimes ! Hugs to you xx

Paddyanne my gosh

Why did you give her money from your mothe?. She had no right legally or morally. I think you were wrong to do so, and surely your solicitor wouldn’t have suggested you should.

For new posters, beware the return of the bitter paddyanne with both barrels. Don't get her started on Scotland v England, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Sorry....maybe I misunderstand...but your stepchild is marrying and you are not to be placed at the top table...but your husband is? and he is ok with this? and he is there minus a partner? Im afraid if this was happening in our household, my husband would be telling his child that he wants his partner by his side. You have earned this place over the years. No top table, Im afraid I would develop a very bad stomach upset on the day.

Paddyanne's post may seem harsh, but it also true.
The poster doesn't seem to have taken any regular share in the children's upbringing, and not having brought up children herself does not realise the financial and emotional costs.
It is crass to say that "she wouldn't consider meeting someone else because her ex husband had 'ruined her life"; he seems to have been the guilty party and she may have felt real grief at the loss of her husband and marriage.

A second wife should be aware that her husband's children will be a perpetual charge on him ; my daughter is in this situation and fully understands that they are number one priority, but she loves the children and takes a full share in their upbringing.

For a man to use his second wife's inheritance to pay off his first wife seems incredible and the poster needs to consider his role in this ; he couldn't access it unless she agreed. How did the first wife know about it?

Tickets for graduations are strictly limited, and it is correct that second spouses are not seated at the top table if the wedding is formal; perhaps it is the children who do not want their stepmother there, particularly if they are aware of all the bitterness and resentment she is harbouring.

Eazybee how do you know husband was the guilty party? My Mum was just dreadful to my Dad and the children for years. She had a dreadful temper and she made our lives a misery. If my Dad had left I would have blamed her completely. I am now in a second marriage. My second husband was divorced by his ex after she had an affair not him. When he met me 2 years later she did her utmost to make our lives a misery and children were adult by then. I have known many separated mums refuse to allow Dad to see the children beyond the minimum which has caused distress to the Dad. Yes some Dads don’t take their responsibilities seriously but many do. Just because a woman says she is heartbroken does not mean that the mans heart isn’t broken as well.

If I was seated by myself and my husband was on the top table I would not be attending the wedding and would probably dump the silly man.

Crikey you are so harsh!

eazybee Stop making sweeping generalisations. You know nothing about the OP’s husband and Paddyanne us far from right.

You have my sympathy but bitterness will only make you a very unhappy lady. Your bitterness will not endear you to anyone as it will eat away at you. Give it up and look at all the positives in your life. You might find there is indeed pleasure to be had.

I have had a hard time with my partners family over the years. He always let them 'win' and eventually, I had to acknowledge that the only person suffering was me.

I decided to switch off the feelings I had because I didn't want to keep feeling bad. I was the one making myself miserable. Mostly it worked. Not always but mostly.

I don't do anything with his family that I don't want to now. He's passed up the right to expect a companion at those events.

Do what you need to for you. Stop punishing yourself for what can't be changed. And if you don't want to go to that wedding, don't. Give yourself what you need.

I am so sad that you are unable to move on from all this and are letting it spoil your life. I had problems with husband’s ex-wife and my step-daughter but, since my husband died nearly four years ago, have not seen either of them (once will settled). I just pretend they don’t exist and get on with my life without giving them another thought. I do hope you can learn to do this.. it will do you no good to brood on it. What is in the past needs to stay there.

Paddyann .. there are 2 sides to every story ... I am a step-mum and it's one of the hardest things I've done in my life. My husband is totally committed to his children but unlike his ex-wife has to work for a living and to support the children. They come to us every other weekend plus a weeknight dinner unless of course she decides she doesn't want to let the children come and disrupt contact which has happened frequently. A court order is in place to attempt to stop her disrupting this but the only sure thing that has come from this is a large financial cost to us for the legal help. My step children often tell me they love me and are very affectionate and I take on the 'role of mum' when they are with us. The only holidays they have are ones with us too, although the last two have been cancelled by her last minute as she couldn't get her own way and was punishing their father .. the children were the ones who suffered most with this though as per usual when she throws a hissy fit. Not all Dads are good but there are some pretty hellish Mums too! And yes I was a single mum too and did everything I could to keep mine in touch with their Dad as we had an amicable split, but he lost interest when he met a new woman a few months after and his weekends off were his time to enjoy not spend with his kids!!

Great idea from Eglantine21. Pull out all the stops, smile, charm everyone at the wedding.
I do think your dh is not supporting you as he could. My husband and I didn't go to his daughters' weddings as there had been little or no effort on their behalf to keep in touch or respond to him. They controlled him for so long with 'do this or we won't love you any more' behaviour. Then they were upset because their father wasn't going to be there to give them away - suddenly he wasn't manipulated by them. As adults your husbands daughters should not treat you in such a shabby way. They are simply old enough to know better.

You need to let this go, what has happened in the past has happened and you cannot change it. Dwelling on it will do you no good and just give you stress and probably bad health.

As for the wedding, well first when my daughter got married we asked her who she wanted to give her away and how she wanted people seated. She choose my husband, her stepdad to give her away as she believed he had always been there for her, sat with her in hospital, helped out with her insulin injections and many other things. Despite her learning difficulties she had thought though, she still loved her dad but it was her stepdad who had stood by her.

So all and sundry were invited, ex-husband and anyone he choose to bring but on the understanding he wasn't on the top table. He accepted and was understanding about it all.

My advice would be, if you can't sit with your husband then don't go, why should you be treated with so little respect. A wedding is suppose to be a happy occasion not a time for scoring points. Speak to your husband and ask him to back you up, if not stay way, treat yourself to a day out at a spa or something instead. Good luck with it all. Typed with out my glasses as I have once again lost them so excuse any errors.

Many fathers would be overjoyed to have their children more often but ex wives tend to be against this. They tend to hold all the cards even if they are feckless, alcoholic and tell terrible lies to their children. For years my husband paid the ex maintenance, had the kids for tea every night of the week, bought new clothes/shoes for them, remade their lunch boxes for school because what she sent was embarrassing. However, when she suddenly moved to the other end of the country to follow her boyfriend with the kids there was nothing we could do. Now she complains that she brought them up without their father!