Gransnet forums


Children or best friends

(61 Posts)
TrendyNannie6 Mon 24-Feb-20 10:53:51

Having a lighthearted discussion yesterday and the subject came up,do you treat your children as friends, my answer was no, my friends was yes lol, my AC have never been my friends, although we get on very well and are close,and can talk to each other about most things, I have friends as friends! What do other gransnetters think!

Septimia Mon 24-Feb-20 11:19:05

Children need parenting so shouldn't be treated as friends.

Adult children - well it's a different matter. I think the relationship with them evolves as they move out of their teens and become independent.

My DS is still my child but is also more of a friend than he was when younger - a sort of mixture. I can talk to him about things I wouldn't have before he became an adult, but there are still things I wouldn't say! And sometimes he still needs a bit of parental advice, usually requested, but it's up to him if he takes it!

Yehbutnobut Mon 24-Feb-20 12:18:25

I don’t want to be my son or daughter’s best friend.

Perish the thought! How sad would that be?

sodapop Mon 24-Feb-20 12:28:19

When they were young my role was definitely parental, they needed guidance and boundaries as well as love. Now they are adults the relationship has changed, as Septimia said relationships evolve with time. My adult children offer me advice now and I help them if I can. It is a mixture now of parent and friend.

ninathenana Mon 24-Feb-20 13:25:09

I love to spend time with my AC we make each other laugh.
My daughter and I can discuss nearly everything but as she says "There are things I don't want to tell my mother"
We have a friendly relationship but I am not her friend.

EllanVannin Mon 24-Feb-20 13:27:43

Friends are kept separately as far as I'm concerned.

Missfoodlove Mon 24-Feb-20 13:31:05

Not best friends, I love all three so much and our happiest and saddest times are shared together.
A good parent child relationship is the most precious thing I have.
My relationship with my best friend is also precious but different.

Anniebach Mon 24-Feb-20 14:21:16

Don’t know if being a single parent made a difference but my
daughters were 5 and 7 when my husband died. My role was
definitely the parent but a very close bond developed with time, my elder daughter was my best friend . My younger
daughter married and moved away , my elder daughter lived
close to me until her death.

SueDonim Mon 24-Feb-20 15:05:18

I’ve never wanted to be my children’s best friends. As my children have grown up the relationship changed but I still share things with my best friend that I don’t with my DC.

Grammaretto Mon 24-Feb-20 15:13:16

My adult DC are not my friends as such. I love them and care about them but I don't often confide in them or gossip. I save that for my friends.
I'm not their friend on FB for example.

They have their own friends. I have mine. If I grumble about my DC to my friends I can get very protective if they criticize them!. I like them to defend my DC.

SalsaQueen Mon 24-Feb-20 16:03:13

I have a very close relationship (as does my husband) with our 2 adult sons (38 and 35). The eldest was living 1/2 a mile away but is staying with us for the moment, whilst he gets somewhere else to live. The other son also lives 1/2 a mile away. We all get on extremely well, but there are things I wouldn't want to tell them (and vice versa), so although we're all very close, they aren't my friends.

Nonnie Mon 24-Feb-20 16:30:21

Fine line between being friends and being best friends.

Nonnie Mon 24-Feb-20 16:31:22

Think it might feel good to the parent to be best friend with AC but not sure if so good the other way round? Bit too much dependency?

AGAA4 Mon 24-Feb-20 16:53:25

First and foremost I am their mother but have a friendly relationship with all of them. Relationships with friends are different.

M0nica Mon 24-Feb-20 17:04:38

I cannot see how a AC can be a friend. An AC is a person you brought into being, raised and nurtured and launched into adult life. In adulthood your relationship may well be of equality and friendship because you like them as well as love them, but their will always be a line you should not step over. I would never discuss personla sexual matters, mine or theirs, with an AC, which they (or I) might do with a friend.

Similarly, in good functioning families, there is an implicit background of support and security that is never quite the same with a friend.

Anniebach Mon 24-Feb-20 17:27:46

I wouldn’t discuss personal sexual matters with anyone. B

No nonnie it’s not dependency .

FlexibleFriend Mon 24-Feb-20 17:49:16

There isn't anything I wouldn't discuss with my sons and Dil, friends not so much.

Grammaretto Tue 25-Feb-20 21:49:17

We were brought up by a widowed mother who often needed emotional support and she leaned too much on my older sister and me to a lesser extent. I maintain it wasn't our place to worry about our mother, her friends and support groups could do that.
Because of that I try not to bother our DC with my problems, They have plenty enough of their own.

FlexibleFriend Tue 25-Feb-20 22:23:56

Then again I don't really have problems but we talk about pretty much everything.

NanaandGrampy Tue 25-Feb-20 22:35:27

No ! I am my daughters Mum . They have more than enough friends but only one mum .

I do the tough job, ask the hard questions , give the advice you will never get from friends .

That’s my job , I love them too much to take the easy way out and be their friend .

paddyanne Tue 25-Feb-20 22:39:00

I'm their mum ,first and foremost.I'll always be there when they need me and I'm happy that they choose to spend a lot of time with us and that they feel they can tell us any thing.Sometimes things I'd rather not have heard .I'm also their friend but not their best friend and I think thats how it should be .My GC also call me their friend ,my 16 year old GS introduced me to his new girlfriend as his friend and wee daftgrannie ,now that made me smile

Scentia Tue 25-Feb-20 22:42:13

When they were children, that is what they were to me, my adorable children
Now they are adults, my DD is my very best friend. The only thing we NEVER discuss is sex, everything else we talk about together.

janeainsworth Tue 25-Feb-20 23:00:19

The Oxford English Dictionary describes a friend as ‘a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations’, which rather implies that your own children can’t be considered your friends.

However, the question the OP asked was, ‘do you treat your AC as friends?’

Yes, I do. I try give my AC the same consideration & respect I give my friends.

Justanotherwannabe Wed 26-Feb-20 10:06:03

You can say anything to a really good friend, not to my daughter... There are lots of no go areas, weight, finances, baby rearing... I keep my comments to myself, however well phrased and kindly meant!

Justanotherwannabe Wed 26-Feb-20 10:08:19

I do however respect her choices, although I wouldn't comment on them. And I praise her work, whatever I think (some of it is really interesting, some I could happily bin... unfortunately she tends to give me my least favourite ones!