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Old fashioned or fair.

(37 Posts)
vampirequeen Wed 18-Mar-20 07:30:35

I grew up in the Sixties and therefore am the last generation to grow up pre Women's Lib. Don't get me wrong I don't want to go back to unequal rights but I look at young women today and can't get over some of them. My upbringing taught me that marriage was a public/domestic sphere partnership. The man going to work and the woman being in charge of the home. I know things have changed these days and woman go to work full time too so both have to pull their weight at home but I'm talking about women who don't work whilst their husbands do.

I know one family where the mother drops the children off at school then spends the next six hours doing absolutely nothing. The house is a filthy tip. Her husband tries to clean up before he goes to work then does more when he gets home but he's fighting a losing battle and the poor man is exhausted.

I can't help thinking the is so wrong. If a man works and his wife doesn't the he shouldn't have to do much of the day to day running of the house. Surely that's the woman's job. She says he makes a mess too so he can clean up. But equally she makes a mess and doesn't clean up.

Is it my age that makes me cross at her attitude or her attitude itself?

Curlywhirly Wed 18-Mar-20 07:48:05

I don't think it is your attidue that makes you cross, it is her attitude. If she doesn't work, then the lazy so and so should get off her backside and do some housework! But this really isn't about equality - the reverse should happen if the woman worked and the man was home all day - I would expect him to clean, do the laundy, cook etc.

The lady you mention can't have much respect for her partner if she is happy to do nothing all day whilst he has a full-time job and then comes home and has to get stuck in. She is taking the mick, the poor chap needs to toughen up or leave the cheeky madam!

sodapop Wed 18-Mar-20 08:30:50

Appearances may be deceptive vampirequeen the lady in question may have some hidden disability or be depressed. We don't know the full story.
I agree with curlywhirly whichever partner is at home all day should do most of the housework. I think even now there is evidence to show that women do far more child care and chores than their male partners. Obviously this does not apply to everyone.

vampirequeen Wed 18-Mar-20 08:52:47

No she's definitely not ill in any way, shape or form. She's simply bone bloody idle.

Phloembundle Wed 18-Mar-20 10:10:30

Her husband needs to grow some.

Oopsminty Wed 18-Mar-20 10:12:55

Is it your/our business?

None of us know the full story so I wouldn't dream of commenting

MawB Wed 18-Mar-20 10:14:10

Vampirequeen we are all entitled to our opinion but is it any of our business?

Are the children at risk? If so by all means alert the appropriate agencies.
Is there a Public Health risk? Likewise.

But otherwise....

Saggi Wed 18-Mar-20 10:15:15

My MIL was like that. Never did a days work since she married.... dad worked all his life to come home to a mess... although she did cook... she never made / or changed a bed..... never did ironing ....never swept /hoovered . And my husband took after her . He gave up work at 50.... I had to go full-time.... I’d come home to nothing done. Apple didn’t fall far from that tree. I hated her idleness as I hate my husbands

Septimia Wed 18-Mar-20 10:17:05

I don't think it's necessarily a new thing. My grandmother was pretty lazy. My mum started doing things for herself at quite a young age because otherwise they wouldn't have been done at all. My grandfather did a lot of the jobs.

Juicylucy Wed 18-Mar-20 10:21:13

Oh I know a couple like this they have lovely big house 2 children at school.He works in the city. She does absolutely nothing all day long, he does it all after and before a days work. When I ask my friend (her relative) about the poor husband she says he’s 1 in a million he never complains never pulls her up on anything he just gets on and does it. To me that’s one selfish woman who has no respect for her husband or what he provides.

Callistemon Wed 18-Mar-20 10:23:14

It's his attitude which is worrying too.
He should not be such an wimp.

The reverse can be true too, though. We have a friend who has a more than full-time, stressful job. Her husband worked as and when, not full-time.
Both seem fairly happy, though, that the house is always in chaos.
The DC is most definitely not neglected.

Calendargirl Wed 18-Mar-20 10:29:44

I was a full time mum back in the 70’s. I did all the housework, cooking, I baked every weekend, I did everything to do with the house and children. Because that was my job

When I returned to work, part then full time, DH helped out more.

Now we’re both retired, I suppose I do most of the housework, he gardens, cooks as well, but it is mainly shared.

Yes, if you’re at home all day, it’s up to you to run the house really, and not expect your working partner to do a lot.

Grannyhall29 Wed 18-Mar-20 10:32:13

I totally believe that if the man goes to work and the woman stays at home then she should do the bulk of the housework, I'm not going as far as having the tea on the table the minute he walks through the door or running his bath for him etc, I was a stay at home mum and now my hubby has recently retired I'm finding it very hard to give over some of my housework to hubby, he's said he doesn't want to be sat around bored doing nothing but I find that if he says "should I do ......." I'll say "it's ok I'll do it after I've done ....... " so wary about stepping on my toes as well, I also feel guilty if say he's hoovered while I've been out to the shops as I think I should have done that before I went out, how have others adjusted

Alexa Wed 18-Mar-20 10:46:37

Vampire Queen I feel just as your do . I disapprove of lazy sluts when their sluttishness is a burden to others. I try to believe sluts can't help being sluts but I believe people should not burden others when they can help.

Annaram1 Wed 18-Mar-20 10:55:52

I wish I could have stayed home at any time. I worked full time even after we had children, They were farmed out and I hated it but we could not afford for me to stay home. Both of us did all the housework together and took our children out to the local park at weekends. The children did not like it when they were left with their minders and my little son even used to hang onto the car and it was difficult to dislodge him. It was distressing for all of us. Both survived this harsh treatment and became lovely adults. My little son became a doctor and my daughter refused to work and looked after her only child. I am talking about the late 60s and early 70s.

Moggycuddler Wed 18-Mar-20 11:00:42

If one partner works all day, whichever one of them it is, the one who stays at home should keep the house in good order, except for maybe a couple of jobs that perhaps a man (if he's the worker) could do more easily, like lugging heavy bins or mowing big lawns etc. It's only fair.

Hm999 Wed 18-Mar-20 11:12:00

I think it's up to the parents to decide who does what in the home and with the children.

Wonder if anyone looks at some of us, allegedly 'doing nothing', not realising that getting out of the house, meeting friends, taking little 'uns to park, maybe a coffee out, doing classes is important for our mental health. (And some of us will find being isolate-housebound very tough.)

grandtanteJE65 Wed 18-Mar-20 11:30:22

Well, as long as her husband puts up with it, nothing will change,

I have never understood how anyone could literally do nothing for eight hours on end, but some people are bone idle.

magshard20 Wed 18-Mar-20 11:33:12

My son and his wife decided on role reversal, when after having their daughter 9 years ago, DIL decided that she wanted to follow her chosen path of nursing, which meant a 3 year university course, at a university a train ride away, son took on the childcare, house, shopping and still does it to this day, while his wife works on an elderly person's dementia ward at the local hospital. This works well for them as a family, daughter happy for dad to take and pick her up from school daily (although it took him a bit to adjust to being one of the school "mums", but he joins in with them now !!)

Hithere Wed 18-Mar-20 11:46:33

I do feel your way of thinking is very outdated.

Plus, society has changed so much. Both partners may have to work to be able to afford what one salary could in the past.

Families manage themselves and do what works for them. It may not make sense to you. It doesn't have to. It is none of your business. It doesn't impact you.

rosenoir Wed 18-Mar-20 11:53:20

She may be happy living in mess. I am a tidy person but if I lived with somebody messy and lazy it would be up to me to clean up if I want it tidy.

Who is to say how anyone else lives,it must annoy messy people when someone is constantly tidying.

seadragon Wed 18-Mar-20 12:07:15

I was born in 1950. It always fascinated me that both my grandfather and my uncle undertook the 'heavy' housework' - cleaning external stairs, hovering, weekly shop etc and my 3 male cousins carried on the tradition. I found a husband who is happy to cook, shop and child mind....but neither of us is much good at housework sadly.... My mum always said I should have a routine. I have tried and failed several times. Now we are about to be confined to barracks by the govt, I think the best plan is to chuck everything out that we don't actually use and take it from there. We'll see.....

paddyanne Wed 18-Mar-20 12:20:27

You sound like my MIL ,she used to get angry when my sons then partner left lots of jobs for him after his 12 hour shifts ,even bathing the baby.They lived with her parents who not unreasonably expected her to do housework when they were out all day .Her dad would get p'd off because my son was going home to wash floors and clean ovens etc.The relationship ended when she started going out at weekends with other men and expected him to pick her up at 3am 40 miles away .

Americanpie Wed 18-Mar-20 12:21:52

My granddaughter's partner left her due to a similar issue. He worked away all week and then came home to a domestic tip and no food cooked every weekend. No clean clothes, nothing.
She moaned like hell but she deserved it. No one likes a lazy partner.

eazybee Wed 18-Mar-20 12:24:02

I think the system is better nowadays, when most young married couples seem to share housework and financial responsibilities equally. The crunch comes when the children arrive, as mother frequently works part-time and finds herself doing all the housework, even when she has returned to working full time.
Many women now share in heavy gardening, decorating and car maintenance, not to mention putting out the bins, which never used to happen, at least in my mother's day.

I do know a woman exactly like the one described in the post. Her husband was the product of a divorce, and was determined to be a good hands-on husband and father, of which she took full advantage. She resented his good job to the extent that he gave it up to please her, moved to a different area, and ended up in menial work following a nervous breakdown. Still she expected him to do everything. Writing this she has just reminded me of somebody!