Why after all this time

My mum died one week before my daughter was born. We had baby shopped together and she was so sure it would be a girl. Even now after nearly thirty years I think of her every day and still feel such sadness that she’s not here to see what a wonderful young lady her namesake has become. I miss her so much, it’s natural to miss your mum and shed a tear she was after all the one and only true friend you’ll ever have

My mum died 30 years ago and I can say I never really got over it . Silly thing can upset me not just anniversaries . I think if you didn't shed a tear now then , I think it would show you didn't really care . Just know in your heart she is looking down on you .

It completely normal to feel as you do. My mum died 20 years ago at the age of 65 after a 7 week battle with cancer. If that was now this situation would have been horrendous as we were with her everyday of those 7 weeks, and had the big funeral I wanted. She would hate it now if she were still here so that's a blessing. I still cry over what she has missed. I still have a lot of her possessions and only this year let her complete handbag go, obviously emptied it, I sobbed at all her receipts, tickets and notes on plants etc she had in there, her bus pass. Id been unable to touch it apart from surrendering bank cards as I was never allowed in her handbag without asking. Anyway I digress, everything you feel is totally normal.

Oopsadaisy3 I have often dreamed of my mum and that I haven`t phoned her when I should have, and she died 50 years ago.. I don`t think I feel particularly sad, otherwise,, but then I/we have never recognised anniversary dates as such. don`t set much store by them if you know what I mean

I am thinking that a lot of grieving, particularly my recent grieving with dh having died nearly 6 months ago,, that I am grieving the lost life we had together.... of course I miss him, but I am a person that tries to understand "stuff" and cos I keep on crying, and even now,, crying, just talking to you all.. thinking it is the lost life that .. oh heck.. I hate this grieving.

I too wish I could be happy and remember good times.. I do talk of my mum, and how she gave me such a good life,, through the war years and after,, she made it all fun, for a child, the war, bombing and death and all that,,, not fun, but I wasn`t filled with dread, she protected me.. but still I grieve for the lost years.

yes, Bluegrass, I think the present stress is telling on all of us, in different ways, perhaps we have kept grieving for our parents away, by getting on with out lives, over busy, now this lockdown is giving us all time to think more and perhaps grieve for a lot of things? just wondering

That could have been my post SalsaQueen ... almost to the time since my mum died! I still miss her so much!
Hang in there ttgran and remember that it's OK to cry. ⚘?

My Mum died twenty years ago,my Dad a few years before that,I m always sad when I think I wasnt there at the end for either of them, due to the fact I live in another country,and couldnt get home in time,I have had a guilty conscience from that day,but look back on the wonderful times we all had together, but sadness never goes away.

My husband died suddenly when he was 42 from a heart attack, this was 23 years ago and miss him terribly still.
My children were then 20, 17 and 10.
He never saw our daughter and son walk down the aisle and his three adorable grandchildren. He missed out on so much when he still had a whole life ahead of him with all of us.
But memories live on and we have to hang on to that, even with our tears.

What is normal? Everyone’s normal is different. My mother died some 16 years ago, she had lived with me for 18 years and I was relieved when she died. I sometimes regret her missing some things but generally don’t miss her at all.

Both my parents died over 40 years ago. They were mid 40s when I was born. I left home when 18 and due to distance rarely saw them. None of us were well off and travel wasn't so cheap 60 years ago. I did return when they were older to help look after them and I am glad I did. My main memories are of them in their old age, with few of my or their own younger days. I do look at those my age who still have parents and wonder what it would be like to know a person for so long. I am not sure about the fashion of people waiting until late 30s early 40s to have children. I can't help but think their children will be like me and miss having a parent for a long time. Each and everyone of us find grief in many different aspects of life and deals with grief in different ways. Only now I recall the little number of happy times rather than the loss and I know it is regret rather than grief I feel.

There is a view that our sadness at the death of a parent continues beyond q normal mourning period because we have unfinished business with that parent. Certainly the case for me. If you believe in reincarnation you can be content that you will pick up the relationship in another place and that might comfort you. Alternatively you could seek a therapist who might help you talk to your inner image of your mother and clear up anything outstanding. It need not take long using guided meditation and perhaps a little journaling. Others might encourage you to talk about your mother to people who knew he I have two cousins who use me in that way, but as far as I can see they have never moved on and it's the same distress recycled over and over. I suggest you ask yourself whether your mother would want you to be sad for so long? She would want you to remember her but maybe it's time.

Very normal. I still pick up the phone to ring my mum sometimes - 17 years after she died.

Dad died in February 2013 and Mum in September 2014. Both died in hospices and after last night’s news bulletin from hospices I was in pieces. So there is no real time to know when you are over the loss. I am very grateful that I do not have to worry about them in these unprecedented times as dad was 259 mikes away from us but mum was 10 minutes in the car. Either would have been a logistical nightmare.
Hold on to the good memories those get me through.

I miss my father, he was 56 when he died and he died of and from a broken heart. For that, and other things, I don't miss my mother at all.
You said you feel that way every anniversary of her death, that is perfectly natural because death is unnatural and the loss of loved ones is painful, particularly if we had a good relationship with them.
I've lost some beautiful friends that were closer to me than family and they've been dead for 25 years but there are so many triggers that set off an emotional response, along with other triggers, equals an emotional wreck.
I would say that there is still very much a stiff upper lip attitude about shedding tears, emotional pain is real and tears are a response.
I'm thinking about all of you and your losses

Yes it is i still feel very sad about my mum and it was 22 years ago in january she died. I wish i had videos/dvds with her in but havent.only photos.(just a question, why would only your husband remember her,were your children too young when she passed away to remember?) My older kids do remember my mum but my youngest daughter was only little so cant quite remember everything,and my 2 youngest were born after she died so only have photos& stories from us to 'keep her alive' in their memory.strangely, though,when my 21 year old was about 3 or 4,i took him to visit her grave & take flowers one day,& he didnt want to leave,he burst into tears, when asked why he didnt want to go he said, "but i will miss her, wont i?" But he never even knew her- i thought that was very moving, and just shows i suppose how close we can feel, to a parent or grandparent, just because of a family bond.

My dear mum and dad both died over 20 years ago. I still miss them and think of them often, with pangs. Hard to think of the way they died too, my dad had a sudden heart attack and died alone in the house. My mum died in a nursing home of stroke/dementia. Grief and loss never really go away, they just become easier to live with over time.

I too lost my mom 21 years ago and think of her every day and more so when under stress.
I think it`s our way of coping tbh.

Bluekitchen192- i certainly dont have any 'unfinished buisness' with my late mum, unless its the feeling that she should have been with us for several more years, and went before her time, (69 when she died) but she was very sprightly& bright and outgoing, so that of course is no age really) but i simply love& miss her still,and we were very close, i used to see her almost every day.so yes,i still miss her.

I am reading all your posts about your lovely Mums and Dads and I will admit I feel envious. My Mum lost a baby, he was 3 months old and she never got over it. Probably today there would be more understanding and help. So I never really had a relationship with certainly never a conversation. I lost my father when I was 21 and miss him although he never really addressed the situation at home or helped me to deal with.

My mum died aged 62 nearly 38 years ago. I miss her and talk to her every day. She was the only person to love me absolutely unconditionally. I am for ever grateful to have had her as my mother. I didn’t meet my father until I was 48. He left my mother and two year old sister when she was six months pregnant with me. She made sure our lives were as happy as possible. I felt no interest in him at all. I suppose I always thought of myself as an immaculate conception.

My mum died 21 years ago and boy do I miss her still. We had a stormy relationship and I was a bit of a cow to her. I am crying as I write this as I would just love to put my arms round her and tell her sorry and how much I loved her and still do.

I take comfort in the good happy memories we have of my mum,and the older ones tell my my younger children stories of their grandma- my youngest daughter can remember some but not all,but she has her special 'grandmas teddy' that she insists still 'smells of grandma's' even though its been washed over the years, (i think we used same washing powder?) But also,i see some trait of my late mum in each of my children,and now also in my grandchildren, her looks or her ways, each one of them has something or other that is so like her its uncanny.it is a comfort.

Time-as we know it-has little meaning in such circumstances. It’s a normal reaction ttgran .

@ttgran, I am exactly the same on the anniversary of my granny's death, also certain music still makes me upset and i have to turn it off, that was over 40 years ago and for many years my mother (her daughter) told me to pull myself together, mother and I eventually fell out over it and didnt ever speak again, I believe she also died a few years ago but I dont get upset at that. I really sympathise with you but in my book there is nothing wrong with it. I will probably be the same until the day I die and am not ashamed to admit it. I sometimes wish we treated death in a different way in this country, more like they do in Indonesia and other countries, its a celebration not any sadness. We have been invited to so many funerals out there over the years, all for people that we had never met.

We all react differently. My mother died two years ago . My son had found a film on his phone of her talking in the garden. I couldn't bear to hear/watch it.

However my husband loves to see old footage of his parents

I don’t think it makes any difference how many years I’ve lost both parents and I can think of them at any one time and it makes me really sad, but they are together and that brings me much comfort