Gransnet forums

Chat

Why after all this time

(76 Posts)
ttgran Tue 28-Apr-20 18:29:06

Its 28 years today since my mum died yet on every anniversary I feel such sadness I still miss talking to her we were very close sadly apart from my husband no one else remembers her.
I do have dvd's of her with my children but struggle to watch without feeling such sadness when actually it should bring me happiness to see her alive and talking.
Is this a normal reaction ?

Wibby Tue 28-Apr-20 18:47:34

Yes very normal, watch the dvds feel sad, have a good cry, one day you will watch the dvds and laugh and remember your mum with happiness.

SalsaQueen Tue 28-Apr-20 18:58:45

What is normal? My mum died 25 years ago, and I still feel really sad when I think of how she died, and how she missed out on certain events. I find it hard o think of her without wanting to cry. My dad died 20 years ago, and although I miss him, I don't feel the same level of grief.

Oopsadaisy3 Tue 28-Apr-20 19:02:38

Yes, I think it’s normal, last year my SIL played some old cine films of our children playing in the 1970s, they were all so innocent and some horrid things have happened to them as adults, it really upset me and I cried my eyes out!

I actually dreamt about my Mum last night and woke up thinking that I had forgotten to phone her, it took me a couple of seconds to realise that she died a long time ago. But I’m having some very odd dreams lately,

Cabbie21 Tue 28-Apr-20 19:07:06

At the moment I feel so relieved that my parents are no longer alive. I am not sure how they would have coped, trying to get food and medicines. My mum spent her last months in a care home, so I am glad she is not in one today.
I do try to think positively.

GrannyLaine Tue 28-Apr-20 19:10:40

My Mum died a year ago today and I will miss her always. I've been thinking today how very different it would have been had it been this year. She was found collapsed at home and survived less than 24 hours. We wouldn't have been able to accompany her to hospital nor be at her bedside through the night as she left us. And we wouldn't have been able to have the beautiful funeral service that we did. So for all of that, I am so grateful

Grandmafrench Tue 28-Apr-20 19:18:02

I'm right there with you, GrannyLaine, my own dear Mum died less than a year ago. I would be completely beside myself if we were facing that now. flowers

Cabbie it just doesn't bear thinking about. I feel such sadness for all the "forgotten" ones and their loved ones struggling to make sense of it all and not even being able to say goodbye. flowers

Ellianne Tue 28-Apr-20 19:23:28

My mum died nearly 36 years ago. I was in my 20s, she never saw my children. You never get over it, it is quite normal to feel sad looking at photos or film.

BlueSky Tue 28-Apr-20 19:33:53

GrannyLane same here my lovely Mum in law passed away last year and I was thinking the same things as you. I think we are all more emotionally vulnerable at the moment with this virus on our minds.

ginny Tue 28-Apr-20 19:45:11

It is perfectly normal. My Mum died Very suddenly 27 years ago when our DDs were 8,11 and 15. She missed so much of their lives and would have adored her GGSs.
I think of her every day and often image myself chatting with her.

GrannySomerset Tue 28-Apr-20 19:51:35

My mother died in 1958 and I still miss her and think of her nearly every day. She was a brave and positive woman, ahead of her time in lots of ways, and I have absorbed her values (and some of her sayings). On my wedding day, and when my children were born, I felt her presence as well as her absence and hope she would have liked the woman I grew up to be. I am now twenty years older than she was when she died, which is hard to believe.

Damdee Wed 29-Apr-20 09:43:48

Although it is normal to feel sad about the loss of any loved one, I do think like Cabbie21 said it is better to think as positively as possible. You loved your mum, you were close, she loved you - so there probably are no regrets about your relationship. - be happy about that. My parents both died over 10 years ago and I feel sad sometimes, but in general I am glad that I had loving caring parents, a happy home life and lovely memories. I also am glad that they are not here now, to have to live through these difficulties.

harrysgran Wed 29-Apr-20 09:45:24

It's normal to feel sad when you had such a close relationship I lost my mam 27 years ago this month I miss her every day fortunately my daughters still remember her although they were young and have good memories of her I don't know if it's due to the lockdown and being alone but I think about both my parents a lot lately and wonder how they would of coped

CarlyD7 Wed 29-Apr-20 09:53:02

I think it's more about what you're telling yourself - the phrase " it should bring me happiness" was interesting! Who says so?? I lost a baby 25 years and, no matter what I'm doing or how well I'm feeling, the sadness still creeps in on the date she died (if I try to ignore it, I usually get a cold!) Someone once said to me "the body remembers" and it does. Don't tell yourself off - just honour your feelings (and it doesn't matter what anyone-else thinks is "normal" or not).

Nannapat1 Wed 29-Apr-20 09:54:16

My mother died more than 50 years ago when she was 47 and I was 15. I still have odd moments of overwhelming sadness when I think of her and her life cut short.

ecci53 Wed 29-Apr-20 10:00:59

Very normal to feel that way. My Mum died 40 years ago, when I was 26. I still miss her and often feel envious of people my age who still have a living Mum.

lynn56 Wed 29-Apr-20 10:01:56

Ditto

I still miss my parents . Dad died 25 years ago and mum 12 but I still catch myself wanting to tell them things and cry for them. This is normal — if we didn’t feel these things we would be less then ourselves. My eldest brother died before Xmas and that is so hard but like others in this thread I pleased they are all free of this situation we find ourselves in . And yes the body remembers the grief of my lost babies too but it also remembers the smell of dads greenhouse , the laughter of my mum and dad teasing each other, the touch of mums hand and a brothers hug . Embrace it all - it makes us human .and we pass it to the next generation. I feel my parents channelling when I hug my daughter and play with my grandchildren . Keep safe

Want2Help Wed 29-Apr-20 10:04:04

Dear ttgran yes I'd say its very normal, my Mom died 19yrs ago and I think of her so often but these days in a good way, she was quite a funny lady in her ways so me and DH remember the sweet things she used to say in jest. There's really no-one like your Mom is there, they nurture, feed and look out for you always (well the good ones do anyway). Please don't brush those moments away when you feel tearful, remember her and have a good weep, I'm sure she was worth it.
You maybe haven't grieved 'properly' for her. It's never too late.
Sending virtual hugs 💐

Flakesdayout Wed 29-Apr-20 10:05:34

I lost my mum 3 years ago and my dad 23 years ago. I miss my mum and think about her a lot. My dad not quite as much but he is often in my thoughts. It is the anniversary of his death tomorrow. I do think about what they have missed with both my sons getting married in the last two years and buying their first homes. Don't mind them missing my recent ill health. My DIL asked for some photos of my son as a baby and whilst looking I found pictures of family members passed and it does make you sad, even though you have happy thoughts of them. I don't know how they would have coped with this lockdown and especially with my mum as she was before she died with her dementia and frailty. She was in a care home which had a chest infection spread through the residents and they lost 5 in a week, including my mum. I think we are all normal and whilst trying to be positive you cant help feeling sadness.

Bluegrass Wed 29-Apr-20 10:06:22

I've been experiencing some weird dreams, some quite upsetting. I put it down to stress - under control, but needing to be released somehow. Even if we feel we are coping with these worrying times, there is underlying stress. Look after yourselves and share your feelings with friends and loved ones.

BonnieBlooming Wed 29-Apr-20 10:12:16

My daughter is pregnant at the moment and in our Trust even the dads aren't allowed at scans or appointments. It's to cut down on the number of people going in to the hospital. Also she has discussed names with me but I wont know their final choice until the baby is born. I am also close with my daughter but I accept that these things are between the couple. With her first I was to be present at the birth but decided not to go as it was a special moment for the them.

MaggieMay69 Wed 29-Apr-20 10:18:44

I lost My Dad at 18, and my Mum in my 20's, and I still talk to them both every day!
I realised a few years ago that my children really missed out on knowing them, so I decided to write down everything about them that I could remember, the good, the bad, the traits, the habits, their favourite sayings and how easy going my dad was compared to my Mum, and my daughter and grandchildren absolutely loved it.
Now they feel they have some part of their history that they can one day tell their children about, and it was cathartic to say the least!
I put down as much as I could about my family including names of old Aunts and Uncles, and now my grandson is going to research the Family tree, which I am really looking forward to!
Maybe doing this will help let out some of the pain. Whatever you do, you are totally normal and allowed to feel, so let yourself. x

Disgruntled Wed 29-Apr-20 10:19:17

Yes, ttGran it's normal. I agree with Wibby: watch the videos and have a good cry. Please don't try to suppress grief. You could try writing her a letter, that usually helps. flowers

paddyanne Wed 29-Apr-20 10:19:59

I lost my Dad 26 years ago and theres not a day that I dont think of him or mention him,I'll never stop missing him.My mum has been gone 14 years and although I miss her its not nearly as much.I think its because I was with mum until her last breath whereas Dad died in the street and we didn't see him agian as the coffin was closed so we never got to say goodbye .

MarieEliza Wed 29-Apr-20 10:27:11

When my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer she decided that she wanted to go to Lourdes in France a place of Christian pilgrimage. She sadly died there at age 56, and was buried without most of the family present. This was a month after I got married so she never saw my children.
I feel sad occasionally when I tell the children and grandchildren but I can see so much of her in them. She was an artist and very bubbly and this has been passed on. Sometimes I feel she is watching over us and smiling.