Cabin fever with adult children

There are a lot of unkind replies on here towards your daughter. I know she is driving you mad but is this to annoy you or just because she is scared, may even have ocd why she is constantly spraying against viruses or one in particular ? This is not to say your house is filthy at all. As a teacher she is probably very worried about going back to school where she has a risk of catching the virus. My daughter is a teacher and has similar fears of returning to school.
Please, please don’t take your daughter’s behaviour too personally and be hard on her. Have a chat and see if you can help her be less anxious. Does it really matter if spraying every where makes her feel better?

My adult son lives with me and quite honestly , have had little problem - he's working from home and has turned the box room into his office, so I really only see him at meal times!
In the evening he has usually watched his own tv in his room.
I think your daughter really needs to be aware that teaching and preaching stops at the school gate! Does she have any interests that she can do either on or offline ? There are a lot of online quizzes that you both could do - even play against each other or form a team, just to give her something else to think about.
In our house, it's me with the antibac wipes - or I leave parcels outside in our barn for a couple of days before opening them!

Oh glad it’s not just me, I’m craving time to myself. There’s 5 of us at home , 2 adult children (who are no trouble) a 20 month old gs. Who is really hard work. And my husband who had dementia. He causes arguments with everyone and I’m piggy in the middle.
I think people who have been off since the lockdown began, are more fearful of returning to work.
But you’re daughter is being unreasonable, I think sit down with her and lay down some ground rules.

I think the answer is ‘My home, my rules’. Perhaps you should suggest that you try to live apart in the same house as much as possible so that you both have your own time

However, I am secretly envious of you as I am totally on my own, only seeing my family on FaceTime every night. How I would love physical contact t.

I pity the poor children she teaches
Sounds like she has classic victim mentality
You must be tearing your hair out

Any teacher frightened of going back to school
Should leave

Your daughter needs a dose of real life,.... my daughter (estranged) lives in her own house , usually with her kids every other week. But now she’s in ‘shielded’ and had to hand her two kids over to their dad for the duration. They are only 2 miles away , but she canot give them a hug and a kiss and a cuddle. She can only see them on FaceTime once a day. Luckily their dad is an excellent father and lives near a big park... can take them out every day whereas she not allowed to leave her home. She has to rely on my son and her best friend to shop for her.... and have a chat from road. Your daughter sounds like a ‘ scardie cat’ as we used to call each other when kids . She needs to grow a backbone and start supporting you ,NOT behaving like a spoilt child. Have a word .... mum!

Gosh I thought you were going to say you had 4 or 5 adults living with you. One, educated, responsible person. Your daughters is needing an outlet to get out her frustrations and anxiety. Surely she has friends in similar positions she can talk with about what is going to happen when schools return. You need to tell DD to calm down, she is not any different to most others in the country. Why not get her to volunteer with a charity agency - that wiukd open her eyes to other's difficulties.

I know how you feel,i have my son ,my daughter in law and grandson with me,not had any time to myself since lockdown,unless I go to bed or when I have a shower.feel like screaming at times but have held my tongue so not to upset the household.im a convenient childminder , when they have things to do.i have given up with tidying up because as soon as I clear up a room they want to use it. my carpets need washing the whole house needs doing. I cannot wait to get back to work as I have been furloughed,cant wait to get back for the social side. my partner does not live with me so I cannot get his support just phone calls which are hard as I get no privacy with them.so most of the time we text.

She is obviously more anxious than you about the virus and that is understandable.
I’ve asked my mum not to make a coffee for her gardener and if it was me I’d bring a flask anyway. I think she was right about that.
Cut her some slack and try talking it through without being defensive. If you are not being careful with post and shopping by cleaning and disinfecting before you use that’s not following advice so she probably thinks you aren’t taking it seriously. It is best to be cautious at this time.

My adult children all have their own homes so I’m not dealing with these problems. I do however have several family members and friends who are suffering with varying degrees of anxiety at this time. Meditation apps such as headspace may be helpful. Also exercise and fresh air. I speak regularly to 2 friends whose attitudes are verging on the hysterical at times. One of them had refused a distanced chat in my front garden because I went abroad in February and she doesn’t know if I’m free of the virus!
It’s hard but I think that treating the anxiety is the way forward here. One friend has telephone counselling which helps her a great deal.

Completely empathise! We had our 39 year-old daughter with us for 4 weeks (2 weeks pre LD, 2 weeks during). Adult children who haven’t lived at home for 20+ years seem to revert to stroppy teenagers in this situation. Our daughter had been off work with stress initially and came to live on our smallholding. Her doctor deemed her fit to return to work after 4 weeks and she herself decided that would be the right thing to do. She then proceeded to behave like a child for a day - not speaking, refusing the (vegetarian) meals specially prepared for her, laughing uproariously all evening with friends on a house party app - before apologising the following morning & not really wanting to go home. The month had already been really trying for us (walking on eggshells, accommodating smoking, vegetarianism & a ‘medicinal’ weed habit) and so I calmly said that I thought the time had come for her to re-engage with her own life and work, rather than the artificial existence here with two 60+ year-olds. My husband drove her home (a 5 hour round trip) during which she didn’t speak to him & she subsequently refused to respond to texts and calls for 3 weeks. We were worried about her, but knew she was fine as she remained in contact with her younger, married sister. She finally resumed telephone contact this weekend & I guess we’ll have to dissect the whole situation over the coming weeks. She does seem to have (at last) taken responsibility for herself, which is gratifying, but has been a difficult period. So, in summary, I do think you have to address your situation as diplomatically as possible: it’s your home after all! However, do be prepared to find that it won’t be heard graciously and there may be some unpleasant fall-out before the parent-child balance is recalibrated. And, before I get it in the neck from Gransnet terms, I’m not saying we handled the situation perfectly but some self-preservation & sanity has to come into play at some point. Good luck!

What an unkind post, Annecan. Being nervous about going back into an environment where you are at higher risk of catching Covid-19 is quite a normal reaction. Taking it out on the people who are closest to you is not to be admired but very common too.
LynG6, your daughter is sounds like she is suffering from anxiety along with many people these days and she needs to get a handle on it but may need your help to do so. Teaching is a highly stressful job at the best of times and I expect that she knows that it is likely to be a devil's own job to get things back on track which will take a lot of hard work even without the worries of distancing. Although I understand all the arguments for telling your daughter that it is your house so your rules, I'm not sure that is terribly helpful at the moment and it is also her home. My advice would be to calmly ask your daughter not to speak to you in that way when she is being rude or moody, ignore her spraying the anti-bac and her comments about what you have bought. If you escalate things it will just mean that you have to live in an even more unpleasant atmosphere which would probably be even worse. Once this is over, you can make decisions about whether her time at home has reached the end.

Yeah same boat here. Daughter in house share and here until travel lifted. I should of set I wouldn’t say rules it sounds too harsh but MY home not yours, sounds awful but having left home four and a half years ago I’m so depressed now. I’m having to go out on bike, do garden, sit in kitchen which is a galley one and feel so down. Can’t wait for restrictions to be lifted. I let her know how I was feeling and the fall out was horrendous. NEVER will I do this again. Sorry for caps but I need to vent. X

Also it’s akin to ten years ago. Same bedroom I honestly if I was going to stay here after this as I aren’t I’m hoping to sell up I’d padlock the room up it reminds me of awful silences and moody door slams, years ago and it’s back to that again

My daughter lives with us and she has been a tower of strength to us. Our other daughters are grateful to her for making sure we keep safe. It was hard for my husband at first but all is calm now. My family feel secure in the knowledge that we are in good hands. She says (daughter) that it is her turn to look after us, and bless her, she's doing an amazing job.

Being a teacher she is lucky not to have to go to work since the beginning of the lockdown. Every teacher I know has to do at least some days at school.

I’m same mind as you Aepgirl. I too am on my own, coming up to my 9th week and crave the company of another human being. I know there are lots of people out there going through stress locked down with people 24/7 and it must be very difficult at times but being on your own 24/7 is very stressful too. Us humans aren’t meant to be in isolation but needs must.

Sorry, JenniferEccles, but the daughter should NOT being going for a little drive to get a break!

Maybe try to regard your daughter as a housemate, rather than your child?
How would you address this situation with a housemate?

This is obviously a stressful situation for you but as a teacher well aware of the problems she may face when she returns to work I imagine it is stressful for her as well. Is her behaviour different now from what it has always been?

My personal feeling is that making a big thing of something as trivial as the anti-bac spray, annoying as it may be, is pointless.. In a difficult situation saying nothing is often the best response and going down the my house my rules path will only lead to confrontation and I doubt whether in any case she would change her ways. My response to the question "what have you been buying now?" would be just "something I wanted"and leave it at that.

Point out to your daughter.

that this situation is hard on us all.

that the fact that you are her mother does not mean she can treat you with less than common courtesy.

that it is no business of hers what you buy or order

that as long as the gardener's cup was washed by you and scalded, no-one is likely to catch anything from it

Then ask her to be her age.

She will be sulky and oh, so hurt, but she is behaving like the worst spoilt brat she has ever taught or ever will teach.

Kind regards to you both from a retired school-teach er of the Prof. McGonnegal type.

Easybee's comment of 'She is a teacher; she should have some control over her emotions' is completely true. However, I have a 42 years old sister, also a teacher, who needs a trauma nurse if she can't find the right colour nail polish!! Yes, it's your house, your rules but daughters will be daughters and more and more I feel that daughters are not happy unless they are picking on mum, whenever and wherever they can. Let her know who's boss, you're saving her tons of money no doubt and for that reason alone she should be more thankful..

I am another poster who believes as she is in your house it’s your rules, this is hard on everyone, you shouldn’t be getting any backlash from her, and no way should you be explaining away to her why you are getting parcels del. if you want to leave your gardener a coffee so be it, as long as the cup is washed up properly, and you are using adequate hand washing etc,

Good advice from Icanhandthemback…..

…..*LynG6, your daughter is sounds like she is suffering from anxiety along with many people these days and she needs to get a handle on it but may need your help to do so. Teaching is a highly stressful job at the best of times and I expect that she knows that it is likely to be a devil's own job to get things back on track which will take a lot of hard work even without the worries of distancing. Although I understand all the arguments for telling your daughter that it is your house so your rules, I'm not sure that is terribly helpful at the moment and it is also her home. My advice would be to calmly ask your daughter not to speak to you in that way when she is being rude or moody, ignore her spraying the anti-bac and her comments about what you have bought. If you escalate things it will just mean that you have to live in an even more unpleasant atmosphere which would probably be even worse. Once this is over, you can make decisions about whether her time at home has reached the end*