Gransnet forums


Not allowed look after grandchildren

(29 Posts)
Juana Tue 21-Jul-20 13:26:43

I have looked after my 2GC Since they were babies, 8 years ago, just 2 days a week and overnight which was our special time, I have a wonderful bond with them. Now I am increasingly frustrated that I’ve only seen them 3 times ,for a short while in the garden , since February . They went back to school beginning of July and are now with the childminder . I cannot understand why I’m not allowed to have them or go to theirs,. I was helping with school work on FaceTime but that has stopped and we hardly FT at all now. I feel the bond is not as it was and I sorely miss the noise, chatter, laughter even the mess that we used to have. My DS says it’s too risky even though I hardly go anywhere. I don’t argue the case, it’s his children , and I’ve never interfered which he knows . What is the difference being at a childminders or at my house ?

Ilovecheese Tue 21-Jul-20 13:49:52

Perhaps it is that if you caught the virus from your grandchildren, they would have to carry that burden for the rest of their lives.
Your son seems to be protecting you all.

SueDonim Tue 21-Jul-20 14:06:23

Maybe your son is worried about you, rather than his children?

Lolo81 Tue 21-Jul-20 15:04:56

Juana, you don’t mention in your post what age you are or if you have any underlying health concerns - both of which would be huge determining factors in contact at the moment.
Additionally, the children may actually prefer being with the childminder if they have friends there which is hugely beneficial to their social development.
Given that your son deems it too risky to see you just now, it implies he is concerned about your health.

Juana Tue 21-Jul-20 18:24:41

I’m 70 but fit and healthy thank goodness as is DH. The childminder is a lovely woman and only has my 2 DG, my son wouldn’t let them go if there were other children there. It’s all very complicated! I’m a very hands on grandma, we have a lot of fun, my house is like a play school! I think you’re right, my son is probably trying to protect me. Thank you

Cher69 Tue 21-Jul-20 19:27:54

I think the same as Juan your son is probably thinking about your health with you being 70. My daughter was really worried about me because I have copd and fibromyalgia. But only in my 50s. She made sure I stayed in and went shopping for me. It's only the past few weeks we have had my grandson inside the house and it's only because I insisted. I would probably be the same with my mum if she was still alive. Because she was in her 80s and very active and independent. She would have hated it but she would have had to comply. Because I loved her and every day I had with her was precious. Your son probably feels the same way. Just protecting you. Big virtual hugs from me anyway. Sorry I am a hugger lol!

EllanVannin Tue 21-Jul-20 20:12:05

Not to worry, my D who looks after the GC is the same with me and I can neither visit nor will she allow them to come and see me. It's hard but I know it's for my own safety as they were attending school as well as seeing their regular friends.

Hithere Tue 21-Jul-20 20:55:26

Your son is worried about you, he loves you

Why did the FT stop? Even if there is no homework, could you still hold those videochats?

welbeck Tue 21-Jul-20 23:59:02

i'm sure you know that risk of severe illness from covid-19 is much greater the older you are.
age is the biggest risk factor, both for contracting the illness, and for being more severely affected by it, and risk of death.
however fit you are.
the over 70s are twice as likely to die from it than the over 60s.
so your family are protecting you. children are often carriers, esp if going to school, mixing with others.

Dorsetcupcake61 Wed 22-Jul-20 09:48:17

Your childeren are protecting you. I know it's very hard and upsetting. There are lots of high risk group members who feel they should be able to decide on the risk they take. They seem to be in the early stages of discovering how this virus is transmitted and under what conditions etc. As another poster has said imagine how devastated your family would be if they felt they had given you the virus. I think as lockdown restrictions ease those that are able are returning to a new normal and video calls etc reducing. Our need is greater than theirs. Maybe you could mention that you miss them and they can reintroduce them. ? You can always send cheery cards or notelets. In a world of smart technology getting something specifically for them through the post is really special. 😊

polnan Wed 22-Jul-20 10:03:26

now my eldest son with my gks.. lets me go there, both he and dil said when I first started going back there, it was my decision.
now my youngest ds, and we are very close, no children but both working, doesn`t want me visiting or they come here, he says he wants to protect me,,, so I have to accept their decisions...

Teddy123 Wed 22-Jul-20 10:29:54

I imagine your daughter is concerned about your health. Makes sense to me.
I'm happy for my grandchildren to pop by occasionally with their parents. Only in the garden!
I value their health and my own.
I miss cuddling but that's how we feel. Sad isn't it

Gingergirl Wed 22-Jul-20 10:37:13

You ask the difference between you and the childminder. I think that it’s that if the childminder got ill, they wouldn’t feel bad. It’s her business...and her choice. They would feel bad if you got ill. I’d accept the decision gracefully, try to continue with remote contact as necessary and look forward to the day when this is over.

BoBo53 Wed 22-Jul-20 10:41:28

We’re back to the normal childminding duties which we enjoy however the ‘we need to protect you Mum and Dad’ seems to have gone out of the window now the summer holidays are here. Covid is still around and both our daughter and our son’s partner work for the NHS! Hey ho just trusting as the R number is very low in our area that all will be well!
Not ideal though!

Gwenisgreat1 Wed 22-Jul-20 11:24:56

I know to begin with my DDs were reluctant to let me see the GC because my immune system is compromised. Recently i have been allowed their company which I do enjoy.

Juana Wed 22-Jul-20 11:34:59

Thank you everybody for your comments, I’m sure you are all right. I’m feeling sorry for myself as I miss the hugs and fun, feel redundant , can’t even look after the elderly lady I care for which is understandable. The FT gone to pot since they returned to school and childminder, mum needs the phone as works from home, dad needs his out at work, I think everyone too shattered in evening. Shame as I was teaching them Spanish and they want to carry on . At childminder 3 days but I don’t know what will happen to my 2 days.
Yes things could be a lot worse, am grateful we are all well. Just feeling down, human nature I suppose . Keep well everyone

Starblaze Wed 22-Jul-20 11:41:03

It won't be forever Juana and they know you will be there for years to come and need you healthy for that

Rhinestone Wed 22-Jul-20 12:45:58

JuanaCould you do a drive by where the DC are outside and you watch them from the street? Or would they come by and you could all social distance outside?

Clevedon Wed 22-Jul-20 12:54:25

I agree he is probably trying to protect you but at some stage we have to try to get back to the 'new' normal. Depending on our ages, health issues, we have to be sensible. My parents, the great grandparents are 87 and 89 and one has Parkinson's and have been safely lockdowned for 3 months but now decided they won't avoid grandchildren anymore. Stay as safe as possible, no cuddling, no kissing.

Kerenhappuch Wed 22-Jul-20 13:41:12

Most people with 'elderly' relatives are concerned for their health,not their own.

I'm now 64, and don't consider myself fragile in the slightest, but our sons do!

Corydal1s Wed 22-Jul-20 13:53:51

I understand how you feel . I am in a similar position but son's stepdaughter has been going to her dad's every other week as usual while my granddaughter hasn't been allowed to see us, except briefly and few video calls allowed as I mentioned things he says she can't now do ( like on line Beavers). Am very worried for GD as she came here for 1/2 each week, all the time for parent's holidays, several times a year and was with us full time for a year when dad had cancer. I'm not sure that at 7 she understands why she can't visit us .We were told that her stepmum wants to be her mother now as she can't work in lockdown, seems funny after 4 years of not bothering but have to abide by son's decision. By the way we are both fit and healthy and have been isolating ourselves since this started so no infection risk to anyone.

Saggi Wed 22-Jul-20 14:38:05

I’ve been in the same situation... doing all sorts for my two grandkids over the last 13 years ,.,,,fetching and getting from school .... babysitting..... taking to hospital appointments... dentists. I miss them astronomically! I’ve seen them in the garden twice with son-in-law..... but not with my daughter as she’s shielding! Don’t know what our relationships will be after it all ends.... but the groundworks’ been done, in the past 13 years, so I must hope it will stand me in good stead! You too will be back on track with your little ones very soon... and they’ll be running into our arms as before. We all just have to hang in there.

biba70 Wed 22-Jul-20 14:39:34

This is so so hard though - I am really struggling with this.

klerg000 Wed 22-Jul-20 17:57:16

In 1969 we has the Hong Kong flu I think and I was 10 years old and caught it at school. Nan lived with us and I gave it to her and she died she was 73 OF course Mum and dad said it was not my fault but it hurts to this day. Your family are protecting you because they love you. Your grand children will soon get back to the way there were with you one this is over. I do feel for you though

Bluecat Wed 22-Jul-20 20:01:52

It's the way it is now.... We miss our grandchildren terribly and long to have them at our house. However, the separation is in our interests, to protect us. You may be in good health but age makes you more vulnerable to this virus. We can't do anything to change this fact, so we have to be so careful.

There are signs of hope, though. Maybe a vaccine on the horizon, maybe a couple of drugs that will help to lessen the virus's effect. It will get better and the day will come when we can have our grandkids back.