Do leopards change their spots when they get really old?

My MIL was like that - an absolute bitch towards me, constantly criticising my hair, make-up, weight (at 9st she said I was fat), me as a mother. She never had a good word to say about her neighbours, either. Every single card and present she had for birthdays, Christmas, Easter and Mother's day were bought and sent by me (my husband wouldn't have bothered).

Once she got to about 80, she started being a bit nicer (by then I'd been married to her son for 30 years or so), but it was too late really for me. I continued with the presents, invitations for dinner and meals out, etc. She died at 87 and I've been able to say I did my utmost to be good to her, for my husband's sake.

I think maybe some forms of dementia may make leopards change character. My mother never changed though even in her 90s she had delusions of grandeur and was haughty and rude to people. Narcissistic I believe. I would suggest your friend needs to be cautious. I hope for her sake that a change has taken place.

My mother was horrific for much of my life. When she got to mid 60s/70ish, she started to be nicer. The old her was still in there, but she couldn't get away with being a bitch anymore. When she did that, she got ignored.

My brother was always the favourite. Then I got cancer and she had a change of heart there, too. He's still golden balls but I became a bit more popular.

Ultimately, it's done her no good. My feelings for her have stayed as they were as a child and young adult. I can't love her more just because she's had to change. I feel bad saying it, but it is how I feel.

Gajahgran

Some forms of dementia, such as vascular dementia, can cause personality changes. Alzheimer's disease, on the other hand, usually doesn't, until late in the disease. In fact, moderate stage Alzheimer's tends to cause exacerbation of pre-existing personality traits.

Agnurse, thank you. My mother was never diagnosed with dementia but as she got older her behaviour became very bizarre. When a family member researched narcissism my mother ticked all the signs. It was very difficult to deal with and also to keep her safe as she was very rude to people and had no empathy. We will never know now but we can only remember the good times and think of her with love.

No they just get more devious and sly.

I was widowed at 53 and my MIL had never liked me before that. The final straw was my first birthday after he died; she told me that ‘now I was nearly 60’ I should behave accordingly! I realised then - in a blinding flash of the obvious- that she was an old, sad lady who didn’t like me and never would. She couldn’t change her ways but I could change how I viewed her. If she had become all nicey-nicey I would have been v suspicious.

to answer your question

yes,,, I am not a bit like the person I used to be, especially as a teenager and early 20`s.

My mother was a nasty b****, and I blame her for many of the problems in my life. I left home early but have kept in touch with my siblings. From what they tell me, she actually got worse as she got older.

I don't think a nasty person changes - they just get more devious. Perhaps she is thinking that now she is older she may need someone to care for her so had better watch what she says - she is still the same person underneath.

Dementia can cause character changes, as can traumatic brain injury, you can find out more on the Alzheimer's Society website. As for brain injury, I worked on a brain injury team, and the changes in personality were usually for the worse, not the better. However, my late husband worked with a very clever but unpleasant man who had a brain injury when he turned his sports car upside down. When he recovered, he was a much nicer man, and he had great success as an inventor. Of course, I can't tell you his name, but some of you would recognise it.

Just a further thought: with many people, the first sign of dementia is apathy. Could it be that this lady has simply become apathetic?

The cynic in me thinks that at 87 she has realised that she is going to need someonebto care for her...

Could she have been depressed?PTSD? MH problems which are now being addressed?
Has she alluded to her past relationships or behaviour?
If your friend wishes to extend the hand of friendship she should do so.
What can the 87 year old do now that could be so awful?
If she does say something untoward, make a new decision.
Too much drama.

Perhaps she's realised that she may need/want to move in with you at some point as she ages; alternatively she realises she will need visitors if in a home.
Sorry - in cynical mood this morning!

It’s difficult isn’t it? I dearly love my 92 year old mother and do whatever I can to help her. But she hasn’t been a wonderful mother all my life. Lots of good things, but also lots of bad. She’s always been very opinionated, makes remarks about people that are very undiplomatic, tells people what they ‘should’ do, is totally and embarrassingly none politically correct, used to say some awful things to my Dad when he was alive, and yet she has been a good grandparent, she looked after Dad all his life very well and he loved her, she wasn’t a particularly loving mother but cared for us well, and has expressed love for us as we’ve grown older. She loves my husband who does so much for her, although she tried to ensure that my sister and I didn’t marry our choices.
There’s a lot more I could say, but I don’t want to be more specific. But she has definitely mellowed as she’s grown older. Whenever she leaves this world I will miss her, but there will I suspect, also be a sense of freedom.

My mother was also a narcissistic b**ch. From her 50's she also became very paranoid, accusing me and many other people of completely ridiculous things. However from about age 78 she seemed to become less angry about things, and in turn much sweeter. She died at 83 and I was glad I had some happy memories. Obviously mental illness was a long term factor.

shnackie
My mother also accused people of doing things they hadn’t done. It’s very hurtful. She doesn’t do it now, thank goodness. Nonetheless I love her, and want to remember her in a good light, and also I want to be able to say I did the right thing by her in her old age.

Since I’ve retired from a very demanding job, I’ve had time to reflect on my life and relationships. I’ve come to the conclusion that I wasn’t always a very nice person, although quite fun to be around, I’d often denigrate or mock ( in a ‘jokey’ way of course). I’m trying now to be a nicer, kinder and more thoughtful person. One or two old friends have noticed and say that I’ve ‘mellowed’ which is a start. Maybe your friend’s MIL has genuine regrets, I’d say, give her a chance, she only has a few years left to be a better person - there’s redemption for everyone I hope!

Maybe the mil is hoping to come and live with her.

Dylant234 - spot on!

My Mother was always extremely angry, volatile and unpredictable . She had Alzheimer's and became much more compliant and calmer. My sister and I decided she had forgotten what had happened to leave her so angry

My experience has sadly been that some nice people turn nasty in old age, due to some or other form of dementia.

I suppose others who haven't been nice might turn into nicer people.

Either way, it could be caused by dementia, but it could have other causes. I felt that my mother felt she had spent so much of her life behaving as others wanted her to, that she felt she had earned the right to say and do as she pleased in her old age.

An elderly person who changes into a nicer person may have realised that her former behaviour was wrong.

Just remember a leopard isn't a human.