Cooking bloopers you have made

I once left stuffed courgettes in the oven (switched off) and went on holiday for two weeks. They were fluffy when I returned.

My best was an apple and mincemeat pie, made from scratch shortly after Christmas when we had guests.
When I took it out of the oven the whole thing somehow slid off the pie plate - straight into our dog’s bed, where it mingled with bits of Bonio and plenty of dog hair.
I honestly wasn’t even particularly pissed!

Lucca In that case I have spent many a happy hour reading to my granddaughter, courtesy of your friend!!

Aldom

Lucca Would that be Bristol University? Mmm

Hmm !! Yes

Some years ago we had friends visiting, it was a Sunday and I was cooking a traditional roast beef lunch. Friends arrived, the meat was in the oven, the vegetables all prepared and the Yorkshire pudding batter ready.

We had an hour, so we took our friends along to a rather nice pub/restaurant for a glass of wine. A most convivial hour passed by. When we returned, there was, coming from the kitchen, a strong smell of beef. Strange, I know that I didn't leave the heat on high.

On opening the oven door I saw that I had forgotten to close the tinfoil over the top of the beef, it had shrunk to the size of a chop. Vegetarian, anyone?

A phone call to the same pub, can you help? I explained our predicament, they came to our rescue, a little late but none the less we had our roast beef lunch. But every time from then on that we ate at that pub, someone would invariably say: "Hello, have you burned the beef again?"

Let’s just say that my dad said I can burn a salad. ?

Lucca Would that be Bristol University? Mmm

The rice story reminded me of the first time I made dumplings. The recipe said divide into four portions, but there didn’t look to be a lot so I just put it in in one piece. Twenty minutes later the dumpling was puthering over the side of the saucepan with the lid sitting on the top! I’ve never seen my children laugh so much!

Ha ha ha Grannynannyw Can just imagine you with the pots of rice swelling up all over the hob! ??

Sorry about the Viennetta ?

The first time I cooked what I thought was 2 portions of rice I used 3 saucepans. It swelled up and filled the first pot and I quickly transferred it to the next size pot which threatened to spill over and I moved it to a third( unfortunately I carried out the manoeuvre over the cooker instead of the sink) I often think of it when I read my GC the Magic Porridge Pot story.

By the time I was finished I had 3 dirty pots. a mountain of overcooked rice and a very messy hob.

Now after reliving that trauma from 40 years ago I find out that Viennetta is no longer a sophisticated dessert!

Puzzler61 what have you done to me??

When I was first married, I made a chocolate cake, but I hadn't got a cake tin, so I used an earthenware dish. It was still raw at the end of the baking time, so I put it in the oven for longer. It took hours and then it was like a brick! I put it in the garden for the birds. After three days it was still the same size, so I eventually had to throw it in the bin.

Back when we thought Viennetta was a sophisticated dessert, I bought one for guests and made a chocolate sauce from a recipe I found. All I had to do was melt Mars Bars. Easy.

Well I served it to the table and we all chewed on it like a dog with a bone. When the warm ‘sauce’ hit the ice cream it had gone solid - more solid than it started out - and it just couldn’t be chewed.
We laughed a lot, threw it away and my friends have reminded me of it many times since.

Or maybe boiled bloopers with chips & vinegar?
?

Framilode

Lucca this driving me mad and I am no nearer.

She wrote the books!

Really Urmston? .. I like them served jellied with eels and liquor.
Or fricassee of bloopers with tripe ... mmm ?
(I never flash fry them Ann)

Urstongran bloopers are best flash fried very briefly after dusting with seasoned flour.
You can then eat them with salad veg or sole your clogs with them.

When newly married I bought some Conga Eel steaks which looked a bit like cod cutlets. I cooked them for a short time, after which they were like rubber and smelled disgusting. I then decided to cook them in liquid slowly for a long time, after which they became more and more smelly and tough. They went in the bin!

The first time I bought brussels sprouts for the two of us from the greengrocer, I asked for something like 2lb and they filled my shopping bag! I was too embarrassed to change my mind about the quantity, Did something similar with beef mince too.

I don’t think I’ve ever cooked ‘bloopers’.
?

I had a vile cooking mishap a few weeks ago.

My GS won't eat anything that looks like a vegetable, is a vegetarian AND is allergic to tomatoes. He does like pasta though so I decided to try to make a lasagne with a mushroom based sauce, instead of tomatoes. I had to blend the cooked mushrooms because otherwise he wouldn't eat them.

It looked vile. I tasted a tiny bit to check it tasted as disgusting as it looked. It did. Urgh.

I'm afraid they responded with "Can we see it first".

???

My cooking is erratic, but my children learned to deal with it.

We were visiting a relative who offered them a slice of sponge cake.

I'm afraid they responded with "Can we see it first".

So happy to know I'm not the only one. The 'couscous' made with oatmeal comes to mind. There was also, long ago, an episode when I took the valve off the pressure cooker before it de-pressurised and the ceiling was covered in tomato soup. Luckily we had our tallest friend staying with us that weekend.

MawB

I used to cook semi-professionally for rich old dears in Westminster and Kensington/Chelsea.
One week I had a new customer who wanted a Hungarian Goulash.
Perhaps my accidental use of Cayenne Pepper instead of Paprika in a moment of shortsightedness accounts for her never ordering from me again ???

Oh dear!
That is my SIL's speciality, he makes a mean goulash.

Lucca

I remember a university friend(now extremely famous) putting a tea bag in the boeuf bourgignon instead of bouquet garni - oh how sophisticated we thought we were!

Oh go on, don't be a spoil sport, tell us

When we were first married I tried to make gravy by mixing SR flour and Bisto powder into hot water.

My disasters are too many to mention, including the polythene bag in the turkey, banana cakes like lead, disintegrated gammon done in the slow cooker.
(Where's phoenix?)
The gluten free pastry, so hard it was impossible to cut, nearly decapitated a pigeon when I threw it into the garden.

Should say this is driving me mad, and it is.