Uncalled for comments

Another phrase that gets on my nerves on here is, 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.'

It's a rather patronising way of saying, 'Why don't you just shut up?'

Every time I see it I think, 'Oh no. Not that old chestnut again.'

I think the correct quote is, 'If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all' - attributed to Thumper's mother (or father) but then that would have the grammar police out with their red pens.

Oh thanks greeneyedgirl, I havent seen that, I dont mind being told I am kind but being told to be kind worries me . But you see it is subjective you think I am kind but the Brookfield actors wouldn't agree if they read it!

jenpax

These posts Always get me anxious! I start reviewing any comments I have made on any thread in case I appeared unkind ??‍♀️

Yes, I know what you mean; and meanwhile, if anyone has been consistently unkind (and if anyone has, it has passed me by), presumably they will be blissfully unaware, or they won't care anyway.

This sort of post (the OP, not yours!) is pointless, as it will almost never hit home, and it just causes anxiety and recriminations, so is not, itself, particularly kind.

Another phrase that gets on my nerves on here is, 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.'

It's a rather patronising way of saying, 'Why don't you just shut up?'

Every time I see it I think, 'Oh no. Not that old chestnut again.' hmm

Difficult when everyone has a different definition of 'nice'.

I know what you mean merlotgran. I think these types of phrases are a sort of virtue signalling, but hey, non of us are completely perfect.
I suppose it’s “virtue signalling” that I’m not completely perfect (a sort of inverted virtue signalling ha ha)

Well for what it’s worth I agree with the OP. This subject has come up before and nothing changes. Of course there is no problem disagreeing but personal attacks are unnecessary and hurtful. I have occasionally ‘stood up’ for someone being picked on or bullied by a number of posters (and been thanked by them in pms) but that leads to attacks on me too. I expect I shall now be accused of virtue signalling or worse.

Galaxy

I hate be kind, everyone has a completely different idea of what be kind means. It also often means shut up. I am not referring to op in this instance I just think be kind is a fairly pointless phrase.

I have to say I agree, Galaxy. The be kind thing grates on me. I’ve seen some far from kind people say it to shut down any criticism or opposition. I’m happy if people are fair and civil.

I dislike all those fridge magnets, wooden hearts and framed pictures with cajoling words on them. "Be kind, be happy, Laugh, Love etc. etc." The words loose their relevance when I see them everywhere.

A few observations:
Most of the people on Gransnet communicate their ideas and opinions very well. Only a few seem to have difficulty.

Squabbles usually happen when a comment is worded clumsily or taken the wrong way. On the other hand, shaming, name calling, personal attacks, deliberately aimed slights and innuendo are all equally destructive because they diminish the value of an otherwise healthy debate.

Barring those who break the rules of conduct, there are some comments that could use a bit of polish. Let's assume good faith and give the benefit of doubt, to people who inadvertently make less than perfect contributions.

My final thought is that we should all be able to jump in and (respectfully) disagree and disapprove, and to speak our minds candidly ..... if we didn't, I suspect these threads could get quite boring very quickly!

Imo Gn is for all kinds of people to say what they like as long as they don't break the guidelines. If they want their halo polished, why not? If they want advice, why not? If they want to be controversial, why not? If I am not interested in a thread or feel I have nothing useful to contribute I simply don't post on it, I see no need to be unpleasant

I don't know what 'kind' means to everyone else so perhaps just 'not unkind' is better? I hope I put my points across without being unkind, if unsure I ask a question but the 'usual suspects' often don't respond or ask me questions as if they haven't seen my named ones.

I think there are some quite grumpy people on here, fortunately not many but I wonder why they are so unhappy in themselves they feel the need to hurt others. Heyho, such is life.

I’m clearly missing something here - what exactly is kind about describing some posters as making sharp and catty
(sexist) language? Perhaps they we’re having a really bad day and the OP has made them feel even more rubbish?

(Sexist language).

Wow some real passive aggressive comments coming up now

My thoughts are would you say unpleasant things if they were sat alongside you?
If some one posts advice or info just take on board the advice/info you want and leave it at that.
This site is not FB and lets all keep it that way.

Sarahmob You’ve got them coming out to play now. Don’t stop posting and don’t feel the need to apologise. You had every right to start this thread. There are lots of nasty, bullying posts on here in general and the worst culprits are always very quick to report when someone challenges them. All bullies hate it when someone stands up to them.

FWIW my pet hate are the posters that invent posts and attribute them to someone and then castigate them for such non existent posts. There’s a lot of that that goes on.

suziewoozie I fully agree with your last three posts.

These fluffy ‘be kind, be nice to each other’ comments I think irritate a lot of people as they sound too much like the utterings of a certain absent Duchess!

All spoken of course with the hands clasped over the heart and eyes skyward!

I’m not sure about catty (which seems to me to be a slightly outdated term used against women), but certainly I have come across some unkind comments.

This should be a supportive forum and although strong debate is good, I do feel that if people cannot say anything nice they should not say anything?

Well I agree about the sentimental fridge magnets etc but the point is you can disagree with another persons opinion without attacking them personally. None of us likes to be called names.

There are lots of nasty, bullying posts on here.

Would you care to point them out?

Chewbacca wrote:

"I suppose it all depends upon what a poster is looking for when they start a thread, whether it's a debate, a chat, advice or support and a friendly ear. Those who respond may not always appreciate what it is that the OP is looking for and that can lead to a mismatch of expectations."

I agree, I wonder if the website controller is aware of this problem.

I do feel that if people cannot say anything nice they should not say anything?

[groan]

Surely there is a way to express your view without being unkind. You don't have to agree with people, you just don't have to call people preachy or refer to them as virtue signalling. If you are having a bad day, surely you can say so so at least we know why you are being more forceful with your views or at least acknowledge that you might being a little more bullish than normal. You don't have to be kind, just don't be unkind. There's blunt and there's bullying. There's a world of a difference. And yes, it is normally the same few people who usually seem to gang up together.

Is there a kind way of saying "you are wrong"?

Yes. Just say I disagree. I think you are wrong. My view is ...
Not a problem.