daughter wants to terminate at 16 weeks

Luckygirl I agree but there’s a recurrent theme with some posters that people must not consider grandchildren as ‘theirs” in any way!!

hyperemesis gravidarum is far worse, much more severe, than morning sickness. It's almost continuous nausea, retching, dehydration, weight loss and dizziness. It's so totally debilitating that your daughter should probably be cared for in hospital.

I do think that some of the comments to OP about this "not being about you" are a bit harsh. She is going through a miserable time and any of us would have felt a lift to know a new GC is on the way.

I hope that your DD can get the help she needs whatever she decides; better treatment for her HG or a termination.

You have all my sympathy OP.

oopsadaisy my apologies, I should have read the OP again

What a sorry situation you are in!
I hope your DD can get some real help with the persistent sickness.
I am surprised that she would be offered a termination for this alone, unless she is suicidal. I feel if it was less of a secret, she would be able to access proper help. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

As for your situation: I am sorry too. Your DDs pregnancy will have been such a welcome distraction after your betrayal by a husband who you have stuck with for so long.
I hope that the stories shared on here will give you the strength you need to face the future, whatever it brings.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
My own personal experience of "morning" sickness was it began almost before I was sure I was pregnant and I vomited in the street once. It could be any time of day. At about 20 weeks I realised I didn't feel sick any more. I had 4 x DC and the first (pregnancy) was the worst.

Your poor daughter.

What do you try to tell her that she gets defensive?

I agree with Statblaze.
This is not about you, your gc is not prozac and your purpose in life cannot depend on other people but yourself.

"She was so happy and apart from the normal worries this was some great news and gave me a new feeling of purpose as she sais she would my help and i was willing to give it."

Place face your life and what you want to do about being cheated on.

I believe this condition is extremely distressing and debilitating and I can quite understand why your daughter wants to terminate the pregnancy.

I thought that this condition could now be treated quite successfully. The Duchess of Cambridge suffered from it and, from my recollection, it was very successfully treated but perhaps she had more care taken.

I think your daughter should be getting far more support as she must be absolutely desperate to consider the termination of a presumably wanted baby. Her GP should immediately be informed of the seriousness of the situation so that she can be referred to a specialist.

If she were my daughter, although I would be sad I would not be disappointed in her and would certainly not convey any disappointment I may feel to her. She must feel mentally and physically drained and the last thing she needs is her mother to make her feel worse than she already feels.

Jane OP mentioned that a Grandchild might fill a void in her life.

Sorry I pressed "preview" and clocked on "Post" tutt
MrsWarren's suggestions are spot on! And worth a try.Also sadly if your daughter really would like children then she may be prone to Hyperemesis G each time.I found not getting too hungry helped,tiny nibbles of dry crackers and sips of water helped.
I hope tomorrow things seem clearer and your daughter gets through this with your support

MrsWarren Spot on it’s exactly like that! I wish I had known about these meds when I had my children! I too couldn’t care for my older daughter(s) during the second and third pregnancies. I literally couldn’t leave my bed, even moving my head slightly would set off the vomiting! I damaged my oesophagus too and became a candidate for an IV drip! Meanwhile my MIL suggested ginger biscuits for “morning sickness!!!” I couldn’t keep water down even!!
My daughters got Ondansetron and it was a life changer! They all had lovely healthy babies.

I am so sorry that you're having a very hard time.I really feel for you.I too had Hyperemesis G,I was sick literally days after I concieved(not planned but much loved) I already had 2 young children and a useless husband,but I persevered.I was hospitalized by 5 weeks.It was horrendous but never did the thought even cross my mind to terminate! As bad as I was I was over the worst by 16 weeks and able to function.Maybe your daughter is exhausted and overwhelmed and then add in a Pandemic,a partner miles away,hormones and feeling like death! If it was my daughter I'd try talking and offering facts,as she may start to pick up as the weeks go on.
As for your husband,you need to be able to move on.What a horrible time for you.I applaud you for working through this nightmare year for the NHS

yes, and yet. She may one day get once over this sickness and possible depression, turn out to blame you for not trying harder to stop her. So hard.

This is my first post. I made an account specifically to reply to you CS1958.

I, like your daughter, suffered hyperemesis gravidarum. In my first pregnancy I was able to control the worst of my symptoms with medication. Second pregnancy, I was bed bound for the entire 9 months, I retched so often that I had tears in my oesophagus, I was in and out of hospital for IV fluids and on a combination of medications (Cyclizine, Prochlorperazine and Ondansetron). I couldn’t brush my hair or wash. I couldn’t even read my toddler a bed time story.

I understand her desire to terminate. At my worst, I often thought about termination and how it would free me from the absolute hell I was living. Unless you have had HG you cannot understand how bad it is.

What medication has she been prescribed? The most common is usually Cyclizine. This doesn’t work for everyone so it is important to push to find something that does work. Ondansetron is by far the best medication (but it expensive and not routinely prescribed) and I would urge your daughter to push for it. There are also steroid treatments that can be explored. Has she been checked for dehydration? She may need IV fluids.

A female consultant said to me that it is shameful the way some medical professionals discount HG sufferers and their symptoms and that the medical community generally need to be educated on how severe the condition is and that there are a variety of medications to try when one doesn’t work. The medications are absolutely safe for baby.

Could you move in with her whilst her husband is away and remove the burden of housework from her? Bring her whatever food she feels she can stomach, keep her company (even if that company is sitting downstairs whilst she lies in her bed)? I could only tolerate salted crisps, small bites of mashed potatoes and sips of flat Coke.

Your daughter wants this baby so you need to imagine how bad she is feeling to be considering this option. I understand that you are upset, but please consider how devastated your daughter will be feeling. Please support her in whatever she decides. If she decides to terminate, share your upset with a trusted friend, not her. She needs your support.

Nothing to add to all the kind, supportive comments here other than to say how sorry I am that you and your daughter are both in such difficult places. I hope your daughter sees herGP and gets support.

Has your daughter told her GP that she feels so desperate, and asked for further specialist help?

I hope she is able to do that, and that she can continue the pregnancy with her much wanted baby.

I suffered from horrendous hyperemesis in all 3 pregnancies and sadly my 3 daughters have had the same condition when pregnant.
I totally relate to how she feels, I remember discussing termination with my DH during the last pregnancy as soon as I discovered I was pregnant, as I was so scared of going through it again! I was literally bed ridden for all three pregnancies for the whole time was vomiting continuously, became severely dehydrated And lost more weight than I gained with the babies however I did come through those very dark days and I know now that help is there in a way that it wasn’t a few decades ago as my daughters were prescribed very effective medication from the hospitals when they sought help.

I don’t think it’s quite fair to imply that the OP wants her daughter to keep the baby to ‘fill a void’ in her own life.
I believe in a woman’s right to choose.
But I also know that I would grieve for a child lost at 16 weeks, whether through miscarriage or through a termination.

OP I feel for you & hope your daughter gets specialised help & care she needs, as others have suggested.

SueDonim - crossed posts. You beat me to it!

CS1958 my heart goes out to your daughter and to you. You have been honest about your personal feelings and they are valid. Firstly, I think that if your daughter feels so ill that she is considering termination and if she has only been managed by her GP, she should really be seen by the Obstetric team as there is a wide range of drugs that can really help with this horrible condition. The GP will not necessarily be able to prescribe in the same way as a hospital consultant. Obviously the eventual choice will be hers.
Another thing that she might not have considered is that future fertility is not guaranteed should she decide to try again later in life. Someone very close to me has recently discovered that she has gone through premature menopause at the age of 36. She longs for a baby and is obviously devastated.
I do hope that you can all find some resolution and peace.

What a tragic situation, CS1958.

Leaving aside your marriage, I’d hope that your dd has been offered all the help available to manage her condition. I’ve been badly affected in 2/4 pregnancies and it’s utterly miserable. She should be under the care of a specialist in HG as she’s suffering so much, not just a GP.

FWIW, in one of my pregnancies, the condition lifted as suddenly as it arose. I woke up one morning and before I even opened my eyes, I knew that I was better and that the worst was behind me. I sincerely hope that day comes very soon to your daughter. X

You are having a difficult time CS1958 Troubles never come singly do they. As Oopsadaisy said you need to separate the two issues.
Your daughter must be struggling with all this, I expect she has talked through treatment options with her Dr. Hyperemesis is very distressing and debilitating. From your point of view a baby is not going to fill the void in your life, you need to deal with your marital situation however difficult that seems.
I hope both you and your daughter can resolve the problems in your lives, I sympathise with you both.

This is an awful situation and your daughter sounds like she is having an awful time.

I understand you being upset but I think you are putting too much on your daughter here. It's not fair to want her physical and mental health to suffer so that you can fill a void.

If your daughter does make a choice to carry on with the pregnancy you STILL need to address this.

The problems in your life cannot be resolved by distraction or ignoring them to focus on other people or situations.

You need to work out what You want to do with Your life and find happiness for yourself rather than depend on others to provide it.

I didn’t want to ignore your post. You must be devastated. I hope with all my heart your daughter changes her mind. There is nothing you can do unfortunately. You cannot influence her. Could her husband not get compassionate leave in this emergency, she sounds as if she desperately needs him.

Probably needs to urgently see GP again, to treat both physical (is she hydrated) and mental (depression?) health. Irrespective of her decision, would it be feasible for you to move in for a while? She must feel very lonely on her own, it may help you too.
I can only wish you luck and for you both to end up in a better situation. X

I feel for you, CS1958. It must be very difficult for you not to tell your daughter how you feel, but of course that would be a bad idea.

I don't see her decision as living two lives, though - to me it's more that she has made a personal choice about her life and she prefers to keep that to herself. It's really nobody else's business, although of course it won't be easy to tell lies to others - if you have to.

On the other hand, if she goes through with the termination she will lose the baby, which is all you have to say. The fact that she has opted for the procedure is incidental to the result, however difficult that is to accept, and it is absolutely not for you to feel ashamed.

I hope you can come to terms with her decision, as it looks like you are going to need one another over the coming months. The last thing she needs is to pick up on shame or disapproval from you, just as the last thing you need is to alienate her.