My hip replacement came as quite a shock. The left hip had been getting worse, I thought that I had injured it and that it would heal, in time.
My doctor had me lay on the couch, she placed both hands on my right thigh and rolled it back and forth like a rolling pin. When she repeated that procedure on my left thigh the pain was so intense that I involuntarily grabbed her arm, just to stop her. She just smiled and said, I think you need an x-ray.
The x-ray confirmed my doctor's prognosis. But instead of going on the waiting list I went private and chose The Nuffield group.
The operation is quite brutal but the epidural means that my lower body was all but paralysed and I felt nothing. You might laugh but I wasn't worried about the surgery, what I was dreading was being catheterised.
But even that was a breeze, after all, there was no sense of feeling below the waist. After surgery I was in a small room, more like a hotel room than a hospital ward. The nurse assigned to me was an absolute dear. She was so professional.
The antiseptic swab on my body has to come off. A bath or shower were both out of the question. My nurse, whose Nigerian accent had to be listened to, so that I didn't keep saying sorry, what did you say?
What she was saying was that although they do their best, in hospital you must expect that modesty and dignity take second place to a speedy recovery.
She had a bowl of warm sudsy water ready to wash off the antiseptic swab. She lathered up a face flannel, and said: "You wash the crown jewels," then she took the flannel, turned me around and wiped straight between my buttocks, saying: "And I will do the credit card swipe."
A day later and I was having my new hip x-rayed. It's not like x-rays of old, it's now digital, the image is an actual image. I saw my own hip on the computer screen. "Is it possible to have a copy of that?" I asked the radiographer. "Give me your phone number," she replied. Once back in my room I saw a text message on my phone, a picture message. It's my hip replacement. I was discharged the following day, but I heeded medical advice and didn't return to work for twelve weeks.