Is this normal?

I think you have hit the nail on the head BlueBelle with your analyzing of her character.

Wouldn’t it be simpler just to phone when you arrive and say you are early, is it OK to come in?

That’s not to say she was right. No way should she have treated you the way she did and not in front of gs. You are obviously having to walk on eggshells. I am just trying to think how you could diffuse the situation. Have you tried abject apology and the phrase ‘I understand’ in a sympathetic voice. It might make her feel worm like and realise how awful she has been without any aggro on your part.

*I can totally understand you not wanting to rock the boat and not see your grandson greeneyes but your daughter sounds mentally ill
This is NOT normal behaviour She sounds very out of control so she is grabbing back that control by exercising it on what she sees as the ‘weakest’ person How on earth does she behave with your grandson if he does anything wrong?*

I have to agree!

As you say she is only like this with you then I definitely think that the "I will not stay to be shouted at and abused approach" and then leaving is the right one. She sounds very angry with you but is that actually just that with you she feels she can "get away with it"? Is her partner aware of this? And I am not surprised that you are concerned that your grandson saw this behaviour towards you, poor child must be totally confused and worried. His dad should be aware of that!

U.K. where did that come from??? ?

She does sound on the edge Greeneyes to be so Curt and unkind to your mum just for arriving a bit early is unnaturally horrid Why not say I m up to my eyes in it mum can you grab yourself a cuppa and sit in the room while I get ready

It sounds as if she can’t bear being out of control and then she spits the venom to counteract her fear of being in a situation not of her making
I would think she has a mental health or an anxiety problem that she’s not dealing with although if she’s not like it with others that’s really a head scratcher unless she sees your kindness as weakness and like the class bully let’s rip on the weakest link
Whatever way it is it’s unacceptable and I m glad your husband is going to have a word
Good
U.K. it’s not a nice situation and you sound a kind person with only her best interest at heart

She does have a partner, and I don't feel she is that way with her son, but I will try and ask him in a subtle way. She doesn't treat her father that way, he was so shocked when I told him and said he will go and talk to her about it. I appreciate all you comments .

And no one has the right to be abused in any shape or form arriving early to babysit shouldn’t have triggered off this type of behaviour and I certainly wouldn’t be waiting in the car for no one - nor should we take any sort of abuse from anyone so sorry for those who get abuse from their family it must feel so bad

Sometimes best not to say how we feel it can trigger off the worse in others especially at this time. Reading messages about relationships breaking down my neighbours have had a testy time of it lately so much in fact they’ve separated he’s been to court for something which I’m unaware of, no matter it’s none of my business but I am sad they’re no longer together

I can totally understand you not wanting to rock the boat and not see your grandson greeneyes but your daughter sounds mentally ill
This is NOT normal behaviour She sounds very out of control so she is grabbing back that control by exercising it on what she sees as the ‘weakest’ person How on earth does she behave with your grandson if he does anything wrong?
It sounds as if she’s a single mother (as no mention of a partner) with a stressful job and she is taking it out on whoever she can I do hope your grandson doesn’t get this behaviour from her

She really does need to see a doctor but I doubt if she will

You are right Canadiangran. She is not a loving daughter. She swore in my face and said I was f.........g crazy for not understanding why she is so angry. I told her she needs help with anger management. But she said I need professional help. And she want see me or talk to me until I do. Go figure crazy generation.

I wouldn't accept that treatment. You say she is a good and loving mother, but she certainly isn't a good and loving daughter, yelling and screaming at you in front of her son. That is not good parenting.

Sounds like she has some anger issues to resolve, and i would be a bit worried for the boy.

I know what I would say but it would not be allowed on gransnet.com

i can understand being flustered by someone arriving earlier than expected, but the reaction sounds extreme.
when i arrived early to drive someone to something, i would wait in the car. she would come out and tell me to come in. i puzzled, said what for, wondering if she'd changed her mind about going. she said come inside to wait. but i'd say no, it's ok, don't hurry, we have plenty of time, and i have the radio. i didn't want to distract her from getting ready to go out. she said i was the only person not to come in. i couldn't see the point, we had the purpose of going out, not spending the evening in her house, so why go in.
i regard seeing people, going to work, meetings etc as going on stage. one needs prior time apart to prepare.

So sorry Greeneyes57 Covid is definitely putting relationships and people through the mill.

A few years ago my niece who Id always done a lot for, had an absolutely brutal, unprovoked go at me in public. She did apologise afterwards, but I could never trust her again because she used mental health as an excuse and while I do know mental health can cause all kinds of issues, I still think people need to take responsibility for their actions and how it makes people hurt.

There wasn't a child involved, though. I think if I was you, Id do everything to disengage from her and stay well away from her just to see your Grandchild. You don't deserve to be treated like that, but you don't want to lose that bond with him, either.

Totally unacceptable behaviour in my opinion. 15 minutes early is nothing. What would have happened if she was 15 minutes late coming home?

I would not contact your daughter until she had apologized.
I don't believe we, as grandparents, are the ones who should always be treading on eggshells around our children's bad behaviour. Call it out for what it is don't look for excuses and accept it.

COVID is NOT and excuse for everything albeit I do accept that it has in many cases placed extra stress on people.

Because my grandson in innocent in all this Bluebell, So I should just walk away when my grandson is excited to spend time with me. I can't hurt him that way.

She has treated me like that for a while now. No she doesn't treat others like that just me. I'm over it and chose not to accept anymore. She is a great mother, her son is very happy and well adjusted. He a beautiful intelligent 8yr old. But I'm upset that he witnessed our fight. She screams in my face and I cry. So it is a sad situation really. Then she says she loves me after treating me that way.

I sat outside, as I didn't feel comfortable in the house. She said if I arrive early next time wait in the car. Quite pathetic really. I love my grandson who is 8 I have lokkdd after him since he was a baby. I do not want to not see him.

Greeneyes has she treated you in this way for a long time or only recently? Does she behave like this with others or is it just you?

It isn't normal or appropriate behaviour which I think you know. This isn't "controlling situations" it is just plain odd behaviour and her behaviour to you was abusive.

Are you concerned that she s mentally ill, and if you are, are you sure your Grandson is ok? If she is mentally ill then maybe you can help her to see that she needs help if she will listen. Asking her why your early arrival upset her and then listening might be a way in?

If she just behaves like this towards you then it is definitely about her realising she cannot behave like that to you and that you will not tolerate it. I have to say in your position as you described, I would have driven home after being told to sit in the car and would not have babysat. As it is she didn't have a babysitter because she threw you out but at least if you had just left then you would have made a clear choice and given a clear message!

I wonder how you reacted when she started shouting ...you said an argument developed? Was there shouting on both sides? Maybe a policy of just refusing to engage when she starts that sort of behaviour would get the message over. Stating "I am happy to discuss this but will not stand here and be shouted at so I am leaving" ...and leave!

If you do decide to contact her maybe it needs to be to give a clear message about not tolerating being treated in that way and that if there is a problem you are happy to discuss it sensibly but not if it is just being shouted at.

I am sorry that this has happened to you

I don’t get your daughters behaviour but I certainly don’t get yours either greeneyes why would you go like a dog with your tail between your legs and wait in the car for 15 mins like a naughty child like others have said then was the time to drive off no respect no babysitting

Hmmmm from me too

No drugs or Alcohol involved.

Thankyou Sodapop. I agree with everything you said.

Covid is very mild here in Australia, not so severe as in other countries. So it is not because of that. She has treated me that way for some time now. I'm just over the name calling.

Thankyou BlueSky, I have decided not to contact her as I have had enough of her treating me that way. I do want to see my grandson though. But my daughter needs to realize this not acceptable. To those who don't believe me, it is true, I could have written note but it would have been to long. She likes to control situations.