Birthdays

I always book my birthday off work and do something special - Afternoon Tea, theatre etc. I will be 60 on 23 Dec and I've been saving for 2 years for a big celebration or trip abroad. I love birthdays, Christmas and presents!

We don’t buy presents, don’t give cards either! It goes back a few years ago when after a very difficult patch I decided not to acknowledge our birthdays or even Christmas by giving gifts. Sad I know but the joy of doing these things had been taken away from me.

For yourself ask him to write you out a cheque in your name and then put into your bank account to choose a present for yourself.

So Give him the money/cash or a cheque written out to him - 20 pound note or more or whatever and say buy it and order for yourself. End of !!

You could make a donation to a charity donation of your choice and say I bought you a gift I wanted like you bought me a gift what you wanted for Christmas . Do you understand my meaning ?

Love all your messages and many do resonate! I have previously suggested a gift when he is insistent but he never buys anything I suggest. I do think he may have undiagnosed aspergers. As for getting through my books, I was planning on a quiet year before Covid hit, then it went crazy at work and I also have lots of work reading to do! Maybe this year I’ll get more reading in!

If he bought you a book that he wants, re-gift it back to him!

I've always found it best to remind my DH and DAC when my birthday is coming up and to tell them exactly what I want. I also organise a party to celebrate. If I didn't do it that way (and I've learnt from experience) I'd be lucky if anyone remembered the date.

Saying ‘ buy me whatever’ isn’t a reply to ‘what shall I get you for your Birthday’ if he won’t organise a Charity Donation then tell him you will buy yourself something for him to wrap up for you, at least he wants to give you something.
As you know what he likes, Authors etc. It can’t be that hard to choose something to give him on his Birthday surely?

I'm dying to know what book was it?

I love birthdays. My husband isn’t bothered. I never had a party as a child and one year my parents forgot it, I was 11. I like to celebrate every year and I like to celebrate my children’s too, but they are adult now and tend to do their own thing. So many due young, so every year is a blessing.

You both sound like hard work

Gifts are for the young who would like and/ or need something. When we are older our main needs are met and we just need to enjoy each other every day. All this silliness is rather dispiriting

Anybody else get 3 large sacks of bird seed from Morrison’s , knocked down for their birthday ? This was for my bird table and it was a battle to get it into my large metal bread bins before the rats got it : The garden birds are happy ! ?

If my DH acted like this, I would not buy him a present, end of. However, as I essentially said up thread. I see this behaviour as a symptom, not a cause and think some serious discussion needs to take place in this partnership.

I'm really sorry to say this but your husband's behaviour sounds very manipulative and obviously makes you unhappy. With it looking very likely that we will be firmly locked down soon, you can't really do much other than an online order so maybe an Amazon voucher is the best bet. As nothing that you've done so far pleases him, you don't have much to lose! Hope you treat yourself to something nice.

I made a list of things I'd like, from art and craft up to a camera! Was very pleased then to be given presents from my husband at Xmas ticked off the list. And with a January birthday looming....I get the camera!

I feel sorry for the OP. It is sad when adults in a relationship can't talk to each other in a way that resolves the problem.

Try getting him a book on relationships, if you think he would read it, or write him a letter saying that his behaviour makes you sad and how much more happy he would make you if he were able to .............. (whatever) when it comes to presents/ birthdays etc.

Why do you ask him what he wants? why don't you just leave it - if you don't want to do presents, don't do them.

My sister is 58 and I’m 60. We decided long ago that sending each other gifts was a bit daft, so as Daddima suggests, we say “send me a beautiful card and get yourself something for about £30, and say it’s from me”. And we both really like it! If your husband is being silly, buy him something you would really like (lovely undies or nice shoes), and tell him you hope he really likes them (on you).

Thanks for your support Nashville ?

Well Ellie I’m sorry if I come across as a miserable git because at the age I am, I don’t feel the need to act as though I am a child again.

I am not a sad, lonely old woman, I have a DH, 2 adult children and 5 grandchildren. Am happy to acknowledge their birthdays, make cakes for them and give them presents and cards, but don’t feel the need for a huge fuss and shebang over my own.

Since your birthdays are both in January, why don't you either have a day out (when this is allowed again), have lunch then go and buy something each or for the house or go to a show . Or - gently remind him you both have different ideas about birthdays, and suggest you get each other a card but each spend an agreed amount on something you want (ior you could donate to charity if you prefer).
His behaviour does sound a bit strange and childish - is there something behind this from his childhood? We've all got our foibles though!
We've stopped buying each other Christmas presents and sometimes go shopping in the January sales instead. We buy each other birthday presents, but often suggest what we'd like. I am lucky, though, that my husband is very good at choosing clothes or jewellery etc for me even if I'm not with him. He's often even better than me at spotting some item of clothing in a shop that suits me!
Good luck!

I wouldn’t bother if he buys you things that you don’t want or like what’s the point. I know what I would do if I was in that situation is to treat myself to something I like, such as favourite perfume, jewellery clothes books. And I would do that every birthday.

I like the empty box idea

Just a card will do with a fiver in