Birthdays

grandtanteJE65 Mon 04-Jan-21 11:01:13

Very thoughtful comment. I wish I'd seen it before posting mine. You covered all my thoughts much better.

Give him something that you want, even if that is a charity donation. After all that is what he does to everybody.

This is not a pity party post (it makes me laugh when I think back now) but I've never had anyone spoil me on my birthday as it's a couple of weeks before Christmas. When I was a child any rellies that called to give lovely presents to any of my siblings for their birthdays during the year would actually turn to me and say " it's not for you, you're too near Christmas! " Or if they happened to be around on my actual birthday they'd say "your pressie will be extra in with your Christmas box." But I'd still only get just get the same Avon bubble bath and a new pair of pants, exactly the same as my sisters had been given! I always hoped that the man I fell in love & made a life with would be different and we would spoil each other in equal measure, but it wasn't to be, he even hates Christmas! We do buy each other gifts throughout the year though, just not on Christmas or birthdays and to be honest I find that much better. There's no pressure at any time of year & the gifts have more meaning somehow as they're "just because" we know it's something the other wants or needs at anytime of year and not just a birthday Christmas token to be compared with everyone else's. It's so not worth getting upset about 3 days in a year is it? Next time he gives you a gift just don't open it and give it him back on his birthday!

Buy him something you want eg charity donation, a goat, membership of NT or RHS for days out. You could also regift his present to you back to him as it appears he buys what he wants himself.

I realised early on in this relationship that DH gives me the sort of thing he would like himself, so maybe you could just give him something he gave you, last year’s book, for example.
We look out for presents throughout the year, often from antique fairs, though not in 2020! The other one may know at the time of purchase, or even help choose it, but by Christmas we have forgotten. Or DH orders a book he wants and I pay him and put it away to wrap and give him later.
Hope this helps.

I know I shouldn’t say this, but these really are problems associated with a rich country.
Everybody searching for gifts that others don’t actually want or need.
Having to buy your own gift and wrap it!
Waste, annoyance over inappropriate gifts or no gifts or thoughtless gifts, thwarted expectations.
Buying gifts for children can be fun and rewarding.
Buying gifts for adults seems unnecessary, difficult and often pointless.
Surely as adults, we really don’t need a gift to validate our existence or prove someone’s affection?
I wonder how we’ve come, as a society to become so indoctrinated to materialism.

I do sympathise. As he likes birthdays why not just buy him a small birthday cake from the supermarket, add some candles and put up some balloons. Then perhaps you could take a picture of him cutting his cake and turn it into one of those small canvas pictures or a mousemat or just a small coffee coaster. Just a different idea.

Maybe he just thinks that if he wants, for example, to read a certain book then probably other people do too? Personally have never liked b'days and never advertise them, quite happy that a big one passed by almost unnoticed by virtue of the lockdown.

“Throws his toys out of the pram.” That’s the key statement here, and says a lot about the relationship between the OP and this man boy.
Of course the answer is, not to care what he does birthday wise. I have never had any birthday present from my husband that I liked or that I didn’t actually buy myself. BUT he doesn’t sulk.
I wouldn’t buy this husband another single thing, why should anyone be made miserable by his childish behaviour ?
So have a Kitchen Table summit OP, and say calmly “ enough is enough of this crapsom behaviour.
My husband and I don’t buy each other specific presents any more, but if he says he likes something, I note it and buy it, to give at a later date.
For myself I have bought a brand new Audi TT, a diamond bracelet and a hot tap for the kitchen. I don’t like presents personally.

He would get short shrift from me.

I agree with grandtante. It would be best if you could agree on a solution you can both live with.

I find wishlists helpful for my son and I to buy presents for each other. It means he gets something of a surprise, which he likes, and I don’t get something I don’t want. You can add to them throughout the year.

Do you know the book The Five Love Languages? I wonder if gifts are one of his love languages but not yours?

Tell him to grow up. It's my b/day today and I couldn't give a flying fox. But then, I'm not a man child. Buy a goat from Oxfam and bill him for it.

Bernie1964

Wrap up the book he gave you and present he gave daughter as he wanted them so much

That's what I thought too!

Buy him some flowers. Nobody can dislike flowers, surely? But make sure you choose ones YOU like.

Unless your DH is on the Autistic Spectrum there is no reasonable excuse for his behaviour.

My DH was 70 on the 2nd January. I bought him an online voucher for theatre tickets. His DD bought him a voucher for lunch at the Shard and my DD bought him a voucher for a night in a hotel. When it is safe to travel, we are going to have a wonderful weekend in London and we will both benefit. Something to look forward to!

That’s control and not a pleasant way to behave. Don’t accept them

Birthday presents are important to me but they don't have to be big, just thoughtful. My birthdays as a child always fell during the term and as I was at Boarding School, I would wait hopefully for a card or anything from my Mum and Dad. Invariably there was nothing and it made me feel unloved as all my other friends' parents would have arranged presents, cards and a birthday cake. As a grown up or teenager I'd get a vague promise of something from my Mum later and I did usually get it just before Christmas but then Christmas presents are delayed.
Even now when I buy my Mother's presents for the rest of the family, she will insist that I leave mine for later and it isn't as if she is going to buy it herself. It is almost as if she thinks that I don't matter in the same way as the others. It doesn't bother me as much with her these days but from anyone else, like my husband, it would sting.
However, I do make sure I treat all my loved ones with the thought I'd like to be treated with. Perhaps there is something going on with your husband like that.

I'd wrap him up the book he bought you for xmas and re-gift it to him for HIS birthday and tell your daughter to do same with her xmas gift Or yes the empty box to keep all he has already in as Genty says!?

icanhandthemback That’s so sad ?

And then make time to read the books YOU already have- after all, most of country is in higher tiers, so not much open, or things to go do- and all the lock downs we keep getting- perfect time to just sit and read!?

Sorry to say this but your husband comes across as a very selfish, childish, spoilt man...you should have put a stop to his behaviour years ago. You reap what you sow in this matter unless you put your foot down and put up with it no more.

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My husband and I decided years ago not to buy each other birthday or christmas gifts as all year round we just buy ourselves what we need. Instead we just go out for a nice meal (although not at the moment).

Well if you know he bought you a book he wants to read, give it back to him for his birthday. Sorted.