Birthdays

Maybe he just thinks that if he wants, for example, to read a certain book then probably other people do too? Personally have never liked b'days and never advertise them, quite happy that a big one passed by almost unnoticed by virtue of the lockdown.

I do sympathise. As he likes birthdays why not just buy him a small birthday cake from the supermarket, add some candles and put up some balloons. Then perhaps you could take a picture of him cutting his cake and turn it into one of those small canvas pictures or a mousemat or just a small coffee coaster. Just a different idea.

I know I shouldn’t say this, but these really are problems associated with a rich country.
Everybody searching for gifts that others don’t actually want or need.
Having to buy your own gift and wrap it!
Waste, annoyance over inappropriate gifts or no gifts or thoughtless gifts, thwarted expectations.
Buying gifts for children can be fun and rewarding.
Buying gifts for adults seems unnecessary, difficult and often pointless.
Surely as adults, we really don’t need a gift to validate our existence or prove someone’s affection?
I wonder how we’ve come, as a society to become so indoctrinated to materialism.

I realised early on in this relationship that DH gives me the sort of thing he would like himself, so maybe you could just give him something he gave you, last year’s book, for example.
We look out for presents throughout the year, often from antique fairs, though not in 2020! The other one may know at the time of purchase, or even help choose it, but by Christmas we have forgotten. Or DH orders a book he wants and I pay him and put it away to wrap and give him later.
Hope this helps.

Buy him something you want eg charity donation, a goat, membership of NT or RHS for days out. You could also regift his present to you back to him as it appears he buys what he wants himself.

This is not a pity party post (it makes me laugh when I think back now) but I've never had anyone spoil me on my birthday as it's a couple of weeks before Christmas. When I was a child any rellies that called to give lovely presents to any of my siblings for their birthdays during the year would actually turn to me and say " it's not for you, you're too near Christmas! " Or if they happened to be around on my actual birthday they'd say "your pressie will be extra in with your Christmas box." But I'd still only get just get the same Avon bubble bath and a new pair of pants, exactly the same as my sisters had been given! I always hoped that the man I fell in love & made a life with would be different and we would spoil each other in equal measure, but it wasn't to be, he even hates Christmas! We do buy each other gifts throughout the year though, just not on Christmas or birthdays and to be honest I find that much better. There's no pressure at any time of year & the gifts have more meaning somehow as they're "just because" we know it's something the other wants or needs at anytime of year and not just a birthday Christmas token to be compared with everyone else's. It's so not worth getting upset about 3 days in a year is it? Next time he gives you a gift just don't open it and give it him back on his birthday!

Give him something that you want, even if that is a charity donation. After all that is what he does to everybody.

grandtanteJE65 Mon 04-Jan-21 11:01:13

Very thoughtful comment. I wish I'd seen it before posting mine. You covered all my thoughts much better.

Couldn’t you think of something tangible that you might need - such as special hand cream,perfume, shower gel, a book you really would like to read etc? It sounds as if you are both determined to paddle your own canoes without any compromise!

Put a price limit on it and each of you should buy something you want for yourselves.

Maybe he would appreciate a small gift that you have thought of yourself, instead of asking him what he wants?

Aepgirl

Some of these suggestions are very negative and likely to cause problems in a marriage.

I think you should just say thank you, and put the book on your bookshelf along with the others.

Agree with your first statement aepgirl. Some GNers must think it 'amusing' to make such suggestions. Some even suggested a charity donation but Razzy's last sentence is: A charity donation in my name would be lovely but he refuses.

Razzy obviously doesn't know why he keeps behaving like this that why she has posted on here.

I don't think Razzy can change him, it's more a case of accepting or adapting to his ways.

Razzy Someone suggested a list. Good idea. Do it way before Christmas and birthday. Ask him for his list in return or arrange on a certain date to swap lists. If he doesn't come up trumps with the list, keep asking, every day till you get it.

On your list could be the donation or the things you do like (you say he doesn't always buy what he likes) so he gets it right sometimes.

Get your daughter to do the same or buy a joint present for her.

Perhaps he thinks the books are so good anyone would like them? He likes presents- give him one, just don’t ask what he wants. When you think of something you do want tell him then to save you the bother of buying it yourself. Don’t let it become a drama. Personally I buy myself something and give it to OH to wrap, if he doesn’t do the same he gets whatever gift I care to give him.

Buy him something you would like to receive. Or how about a charity gift from Oxfam . . .
A goat or a toilet the list is endless. He can stick the card on the fridge or toilet door depending where is appropriate and what you decide to buy. That way he gets a card and present to look at and you've donated to charity. You could even by a small toy goat for him if you went with that!! All happy.

He asks you what you would like, I've found that saying 'nothing' actually causes upset, it can be perceived that you would care little for a present from him... So he gets you something that he thinks is nice. Far better to be specific, Such as "I would love us to go out for afternoon tea as my birthday gift".
My husband doesn't know me well enough to know what I like and don't like, or perhaps he does but only wants to spend his money on things he likes, either way, he asks what I would like then proceeds to find me something as cheaply as he can get it, from eBay, or marketplace, or charity shop, that wouldn't be so bad but his endeavours to get as cheap presents as possible mean I get slippers and jumpers and other stuff that are too small, or already past their best. Then because he saved so much money on that present he gets me more 'bargains' he's spotted. Presents are about giving more than they are about receiving, everyone likes to feel excited about the reaction they will get to the gift they are about to present, if you take that excitement away, or deminish it by not being bothered about your presents, he will go for the easy option and buy what he likes (Or do as my husband does and get the excitement from bagging a 'bargain')

Not sure why maidmarion's post has appeared at the top of my post; I didn't include it.

Maidmarion

Do what Daddima says... great idea!!!!

I would say your husband clearly wants to give you a present for your birthday (you say because he wants to boast about it) and you refuse to tell him , other than a charity donation (?). He won't tell you what he wants until it is too late for you to buy it.
Something deeper going on here.
Ask for a gift voucher, then donate that amount in your name to charity, give him a voucher that will purchase the specific thing he has asked for also, then attempt to reconcile your differences.

For Birthdays and Christmas all the family come up with a list of things we'd like in different price ranges and each of the others decides what to give. It works fine and we know we'll get what we really want and we each buy what we can afford. If something wanted is really expensive we share the cost and also buy one of the cheap items.

Is it really about birthday presents? Neither of you sound very happy in this relationship. You both seem to be into scoring points off each other.

My OH perpetually gets the present thing wrong but his underlying intention is always good so it’s just funny most of the time?

I understand your husband to a certain extent.

I like buying and giving presents. To me it is a way of saying "I love you", so I buy DH birthday and Christmas presents, although he tends to forget my birthday, never buys anything, or suggests going out on our wedding anniversary, and either refuses to buy the things I suggest for Christmas (you can buy that yourself is the standard remark) or buys me something I didn't really want.

Obviously, you don't care for reading, so tell your husband that you do not want books, and do find something other than a donation to charity that you would like.

If you give a little thought to the matter in the course of the year there is bound to be something you either would like, or something that needs replacing. I make a note of that sort of thing when it occurs to me,

If this doesn't appeal to you, the only thing you can do is not to give your husband anything and ignore his hurt - that seems unkind to me, but I am not you, after all.

I have tried to train myself not to expect presents and not to be hurt by the lack. It was hard, but taking the pressure off seems to have worked, as DH gave me a Christmas present that I did want.

I suggest you try to find a solution that works for you both, it is a pity to disagree and be annoyed about something like this.

I agree with what others are saying , you are pandering to his needs , I’d have stopped his selfish behaviour years ago . Put your foot down and say enough is enough, if he sulks then let him , just ignore his infantile behaviour. How dare he buy you and others exactly what he wants . I know it’s not nice to create bad feelings in a relationship, but at the end of the day , it is you D?H that’s been creating them himself all these years .

Does sound very infantile. For God's sake. Just say to him that it's hard thinking of the right presents, so from now on it will the best idea for you both to exchange a card and just buy yourselves a little present that you want and say it's your gift from the other. My DH and I usually do that anyway.

I love birthdays. But it's not about the presents,its about celebrating with the people you love and care about.

If you have everything you need why not ask him for a nice weekend away after covid of course. My husbands birthday is also in January and luckily last year I decided to do just that and took him to Amsterdam for a long weekend. We both had a great time, you could also make it a joint gift to yourselves.

We always celebrate birthdays, with extra special celebrations for things like 60ths and 70ths. I love and enjoy buying and wrapping presents. But OH dreads present buying! The only one he physically buys is mine. From a list which I must pin on the notice board in the hall! I should add that my three children buy me lovely presents and always seem to know what I want. When OH and I first met he bought me a leather satchel type handbag which I didn’t really like. He ended up giving it to the wife of a friend of his. When he used to travel abroad a lot for his job, he would bring me back beautiful souvenirs, but those days are long gone.