Can we talk about Stay at Home Mums

Doodledog It is also true that those who can't afford to SAH will still have to pay in, which subsidises the SAH parents who come out with nonsense like comparing having children to driving a car.

I don’t like sanctimonious comments either, (the term ‘sanctimommies’ popped up in my phone just then, so they must be a thing), but I don’t like either the idea that one group of society subsidises another.

You could argue, for example, that childless people subsidise the education and healthcare of other people’s children.

Would that be fair? I don’t think so. When those childless people need healthcare or social care, it will be other people’s children who are providing it.

We still live in a Welfare State, despite efforts to dismantle it in recent years, and that depends on contributions, not subsidies. The contributions aren’t necessarily financial.

Sanctimommies

I honestly see what you mean, and in general I agree. As I said though, it's when the sanctimommies seem to think that their choice makes them better parents that I think that they should have think about what allows them to make the choice that they have made. It's not so much that I object to the subsidy (for want of a better word), as that I question the assumptions that underpin the sanctimony.

I wouldn't like to live in a society such as in the US, where people genuinely seem to object to a health service in case they end up paying for someone else's operation - in a fair society we are all interdependent, and that's as it should be, IMO.

I don't necessarily think that childless couples subsidise things for the next generation, however. You could equally look on their contribution as paying back what was spent on their own education and care. Not that it matters, though - 'from each according to ability and to each according to need' works for me .

My girls were born in 1976 and 1979 and I didn't work at all whilst they were very little. My then husband started his own business and I used to do the accounts and answer the phone which worked for us. I was there for them when they came home from School and during the school holidays.

Doodledog?

We had one child when Orlin stepped up while I finished my law degree, had my second child just before graduating. He put his career on hold and was almost a full time Dad while I rose through the ranks and became quite successful.
We began to socialise with my colleagues who treated Orlin badly, even referring to him as the little woman, he didn’t complain but I could see he felt emasculated so we made a conscious decision to return to the U.K. where he pursued his career while I stayed at home and had two more children.
I can say hand on heart that those were the best years of my life. I went back to work when the youngest finished junior school. I worked as an administrator then later a PA, much less pressure and a happy husband.
We both retired early and converted some outbuildings to holiday homes to top up our income.
Now completely retired and watching our children doing it differently. They seem to want so much more and all daughters in law have gone back to work after limited maternity leave.
Sad for them really but they are happy

For some of us, it was a choice- And we were very very lucky.
For most, it probably was not.

I am glad I stayed at home until girls started school- but then I went to Uni full time and then taught. Staying at home forever would have been a nightmare for me. Our girls, not pushing 50- say that me working made them what they are now and how it truly helped them. We chose to have 2 children.

I do wonder how many women did not go back to work or to study, etc, because their husband disapproved and decided for them that they should stay at home.

Not many I should think, biba!

I suspect most of us made joint decisions with our husbands about what sort of a family life we wanted.

We always said we wanted enough children to fill a vicarage. What we hadn't factored in was that the cost of having lots of children precluded buying the vicarage.

I think I would have felt unfulfilled if I hadn't had a chaotic houseful of children, pets and visitors.

We are all different after all.

As others have said, feminism fought for women to have the right to choose in many aspects of their lives. Although to be honest, the choice to work or stay at home never existed for poor women and the revered stay at home mum was really a product of the Second World War push to get women back in the kitchen when the men came home from the war and needed their jobs back.

I think there were differences between those of us who had children in the 70s and those who had them later. When my children were small the recession hit deep and there was no choice but for me to work. My mum was wonderful but how I would have loved a few years at home with my children. Also, perceived equality meant that women in my experience were expected to work and contribute to the family income - the reverse of biba’s point about some men quashing their wives’ aspirations, and I’m sure both were true.

We all did what we could in the circumstances we found ourselves in. It’s a shame if we fall into the trap of criticising other women, however subtly, for the fact they lived different lives to ourselves.

Exactly as night owl says its a shame if we fall into the trap of criticising other women, however subtly, for the fact they have lived different lives to ourselves

We decided that as DH paid more in tax than I was earning, I should stay home to look after our three children. We had them within 5 years of marrying. Also, childcare had to be paid for, and would be ridiculous if all my pay went on someone else bringing up our children.
I have to say that when people (of both sexes) found I was not working, they dismissed me as a cabbage brain. I was probably more informed than them as I listened to the radio and read the newspaper. I was also always there to look after their sick children or collect them from school if it closed early for whatever reason!
Our DC have told us that it was a very good decision.
On the other hand, DD works all hours even though they don’t need the money. Their decision!

I had 3 children under 5 and my then husband worked shifts, so even if I had wanted to go out to work it would’ve been very difficult with childcare. We did have foreign students in our spare room so that provided some extra income. Personally I wouldn’t have missed a minute of my kids childhood and I didnt work outside the home for 11 years. When I did register with an agency I recall an awful woman making me feel small “ surely you must have done some work in 11 years”. Of course these days I would’ve wiped the floor with her ! People look at parenting differently these days, and I would never judge anyone, but my days with my 3 babies were just priceless to me and I loved every single minute.

My daughter was born in 1981, elder son in 1983 and younger son in 1985. On the day that younger son started school in September 1990, I signed up with an emploment agency and went back to work, term time only and finishing in time to pick the children up from school. So for 9 years I was a stay at home mum. I did a bit of childminding and some paid admin work. OH was working overseas a lot so I was the parent who attended school meetings, doctors appointments etc. I have always booked our holidays and arranged birthday parties. There were also Playgroup committees to be involved in and the Village Festival too.

I have to say that when people (of both sexes) found I was not working, they dismissed me as a cabbage brain
I had that too on occasion grandmattie and perhaps that explains the defensive sanctimommy type comments, as well as the depression that many women seemed to experience being on their own at home with small children, whatever their reasons.
But what a pity so many on both sides bought into that divisiveness.

I was also a stay at home mum. My father deserted us when my mum was expecting me, with no financial support. My mother had to work full time to keep a roof over our heads, so my sister and I always came home from school to an empty and often very cold house. When I was nine I went to a boarding school (funded by a legacy for our education by my father’s family who were not happy about what had happened.). Against the odds I wasn’t unhappy at all because my mother was brilliant at making the times we had together so precious. I just always thought if I ever had children of my own, I would be there when they came home from school. It was only then that I started to feel sorry for myself!

It shouldn't be a choice until the child is 3 years old. Children should have the right to form secure attachments with their parents in those early years. They do not ask to be born. House prices are only so high now BECAUSE most people have 2 salaries to borrow against. Those who decide to sacrifice material benefits in favour of their children's long term mental health deserve appropriate recognition. We are madly finding sticking plaster solutions to address soaring mental health issues but few people are interested in exploring what has really gone wrong. If we look honestly we will have to admit society is becoming ever more selfish. When will feminism, BAMEism and QGBLTism be superseded by childism? The transition is long overdue.

On the otherwise of the coin I worked around husband and children, but would loved to have stayed at home , but needs must. As we didn't live by family to have support I worked the dreaded nights and hubby the days so we were there when they needed us. It wasn't easy and sleep deprivation was high on the list, but we have two wonderful children with children of their own and yes we still support where needed.

It really annoys me the way my position is described Especially by my H as a stay at home Mum as if it was easy to run a home look after 3 children under 3 at one time !and I was a lazy person taking this option! Before I had my children I had quite a good career in a Bank and earned good money ! That would have been the easy option but my H was a little reluctant in paying for childcare and he thought I should pay it out of my salary - sharing the cost no he didn’t want to do that ! We got over this I did love looking after and helping my children to develop into the good parents they are today My children are in their thirty’s now with children of their own . But his opinion does still stick in my memory every now and again especially when he brings it up and says it as if I am a second class citizen !

You have every right to feel unhappy about that nanny.

Kitty ''Not many I should think, biba!

I suspect most of us made joint decisions with our husbands about what sort of a family life we wanted.

We always said we wanted enough children to fill a vicarage. What we hadn't factored in was that the cost of having lots of children precluded buying the vicarage. grin''

we have finally got the Vicarage- and yes, there would be space for a dozen children and more- but it is a bit late.

Of course we are all different, and that is great. My comment re choice or OH's decision, is that when I went back to Uni, many friends and neighbours told me 'I'd love to do that, or go back to the job I loved, but OH not happy about that at all' ...and as one Gran here mentionned that her husband told her no point in having kids if others look after them- it triggered that memory. I think it happened in more cases than you think- glad it was not the case for you.

Because of OH's serious health issues, we knew from the start we would have two as it would have been irresponsible to have more. He has now had 20 years bonus on his life expextancy- and that is wonderful.

Beanie have I read your post correctly that you think a parent should be at home with their child until he/she is 3? No nursery at all ?
I’m assuming either parent will do?

I went back to nursing , when my first daughter was 6 weeks old . Then when my second daughter was born I went to work in a pub/restaurant when she was 4 weeks old . I did the cleaning in the morning and waitressing at night . I never missed an important mile stone with them . I was always there for school plays and sports day .

I stayed at home with the children, DH worked shifts so working could be very difficult. I made most of their clothes, including some for DH, when DD's school where looking for uniform dresses for Scottish Country Dancing team my DD2 volunteered me!! My DDs also volunteered me to teach them sewing and Origami!!
I was kept very busy!!

I was a full time mom. The plan was when our son went to school I wanted to work part time. Didn't happen as I became ill with neurological problems when he was 6 months old. Our daughter was 4. What has made me happy is being a wife and mother. And now I am a widow , mother and grandmother. But I am happy . Both the children could read and write before starting school. Money was tight in the early years but I wasn't brought up with money so was very good at managing it. My husband had a well paid job. But when we brought our first house in 1980 interest rates where high. And after we married went to 15% . Remember those days .

But when you think of all the different hats we wear as a mom. There is no such thing as just a mom. We do everything wether we stay at home full time or work as well. Everyone's circumstances are different but we all do the best we can and instill into our children good values and give them all the love and attention we can. Once they are adults we can only hope they remember that.

Unfortunately for me my son decided he never wants anything to do with me ever again. I have been tried , sentenced and punished and don't even know what I am accused of . At these at criminal gets to defend themselves. Luckily still have my daughter, son in law and 2 grandson's.

But have lost my son, daughter in law and 3 grandson's. But I am still his mom and they are still my grandson's and nothing he says or does changes that fact. Even when I die still won't change that fact.

Sorry gone off topic coming up to 17 years since my husband died always a difficult time for me. He was only 47 me 45. Usually the children will contact me . But will my son even remember the day this year.

I was a stay at home mum. I loved it although sometimes felt useless because of societies view. My adult children have thanked me for always being there for them. My husband was free to climb the career ladder, to travel when needed, to go on courses. Its all different now.