Jealousy over daughter's financial situation

Schnackie, I don't think anyone should blame you for seeing the disparity between your rather frugal life and your daughter's extravagant one. You are clearly trying not to burden her with your feelings and value the relationship over the money.

I am in a similar position. Nine years after I retired my DD, for whom I paid prep school fees and on whom I spent many tens of thousands for her education, now earns more than twice what I last earned after 34 years in teaching. She splashes the cash extravagently on meals, treats and experiences while I live pared to the bone and choose between heating and eating in winter.

Nevertheless, she is my darling girl and I don't begrudge her her money as she earns it and pays her dues and taxes. She is good and loving and buys me ridiculously lovely presents which I neither need nor deserve.

My own mother was very poor (all the cash in the house was spent on alcohol and cigarettes) and berated me as a 'Tory' because she thought that somehow I was 'rich'.

It's hard. Life isn't fair or equal but I do see the harm jealousy and resentment wreak. You, Schnackie, are neither but, like me, note the differences!

I can understand what you’re saying.
It’s natural to feel a bit of envy and this is all it is.
We are all missing each other at the moment and often a hug just puts things right but we’re denied that.And we have too much time on our own to think.
Once the weather is brighter and we can get out a bit more this won’t be a problem. You’ll have other things to focus on.we all wish we weren’t envious at times, but that’s the thing, it’s only at times,usually when we feel low ourselves,so don’t beat yourself up.Just plod on as best you can.

I think if our feelings or thoughts are tending towards the negative, distraction is the thing to find and do. Have you capacity and the energy to do voluntary work? Have you a hobby that could help you take your mind off your lovely DD spending? Have you Eve gone to church/synagogue/chapel, and might they need help there?

Good luck ‘schnackie’

Maybe rejoice that they are not struggling. If they were, you may feel worse that you couldn't help out.

Thanks again for all the warm and kind replies. I think I did just need a 'hug' and I felt the virtual hugs from all of you. As many of you mentioned, I would agree that it is a generational thing with different ideas of spending than we had 40 years ago. Thanks again to all.

My first thought was our hope for our two children was that they would do better financially in life than we did. I am happy to say this is the case they both earn a lot more than me or their dad ever have. But I think it’s down to us as they saw us working and providing so they have a wonderful work ethic. Saying that tho our daughter has no idea what it’s like to struggle financially although our son has been thru the mill with finances and is continually chasing the money.
Both their dad and I are very happy they are doing so well but also want them to have a good work/life balance although I know it’s not that easy sometimes. We are very lucky as when we moved house recently both children offered us money to help with renovations etc which we are trying very hard not to accept! Lol x

What wise gransnetters ! As others have said, a sound and cheering thread to read.

Having a conversation with your child, about what they don't realise is making their parent uncomfortable, is always difficult.
Can it not be slid into the conversation 'My gran always said it was not polite to talk about money'.

Very gracious replies Schnackie, always good to have a little rant to bring us some perspective. I often think Gransnet is like our own shrink. We say how we feel and the responses and our own feelings to them, sort out the problem.
I often think Urmstongran’s replies are wise and considered. We’re you ever a psychologist or counsellor Urms?

Were you? Not we’re you. Bloody predictive nonsense

Be happy for them. They are not making any demands on you. We have had a good, relatively easy life and I am so pleased that our children have it even better. Our children would be embarrassed to mention the huge amounts they can afford to spend as they know we are thrifty. I think your daughter needs you to see how well she’s done and comment on it.

You know some charity shops have lots of lovely curtains.
Throws, table lights, cushion covers you just have to look around.
My dd has a very good job in d and I she is a specialist and we are both very proud of her.

I also think it’s a matter of keeping your eyes open and being aware if someone is unable to buy those little extras and you can afford them. Many years ago I was earning a good salary. I would never offer to give my mum money and she wouldn’t have accepted anyway. But say for example, I needed a new coat I would ask ask mum to come with me to help choose it. At the same time I would say something like ‘this one would really suit you. Do you like it, try it on and just buy both. There are definitely ways and means for a daughter or son to help out without being too obvious if their financial position allows.
Anyway it gave me a lot of pleasure to buy little extras for mum after what she had done for me.

There are some very wise, kind and thoughtful people on this thread.

schnackie you sound lovely, I'm so glad you vented on here & didn't upset the great relationship you have with your daughter. I love the birthday curtains idea! And good luck with your job.

Schnakie I think you have put your finger on it.
"it's a generational thing"; as most children earn more that their parents. It's the case that we earned more than our parents, and our children, earn much, much, more than we ever did, and we are happy for them.
There are some very wise and kind responses to your feelings.

People really don't have much news to chat about lately. I told a friend about the daft things I've ordered online (to cheer myself up) and she said to pipe down - as she can't afford anything.

I do notice the difference between the younger generation and ours - we struggled and saved, and "did up" our house, when we could afford it. My youngest son got married 2 years ago and they actually extended their mortgage so that they could get everything done first - new fireplaces, all the walls skimmed and painted, kitchen extension (& new kitchen), new bathroom, carpets and curtains, garden landscaped, etc. It looks stunning but it did take me aback how much it all cost them (and realised how easy they rack up credit - but, of course, as long as they don't come to us to pay it off, it's none of my business). But, I would support the idea of asking for a pair of curtains for your birthday (along the lines of "do you know what I would really LOVE ... ") I would bet that she would be only too happy to get them for you.

This generation earn more, but their rent/mortgage is probably much higher than we paid but that we earned much less, so probably an equal balance in today's life. But when I lived at home in my first job I would write cheque to my parents each month (rent/keep), and buy my mother the odd treat such as her favourite Bromley soap (could not afford herself). Probably not relevant to this chat. Miss her now she's not alive. Sorry !!

It sounds as though your child may be looking for approval over her spending or as someone else said she moves in the circles where the trappings have to be expensive, we used to call it keeping up with the Jones's. Maybe worth asking her how happy she is with her life and showing her that to have less items can make you a happier more confident person. This may also be a reflection of the times we are living in just now and she is clinging to the life she had pre-lockdown when it was easy to spend money on 'things'.

welbeck

OP, say to your DD that you have a request for your b'day this year. you've got your eye on some curtains, and if she would like to make a contribution towards them, that would be just right. and you will think of her every time you draw them.

I'm not sure how to reply but wanted to say that I think welbeck has hit just the right idea for a response ... lovely and practical!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I struggled at times bringing up my children on my own, but now my oldest daughter is well setup with lovely husband and children, fantastic home and lifestyle. Yes I would love to have the same lifestyle but actually I am just so very pleased that she is as happy as I would have loved to have been, I want all my children to be secure and happy, prosperous is a bonus, happy and healthy is what I would lay down my life for, for them. Its so good that you can vent on here, it would be awful to let your daughter know how you feel, much better for her to feel that you are happy for them

Sound like you have your answer, from all the replies. All sensible answers.
But as a Nurse have you ever thought of Bank /Agency work? Which you can dip in and out of?
You have a skill that is in demand I have been working this way since I took my NHS pension absolutely brilliant way to work.
Good luck

Your feelings are natural when you have had a hard life,but your life prepared you to be careful in your retirement.No one gets everything in life you have an amazing daughter and grandchildren.Could you ask your daughter for material for new drapes for your Birthday ?Then make them——best of luck we all feel sad or envious sometimes,big breath in and carry on,look after yourself.I worry about 2 of my grandchildren who have always had everything and will expect that life style.