Christmas with Family which turned into disaster

Without wishing to be unkind we often reap what we sow in this world.
I think both of you should be having a big think about morals and behaviour towards each other and the rest of society.
The fact that you saw nothing wrong with what you and she did at Xmas in getting together for so long probably means there is nothing wrong with what she has done with the camera. You live in a very different world from me and if you don't play by societies rules don't expect an easy ride.

I agree with sarah1954 of course we think and say things behind people’s backs to let off steam at times and of course it is not meant to be heard. And the helping is not as simple as it appears if it is not a habit. I realise I did not help my mum when I stayed and she often took over in my house when she stayed...nothing was ever said. It’s rotten for you both that this natural trust has been violated. I hope you can forgive each other because it’s such an important relationship. And we all mess up

It doesn't sound very ethical of your daughter and I would stand my ground on that. I am afraid I'd be falling back on the comment that I am sorry she didn't like what she heard but as much as I love her, I don't always like her behaviour and I am sure that there are times this is reciprocal.
I had a very difficult daughter who I suspected had a mental health problem. My husband and I used to discuss the way forward at length when she was in bed. Sometimes we could be very blunt about our feelings. I was horrified when she left home in high dudgeon and told me that there was a hole in the floor of her bedroom cupboard so if she left the door open, she could hear every word. Although we had legitimate concern, it was devastating to her. Maybe she shouldn't have listened but I wish I'd been more careful with the way I phrased things.
However, I want a relationship with my daughter so I have had to eat some humble pie. You have to decide how important being right is compared to your relationship with your daughter.

Interesting that more people are concerned about the possible breach of Covid-19 rules than the privacy issue. Are we not permitted to firm bubbles under certain specific circumstances?

The key thing here is how to mend this relationship. If Covid rules were broken, it's done, and no debate about it will help now. There's maybe a misunderstanding about the baby monitor. We set up a camera with audio in the room where our grandson sleeps when he's here. We set it up so that my daughter and son-in-law can watch and listen on their mobile phones or PC from anywhere. Younger people are used to such technology and you might be best to assume your daughter didn't set it up with the intention of eavesdropping but then, for whatever reason,did listen in to your conversations, which usually doesn't end well! You've nothing to lose by trying to build bridges and a lot to lose by not trying. If you want to have a good relationship with your daughter, son-in-law and grandson it's probably worth sending her a letter if she won't talk to you about things. I would suggest being positive and painting a picture of how you'd like things to be in the months and years to come. Apologise for anything you said that was maybe unkind or unfair rather than attack what she did. That's not the same as saying she did nothing wrong - it's giving her the chance to review her behaviour and hopefully realise she does want her parents in her life. Emphasise how much better it will be for everyone, especially your grandson, if you have a relationship with each other.
The ball is then in her court and hopefully she will get back in touch. You can then tackle issues around switching the monitor off when your GS isn't there and ask them to help with specific tasks if they do stay for a few days in future. There could be other things that have made her stressed or unhappy, maybe their marriage is strained, maybe she's very anxious about the future for her son due to Covid/Brexit....... There's a lot of anxiety around! Extend an olive branch and tell her you love her - you can tackle other things later. I do hope you manage to resolve this. All the best.

We ended up on our own this Christmas as the R no spiked not long before, I seem to remember.

Wasn’t aware anyone could stay for two weeks, or even overnight, with or without a baby. I thought the changes were aimed at helping either single parents or those living alone.

She may have been tired, like most young mums, particularly if the baby is not sleeping and she may have been jittery about changing routines or looking forward to a rest. I wouldn’t anticipate help from a mum with young children.

Do you feel your daughter deliberately left the gadget so she can spy on you? That becomes a different matter all together!

If she can't stand to hear you moaning about her... Maybe she is not up to speed with living in the real world. (Quite apart from the morality of spying). ALL of us have faults and act badly sometimes.

'She had the app installed on her phone whilst down at our house, so when she went home she listened into our conversations without us realising.'
Shocking behaviour on your daughter's part!
I have the opposite problem when I visit younger daughter - I automatically start to clear up the minute I arrive! She has said, on occasion, that she feels my behaviour a criticism of her housewifery skills! They do leave a lot to be desired!

For goodness sake stop giving “Ponymoore”a hard time over COVID 19 it’s done there ok ! Forget it . It’s advise she wants regarding what she should do !!!!’

Baby monitors are common place these days to check on babies,not for listening to private conversations. I agree that she should have helped, she is your daughter. I often go to my daughters and wouldn’t dream of not helping, just try to act normal, contact her as you normally would, ask after your grandchild. Maybe she heard the truth about herself and that’s the problem, good lycky

I cant understand why you were expecting your daughter to help you! My daughters dont expect to have to help when they have stayed with me in the past, its understood that they have young children and its a kind of a mini break for them and help with grandchildren too?
However despite that, the listening to you on the baby monitor was unacceptable and your daughter should apologise for invading your privacy. Next time though perhaps dont moan about her to your DH but tackle the grievances head on, after all the outcome could hardly be worse than the current one.
I would write her a letter or email saying you think you both acted badly, xmas is a stressful time anyway and covid added with restrictions so could you draw a line under it and try again.
Try changing your internet password too

Ooh. I am now wondering if any of our lot have ever listened into our private conversations. We can all moan in private, often about trivialities. Your daughter should not have been listening to your private conversation but I guess it will be up to you to build bridges. (We usually moan about an uncomfortable bed or freezing bedroom)

Eves droppers rarely hear good about themselves, she needs to pull up her big girl pants and realise that ‘bugging’ your conversation from afar is totally unacceptable regardless of the reason.
You have a right to your opinion and your privacy in your own home.
She sounds really quite immature imho.

I wonder if you are in the UK OP, if not that might explain the apparent breach of covid rules.
As others have said, you and your daughter are both at fault. If you felt you needed help with cooking or whatever you could have asked nicely rather than “having words”.
If you want to maintain contact with your daughter you could apologise first. However you can’t make her want to see you so I suppose you may have to accept that, hard as I am sure it is, but at least you will have tried to make amends.

A baby monitor is one thing, an app on a phone when she is miles away from you another. Insist she takes it off or contact your broadband provider to see if you can block her listening It must link up to something you have maybe something to do with a computer. My new Apple phone has played havoc with emails and contacts.
We all talk about each other, she might have been fraught with a one-year-old baby but you were not running a hotel.
My partner once confronted a self-invited long-term guest about not giving a hand he was told "Guests don't help". the next time we invited ourselves much against practice and sat and never lifted a finger, it was hard and was never remarked on but help was given next time they visited.
You usually say no its O.K I can manage anyway but the offer is appreciated.
Let it all quiten down see if you can block the spying,she'll come round when she needs help during the move.

Why were they staying so long over Christmas, if this is UK you all broke the rules. Overhearing conversations via a monitor has resulted in DD finding out a few "home truths" and obviously doesn't like it. She was a guest in your home and if she doesn't like how you expect people to behave when a guest then she should find somewhere else to use as a holiday home. Or grow up and apologise for her behaviour.

I agree with Redhead56, there is clearly a lot more going on with mom and daughter? I have a very fractious relationship with my only child, a daughter of 45.

To have a conversation that’s critiquing her whilst she was in the same house was really treading on thin ice!

And the Covid rules? Please look and think of that TV advert on atm, ‘look them in the eyes and tell them you’ve done everything you can’... please don’t suit yourself and make the rules fit your life, just follow the bloomin rules!!!

Isn’t the baby monitor a “for the moment” thing, so you can listen in on the baby and hear if it cries? Why would you take it away and listen again? Either baby cried and she dealt with it, or all was fine and there was no need to listen further!

Oh... the situation is hot and difficult now with both of your egos having taken a bashing. How about sending her a letter pointing out the chain of events that have lead to the current situation, taking responsibility for your part in things and not 'blaming' her for her part. That will leave her free to think about it, without something to hit out at. I would affirm my love for her and point out all the things you do enjoy, are proud of and love in her... to bring the situation back onto balance. I would also mention that both of you are trying to do your best within the very stressful and difficult situation of Covid and sadly in this aspect you both didn't handle things at all well.
You need to get into a 'soft' place. I would point out that you are both miserable with the current situation and that it would be good to try and come back from this. This way you have done your part and the rest is up to her. She may need some time to reflect. But getting into anger and blame will not help the situation at all and just alienate her more. Some times we just have to forgive to be able to move on even if we feel the other person is 'wrong'.

I guess it depends how much you want the relationship to work.

I think 'I am' statements work best. eg I felt overwhelmed and stressed at Christmas and in need of help. I find this difficult etc and not 'you didn't do, or you did...xyz.'

Here is a link about Conflict Resolution. Good luck!

www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm

You did nothing wrong. She shouldn't have expected you to do all the work nor should she have listened into your conversations. It's the same as opening your post, emails or texts. Far too intrusive and a total infringement of your privacy.

The fact that is happened during lockdown is irrelevant. That's not what the OP was asking about and I'm shocked at some of the posts on this thread.

It does not really matter when this took place or where. As we do not know where OP lives, she and her family may not have been evading or disobeying Covid 19 restrictions.

Where you go from here, is difficult to say.

Your daughter should definitely not have been listening to your private conversations and then having the nerve to be offended at what she heard.

There is an old saying that evesdroppers hear no good of themselves. It applies here.

If my daughter or daughter in law came for a fortnight at Christmas or any other time of the year and didn't ever get off her backside to help, I would have said a few choice words too.

Most mothers would.

If you and your husband want to repair the relationship to your daughter, which I imagine you do, write her a letter, saying how sorry you are that you had this dust up at Christmas.

Mention that you felt tired because she was never offering to help and neither was her husband. I imagine he could have helped in the house too.

Frankly, she had no business listening to private conversations either on a baby intercom or in the old fashioned way be gluing her ear to the door, but tell her that you and her father are willing to overlook this, as long as it does not happen again.

Remember in future not to discuss her when she is anywhere nearby!

Ask if you cannot let bygones be bygones and move on past this, as you miss her and her family.

If you either get a rude reply or none there will not be anything more you can do, but at least you have shown your willingness to make up the quarrel.

I think sometimes when grown-up children go 'home' to their parents they almost revert to being children again - I have noticed this with my husband! Your daughter probably got into the role of Mum doing everything and her having a break at Christmas. I think once the dust settles you can almost start with an apology (bear with me) that she was hurt by what she overheard but it was your Christmas too and you thought she should maybe have done something to help or at least muck in together. Tell her you love her and don't want a silly row to come between you and your family. Maybe instead of fuming next time, just ask in a nice way for some help so everyone knows what is expected - and check for listening devices if you're having a moan! I'm sure it will all calm down soon, everyone is stressed and short tempered but hopefully there are better days to come.

Rosie51

It may or may not apply in Ponymoore's case but the bubble guidance was expanded on December 2nd 2020 and I quote from the Government website You can form a support bubble with another household of any size if:

your household includes a child who is under the age of one or was under that age on 2 December 2020

I commented at the time how very fortunate for Boris Johnson that the age fitted perfectly for his own family circumstances!

Yes and 21 June is a couple of days after his birthday. Another coincidence? (Lighthearted but possibly a grain of truth).

There is fault on both sides, do not up the ante. If you do you will be the one who loses out.
As Crazy H says change password. If this is her first child she may be exhausted and felt that she could relax. She is probably enormously hurt by the home truths She will have heard by eves dropping.
As Mariel suggested your daughter may have been too tired to help and do as ElaineRI55 suggests extend and olive branch. You could start with a bunch of flowers of Easter, Do not expect any Mothersday flowers for youerself. This is going to atke time to heal. All the very best. And as Phillipa111 suggests learn some conflict resilution skills. Good luck

The OP seems to be very distressed about a rift with her daughter and that’s why she has posted. I think it’s completely unacceptable to turn it into a thread about Covid regulations. None of us should give opinions on other’s behaviour without knowing the full story. It just matters that we do the correct thing ourselves. We looked after 2 of our GC recently in their house. No one but us knew that our DIL had severe chest pains and was told to go straight to A and E. Our DS obviously had to take her as no ambulances were available. I wonder what the neighbours thought!