Overnight Visits

Kestrel

I'm not a troll - just musing out loud - sorry if it upset anyone.

I didn’t mean you were a troll

Just an odd thing to find off

I'm not a troll - just musing out loud - sorry if it upset anyone.

It might be difficult, but you aren’t the parents here. You need to let the mother make the choices, whether or not you agree with them. This is her child.

Exactly what I thought, Summerlove.

Kestrel

I always find it strange when posters use 'mom' instead of 'mum' - something seems 'off'

Like they might be from a country that uses the word mom?

What a strange thing to make trolling assumptions on

I always find it strange when posters use 'mom' instead of 'mum' - something seems 'off'

Do find this posting somewhat strange? Even more so the OP just does not answer questions asked.
Find it strange that she refers to the person who appears to be her daughter just as her g.childs Mom. Is that really how she thinks of her - no wonder that person is not too keen on letting her son be with the g.parent too often.
I find it so difficult to anyone who can put their g.children before their own children - perhaps that is just me.
This poster risks losing all relationships with their g.child (and their daughter), if they do not stop to think more of the child instead of their own feelings.

Sorry inappropriate place, I will endeavour to find right place

Did you mean to post that here not very appropriate polly

I am going to write a childrens story for my grandchildren, ages 3 and 5.
Is there anyone who enjoys drawing who would be happy to join forces with me to provide some pictures for it.

This is VERY unclear so I may have got this wrong presumably this is your own daughter as you say the father had been deported so I m guessing that wasn’t your son You say he was returned to his mum but wouldn’t you say he was returned to our daughter ??? You talk about her as if she isn’t your relation at all ??

Did you have the baby for a year while she was removing herself from a situation ??? Abusive maybe??? Was the baby hurt by the father or mother both or was she not protecting him enough?

How old is the child ? I m guessing young He should not be being pulled to love one or the other it sounds as if she doesn’t trust you to not take him from her again she is insecure and understandable so ( she lost him for a year)

We as grandparents should be there to support not take over
it sounds as if you have tried to offer alternatives but she’s still scared Why not ask her what she would be happy with and go with that you can still offer more later

She is very frightened she will lose her child again if not physically then that he will love you more...... give the girl a break let her control the visits obviously her life has been very out of control and she’s very very scared and needs to rebuild her relationship with the little lad
Hard one to comment on as it’s all so vague

It sounds to me like she’s terrified you are going to try to take her child.

I’d put up with “group” visits for now until she learns she can trust you.

I’m sorry you are all in this situation

This is a very complex situation. Maybe you can discuss it with a counselor. What I have learnt is dont take a hard line or you will lose him. In New Zealand grandparents have no rights. We lost access to our little grandson for three months. We had to back off for a while and see him on their terms. It was all very unfair but it is what it is. Howabout taking her out for lunch if its permitted with covid and try and talk over what she wants and why. Tell her you aren't a threat because he belongs with his mother and you are just there to love your grandchild and support them both.

My in-laws wanted to have my newborn son to sat at their house overnight sometimes, but I couldn't bare to be parted from him from such a young age, he was my baby not theirs, he saw them regularly, I saw no need whatsoever for him to stay overnight. Its not your baby.

At the end of the day this is your grandson and a he's too young for his opinions to be taken account of, his mum gets to set the rules around who sees her child and when unless there is a court order in place but as things stand right now grandparent DON'T have RIGHTS over seeing their grandchildren and in my opinion, rightly so. In autistics where parents are estranged, the absent parent doesn't have any rights either, it's the child that has the right to say yes or no ultimately which is why courts get involved when the children are too young to legally have a say.

You're going to have to advise by your daughter's 'rules' and bide your time until she either changes her mind or a court overrules her but be very careful about alienating her further by going to court, I can almost guarantee she'll pull even further away and the only way you'll be able to get the courts to rule in your favour is if you're prepared to REALLY slag her off, which her child will eventually find out about and may even pull away from you themselves if you bad mouth their mum!

Having him 2 days a week could be confusing for him. He needs to transfer his primary attachment to her. You and your partner aren't second and third parents. Once a month should really be sufficient.

It could be that she is afraid that having him 2 days a week, you are in a position to get access/custody again. You maybe need to be reassuring.

Also if her DH has been deported, she may have extra time on her hands. It might ease up if she finds something to do during the day. She will possibly meet people locally and make friends.

Good luck ?

You can’t force her about this situation after all she is the mother and what she says goes. Back off and see what happens then. She’ll probably be contacting you when she wants time to herself.

As she seems to have had a traumatic time since the birth of your Grandchild she sounds like she is craving some attention for herself. Maybe when they both come over you could leave the child with her Granddad while you have quality time with her and then vice versa.

Im glad someone else noticed this was very confusing. I haven't see my grand children for 14 months and unlikely to see them until after this Summer when everyone is vaccinated. Where I am it's illegal to have people in your house that don't live there and although small children are back in school if grand patrents meet them in a park they are risking to be filmed and on evening tv that night!
The virus is 75% more infectious than it was last September, 35% more deadly, why we are in lockdown. We are seeing some very stupid people out and about without good reason, they are putting themselves and their families at risk.

Speaking also from 'other side' (as a parent, whose in laws tried to 'possess' my sons time& attention &visits by demand for years)! if you try get ALL his attention and cut her out it WILL get her back up.And then shes less likely to want you to have time with him.Also GC will slowly turn away from you & support his mum more.Its a natural thing.

I think if I had taken my DD to court to get a visit from my GC, she wouldn’t want to see me any time soon.
My GCs are lovely but I still want to spend time with my DD.
I think that your daughter has a lot of making up to do with her child, you have had him for a year and I’m sure she is grateful for all you have done, but now is her time to care for him, it doesn’t sound as though you want her around which is sad.

I presume shes your daughter- maybe at the crux of it is that SHE wants your attention now as well, and does not know how else to get it but by demanding she comes too?I am a bit worried/mystified about her comment "because you're mine!" to the child, but it depends i guess, on if she has 'possessive' tendencies/thoughts,or if she's always felt unwanted by you, -or if any of that was one of reasons he was placed with you- any mental health reasons on her part i mean?- you could go back to court over the court order- or contact where they issued it i suppose? But that might make it worse- how about making it ONE night once a month- then telling her in no uncertain terms that THIS is your GS's visit- that you need to use it to give his time to you, and vice versa- as she has his time& attention ALL the rest of the month- POINT THAT OUT TO HER- as frankly, up to now you have not done? No more pussy- footing around her, tell her straight.Then when he's in bed, give HER some of YOUR attention too, as HER parents?! Ask how she really is, how she's coping, managing etc, if she gets out & about, has time for herself, etc etc, or just wait on her a bit, cook a meal for you all, that kind of thing- like you care about HER as not just a means to have her child to see you? Maybe that's what she wants/needs but can't ask for it?Try it and see.If not, you have no option left but go back to court & get them to lay down in law EXACTLY what she needs to do to comply with that order- if she's to LEAVE child alone,without her, at your home, then so be it.She must then comply with it.But try the 'be nice to her too' method first.You might get to enjoy time with her in the end.?

I'm very confused with this posting. Not clear who is who.
Daughter
DiL
Who was deported ?

My son is going through trying to get a court order to see his son who he has shared 50% of the time for 2 years until November when his ex stopped all contact when he got a new girlfriend. I've not seen my grandson since November either. I've sent him presents and cards, asked the ex if I can speak to him to which she said to wait til court and so I sent him a letter. I have sought advice and as my son is trying to get a court order and I will then see him if hes successful there is no more I can do at the moment. I would probably have said once give her some time but not now. Its sad that people have to go down the legal route and some can't put their children first. It's not your fault you have built up a bond with him and why should you give up your time with him. He obviously loves spending time with you and by the sound of her I wouldn't want her staying in my home. Agree one night a week and if she is still awkward take it further.