Overnight Visits

Such a awful situation to be in. All very well for people to say back off but that eould be terribly hard to do as obviously you really love your gc. I have a gc and daughter. I find daughter and sil so very jealous. Daughter was spoilt and thinks this should carry on for ever. Seperated from gc as I am now with covid. I am really struggling, she is really all I have. I hope you get it sorted. Maybe you can try patting the daughter on the back all the time. I find I have yo rediculous I know but if it means I see gc I will do anything.

I don't have a medical background, but as a teacher I have often been aware of the kind of situation your family is in.

I think for the time being you will have to accept that the child's mother can dictate that he is only with you if she visits as well.

It sounds as if she either is jealous of the child's attachment to you, or insecure and feeling that her son prefers you to her. These feelings are difficult for both you and her.

The only way to cope is to try to make her feel more secure as a mother by trying to do things that include her when you are all together.

Obviously, we don't kno w the whole story - are you living in the UK, or somewhere else?
There has been a very extreme situation for the social authorities to remove a baby from h is mother and place him in care. It is good that the child was placed with his grandparents rather than with strangers, but even so, his mother is probably terrified that he will be taken away from her again.

You say the child's father was the problem and has now been deported, so obviously there was something very unpleasant going on, which I am sure must be difficult for both you and your daughter to get past.

Concentrate right now on improving your relationship with her as the child's mother by making it clear that you are not trying to usurp her position as his mother, nor are you a spy for the social authorities who decided originally to place him in care.

I hope you can reach an agreement so the child still is able to visit, but please, try to include his mother to start with.

It sounds to an outsider as if you are trying to sever a bond between mother and child. When he's older, he'll see that for himself and you'll be in danger of losing him for ever. If you're looking for advice, mine would be to build bridges with Mum, however hard it seems. If you're looking for approval, I doubt you'll get much here.

Your GC has mainly only known you as a carer from a very early age. You don't say how old he is, but the fact that he has been staying overnight for some time means he sees you as the stable part of his life.
You don't say why you won't have his mum stay with you at the same time , but one thing I must say, that both you and daughter seem to be doing, is that your GC is not a possession.
Your job now is to take a step back and act as a support for your daughter, rather than expecting to have 100% notice from your GC.
In the UK we have "supervised visits" where a third party is present , usually away from either home. Is this something that can be arranged? Would it be possible at the very least, for a properly qualified person to be present during visits. someone that your daughter can trust? Someone that can actually teach your daughter how to be a parent?
Don't make it into a war of the child as it is beginning to be, even with your best intentions. There will only be one person damaged ...........

Are you UK based? I notice you said 'mom'

I think your Grandson needs you in his life so I would continue to `fight` to have quality time with him without the mother there. He needs to know he can rely on you, I think a jealous mother must have some other deep rooted issues too.

I agree with Helen 2020 try and avoid the legal route if possible unless you feel that your Grandson could be in any danger . Hope you can keep lines of communication open and you have my sympathy as you only want to help your Grandchild.

Why was the mother unable to look after her child to start with?

You need to seek legal guidance I'm afraid as this was a 'failure to protect' case. Mum probably feels guilty and your natural instinct is to protect the child. Maybe suggest one night a week sleep over so mum can have a break. You pick child up from school/nursery and they stay over & go back to mum the next day. Once restrictions are lifted, go out as a family and let mum be the mum to the child while you step back. She was lucky you were able to have the child or they would have gone to foster care and maybe even adoption. Mum no doubt realises this although not showing it

Sadly, the Mother seems to be feeling very insecure at the moment. Take it from me..... if this goes wrong and her insecurity worsens for any reason, you could end up like us..grandchildrenless. Be very careful to include the mother in everything, even make a fuss of her, encourage interaction between you all. Give her no reason to feel jealous or insecure of your relationship with the little one. It will pay off in the end as she becomes more secure.

Probably best to compromise rather than potentially have a protracted legal battle about the exact terms of your access?

She may be feeling very insecure and wonder whether her son loves his grandparents more than her. She's maybe comparing her situation with that of other parents she's met and feels she falls short - either due to the past circumstances or how her relationship with him is at the moment.

Would it be best to allow her to stay over too or just spend a few hours with them together at the park and praise her for what she does well ( with out being OTT). Maybe saying positive things to your GS about his mother in front of her will build up her confidence and reassure her that you don't want to undermine her or take her son off her again. If she's able to relax with you for a few hours, you can probably get her to leave him with you part of the day while she does something else, then build back up a step at a time to having him overnight on his own again.

It must have been very difficult for everyone involved and, if your daughter agrees to it, maybe mediation/counselling/family therapy/sessions with your church pastor.......... would help everyone.

Anything you can do to build her confidence and show her you love her too, will make her a more confident parent and be good for them both.

Very well done on looking after your GS for a year. I'm exhausted having a wee one for one night these days. It must have been physically and emotionally draining but shows how much you love them.

Blessings and good luck to you all.

you need counselling together without rancor or blaming. Talking therapist

Not sure what country you are in but your post sounds as if the initial placement was done formally so go back to those that did it. I can understand mum being anxious about bonding but, equally, the child should not suddenly be severed from your contact

Is this your daughter and do you regard her mainly as your grandson's 'mom'?
If so, can that be changed?

I think mediation is a great idea.

How old is your grandson? He will soon tell his Mum he wants to see you. I would back away from the situation, stay calm and give your daughter time. It wont be long before she wants a night out or weekend off. Bide your time.

It sounds to me more like a possible mental health issue? Is she stressed, pressured or depressed?
She clearly doesn’t want any lone stays and is behaving quite possessively. Maybe she resents the time you had with him and feels you bonded well but she hasn’t? She seems to be worrying that he may be taken from her again?
Any alone time you can get, where you can interact normally would be ideal. Sounds like you may have to involve others in order to get this?
Worrying and upsetting for you. I hope you can come to an amicable arrangement.

I am thinking that if the mother was separated from her child for a year she will be very worried about her bond with her child. You were the primary caregivers during that very important first year of his life. She sounds in a panic that he will love you more than he loves her. Would it be possible to recognise this and let her know that now she is prime caregiver but there is enough love for everyone to benefit from sharing care? Mediation sounds an excellent way forward if she would agree. I do hope the situation improves so you can all enjoy time with this little boy.

You have a Court Order applied when GC returned to his mother. Why was this granted, what grounds? Court must have thought you having access as being necessary. If your DD doesn't allow you access to GS is she breaking the law? Is there perhaps another man in your daughter's life and she doesn't feel comfortable with you having access to GS in case he tells what happens at home (not saying anything bad is)but DD may feel guilty that she made a bad choice with the other guy and doesn't want to be scrutinised. Very strange situation you are in, no answers only questions.

I’d do it on her terms while you can bear it. Make a big fuss of her while she’s there and a bit less of your grandson. Let her talk as much as she wants and try to ignore bad behaviour. I guess she suspects you only want to see her for access to GS and maybe she thinks you mistrust her. If you can go there and see both of them for the day that would be good too. I guess both of them need their confidence boosting. If it doesn’t work at least you’ve tried.

you say he was 'placed' in your care. so are the authorities who placed him still involved in the case?

Maybe she feels it’s disrupting routine and it takes your grandson a few days to get back to normal after paying you a visit. No doubt you spoil and give your grandson lots of attention which is only natural, I would but going home to Mum is probably hard as she has to set the daily rules.

Maybe agree for Mum and grandson both to come, hopefully she’ll get fed up with staying with you and prefer weekends to herself once she has a choice. Hope it works out for you amicably.

She'll be back when she wants a bit of space. I'd back off for now.

If there are no longer any safeguarding issues.
I would say to harden your hearts and call the bluff.
If there are concerns then contact SS.
Do you really think she can do without your support most likely no.
Do you think she's playing all of you and enjoying all the attention regardless of the emotional stress Its causing the child and family? definately yes.
Decide do you want to continue with this game or give time so she comes to her senses and seeks you.
Sometimes scarcity is a very good thing.

This sounds like a very intense and fraught situation at the centre of which is your love and concern for the little one. This feels like a situation way beyond the scope of general family stresses and strains but I am sure your situation cannot be unique. To a complete layman like myself it sounds as if you could do with help from family mediation. This isn't just a question of defining rights of particular parties you need a workable solution. Could they help you?
Wishing you all the very best and thanking you for your generous support for a vulnerable little boy and his mother.

Is this woman your daughter