Lost son-in-law

Unless he was abusive in any way to your daughter I'd keep in touch with him. My brother, about 45 years ago, had a girlfriend who was loved by all my family, but he messed her around once too often and she married someone else. However we stayed in touch with her, and when 12 years ago my mother was dying of cancer, this lovely lady was so much comfort and help to her. She watched my son grow up, and was at his wedding just a few years ago, and she's one of my dearest friends. Just because the couple split doesn't mean their families should "divorce" too.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My daughter and her husband have been divorced for 16 years they had three children who are now grown up.
We still have a great relationship with him, he visits us, we visit him and we still call him our son in law.
My daughter doesn’t mind this as they are still great friends and they sometimes visit together as we live 80 miles away.
I often think it would be lovely if they got back together but they have both said they are better off as friends.

Ask your daughter. And then respect what she says. She could be very hurt if you remain in contact with him.

We are in contact with our ex sil even though her ex husband never speaks to her or her( and his) children. My daughter sometimes stays with her when she goes over to the uk and they have a good relationship. She never sees my husband’s brother, her ex, and he never bothers with anyone in our family.

After I divorced, my father in law 'Grandad' used to stay with
me (in France)when visiting the kids and we got on well especially after my mother in law died.
However if my Mother had kept up a friendly relationship with my ex I would have been furious and felt betrayed,
strange really.

newatthis your experience with your much loved son in law has been exactly the same as ours - after 10 years together & 7 of marriage, DD decided they were growing apart & despite trying counselling, she left the marriage. I was absolutely heartbroken as we adored SIL & thought of him as a son. Fortunately no children were involved as, despite 3 attempts at IVF, none appeared. Since the break up, we have kept in touch with SIL as the parting took its toll on him mentally & I wanted to support him through that. We had a few initial hiccups with DD who felt we were "siding" with him through the break up but we got through that. She has now met a man who, with hindsight, is far more suited to her than SIL ever was & who even looks like her! Once she satisfied herself that we weren't comparing him unfavourably with SIL, she is once again ok with us still having contact. After all, she divorced him, we didn't ask her to & he's our friend, I should hate to have lost him. Sadly, over 2 years later, he has yet to find anyone to share his life with again but I'm sure there's someone out there for him & he'll find her if he doesn't look too hard - he was desperate to start with & dated lots of girls, none of whom were deemed suitable. He's more relaxed about it now, hopefully Ms Right is waiting

Please check with your daughter first. She may feel betrayed by you if you do it behind her back.
Going forward when she meets a new partner they may think it strange you are still in contact with her various exes. I know my son’s new girlfriend always hated any mention of any of his exes. So glad to hear there are no children involved. I am always so sad to read all the complicated, convoluted family dynamics children are trying to navigate.

DS split up with a GF of 5 years, when they were in their 20s, just lives moving on. We liked the girl very much and wrote to her wishing her well in the future. Many years later a colleague told me she had just met this girl/woman at a conference and had asked to be remembered to us, she had appreciated our letter. So I would definitely write to your ex-sil.

Here in Denmark it is quite usual for people still to see their ex-sons or daughters in law, if they have been close to them.

Obviously, you should mention to your daughter that you would like to keep up a friendship with her ex-husband and see what she says.

If she is all right with it, go ahead, but don't invite him when you expect her!

If she is not okay with it, it is a harder decision, but in that case I would write or phone him and explain quite honestly that you hope to be able to see him, but your daughter thought it sounded odd, so when lockdown ends, meet him in some public place or in his new home, rather than in yours.

I dunno... no I'd leave it. He would eventually move on anyway - making new relationships with his next partner's family, and you could be left with just your daughter anyway, who may by then resent you for being disloyal (she might see it that way even though it's not your intention). You can't afford to invest in a relationship with a person who almost certainly will eventually lose interest in you, at the potential expense of a relationship that would normally expect to be permanent - that with your daughter.

Thank you all for all the support and your useful suggestions. I have spoken to my daughter who is happy for us to contact him - now it's just a case of finding the right words.

My elder son is divorced & we have always kept in touch with his ex wife. TBH it was the fact that the children live mainly with her in a house he bought for them all that made this possible. They now get on really well & the children are fine.
They did go to mediation when they first split up which was brilliant & if the time comes when you could suggest this it could help a lot.

I really feel for you in this situation. Totally agree with the comments suggesting that you drop him a note saying how sad you were at the breakdown of the marriage as you loved him like a son and whilst not wishing to take sides you wish him well for the future. Keep it simple. Your daughter would I am sure realise how much you cared about him and would know her actions would have a ripple effect on family and friends. This is your goodbye not hers.

I think you need to speak to your daughter before you do anything and get her response to this.

When our son broke up with his long term girlfriend, of whom we were very fond, we sent her a letter saying how sorry we were, what a lovely person she was and how she deserved someone to make her very happy - we were only sad that it wasn't to be our son.
She replied very graciously and we are still Facebook friends, although not really in touch. I still miss her.

I felt like that when my son split with his ex partner. I asked him if he minded if I kept in touch with her, he said he didnt want me to. I spoke to her on the phone after the split and said how sorry i was but havent contacted her since. He is now married to someone else and has two children.

You sound very fond of him and as long as it doesn't upset your daughter, why not give it a try.

I’m still good friends with my ex mil 30 + years after my divorce, I divorced him not his family

I can’t see why not but it might be a good idea to let your daughter know

Why should you have to lose contact with someone that has come into your life because the marriage has ended? My sister has been married 5 times and at one time 2 of her ex-husband's lived in the same street! She threw the marriages into touch every time. My parents did keep in touch with 2 of her husband's for quite a while after the marriages broke up.
You could contact him and say how you feel but leave the decision up to him if he wants to maintain the contact; why should you have to sever contact with him because your daughter has decided.not to continue with the marriage?

Absolutely. Take your time and tread gently but yes! It will help him and in time it won't matter at all to your daughter. Never lose touch with those you care about and never miss the chance to extend a caring hand to someone who needs support.

Maybe send him a card and say that you have always loved having him as a son in law and if it is ok with him, that you would like to keep in touch.
Just be careful that you explain it to your daughter or you may get a bit of a backlash from her and she may feel you are taking sides.
Divorce under any circumstances is a bit of a mine field at least in the early stages. I will say that my mum kept in fairly close contact with most of the exes in the family - a sister in law and a daughter in law, but not my ex - but then she didn't like him anyway!!

My ex SIL still fixes my car and helps me if I need to vet a new one. He doesn't mind. He is still in direct contact with my granddaughter and she is his step child not biological. He was in our lives (on and off) for over 15 years. Its hard to just shut out relationships like that.

In my opinion if there had been children involved it would have been only natural and healthy to maintain a good relationship.
As there are no children then I would think it’s up to your daughter. If she thinks it’s okay, then send him a short letter to tell him how fond you were and that you hope he’s doing okay.
If your daughter would rather you didn’t then I’d let it go out of loyalty to her.