Are you a people pleaser?

No, I think I’m more of an irritant.

I think lots of us are relearning because life was very different when we were children. We tended to be brought up to obey and that’s still with us years later.

I get a lot of pleasure out of helping others, so that pleasure is my own reward. However, over the past few years , while I have been unable (caring responsibilities, ill health) to be as active in the community and friendship groups as previously, I have noticed that apart from two near life long friends there is little reciprocity. Turns out I was tolerated because I was 'useful' but never liked nor cared about.

No it isn’t pathetic at all lovebeige we sometimes learn behaviour in childhood in order to cope. I am still re learning as an adult, behaviour which serves me better. It ain’t easy.

I was brought up to be a people pleaser. Dad was an awful bully and we were his doormats though we sometimes kicked up a fuss. A lack of confidence and self esteem was the result of being brow beaten at a low level on a daily basis which gets you down. I don't think he was even aware of how badly he threw his weight around. It's taken years, if not decades, to learn to say no. Pathetic, isn't it?

Thank you for your interesting posts. Sometimes in trying to please others we forget about what is right for us. That favour that turns into an expectation, the person who feels that we should be at their beck and call and when they have no further use of us walks away without a backward glance.

I am now more selective about what I say yes to. I ask myself do I want to do this, does it feel right, would I enjoy it, does it fit in with my other commitments and lifestyle. If the answer is no then I decline. We all have different priorities and ours are not always the same as that person who wants our time. If they want my time they have to get in the queue with all the other people who feel they have a right to make demands on me.

Yes, I’m afraid I am a people pleaser, but I don’t want to be. I think it’s because I have low self-confidence and just want to be liked, but then I dislike myself for saying “yes” to something I don’t want to do and I feel wretched! My DH is not a people pleaser and I try to learn from him. He even bought me a book called The Joy of No which is helpful. I need to re-read it though! People pleasing shows a lack of respect for yourself, I always think, but then I’m still guilty of it. If you say to someone “I need to think about it”, it almost prepares them for a “no” answer, but I agonise about having to say “no”! Wish I was not like this, but of course it’s been easier during lockdown as we can’t go anywhere anyway.

I used to be at work if I thought it was advantageous. I’m not in general life, but it’s rare that I’m blunt, only if nothing else works, I temper my responses to the person and situation.

On the whole no, because it can build resentment. Best to be honest but kind, I think people will respect you more for it.

People pleasers have such a hard life. My husband was one, and one of my daughters. Also, a friend. I think they believe that the ones who love them, will always be there, no matter what, so they end up being almost disloyal to them, in their efforts to please people who really don’t matter. The people pleasers I know, are generally miffed, because they don’t get back what they give, or think they’ve given. They just can’t say ‘ NO’. My husband is better now, with lots of training! ?

I have always been an awkward cuss, I am sure not news to anyone on GN. I can and do work cooperatively and never set out to rock boats but if the choice is between going out on a limb and being myself or pretending to be someone I am not, then I take a cushion and sit on the limb. Nobody is convinced when I pretend anyway, so usually send out on the limb.

A big NO from me,if i don`t want to do something then i don`t do it.
Family and friends know this ,so it`s never been a problem.

When I was younger I did fall in with other people's plans and expectations but I don't now. Too much of my time spent pleasing others and not myself.

I used to think it was important to be nice to everyone and found it hard to wriggle out of things. The worm turned when I realised a couple of "charming friends" were just using me as an unpaid dogsbody when they were planning some event which would shower them in glory. My rule is if you want something done you do it yourself or hire someone in.
Nowadays I'm like you Judy54. I say "I need to think about it".

I have been one all my life. It’s been going on for so long that I barely know who I am and what I, ME, actually want!
Yes, it is a bit of brown nosing but if it keeps the family happy, stops confrontations, etc., yes I go for it.
I avoid situations where I have to meet people I don’t want, and be in situations that stress me out. I am a bit of a recluse; more so in the last year.
Pathetic aren’t I?

After many years of finding myself doing something or being somewhere that I didn’t want, I realised that an awkward few seconds spent saying No was far better, and quicker than the resentment of spending the time and money. I still find it difficult though.

Very much so for friends and family I like to see them happy

A ‘people pleaser’ is such a negative term I liken It to a xxxx licker but I don’t see me as a people pleaser but I do very much try to help if possible I certainly wouldn’t be harsh enough to say ‘ I don’t want to do that’ I m not saying I d make up an out and out lie but I might bend things a bit to try and refuse kindly
I ve had someone refuse a gift once because it wasn’t to their taste and I was very very hurt so I don’t really want to be an advocate of brutal honesty I think a gentler way of refusing something is much better and doesn’t make me a coward

I used to be a bit of a ‘yes to everything sort of person’ but not any more. Now I please myself.
However I would do something I didn’t want to if I thought it meant a lot to family or a friend.
I certainly wouldn’t do something just to please anyone else.

We went to pub quiz nights out for years. Initially with some friends and some new people joined the group. Who we didn't know and personality clashes started to reveal themselves. I decided to stop going as I didn't want to be in their company. How shall I put it? they were not my cup of tea.
I like down to earth people who I can be myself with and straight talking. We have a few friends we have known most of our lives. We get together (pre covid) when We can no pressure. We mostly retired same time and all have grandchildren now. We all support each other and we are like family. I like to be helpful and kind I do what I want to do if it pleasers others that's fine by me.

Yes I'm naturally a people pleaser but life has toughened me up so I find it easier to say no now.

My trouble is I want people to like me even if I don't like them!

Hmm, there is something I help out at pre-Covid, I really don’t want to start doing it again, when we can.

Think I will simply say that I don’t want to re-join, but feel awkward.

Would you like me to be?

Only joking!

Not anymore, it took me until I was about 50 to realise and to stop trying.

I had a narcissistic mother so I grew up trying to please and never succeeding.

No never, went to a dreary girls school where we were probably expected to people pleasers (doormats?), never quite took it on board ???

Oh my goodness I am. Pathetically so and I hate myself for it.
Don’t get me wrong I am a a very strong capable person but I have this terrible feebleness about me that makes me want to appease all the time. I truly hate this about myself.