DD is the noisy neighbour!

We live next to two small children aged 3 & 5, I love hearing them run around the garden laughing, shouting and having fun. Last week we were enjoying the sun in the garden and got soaked by the kids waterpistols! They got into such trouble with Mum & Dad but we laughed it off, it was only water. We sometimes hear the kids meltdowns but they don’t last long. I find having a good relationship with neighbours helps so you can talk to them if anything is a problem. Our house is up for sale ( nothing to do with the neighbours) and it backs onto a primary school fields, some viewers hate that and worry about noise. We love hearing them play - we must be odd ?

Think your DD needs to take a robust approach to this. Her neighbour is being unreasonable and trying to control her. Only way to deal with this kind of bully is not to back down.
If at all possible I’d move DS into a room that is on the opposite side to the neighbours so morning meltdowns are at least muted which will lower the stress levels? Evenings when her DD is struggling to sleep - tough. At that hour the neighbour can to use earplugs or put the radio on. It’s probably not even that bad. Sitting out with friends having a chat and it’s before 9 pm - again, tough. If the neighbours need excessive quiet then they need to move to a detached house in middle of nowhere (and then they’d be woken up by birdsong at 5.30 am every morning and still complain.) Your DD needs to stand firm on this one. And btw her children’s medical diagnosis are not anyone’s business especially her neighbours. Anyway lots of kids are very noisy. Just the way it is!

I feel deeply for you daughter. A few years ago I was victim of a complaining couple who took their untrue complaints to the council three times. I am a strong woman but it really affected me to the extent that a letter with the council logo on it still makes me feel slightly sick. Eventually the man of the couple came and hammered on my door and shouted at me and I made an official complaint to the police and spoke to the council about the harassment. They of course could not confirm that the man who had shouted at me was the complainant but as a reult of my conversation with them, they did confirm that both previous complaints had failed because the complainants had never produced noise diaries. They also have now changed their practice and the person being complained about is now not even contacted until a noise diary has been completed and the council have confirmed for themselves that there actually is a problem.
sorry...long diversion....my point is that if the neighbours are harassing her she should be calling the police and making a complaint and getting a crime number and TELLING the neighbour that she has done so. Is she getting any support for her children's problems? If so then she could discuss the complaint issue with whoever is supporting her?

I can't help but wonder if the next-door neighbour would be less aggressive if there were a partner on the scene. Some men take the opportunity to throw their weight around if faced with a single woman.

Your daughter should not apologise. Her neighbours will see that as an admission that she is in the wrong, which she is not.

She should explain that her one child is autistic and the other is dealing with severe anxiety at the moment.

This means there may be more noise at time than either she or the neighbours care for, but is unavoidable and she is working on solving the problems.

She could mention that she fully understands that working nights mean you sleep during the day, but that is not her problem. Anyone who works at night must surely realise that other people live their lives during the day.

A reasonable amount of noise whether of children playing, crying, lawns being mown or vacuuming or power tools being used during the day is to be expected and that no-one can or should complain about this.

It would be a great help to her if her neighbours were more understanding.

After that she needs to ignore their complaints because if the level of noise from her home is as you describe it, which I am sure it is, her neighbours have absolutely no grounds for complaint.

My thoughts exactly Bumblebee..... I have an autistic daughter, and she is now 18, she used to scream about having to put on socks with seams in (because it was uncomfortable, and intolerable for her to wear) but less painful than wearing shoes that rub without socks, having to brush her hair (again not nice for autistic) She had melt downs every morning about going to school, because of the fear of "strangers", too many people, too much noise.. It used to give her a panic attack, social phobia, and anxiety... That poor mum has enough to deal with without the neighbours making her life worse! And if you think listening to a child with autism is harrowing, just think how it is that it is your child, you can do nothing to stop the meltdown and have people give you filthy looks and talk about you and complain..... Try coping with no sleep, and constant worry for your child, and fighting for their educational and human rights, trying to do your best as a mum, and having neighbours complain... Just as a note autistic people are entitled to their right to life, they are entitled to express themselves as they wish, and they are protected by disability law which allows them to be themselves, that includes the normal meltdowns, which is normal for the autistic.... The neighbour has no right to silence during the day, she could complain, but if she did the fact that the child is autistic and can't help meltdowns would go against the neighbour.

How horrible to have to live next door to someone like that!
If his OH is on nights, I feel sorry for them but as the children's "spells" seem to be at only certain times of the day, I am pretty sure that at 7am and 7pm, she will either be on the way home, or just walked in the door or on the way out so most probably not affecting her at all - just him being an .......!
If you are chatting out in the garden, there is a tendency to speak slightly louder than indoors, especially if socially distancing but as your daughter was unaware, of what was happening next door, I don't see why your DD should stop having friends round, it is her home after all.

But I now have a law degree, and my daughter is looking into an access course to university.... So, no your daughter should not apologise, this is "normal everyday noise---for a disabled child with autism".

I agree with you also crazygranny.... I was a single mum to two disabled children... And the male neighbour would knock on my door continually... "your grass is too long, when are you going to cut it", "your hedge is too long when will you cut that". "Don't leave your bin out until the night before pick up", Don't let your visitors park too close to my drop down curb"..... That's besides the "Your child woke me up this morning at 7am" etc.... I don't think he would have had the nerve to keep on like this if I had a partner, who would tell him to go away.

I feel your daughter's pain. My daughter went through the same thing with her highly anxious daughter who had meltdowns at bedtime and she was reported to Social Services. SS came out, offered useless advice about what not to do but couldn't help with what to do, and they eventually gave up with an apology for treating my daughter as if she was an abusive mother when she obviously wasn't. They arranged for "Enabling Families" to come to help and the process is ongoing which, if nothing else, makes my daughter feel as if someone wants to help. Maybe your daughter could do with support from an outside agency; the Council tend to be on board with the children then rather than the neighbours.
You don't say whether the house is privately owned or rented. If it is privately owned, you can get sound proofing done on the party wall which would be cheaper than moving. It is quite reasonable for the children to be playing out in the garden or your daughter having people out there. It is incumbent on the shift worker to manage their sleep but you could ask if there were times when it would be better to plan a gathering or give the neighbour warning.
If it is social housing, give the housing society a call and explain the problem. They may suggest a way forward but you are in a better position if you explain the problems before the neighbour complains. It may be more difficult with a private Landlord but at least moving to a different property may not be as difficult if it comes to that.

Give me noisy children any day over power tools. Why are people so intolerant of normal noises?
Your poor daughter could do with some support and compassion from her neighbours. That's what builds communities. She is dealing with a lot, and must hold her head high as a parent doing their best.

Think your neighbours are being completely unreasonable and should understand children are noisy at times !

As I’ve said on other threads I am/was the “noisy” neighbour

With dogs and kids and terraced houses with small back gardens comes noise and often conflict !

I try/tried my best to ensure when the kids were young they went to bed at a decent and reasonable hour, normally 7:30pm on a school night and tried to keep them quiet in the mornings, but with 3 under 5 it’s a massive ask. In the school holidays we took them out every day for a couple of hours and though going to bed later, the evenings were for calm activities, reading or TV

Your poor DD has my every sympathy x

I was a night shift worker for many years as were two of my neighbours on one side. My neighbour on the other side had 3 dgs who loved kicking a football against the wall seperating the two buildings. I didn't complain because they were just being children and it was part of life. I did mention it in passing one day and it stopped immediately. The dgs still made lots of noise as they do at grans house. If the noise is happening after 7am and before 10 at night then it would not affect a night shift worker unless they finish very early in the morning

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Can your daughter go round during the day & explain the difficulties the children are having and ask the neighbours to make allowances?
Kids have been through hell in the last year and if all you're getting is 2 tantrums a day I applaud you. Kids do not have a platform to vent on and have kept everything in to carry on as 'normal.' There are plenty of adults out there who have suffered so I think your neighbours need to remember to "be kind!"
My son is autistic and now an adult and yes meltdowns are harrowing so try dealing with them all day, everyday and you'll realise what a blessing 1 meltdown is.. There is NOTHING anyone can do so you just have to get on with it

This neighbour is being very unreasonable. I don't think your daughter has any need to apologise or explain.
We once lived next door to some neighbours who had the cheek to complain about our son playing his flute! He achieved Grade 8 so it was actually beautiful music and such a gentle sound, not like a trumpet or a beginner on the violin.
They were often doing DIY with power tools, so they were the ones being unreasonable.
Some people are just intolerant complainers.

I suspect the neighbour wouldn't have said anything had your daughter not been on her own. Bullies often start with women on their own.
I would definitely not explain if i was your DD and F off would eventually come out. But i feel for your daughter as she will be at a low ebb with all this lockdown
She isn't a noisy neighbour what you have described is normal family noise. My GS cries every morning as i take him out to the car it's not against the law. It's the loud thumping music etc and kids screaming all day unsupervised that is a noise nuisance.
Anybody working shifts has to accomodate other people's lives.
Hope your daughter can get the strength and support to rise above the neighbour.

Well if it was me (I hate confrontation) I would kill him with kindness! I would invite him and his wife round (garden or inside when it's allowed) for a coffee/glass of wine and a chat. I think once you 'make friends' with your neighbours they might be a little more tolerant and find it harder to complain. Not ideal, but it's worth a try!

She is doing nothing wrong, she is doing her best and sounds like a lovely neighbour to me. I'd be offering encouragement and support if she was next to me, a little child-noise is not a big deal
Having said that living next to miserable, moaning neighbours is not conducive to a happy life. If possible she could move and interview the neighbours first! She deserves to be happy, she has enough on her plate

Thanks everyone for all your supportive comments. No real updates here, but DD is talking about moving back and her self esteem is higher. She has realised that she is not at fault and that she is actually coping with the children really well.
I remembered something else the other day. When she first moved in said neighbours asked her to have a word with the farmer (they back on to a field) as the self seeded sycamore tree which was quite large was rubbing against her fence at the bottom and making a squeaking noise! They are obviously very noise sensitive. She did actually get farmer to do this but because it was quite near to an overhead telephone line that went through its branches. However, it has started growing again!

DD can be a ’noise denier’. ? Kids have to live. Neighbours have to understand we live in a society where it is unacceptable for children to be ’seen and not heard’. Who hasn’t groaned at the neighbour who starts up their noisy lawnmower the minute the sun shines? No-one willingly allows their children to be exceptionally noisy, and I don’t know what the neighbours expect your DD to do. We have all experienced being with ’that child’ in a supermarket etc. My DGD kicked off in a coffee shop which caused me immense embarassment but after I quietly explained that the people around were trying to enjoy a quiet cup of coffee and she would not get the treat she had previously been promised, she settled well - but that is not a strategy for every day. I feel sad that your daughter’s enjoyment of her home is being spoiled by intolerant neighbours.

Your DD doesn't need to explain or apologise and by the sound of it he wouldn't be sympathetic or understanding anyway. What she does need to do is ignore him and tell him she will be reporting him for harassment if this complaining doesn't stop sadly he thinks he can get away with it as there isn't a man around he's a bully . Your DD is doing her best and needs support and unfortunately needs to grow a tougher skin and just keep reminding herself she's standing up for her children .

I agree he’s a bully, and probably likes the sound of his own voice, but it sounds as if they are both whingers! Is it possible for DD to erect a high fence to ‘help with the noise-proofing’, ie shut them out! If they have problems with an occasional 15 mins of noise morning or evening, they would complain wherever they lived. Not your daughter’s problem at all.

Would it be possible for you to go over and spend the whole day or even a couple of days at DDs house preferably parking your car out of sight. If the neighbours complain you can appear. A lot of people seem to like making life difficult for women alone

The neighbours are definitely being unreasonable, especially if they know about the children's difficulties. It's not as if your DD is playing loud music, doing loads of DIY, hosting noisy parties, rowing with a partner, letting off fireworks, swearing loudly etc etc. Someone could have offered to help if they were decent neighbours. It's not right that she's effectively had to move out of her own home. If you're happy with the arrangement though, could your daughter rent out the house to help pay the bills and make some cash?