Feeling sorry for men

Polarbear2

So the compliment thing.. can I say you look well?? Can I not say anything nice to anyone? Genuinely both astonished and interested.

I think that would be okay. I wouldn't tell someone they look unwell though.

FarNorth

Would the personal trainer have commented to a man that his muscles were developing nicely?
If not, why not?

Which muscles was he referring to, anyway?
Perhaps they were ones close to her breasts, for instance.
Or perhaps he said it in a tone he wouldn't use to a man.

We don't know enough about that incident to be sure it was an innocent comment but it's nice for the guy that he can get sympathy from some of his lady clients.

The man is a professional. He's said the same thing to my 85 year old mother. I doubt he fancies her and she certainly didn't take offence. She was glad to know her hard work was paying off. My mam works hard to keep her bones and muscles strong and it's nice to be told by someone who knows about these things that it's working.

As for being weird for telling someone that they have great hair or look nice then I'll keep being weird. I've never had a negative response from any woman and I've complimented women of all ages from young women in amazing goth boots to an old lady who looked brilliant in clothes/colours that really suited her. Each compliment has been met with a smile and a thank you....even a chat sometimes esp. if they're elderly. If I'm weird to brighten someone's day then I'll stay weird.

vampirequeen your DH is too kind tell him not to touch other people’s washing with a barge pole!

I should say that I also complimented a young man at the hairdressers the other day as his hair was lovely and he was sweeping up his own cuttings. I didn't know at the time he was the stylists grandson. He was dead chuffed and so was she.

Galaxy

How will women know which ones are predators and which ones arent. There are currently reports of a well known TV show where its was commonplace for a man to lay his penis on the shoulder of his female cast. The issue is not people holding open doors.

By their actions.
Just because one man behaves in this way doesnt mean all would if they could.

You wouldn't group let's say Goldfish and sharks under the heading 'dangerous' and treat both accordingly would you?

I dont like any group being tarred with the same brush.

I suppose I don't mind if someone says I look nice. I say thanks but it doesn't make me feel anything. It's just not that important to me. The only time I recall feeling a little annoyed by it was when it came from the husband of a friend who had a firm religious belief that women should wear skirts. He had to tell me how nice it was to see me in a skirt. I usually wore jeans. That was less being annoyed about the comment itself though and more about him pushing his idea of what a woman should be on me.

I don't get offended or read into things too easily but I think you can tell if something has an undertone you aren't comfortable with.

I agree with your OP and your subsequent comments vampire.

vamp. I paid for a sports massage therapist at one point for a bad back. I was going through a messy divorce and had lost a lot of weight. He told me straight I was too thin and I needed to get a grip and stop letting my ex ‘do this to me’. Now I can imagine some people would be offended but I wasn’t. It was a wake up call and I’ve never forgotten it. His comments on my body actually helped me. I guess each situation is different depending on life at that point?

But no one is saying you cant do that OP. What you cant do is control peoples reactions to it. Sone will like it and sone wont. People are entitled t to react in the way they want, within reason!

Sadly it's the times we live in and everyone has to be weary.There is also women who mis-interpret what was said!
My wonderful father was great with children,and they seemed drawn to him.He was a very hands on Dad,in a time where most fathers weren't.He did bath time,stories and bedtime and was also brilliant and calm at dealing with ailments and injuries.In fact I don't ever remember my DM doing any of the above things.In later years my Aunt said she ways thought that my DF was a pervert,for doing all the things above! Obviously I was furious! But he was aware back in the 70's that men have to be very wary when they're out and that you can't rush to help a child who has fallen over,for fear of being accused. Vampirequeen I get what your post is about,others have taken it out of context.We are in an age where we have to be careful of everything we say.I doubted myself when I was left briefly with a cousins baby,that I didn't really know,as soon as the parents popped out the baby did an explosive poop that I obviously immediately cleaned up,but I was then worried that they might deem it inappropriate! They were fine and very thankful but I amazed myself that I was even thinking like that.Once upon a time I wouldn't have! MOnica,your uncle sounds like a lovely man.I appreciated reading that and your end line......

vq, the tone the trainer uses to speak to your mother may be completely different from how he might speak to younger women.
We cannot know.

I suspect he wouldn't tell a man his muscles were developing nicely, but would comment on how much more weight the man could lift etc.

Polarbear
I have worked in situations where women have outnumbered men.
We used to employ young men straight out of school or university, sometimes just for the holidays, and we would tease them, and there would be lots of innuendo going on.
We were never unkind, we usually became very fond of them, but we certainly don’t behave like it now, I think it would seem very inappropriate.

PolarBear, I think that can depend on the relationship you have with the professional. I have a professional I've been seeing for years. He's given me a friendly and perfectly appropriate hug before. I was a bit surprised but I know he's okay and it was just friendly. I think our instincts can tell us a lot.

GagaJo

Until other men (the good ones) call out the bad ones for poor attitudes etc, I don't have sympathy with them.

I would confront anyone that was racist, homophobic. Men need to do this as standard with sexist/abusive men. WHEN that happens, things will start to change. When that happens, then I will feel for those being tarred by the same brush.

I actually see this happening now, with my sons friends.

I'm not saying there arnt huge problems with some men and how they view sex and treat women.
But it's silly to judge all by one stereotype.

We hate it when were treated in this way dont we?

"I suspect he wouldn't tell a man his muscles were developing nicely, but would comment on how much more weight the man could lift etc."

That might depend on the goal the client had set or what he had said to the trainer. If one of his goals was to develop his muscles or muscle definition, I think he might tell a man his muscles are developing nicely.

A man sitting in a van told me he liked my coat the other day. I can't decide should I or my coat feel offended? (it is a rather gorgeous velvet one).
I feel sorry for men who are doing their best to behave. I fear that lots of men are failing to go into certain fields, such as early years education because they are afraid to have contact with young children.

An anecdote I've told before on here....

A former boss would swear like a trooper - the f-word mostly. If I was around when he was swearing he would apologise to me by name. So, I was singled out from the (mainly male) workforce as being uniquely unable to cope with hearing swearwords; maybe he thought I'd melt into a little puddle of shock and embarrassment.

He thought he was being polite. He wasn't. He was showing that he thought I was different to everybody else by dint of being female. If you feel you can't swear in front of me, don't swear in front of anybody.

This, IMO, is what happens with the compliments and door opening. You don't need to do it, I can manage without it. I don't get offended, I usually think the perpetrator is a dear old soul who hasn't quite moved with the times.

BTW - the swearing/apologising stopped when I used it back at him. That was fun.

FarNorth

*vq*, the tone the trainer uses to speak to your mother may be completely different from how he might speak to younger women.
We cannot know.

I suspect he wouldn't tell a man his muscles were developing nicely, but would comment on how much more weight the man could lift etc.

This seems to a be an assumption. He's a professional. His job is to help people to become fitter and/or maintain fitness. Why would you suspect he would say anything different to a man? He's also told my mam that she lifts more weight than a lot of younger people (male and female). His job isn't just to train the body but to encourage. Surely part of this is done via statements regarding how well the client is doing.

DH takes our little dog out for a walk each afternoon, the route taking him past a fenced in playground. Children from the local school play there every day on their way home from school, accompanied by their mothers. DH went past, the girls started squealing "ah, little puppy, Puppy! Puppy!" and ran over to the fence wanting to pet her. DH called over to the mums "Is that okay?" and they all replied yes so he took the dog over for a few minutes (the dog enjoyed the fuss as much as the girls).

The next day they were there again and wanted to fuss the 'puppy' and the same thing happened. When he got home, he was worried that, just because he took the same route at the same time, someone might think he did it on purpose and think he was a perv.

He has bypassed the playground ever since, which is so sad because the dog adores children and these kids loved her.

I’m with you vq on all your comments. ?

I too pass random compliments to other women sometimes. ‘I really like your jacket/shoes/hair’. Always a beaming smile back and a ‘thank you how kind’.

I also keep a door open for whoever has approached after me. A common courtesy.

This is a funny old world these days. Sad really.

That is sad. Everyone was enjoying the time but the fear of being judged stopped it.

It is hard on men, for example if there was a woman clearly drunk and incapable on the street at night, would he dare stop and help?

I found an 18 month child on our street and to cut a long story short had to get a witness to support me as I called the Police and dealt with the situation, I was so worried I could be accused of abduction.

It’s across the board not just a male issue.
What is deemed acceptable language changes all the time, some people object to the term mixed race and prefer combined heritage.
Gender fluid people prefer they to he/she.
Women can object to Mrs/Miss and prefer Ms.
My daughter once spoke to a couple in a Brighton restaurant and complimented them on their little girls behaviour, she was chastised as the child was gender neutral.

There is always someone waiting to be offended.

"There is always someone waiting to be offended."

In fact some people seem to be looking for something to be offended by.

Now that's true sago

Sorry, I'm on a roll...

In what possible world is it acceptable to compliment a child's behaviour in a restaurant when you don't know the family?

Its none of your business, honestly. It must be me.....