Feeling sorry for men

I once had the 'misfortune' to be in the company of a female /lady? whose comments about my appearance, ( had they been uttered by a male, 'shock horror,?) were seen as amusing .

This will be a bit of an essay, apologies in advance.

I’m not offended by compliments. I find it strange that anyone would even think of commenting to a complete stranger about their hair, coat or parenting skills. If a young man told me I was “nicely presented” I’d be bemused, not offended though. I compliment my friends often, because I know their backstories. I don’t compliment random people going about their business because I don’t know theirs, and I believe it’s none of my business.

And IMO this is relevant to the OP. The story about hanging up the neighbours washing, for instance. I really find it bizarre that anybody would overthink this so much. If you are worried that you neighbour doesn’t want you touching their washing, don’t touch their washing. If you are worried some random person coming along the street will think you are a pervert, get over yourself.

What you think is a nice compliment comes with baggage. If you tell someone they’ve lost weight, did you think they were heavy before? Do you think its nice to point out changes in somebody's body? Or might you wonder why they have lost weight? Are they ill, could you pointing it out make them sad?

DH’s mother used to go ballistic if he didn’t walk between her and the traffic. What on earth are they meant to be protecting you from? Men are meant to go downstairs first, before a lady, in case she falls. Haven’t seen that lately, because it’s so blooming daft.

Hold the door open for people if you want to. But be aware that it means you think they need somebody opening doors for them. It’s not polite, it used to be when women were dainty little flowers, but it isn’t any more. Most people will just smile and say thank you. If people object to you opening doors for them, just stop doing it. Nobody will be offended by that, I’m sure. (NB – opening doors – not holding the door for the next person coming along.)

I’m afraid my initial idea hasn’t changed. The people who say they don’t know what’s acceptable any more just need to pay more attention.

Here endeth the lesson.

That wasn't a lesson, more of a sermon!
I often fall into conversation with people at the bus stop. Once a lady was wearing a coat of such a striking colour that I couldn't help commenting. It was very unusual but beautiful. She was pleased I'd commented as she'd really not known whether to get it or not. We ended up having a nice chat.
I think it's all in the context and the way things are said rather than going through life in silence. We're mostly a sociable race and tend to look for common ground if meeting a new person. This is where the weather comes in handy!
I have dear friend, a gay man, whose endearing greeting is always, 'Oh you've lost weight'! It's always nice to hear even though it's not necessarily true.

I find compliments from strangers odd, however, I assume they are lonely and are trying to start a conversation. I can think of no other reason for them to speak to someone they don't know. It may depend on which part of the country you are in.

Alegrias1
I agree with your comment that if you are in any way concerned an action or comment might be misinterpreted, don’t do/say it. I would feel a bit weird if one of my male neighbors had been handling my knickers.
But most people enjoy a complement, we can all say, we dress, decorate our homes, style our hair just for us, which is as it should be, but it’s still nice when someone appreciates your taste.

I had a colleague who was really offended that I hadn’t noticed her weight loss. I genuinely hadn’t noticed anything different about her but apparently, she’d lost two stone in a couple of months, on a weight loss programme. She tore me off a strip for not noticing. ?

Surely opening doors, letting someone go first etc is politeness and nothing to do with thinking they’re not capable. I’ll make sure I apply the modern rules in all ways now. Also, no more allowing other cars to go first when I’m out driving, no more letting pedestrians across roads. They can all wait so I can be sure I’m not patronising them!

I agree with your comment that if you are in any way concerned an action or comment might be misinterpreted, don’t do/say it.

The problem is, normally one doesn't see what one is saying as liable to misinterpretation, until the other person reacts. People's reactions are so various that unless you are a mind reader it is often very difficult to second guess what someone might object to.

Alegrias Wow!!

The context was that our granddaughter was in a high chair and getting tetchy, the gender neutral child entertained our granddaughter so her parents ate a meal in peace.
My daughter thanked the child and then said to the parents what a delight the child was.

Yes ,I feel sorry for men who feel the need to stop short of helping or innocently commenting . I see lonely elderly men sitting alone be it on a park bench, be it on a bench along the canal side, and I really feel for them, they must feel so alone and feel if they so much as stroke up a little conversation to pass the day along, they will be viewed as a pervert or creepy, so they remain quiet and it must be a very lonely life....

nanna8

Another thing is when you see a little child fall over and hurt themselves. I would no longer automatically help and my husband wouldn’t,either. It’s a sad old world we live in.

I would certainly help a child up who had fallen over if I there on the spot, then look for the parents.

strike up conversation

I agree with your OP vampirequeen ????

vampirequeen

Alegrias1

Sorry, I'm on a roll...

In what possible world is it acceptable to compliment a child's behaviour in a restaurant when you don't know the family?

Its none of your business, honestly. It must be me.....

Whoops it must be part of my weirdness again. I've done it too and I quite like it when people comment on how well mannered my stepson (13) is. He likes it too. I wouldn't comment on poor behaviour but I don't mind giving a compliment where it's due.

In the past we have been complimented on our children in restaurants, cafes and hotels, and both we and the children were pleased by it.Some people cannot take compliments from reading this thread!

I have a great idea to prevent men from feeling afraid that they will offend female colleagues by commenting on their appearance.

Don’t bloody comment on it.

Women do not go to work to be decorative or liven up the place for the men. The era of Mad Men is over. Women in the workplace do not need feedback from their male colleagues’ boners on how much they pleased them today.

Do not pass any comment on your colleagues’ appearance and presentation unless it is directly related to their work performance. This is very easy to do.

Muffinthemoo

Perfect example of microagression.

Comment on performance, skills, achievements are appropriate.

Crikey! If opening doors is an insult and implies you can’t open the door yourself , Grampy is buggered !!

He does it to make it easier for those following, he does it so no one gets smacked in the face by a closing door, he does it for people like me with a scooter and for people with buggies who don’t have arms 5ft long . He does it for people whose hands are full .

He does it because he is polite and thoughtful.

I agree Lemongrove we’re definitely weird too as we have complimented other people on exceptionally polite or well behaved children. I’ve even complimented a total stranger on a beautiful coat that I admired .

I totally get where the OP is coming from and I think it’s a great shame that people always have to see a side in something instead of taking it purely at face value. I shall tell Grampy to start letting doors swing back into peoples faces ??

He does it to make it easier for those following, he does it so no one gets smacked in the face by a closing door, he does it for people like me with a scooter and for people with buggies who don’t have arms 5ft long . He does it for people whose hands are full .

Yeah, so does Alegrias. Read the posts.

No, I dont feel sorry for men.
I feel a bit sad for people who don’t understand what a compliment v overstepping boundaries is.
How can anyone feel that holding a door rather than let is bang into someone;s face is anything other than simple good manners.
Ridiculous

Most normal men know what’s appropriate so no, I don’t feel sorry for men. I do feel sorry for women who have to put up with sexual, misogynistic or abusive behaviour from men on a regular basis.

The poster blaming women’s skimpy outfits for rape should be ashamed & quite frankly banned from this site.

simtib

People will often act as you treat them. If you treat them with kindness they will act in a kind way if you treat them unkindly they will become unkind, if you treat them as a sexual predator then they will become a sexual predator.

Does not always follow and loads of exceptions but you should always assume that a person is kind and thoughtful untill proven otherwise. Assuming that someone is a sexual predator just because they are male just causes resentment and leads to more problems.

'if you treat them as a sexual predator, they will become a sexual predator'

I have NEVER heard such a lot of victim blaming rubbish in my whole life.

In effect, what you are saying, is that IF someone is nervous around a man (possibly because they have been sexually assaulted in the past) and are nervous and feel he may be a threat, that the VICTIM is to blame if he assaults her.

NOW, I don't know about you, but I am not going to sexually assault someone regardless of what they do or say. And anyone that DOES assult someone is guilty. No one else.

I’m sorry to say, I’ve very little sympathy for men.

Especially the “poor me is so hard! Have to be so careful!”

Welcome to how women have lived for years

if you treat them as a sexual predator then they will become a sexual predator.

Oh goody!! It’s women’s faults again!

We deserve this

How sad that you count someone who compliments you or holds open a door as ‘ a poor old soul who hasn’t moved with the times ‘ Algerias - what would you consider an acceptable up to date alternative , a guy in a hoodie who barges past ?

Well I quite like hoodies.

Not even sure why I’m bothering posting, as I’ve said before, as a wife , MIL and Nan to a DGS the level of misandry on GN saddens me